Temporary Monsters

by CRAIG SHAW GARDNER

  Lenny had almost forgotten about the coffins—the four coffins—including the one that hadn’t opened. That was something else he hadn’t asked about—maybe because he didn’t want to know.

  “Real rooms? No doubt filled with native soil.” Karnowski nodded. “Wives would like that.”

  The Baron turned even paler than usual. “Please. Let us not talk about my—wives.”

  “This door is—open.” Lenore waved at a door that stood slightly ajar on one side of the hall.

  The door swung inward—all by itself—to reveal total darkness, perfectly in keeping with a hotel built far underground, perfectly hiding whatever waited on the other side. Lenny felt more conflicted than usual.

  “I wouldn’t go in there,” he said before he could think about it.

  “Room is trap,” Karnowski agreed, holding up a hand in warning. “Wait for it.” He turned to the door. “Enough hiding! Come out this minute!”

  A white translucent figure drifted up from the darkness.

  “Ooooooooh?” A faint voice, little more than a mournful whisper, issued from between the spirit’s broken teeth.

  Karnowski’s frown deepened. “Who are you? What is your purpose?”

  “Whoooo’s asking?” the spirit whispered.

  “Karnowski, the Ghost Finder! And you have been found.”

  “I suppoooose I have.” The ghost sounded as if it couldn’t care less. It paused, then issued a mournful sigh. “I’m not scaring you at all, am I? So much for the wailing. You ghost finders don’t buy that sort of thing.” Two dark smudges where the eyes should be looked past Karnowski at the rest of his party. “But I see—others—across the hall. Don’t you think they deserve a good scare?”

  The ghost finder shook his head. “Forget about them. Why do you wait by this trap?”

  “You think I have a choice?” The spirit looked wistfully at the others. “I wandered here, just like you. Just like the 147 other spirits who are trapped down here with me. But am I bitter? One day, I find myself in an underground hotel, of all things. I go exploring. What a great adventure! I open this door, fall to my death. Splat! Right down there on those sharpened stakes you so narrowly avoided. But do I regret my actions?”

  “You know nothing about who made this trap?” Karnowski demanded.

  The ghost sighed. “We all have our theories. All 148 of us. But who can even think straight with all that moaning and wailing all the time?. You think I don’t want to know the why of all this?”

  Lenore stepped up next to Karnowski. “Perhaps we might take a different approach. Do you remember what you were called in life?”

  “Now everybody’s asking me questions?” The spirit’s dark smudges stared at the ghost finder. “Can’t I just haunt one or two of you? Just for a minute? A little shrieking, some energetic chain rattling? You might even enjoy it!” The ghost glanced back at the door. “You do realize we take turns floating up from the pit. Do you know how long you have to wait to get past 147 others?”

  Karnowski seemed unfazed by the spirit’s pleas. “Answer the young woman’s question. What was your name in life?”

  “Oh, that’s”—the ghost paused, lost for an instant in spectral concentration—“not easy at all. Jeannie, somebody was called Jeannie. That could have been me. Or possibly Ernesto. Gustav was a name that was bandied about quite a bit. And then there was Lugnut . . .”

  The Baron stepped forward to join the others. “We are wasting our time here. The spirit knows nothing.”

  “I probably know quite a lot, if only I could remember it,” the ghost retorted. “All that shrieking and wailing down there can do a number on your concentration. But do I complain?”

  “Enough with this dead end!” The vampire puffed up his tuxedoed chest. “It is time, at last, to demonstrate my powers!”

  Both Karnowksi and Lenore frowned.

  “Are you sure?” the ghost finder asked.

  “Look at the time!” Lenore glanced impatiently at her wrist, even though she wasn’t wearing a watch.

  “This will take but a moment.” The Baron’s triumphant smile showed the tips of his fangs. “You are not the only one with resources. These dark places are full of creatures of the night. Come to me, my darlings!”

  Lenny jumped. The hall carpet was moving. No, not the rug, but hundreds of creatures on the rug, creatures with brown fur and gray fur, even the occasional white fur.

