Mind Verses

by Deena Mehjabeen

  I still feel your

  Greedy eyes on me

  The colour on my lips,

  The kohl over my eyes

  And the rose on my cheeks

  Aren’t for you

  They are for me

  The curves of my waist

  The valleys of my hips are mine

  Not yours to look at and comment

  What are you so proud of?

  Your male parts

  Your physical strength

  But nothing is more powerful

  Than creating a life

  Men can’t do it

  You call us stupid

  Cussing and abusing

  Your heart out

  Blaming us for any slight mistake

  When you make bad

  Decisions and gamble all

  Your money away

  Or you are out of work and are

  Looked after by us

  And you, the so-called

  Open minded ‘New Age Men’

  You with foreign degrees

  And high-paying jobs

  You who speak of

  Female empowerment

  You still want wives

  To stay at home

  And make babies

  Because you are insecure

  You want servants and

  Not partners to cook

  For you and clean

  After you

  Whatever you say is

  Always to be accepted

  Even if you’re wrong

  You are still the chauvinist

  Who believes the wife is

  Less intelligent than you

  Even if she has the same job as you

  You won’t help her out after

  Both of you return home from work

  You still won’t share

  Your parental duties

  And it all comes on the mother

  You’d still prefer a baby boy

  Over a girl

  Would you still not support her if she

  Wants a career and not a child?

  Would you encourage her

  And your daughter to

  Follow their heart?

  Would you let them make

  Their own choices

  And respect them?

  Would you put down your daughter?

 

  Would you make fun of her in front of her brother?

  Do you even realize what you and every men

  Have been doing?

  Men, would you ever learn?

  An Open Letter to the father who left me

  ‘Do you miss me?’

  This is the question I often wonder to myself.

  Then I answer it with ‘Obviously not!’

  If you did, you wouldn’t have abandoned me or my mother.

  I was 8 when mum and you divorced and it was a decision that I entirely supported.

  You had married someone from your workplace without my mother’s knowledge.

  So, you basically cheated on her

  And you don’t realize that you did something wrong.

  Even when you two were married, I rarely had both of you together because you worked at two different places.

  Whenever you came to stay, it’d be for two days or at most, a week.

  When I look back now, I remember the woman you married.

  You made me meet her.

  I remember not liking her-perhaps it was a child’s instinct.

  As I grew up, mum told me about lots of complications you two had in your relationship.

  When I was 17, I had felt I needed to hear your side of the story.

  By that time, mum had remarried.

  You never actually financially sustained mum or me.

  You never took any responsibilities before or after the marriage dissolved.

  Sometimes, you’d come to visit me with a completely random gift and sometimes only your sweet talk.

  You were a charmer, maybe you still are

  But I won’t know

  Because I haven’t seen you in almost ten years

  And I don’t know if I even will again.

  I imagine what I’ll say to you if we ever meet.

  At times, I doubt if I’d recognize you if we’re out somewhere

  Would you?

  You can’t be (Part 1)

  You need to deconstruct yourself

  You need to look into yourself

  You are giving birth to another human being

  It’s a responsibility

  It’s a commitment

  You can’t just play

  At being a parent

  You can’t be a father

  Just because you gave birth

  To a child

  Whenever you want to

  Every unkind action

  Breaks a piece of her heart

  Your daughter’s heart

  Someone who wanted to look up to you

  You’d wish you knew her better

  The time has passed

  You lost her years ago

 

  Realization

  I am sorry that I hurt you

  I understand now that I was wrong

  I know that I let you down

  I didn’t live up to your expectations

  I didn’t take responsibilities

  Won’t you forgive me?

  Don’t

  Just stop!

  Stop saying you’re sorry.

  I don’t need it now

  Not after so many

  Years have passed

  When I haven’t seen

  You for a decade

  Don’t expect me to listen

  To your explanations now

  Don’t tell me you love me

  I won’t believe you anymore

  Don’t tell me to forgive you

  It’s too late for that

  Don’t ask me to start

  This ‘father-daughter relationship’ again

  It’s too much for you to ask of me

  The scars you gave are here to stay.

  Saviour

  They were scarred forever.

