by Lori Foster
When she stepped back, he had no choice but to release her. Her whole body shook, the tip of her nose was red, her eyes still misty.
“Can you talk to me?” he whispered. “We used to talk about everything.”
The corners of her delicate mouth tipped up in a sad smile. “That was a lifetime ago, Colin. And it’s a place I cannot go back to. Especially with you.”
Guilt slammed through him. Obviously, whatever held that haunted look in her eyes was caused by his actions. Had breaking up with her really been that life altering? Yes, they’d talked of marriage, but at the age of twenty, they had still been too young. At least, he’d thought so then.
What was she hiding that had her so scared to let him in?
“I’ll go,” he told her. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here. I won’t be going anywhere.”
When she closed her eyes and turned back toward the window, Colin knew that was his silent cue to leave her alone. She wanted to be alone, and he would oblige.
But that didn’t mean he had to give up on figuring out just what the hell had happened to this vivacious woman after he’d left.
three
Working from home was something Olivia rarely did. Only when she’d had the flu, twice in nine years, did she stay holed up in her bedroom with her files, laptop, and tissues.
After Colin had left last night and she’d pulled herself together, she’d gone over to the shelter to retrieve some of her files and her flash drive. She’d left a voice mail for her assistant stating that she’d be working from home if they needed her.
Still in her gray lounge pants and matching cami, Olivia booted up her computer and tried to concentrate on her job. But her mind wasn’t on work. How could she focus after the trauma, both mental and physical, she’d endured last night?
First Colin had wanted to play the “let’s get reacquainted” game. Then, as if dredging up past memories wasn’t enough of a blow, he’d gone and kissed her at the weakest moment she’d had in quite a while.
And, God help her, she’d enjoyed feeling his lips against hers. How long had it been since she’d allowed a man to touch her? To hold her? It had taken every bit of her willpower not to lean into him and allow the comfort he so eagerly offered.
But she doubted even his strong, muscular arms could bear the weight of her past.
Her eyes darted over to the small, framed set of footprints on her nightstand. Ava’s footprints.
Even after a decade, the stab to Olivia’s heart was just as sharp, just as fierce. There were only three things she had to keep her daughter’s memory alive: the frame of footprints on pink card-stock, one photo of the fragile baby, and Ava’s hospital bracelet.
The bracelet and photo had long since been put away. Seeing the shape her baby was in, seeing how small the bracelet was, only made the suffering that much worse … if there actually were levels of misery.
For so long, Olivia had kept the photo and bracelet beside her bed as well, but the collection reminded her of a shrine. As if she’d needed a reminder of the life she’d ruined and taken by just two short years of misguided judgment.
Moving the items had been hard, but there was no way she could start each day seeing her baby’s face. She had to make some sort of peace with herself.
A bitter laugh escaped Olivia as she opened a document on her laptop. Peace? She would never feel peace again. Every bit of innocence and peacefulness she’d had died along with her baby. All she could do now was draw strength from the lives she’d influenced in a positive way.
This was no way to try to work, she scolded herself. Beating herself down wouldn’t help others, and right now she needed to concentrate. She had to put the finishing touches on the arrangements for the shelter’s annual fund-raiser, which was in three short days.
Not the most convenient time for her to stay home and have a self-pity party, but she really needed to be alone right now. Being alone while miserable was always best. No need to go into the shelter and have her depressed mood rub off on people who were there to look for a positive atmosphere.
Right now, though, the pity party would have to be put on hold. This fund-raiser needed her full attention, and worrying about Colin and him finding out about her past had no place in her mind today.
The silent auction and Texas Hold ’em poker tournament was the biggest fund-raiser Ava’s Haven had. She hoped they would top last year’s donations of twenty-six thousand dollars. Yes, that was a lot of money, but to keep a business open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, all year long, was expensive. Thank God for volunteers and donors throughout the year.
Olivia looked over the spreadsheet of businesses and their donations, making sure they were all checked off for having delivered the merchandise to auction. Once she completed that task, she made sure all the poker players’ funds had been received. The number of players was certainly up this year, and in a bad economy, she was even more grateful. Thankfully people were still in the spirit of giving.
By the time she’d checked off all the to-do lists she needed to, she glanced to the corner of her computer and saw it was nearly two o’clock. As usual, she’d worked through lunch. And as if on cue, her belly growled.
She set aside her computer and the folders, and padded downstairs to her galley kitchen to make some lunch—not that she was in an eating mood. Maybe just a cheese sandwich or some yogurt.
Just as she opened her fridge, the doorbell chimed.
She gave a once-over to her ratty, pajama-clad, braless appearance and shrugged. Her house, her day off, she could dress how she wanted. Even if it was late in the afternoon.
But when she opened her door and Colin stood on the other side with a small bundle of bright, happy-looking daisies in his hand, Olivia really wished she’d considered showering and dressing this morning. At the very least she wished she had on a bra. She suddenly felt so … vulnerable and naked.
“A peace offering,” he said, extending the flowers to her. “I’m not here to stay or to talk. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for last night.”