  “Rats?” the ghost cried. “How can I compete with rats?”

  “My creatures!” the Baron called. The rodents chittered in reply, as they circled around the party, weaving back and forth so that they narrowly avoided overrunning Lenny’s shoes.

  “Now we will get the truth!” the vampire cried in triumph. “Tell me, my creatures! What is out goal?”

  And the rats answered in a choral singsong:

  Nice to see you honored master.

  This place you’re in’s one big disaster!

  You’ll have to outdo the legions of Foo

  If you want to get out there and ask her.

  The chant was high pitched, but perfectly understandable. Not only were the rats talking in unison, but also in some sort of verse. Lenny noticed something strangely familiar about that rhyme scheme.

  “Then we know it’s Foo,” Karnowski said.

  “And Foo knows we’re here!” Lenore said with equal conviction.

  Lenny didn’t feel quite so enthusiastic. “Who’s Foo? And what about the rest of it? ‘If you want to ask her’? Who’s her?”

  The Baron shrugged. “Talking with my creatures is not an exact science.”

  “Hello! Lonely, wandering spirit still in the hallway!” the ghost interjected. “Who wants to listen to rats when you can talk about me?”

  “If you had something useful to say . . .” Karnowski left the rest of the thought unsaid.

  “Hey! You spend weeks wailing and months moaning, see if it doesn’t dampen your conversation.”

  Lenny had had enough of this. As unpleasant as the rats might be, at least they could provide some clues as to the group’s destination. Lenny tugged on the Baron’s cape.

  “Can I ask a question?”

  The vampire waved at the rats. “Whatever you want. My creatures are at your service. What do you need?”

  Need? Lenny hadn’t actually thought that far ahead. Perhaps he should ask the most important question of all.

  He cleared his throat. “Please tell me—uh—creatures: What do I have to do with all of this?”

  And the rats sang again:

  There once was a young man named Lenny

  Who came here with nary a penny.

  Before this has passed

  He’ll look back to his past

  And find that his problems were many.

  Lenny stared down at the mass of vermin. “That isn’t helpful at all.”

  “I referred to them as informative,” the Baron replied brusquely. “Never did I suggest they might actually be helpful.”

  Lenny shook his head in disbelief. “And—the rats speak in limericks?”

  Lenore nodded. “The ways of the supernatural are beyond our understanding.”

  The Baron stepped forward. “I should lead the way now. Pits are not so deadly to those who can sprout wings.”

  Somebody else would lead the way? Really? Lenny remembered to breathe again. The four of them moved forward slowly, staying close together. The corridor ended up ahead. He half expected to see an elevator, but instead the hall reached a T-junction, with more hallway leading in either direction. They paused just before the junction.

  As far as Lenny could tell, the two corridors looked exactly alike. Now would be a good time for whatever “talent” he had to speak up and tell them which way to go.

  “Look!” Lenore pointed above another of those
brass light fixtures. There, written in white chalk, were the words BAD GUYS THIS WAY! and an arrow pointing left.

  Lenore frowned. “Either Lenny’s powers manifest themselves in even more surprising ways—”

  “—or we have guide,” Karnowski finished her sentence.

  “The man who has eaten onions,” the Baron concluded.

  Lenny realized his team had stopped walking.

  “Perhaps he wishes to help us,” Lenore suggested.

  “Perhaps is trap,” Karnowski countered.

  “Vampires are not afraid of traps.”

  “That’s good,” Lenny replied with more conviction than he felt. He turned to the left. “Because this is the way we’re going.” It was only after he started walking that Lenny realized he was leading the group once more.

  His foot hit something hard. Lenny yelped as he fell forward on the carpet.

  “Wait!” Lenore announced with authority.

  Nobody moved.

  “Is another trap?”

  The Baron let his hands turn to mist. “There is a pressure plate hidden beneath the carpet.”

  Lenore nodded. “If one of us stepped on it, it would have released dozens of knives, spring-loaded behind the walls to either side. Lucky for us, Lenny tripped over it instead.”