  Their bad memories hurt like burns and bruises.

  The haunting nightmares came back every night

  And made the girl scream in her sleep.

  Her mother would rush to her 

  And together they would cry and pray

  For their miseries to end

  And then he came like the 

  Gentle breeze in blistering heat.

  He came into their ruined home

  Like a rain after a prolonged drought.

  Like food to a hungry dog;

  Like a blessing from God.

  He came into their world of

  Shattered dreams and broken hearts.

  He helped dissolve their pent up grief.

  He granted their unfulfilled wishes.

  He became their reason to live

  He gave them a ray of hope.

  He brought a smile on their faces at the start of a new day.

  He taught them to love again.

  He healed the wounds given by the Satan.

  Satan's evil spell was broken after all.

  He was their savior.

  He was their Messiah in disguise.

  Their safe haven

  You can’t be (Part 2)

  It’s a generous deed

  You’re doing

  Everyone knows it

  You are living with

  Someone else’s child

  But have you looked beyond that fact?

  Have you tried to understand this

  Ready-made daughter that you’ve got?

  She’s not just a trophy daughter

  That you show off to people

  Sometimes it feels like

  This was part of the

  Marriage deal:

  A 2 in 1 offer

  An intrusion to your

  Daily r
outine and

  Your life

  You say that you can’t

  Change your ways now

  You’re too old for that

  You’re too easily wounded

  But that’s bound

  To happen with

  Your sense of self

  You’re never wrong

  She doesn’t know

  How you’ll react

  Which word would get

  You angry

  How to look or not to look

  What to say and not to say

  And when one of your mood swings happen

  You roam around with hurt pride

  In those spells

  You become a different person

  So unrecognizable from how

  We know you

  Your doses of

  Silent treatment

  Doesn’t scare her now

  You can be however

  You want to be

  Your negatives don’t

  Null out your positives

  You don’t have to change

  But then don’t impose your

  Opinions on her also

  Don’t force her to change too.

  Every time

  Every time I say anything

  The first word you say is ‘No’

  Each time you react negatively

  Actually, you don’t know me at all

  Don’t comment on my abilities

  When you haven’t known

  Me well enough

  You always appreciate others

  In front of me

  And when I achieve or want

  To do the same

  You don’t ever have an

  Encouraging nod for me

  You always do what I’ve asked

  You not to but

  You expect me to act exactly

  According to your

  Stereotypical opinions of women

  And age old notions of men

  Love

  Because I can

  I write when my words want

  To fight their way into the world

  I write because I

  Limit myself to silence

  I write when my thoughts long for a

  Portal of their own

  I write because my pent up

  Emotions need to be vented out

  I write when I wish to

  I write because I can

  Euphoria

  A feeling so beautiful that I

  Wonder if I’ve experienced it before

  My heart soared

  It felt lighter

  I thought I could fly

  Away like a helium balloon

  I was filled with a kind of

  Happiness that needs

  Its own special word

  I sieved through the word

  Bank at the back of my brain

  Was it euphoria?

  Close, but not only that

  I was ecstatic, wasn’t I?

  Yes, but something more

  I was giddy with happiness

  A brief moment

  Of genuine pleasure

  Hearing your childhood

  Best friend’s voice after years

  Nothing’s more precious than that.

 

  Apple of my eye

  It wasn't love at first sight

  I was anxious and she was apprehensive

  We couldn't stand each other at all.

  We used to fight every time we came near each other.

  But it all changed with time.

  Now, when I look back,

  I can't decide when I fell truly, madly and deeply in love with her.

  She reads my moods better than anyone I know.

  She is beautiful.

  She is soft like a massive fur ball.

  Her eyes draw me towards her-like black magic.

  Her voice is smooth as silk.

  She is the love of my life

  And I know she loves me too.

  Her purr says it all.