He looked even sexier today, in his crisp long-sleeved white shirt with the sleeves rolled up on his tanned forearms, dark jeans, and shoulder holster. Everything about this man screamed authority and power, yet he stood at her door with a sheepish grin, guilt in his eyes, and delicate daisies in his hand.
Shocked at the gesture, and a bit flattered, Olivia took the bouquet, resisting the urge to bury her nose in the yellow and white petals. “Thank you.”
“I was hoping to ask you something while I was here,” he said, leaning an arm against the door frame.
“What’s that?”
“I want to make dinner for you and show you my new place.”
Olivia couldn’t help but smile. “That wasn’t a question.”
Colin’s low, rich chuckle washed through her, sending tingles throughout. “No, I guess not,” he agreed. “But would you come? Just as friends.”
Friends? God, she hadn’t done something with friends in so long, she wouldn’t know how to act. But in the light of day and after thinking about him all night, she had to admit the idea of having Colin back in her life, on any level, would be good for her never-ending healing process.
And as much as she hated to admit it, he was softening her hard edges. They’d only been reacquainted less than twenty-four hours, and already he’d broken through a layer she’d built around herself. Who knew what could happen if they actually spent more time together?
“I’d like that.” There had to be stipulations, though. “But no more talk of the past. Deal?”
His sexy mouth split into a wide, adorable grin as he straightened to his full height. “Deal.”
He gave her directions and left, leaving Olivia staring as his unmarked police car pulled from her brick drive. Once he was out of sight, she lifted the bundle of flowers to her nose and inhaled.
Calming, pleasant, irresistible. Much like the man himself.
This wa
s exactly what she’d needed. Something good to remind her she was still alive, still working hard to keep her life on track for Ava’s sake and for all the other people out there who’d taken a hard left in life when they should’ve stayed straight.
Olivia closed the door and went to find her short, square pink-tinted vase to put the flowers in. She didn’t know the last time she’d received flowers.
Actually, never. She cut the stems down and spent a crazy amount of time fussing over the arrangement, breathing in the sweet aroma.
The fluttery schoolgirl feeling should’ve made her feel silly, but it didn’t. She wanted to savor this moment. She deserved that much.
Olivia showered, dressed for dinner at Colin’s, and left a bit early. She had several errands to run before the fund-raiser on Saturday. And, she had to admit, she was a bit too anxious to wait at home for the time to tick by.
Several hours later, Olivia pulled into Colin’s drive and smiled. The deep brown bungalow looked cozy, yet masculine.
The small porch glowed in the light of the antique lanterns hanging from either side of the large oak door, and an American flag hung proudly from a tall pole in the yard with a simple light shining on the stars and stripes.
Olivia fisted a hand over her abdomen. Why had she agreed to do this? Yes, she still felt something for Colin, but that had to be old feelings creeping up. Well, that and the soul-searing kiss he’d given her last night. Okay, so the flowers really added another layer to the emotional foundation she was trying to stand on.
She cursed him for bringing those flowers. Sneaky guy.
Resisting the urge to throw up or stick her car in reverse, Olivia grabbed her purse and the bottle of Chardonnay she’d brought.
As she stepped from her car, Colin opened the front door and greeted her with a smile, and the tension and nerves evaporated. He’d always had that ability to calm her, to make her feel safe. Looked like some things hadn’t changed after all.
But she was realistic. Olivia knew this wasn’t The Colin and Olivia Show: Take Two. Even if he wasn’t scarred by a haunting past, she was. Friendship was one thing; romance and falling in love were another.
She shoved the doubts and nerves aside, ready to have a nice evening with an incredibly handsome man. Colin met her halfway on the curved stone path leading to the porch.
“Did you find the place okay?” he asked, taking the wine off her hands.
“I did.” She followed him into the house and caught a whiff of something amazing. “What are you making? My mouth is watering already.”
“Lasagna. It’s my mother’s recipe.”
Thoughts of happier times filled Olivia’s mind, leaving room for nothing else. “You remembered?”
As he entered the spacious kitchen, he threw a glance over his shoulder and smiled. “That it was your favorite? Yeah, I remembered.”
God, why did her heart have to get gooey all over again where this man was concerned? Just friends. That’s all this could be. Her heart couldn’t take another blow.
“Then I’m really glad I accepted your offer,” she said, easing up onto a wrought-iron barstool at the center island.
Colin slid the pan from the oven and laughed. “You weren’t glad before you smelled the lasagna?”
“I have to admit, I was nervous.” She hung her purse on the back of the stool. “I haven’t been on a date, friendly or otherwise, in years, much less in a man’s kitchen.”
He set the potholders on the charcoal granite countertop by the stove and came to rest his hands on the opposite side of the island. “You’re kidding me?”
“I’ve been too busy.”
He raised a questioning brow. “Too busy to eat with a man who’s interested in you? I find that hard to believe.”
Honesty. She’d always vowed to be honest with people. Another positive influence from Ava.
“All right, I haven’t been in a comfortable place with my life to allow myself the luxury of dating.”
He studied her in that examining, cop-like manner that more than likely came second nature to him. “Which begs the question, why did you agree to come here?”