  “The plate is flush with the floor,” the Baron said as his hands rematerialized before him. “How could anybody trip?”

  “Luck has nothing to do with it,” Lenore replied.

  “Is Lenny,” Karnowski agreed.

  “Perhaps.” The Baron still looked skeptical. “But what now?”

  Lenny cautiously got to his feet on the far side of the trap. “We walk around it.”

  The others stepped carefully past the trap as they continued down the hall.

  “No more ghosts,” Karnowski commented as they walked. “At least, no new ghosts.”

  “No other threats that I can smell,” the Baron added.

  Lenore extended both her hands, palms outward, as though she was feeling the air. “The signs are becoming more uncertain. There is danger in the distance.” She shook her head. “I know no more.”

  Karnowski nodded. “Hopefully is in distance we are not going.”

  Lenny frowned. Didn’t evil traps come in threes? No, maybe that was plane crashes.

  Lenore said nothing more. Lenny guessed that the main benefit of her gift was to give you time to worry.

  They continued to walk until Lenny saw a wall ahead. At first he thought it would lead into another corridor, but as he got closer, it was looking more like a dead end. The hallway simply stopped.

  High above them on this final wall was a red exit sign. Except this one was a bit bigger than usual, and in front of the red EXIT was another word: NO.

  “What we do now?” Karnowski asked.

  This time, Lenny saw it first.

  That same chalked scrawl. Two words: PRESS HERE. And next to the words, a larger chalk X.

  Lenny pushed the chalk mark. The wall rolled away.

  Lenore gasped.

  “Karnowski has never!” the ghost finder exclaimed.

  The Baron muttered something in Romanian under his breath.

  Lenny had to agree. A hotel hallway he could accept. This was something else altogether.

  Chapter Seven

  Lenny felt like he had stepped into another world. He was surrounded by steel and chrome.

  “Is airline terminal!” Karnowski said.

  “Something like it,” Lenore agreed. She nodded toward a moving walkway a few feet in front of them. “It’s certainly designed to get people from here to there.”

  “I’ve flown around the world at night.” The Baron’s cape fluttered in an air-conditioned breeze as he gazed up at the high, vaulted ceiling. “Even my centuries of experience have seen nothing like this!”

  The team had walked forward as they stared in wonder at their surroundings. Lenny now stood before the walkway, a great, moving metal belt, maybe six feet across with waist-high walls to either side. The machine hummed as it moved, the moving metal stretching out before them into the distance.

  “Shall we?” Lenny asked.

  Lenore raised a single, gloved hand to point ahead. “The other who precedes us has already passed this way.”

  “But he gains distance,” the Baron added. “The onions are receding.”

  “This is middle of huge expanse,” Karnowski whispered. “Ghosts huddle nearby.” His frown deepened. “We are being followed.”

  “Many things lurk nearby,” Lenore agreed, “and many of them are not friendly.”

  “I detect many creatures in the distance. And beyond the smell of onions, I detect the odor of death.” The Baron’s cape billowed dramatically.

  Lenny’s three teammates looked at each other. All three of them smiled. Lenny turned to the rather more expansive vista before them, much too nice now to be called a tunnel. This was more a modern, brightly lit corridor.

  The moving walkway propelled them through the huge room, full of modular furniture, all of it unoccupied. Then the walls of the first great expanse closed in on either side, until they traveled through a new tunnel. It was almost the total opposite of the tunnel they had taken before.

  Spotlights lined the ceiling above them so that the walls to either side were too brightly lit. The lights pointed to a seemingly endless row of colorful posters plastered to the walls that they passed, posters of figures in flowing red robes and hoods. Some of the figures were waving, others seemed to be jumping or running. There were even a couple seated in overstuffed chairs. But the red robes were only a secondary part of each poster, for each sheet was dominated by a brightly colored slogan; big letters in vibrant yellow, blue, or green.

  He read the slogans one after another as the walkway quietly moved them past.

  IT’S GOOD TO BE EVIL!