  Everything I like

  Raindrops caressing my window pane

  Stars that shine in my night sky

  Full moon that brightens the dark

  Roses showered in dew

  Chocolates I devour,

  That feels like heaven on Earth

  Cuddling my cat

  Talking to my grandparents

  Hugging my mother whenever I feel like

  Lying on my bed in my room

  Swimming because I can float in water, it’s like flying

  When there’s a power cut and classes stop at the University

  When there is a strike and we get an extra day off

  Shopping with mum

  Eating out at my favourite food joint

  Listening to a song I love on repeat

  Reading a good book uninterrupted

  Watching something interesting with all the time in the world

  Loving the simplicity of life

  Getting gifts

  Surprise birthday plans

  Travelling with the people I love

  Going somewhere on an impulse

  Eating cakes

  Dressing up for Weddings

  Wearing pretty clothes

  Singing along my favourite song

  Painting with colours

  Writing my thoughts

  Pretending to be happy

  Princess

  To him, I am his little girl.

  To him, I am a doll.

  To him, I am his lost princess.

  To him, I am the most beautiful girl that ever lived.

  To him, I am more priceless

  than the most valuable thing he ever owned.

  To him, I am special.

  To him, I am the cleverest and the smartest.

  To him, I am unique

  To him, I am his funny girl.

  To him, I am perfect.

  To me, He is the simply the world's best dad.

  Goddess of the Sky

  The day begins as dark and gloomy as the night sky

  Thunders clapping and lightening flashing all around.

  But life goes on like it does everyday

  Roads become rivers in hours

  Rivers overflowing with each passing day.

  Oblivious to the woes of mankind,

  the Goddess of the Clouds becomes feisty 

  And runs a rampage on the waterworks.

  She only sees the lovers' escapades in the rains.

  She sees them holding hands,

  She sees them steal a kiss under the umbrella.

  And she smiles

  And she tells the clouds to roar a little louder

  Monsoon

  The howling wind that bangs the window panes

  The first clap of thunder

  The first drop of rain

  The smell of earth soaking in the rain.

  The little girl selling 'Kadam phul' on the streets

  When the window glass mists, and you can draw smileys on it.

  When mother cooks a 'rainy day special' at home

  The incessant sound of rain on my roof top

  As I curl on my bed with a good book, 

  With a  steaming cup of tea, I drink in 

  And watch the first downpour of Monsoon.

  *'Kadam phul' is a special kind of flower that grows on large trees in my country (Bangladesh) especially in the rainy season.

 

  Ripples in the Sun

  Honey dappled leaves

  Golden shimmering

  Sunlight on rippling

  Waves in the river

  Sweet tinkling of the

  Flowing river water

  Bird on a tree branch

  Red beak, white and black

  Pebbles and stone river bank

  Waves crashing on

  The small rocks

  Light breeze caressing

  Your face />
  At times, a gust

  Of wind blowing

  Hair into your eyes

  And long after

  There’s still you,

  Facing the river

  Enjoying the bullfinch sky

  Kinds of Love

  ‘Love’

  The most used word for centuries

  An emotion experienced by many,

  By everyone, by humans, by animals

  A universal feeling

  The most misunderstood feeling

  It’s everywhere

  In life and in art

  And there are so many kinds

  Different people with their

  Own different meanings

  There’s a kind of love

  That makes everything else blurry

  You see the person you love

  Through rose-tinted glass

  You only see what you

  Want so desperately to see

  A kind of love that is biased

  There’s devotional love

  Where you just want to

  Please your loved one

  There’s melancholic love,

  When you want to be sad in love

  You enjoy the pain that comes

  With being in love

  There’s unrequited love,

  That’s one-sided

  When you love someone but

  Fail to understand why your

  ‘Soul mate’ doesn’t love you back

  There’s obsessive love, where

  You can’t think of anyone

  But the one you’re in love with

  There’s young love, when

  Both of you are neither old

  Nor young enough to be in

  Love but you can’t help it either

  There’s old love---

  It’s quite mature and also

  Passed the test of time

  It needs a little of

  Compromise, a little

  Of adjustment and a

  Whole load of care

  And compassion

  There’s stubborn love,

  When none of the two

  Want to conform or adapt

  There’s platonic love

  The kind we feel for

  Our friends and acquaintance

  There’s a kind of warm and fuzzy love

  The kind we feel for someone

  We’re extremely close to

  Then there’s self-less love

  A pure, Sufi love that

  Transcends desire,

  Need and expectations