She shrugged, hoping to keep the conversation light. “Because I know you and I know you’ll respect my wishes of keeping the past in the past. With dating, I didn’t want to have to go through that get-to-know-you stage.”
Her answer seemed to pacify him, for which Olivia was grateful.
As they ate, he asked more questions about her shelter, and Olivia was all too eager to discuss the upcoming fund-raiser. Maybe it was the two glasses of wine, or maybe it was just Colin’s undivided attention that had her so chatty. Either way, she was pleased when he nodded and smiled and told her how amazing he thought her work was.
“I asked a few of the guys about your shelter,” he told her as he led her to his screened-in patio room overlooking a small pond. “They all sang praises to you and your employees. Seems you single-handedly built that shelter from nothing.”
The airy room allowed the summer breeze to flutter through and the moonlight to spill in. The intimacy of the moment sent a trickle of panic up her spine, but she reminded herself she deserved this. She needed to relax, take time for herself. Why shouldn’t she indulge in a few hours of calm? Her sanity would thank her later.
Olivia set her wineglass on the squatty brown wicker table and took a seat on the navy padded wicker sofa. “A good reputation is what keeps the donations coming in and the needy people eager to seek help.”
He settled in beside her, closer than he’d sat with her last night at her house. “So where does the name ‘Ava’s Haven’ come from?”
Olivia cleared her throat. She’d been prepared for this question. “‘Ava’ means ‘like a bird’ or ‘flying.’ I want everyone who steps through those doors to know they can go out and achieve anything.”
Colin eased an arm along the back of the two-seater sofa. Even in the dim lighting, his piercing cobalt eyes seemed to study and probe her. She couldn’t help but glance down to his lips, but she quickly looked back up.
“So the name ‘Ava’ was just a random name you chose for the meaning?”
Olivia swallowed and glanced down to her lap, then back up. That honesty thing niggled at her to tell him a portion of the truth, but not all. If he did indeed stick around, he would learn everything on his own anyway, so she might as well tell him pieces and ease him into that darkness of her life.
She leveled his intense gaze. “My daughter’s name was Ava.”
To Colin’s credit, he didn’t drop his mouth or act shocked. “Was?”
She nodded, pulling up strength she had stored in reserve for when this topic came up. “I delivered her at twenty-four weeks. She lived forty-six hours.”
Colin didn’t offer apologies or empty words. He simply took her hand from her lap and squeezed it. “How old were you when this happened?”
“Twenty-one.”
“And the father?” he probed in a softer, caring tone.
Olivia cringed at just the thought of Josh. “He was with me at the hospital, for the funeral. But we parted ways soon after.”
“Is this man the reason you quit nursing school?”
Olivia jerked her hand from his and came to her feet, keeping her back to him. She concentrated on the moonlight glistening on the ripples of the pond instead of the niggling urge to throw up.
“That’s all I can tell you now, Colin. There are things that happened; I’m not proud of them, but I can’t revisit that place.”
He, too, came to his feet and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her back against his chest. “Okay, baby. Okay. I’m sorry for prying.”
His chest vibrated with each soothing word, and Olivia allowed herself the luxury of leaning, if only for a minute, against his hard, strong body.
Maybe he could handle the whole truth, but she wasn’t ready to see disappointment or, worse, pity in his eyes. He may have been ready to handle it, yes, but she wasn’t.
<
br /> “You’re one tough lady, you know that?” he whispered in her ear.
Olivia laughed. “Not hardly. I just did, and continue to do, what I had to in order to get through each day.”
His warm breath tickled the side of her neck. “You amaze me.”
He turned her in his arms and kissed her.
four
Colin couldn’t resist another minute. Livie’s soft lips parted beneath his. She tasted of wine and sorrow. He wished he could make all her pain go away. Wished he could make her smile like she used to when her eyes would glisten and she’d throw her head back in silent laughter. But those days were gone, and Colin had only the here and now.
He’d take it.
When she turned fully in his arms, he didn’t hesitate to envelop this perfect woman. Granted she saw herself as imperfect, but she was perfect … for him. Anything she was willing to give, he’d humbly welcome.
Her arms wound around his neck, toyed with his nape, sending shivers down his spine.
When was the last time a woman gave him shivers?
Holding, touching, none of it was enough. He was near begging, and he didn’t care. He’d never begged for a thing—especially where a woman was concerned.
His hands roamed from the delicate dip of her waist up her spine and found the clip in her hair. He slid it out and fisted all that thick, wavy hair in his hands.
What started out as a simple kiss quickly turned heated and overpowering. And like last night, he lost control the moment she responded to his touch.
She pressed her body deeper into his, and he fought to keep upright. Livie humbled him, made him want to take his time and show her the good in life … even though he didn’t fully know the darkness he was fighting against.
“Colin,” she murmured, pulling back. “I wasn’t expecting this.”
“Want me to stop?”
She bit her swollen bottom lip and brought her wide sparkling eyes up to his. “No. No, I don’t. I need this. I need you.”
Something about the way her eyes darted down and to the left gave him pause. “What is it?” he asked, tipping her chin up.