  EVERYTHING WILL BE NIFTY WHEN WE RULE THE WORLD.

  FOO IS WITH YOU! (This one was all type, with no hooded figure at all.)

  NOTHING SAYS LOVIN’ LIKE WORLD DOMINATION IN THE OVEN!

  “Are deep in enemy territory.” Karnowski’s voice was hushed.

  Lenore nodded. “This has gone much farther than any of us thought.”

  Even the Baron seemed impressed. “How have they managed to build something like this?”

  CORRUPTION PAYS! another poster answered his question. The slogans kept on coming:

  HAPPY UNDER THE HOOD! FOLLOW THE PLAN! A couple of FOO IS WITH YOU! one right after another.

  “Look!” Lenore pointed at a poster up ahead. It showed a hooded figure on a cell phone, the large image partially obscured by a large black X. But it was the slogan that made the breath catch in Lenny’s throat.

  LOOSE LIPS ALERT LENNY!

  Everyone stared as the slogan passed by.

  “Is spy in Terrifitemps!” Karnowski whispered.

  “Not surprising,” Lenore replied. “We are no more secret than those mysterious groups we fight.”

  It might be stranger than any of his team realized. Lenny decided it was time to tell them about his own personal mysterious stranger.

  “Um, guys? We may have a spy on our side.” He quickly described his encounter with the man in the dirty jumpsuit.

  “You mean,” Lenore said as she pointed ahead, “someone who looks like that?”

  Lenny looked ahead to see a white, jumpsuited leg disappear though a door.

  “Is your S, yes?” Karnowski asked.

  The Baron shook his cape in agitation. “So Lenny is getting outside help? I suspected as much all along!”

  “Mysterious stranger not negate Lenny’s power!” Karnowski insisted. “Who says S appears without Lenny?”

  Lenore turned to Lenny and smiled. “The ways of Terrifitemps are deep and mysterious.�
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  Lenny’s phone rang again.

  “You have a phone?” the Baron said in surprise.

  “You can get a call down here?” Lenore echoed much the same tone.

  “Enemy lair has Wi-Fi,” Karnowski replied knowingly.

  Lenny didn’t think this was a good time to answer the phone. They had reached the end of the moving walkway, as they were deposited, one by one, on a carpeted hall that led to three rooms. It was time to make a decision.

  “One of doors leads to goal,” Karnowski said before Lenny could even think about it.

  “But which one?” Lenore asked. “And what about the other two?” She frowned at the leftmost door. “A lady has passed here recently.”

  The Baron nodded at the door on the far right. “The room beyond that one smells of tiger.”

  Lenny knew the decision was his even before the others looked at him. Besides, he was pretty sure he’d seen S disappear through the door in the middle.

  “We go this way,” he said as he stepped forward and turned the knob. The door swung open to reveal a lightless space beyond.

  No second thoughts. If Lenny was to fulfill Ms. Siggenbottom’s faith in him, he had to act. He stepped forward, and the others followed.

  The door swung shut behind them with an all-too-loud thump and an almost-as-loud click. A single bright light switched on overhead to illuminate the far wall, which was completely covered by a huge, moving image of the robed Foo.

  “Ha ha ha ha ha!” echoed from somewhere above. “Ha ha ha ha ha!”

  “Is evil laughter!” Karnowski shouted.

  “Foo has lured us into his trap!”

  Lenore ignored the laughter and walked to her left to get a closer look at the nearest wall. Lenny glanced back at the painting. Foo’s giant eyes were moving, the pupils following Lenore as she ran her hand along the wall’s smooth surface.

  “Ha ha ha ha!” the annoying, echoing laughter continued. “And did I mention, ha!”

  Karnowski pounded at the poster. The Baron studied the ceiling overhead. The increasingly tedious laughter started again.

  “Cannot happen!” Karnowski cried in frustration. “We are Terrifitemps!”

  “Wait a minute!” Lenny called. “So they’ve got us trapped here for a minute! We’ve found ways around all our earlier obstacles!”