Problematic Love (Rogue Series Book 8)

by Lara Ward Cosio

  She takes in a deep breath, watching me with such open compassion that I tear up all over again.

  “I’m sorry, I think I need a minute,” I say. “It was good to see you, Felicity. I’m so happy you and your family are doing well.”

  “Wait,” she says, but I don’t stop.

  I keep moving through the even more crowded room, searching for the ladies room. I need to calm myself before I can figure out getting a taxi.

  The loo is single-use and I’m lucky to find one available. I head inside, letting the door fall shut behind me. But it opens again before I have the chance to engage the lock.

  It’s Felicity. She slips inside and locks the door.

  I’m speechless.

  And then I’m paralyzed because she’s wrapped me in a hug. It last no more than five seconds, but it’s enough to feel her warmth.

  When she pulls away, she wipes a tear from her own eye. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for how hard I’ve been. I’ve been so stubborn in holding on to my hurt and sense of betrayal. I just couldn’t find a way to let it go.”

  “Okay,” I say, worried that if I say more this moment will disappear.

  “I’ve not suddenly lost all that,” she continues with a laugh. “But when I saw the look on your face when Danny Boy mocked you for wanting children, I just . . . I just realized that I know how you feel. At least, that feeling of wanting to be a mother so much it hurts. I understand why you feel like you need to follow your heart with that. Even if it leads you away from him.”

  All I can do is nod and sniffle. It feels so good to be understood, to be offered this kind of support from her at this moment.

  “Maybe we can try to be friends once more?” she says, but the hesitation in her voice is unmistakable.

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to feel obligated just because of this. I understand that I did too much damage to our friendship.”

  She eyes me for a moment. “It wasn’t all you.”

  I’m surprised by this admission.

  “I’ve come to realize that a very big part of me knew what we were doing. And I fell in with it because it was just too hard for me to admit I needed help after that first session. I wanted so badly to be fixed. To be someone Conor could trust. I used our friendship as an excuse to get through that rough patch. I knew you were helping me. I just couldn’t bear to accept that I was in that position of needing help. I felt so weakened by the idea.”

  I nod sympathetically.

  “But you really did help me. I never told you that. So . . . thank you.”

  “Oh, Felicity,” I say and struggle not to crumble. “Even if you think a part of you knew what was happening, what I did with you was a betrayal. I know it won’t be completely easy to move past that. But, I’m so grateful that you might try.”

  “It feels good for me, too,” she admits. “To let that all go.”

  “I just feel like I can walk out of here tonight so much lighter.”

  “Don’t leave yet, okay? I know you want to run away after what Danny Boy did. But don’t let him drive you away.”

  “Thank you, but I don’t think—”

  “You have other friends here.”

  That stops me for another moment.

  She smiles. “Let’s go out there, then. We can tell Danny Boy to fuck off together.”

  Once more my tears have turned to laughter. I’d never tell Daniel such a thing, but I do appreciate her support. More than she’ll ever know.

  41

  Danny Boy

  * * *

  I’m sloshed. Hit the whiskey a little too hard, I suppose. Conor’s talking to me, but his face keeps going blurry. It goes from his usual defined cheekbones and jawline to all soft and fuzzy.

  I feel a forceful pat on my back and turn quickly to see Gavin on my other side. The sudden motion sets me off and I start to gag. I hear the people around me gasp and squeal as Gavin and Conor each take me by an arm and practically lift me off my feet as they carry me out the back door.

  Good thing they’re quick, because as soon as the cool air hits me, I vomit all over the brick pavement. It’s mostly whiskey. I’d had one piece of pizza before getting lost in the drink.

  “I’ll get him from here. Thanks guys.”

  I recognize Shay’s weary voice even as I’m dry-heaving. It seems my stomach and I are in an epic battle for control because it wants to live outside of my body and I want it to stay put. I drop to my knees, hoping it’ll give me the upper hand as I struggle against the cruel flips my stomach is doing.

  Tears fall down my face, first in response to the sour taste in my mouth and the pain from the heaving, and then because I realized I’ve fucked up yet again. I think I remember passing by Amelia and Felicity on the way out here. Jesus, like I wasn’t going to have to grovel enough to Amelia for what I said earlier about her baby fever, now I’ll really have to figure out how to get off her shit list.

  Not that it matters all that much.

  I’m leaving town tomorrow. I have no idea when I’ll see her again. And even when I do, it will be with the understanding that it’s just that much closer to the end of us. I hate that she made that clear. I wish so much she had let me believe the lie that we were okay and then walked away on her own timing.

  “Here,” Shay says, pushing a bottle of water toward my face.

  I take it, use some to rinse out my mouth, and then spit it into the street. Next, I pour water over my face to wipe away the tears.

  “Not a great start to the tour, Danny Boy.”

  “I’ll be fine. Just went too fast tonight.”

  “You’re too old for this shit, man,” he says, as he helps me to my feet.

  “No kidding,” I agree, my knees popping as I lumber upright. Taking a couple steps backward, I lean against the wall of the building and close my eyes.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s happening?”

  “Eh, no, don’t think so.”

  I hear him scoff, but don’t look at him. He should turn and walk away, let me deal with my own mess. But instead, he just leans against the wall next to me. It’s quiet except for the sounds of the party going on inside without us.

  There’s no way I want to admit to him that I got myself pissed drunk because I’ve come to a breaking point. These past couple weeks with Amelia have been perfect torture. They’ve been a sample of both what we could have and everything that will be disappearing. The pain of understanding that has been burning a hole into my heart. Knowing that she’s going to walk away from me. Knowing that I am not enough for her. Knowing that my parents had the right idea all along: I’m worthless.

  That’s the vicious cycle I’ve tried to keep away, anyway. I did pretty good until this evening. I think it might have been finally having Amelia here with “my people” that turned the tide. It started exactly how I wanted it to with her welcomed so warmly by Sophie and Jessica and Lainey. But as I stood witness to this ideal vision, I also felt it all slipping away. And that feeling took over. I wanted to bury it. I wanted to numb it. Hence, the free-flowing whiskey and gobshite talk with Felicity.

  “So,” he ventures after a good ten minutes of letting me stew. “It’s complicated, is it?”

  I smile and shake my head. That’s what I had told him a couple weeks ago before I was going to meet Amelia for coffee. It’s his way of asking if my getting drunk was because of her.

  “It is,” I affirm. “Isn’t it always when it comes to me?”

  He laughs. “True enough.” He pauses. “Anything I can do?”

  Glancing over at him, I see he’s playing with the silver lighter he never gave up even though he doesn’t smoke anymore. I give his shoulder a squeeze and he looks at me.

  “Not your responsibility, kid.”

  “Sure—”

  “Not anymore, it isn’t. Okay? You’ve got a wife and a family to care for. I’m not going to add to that burden.”

  “There’s no chance I’m not going to be there for
you, Danny Boy. That’s not how I work.”

  “Well, you better start working that way,” I snap. “I mean it. You leave me to figure things out. And if I ever go back to the smack, don’t come for me. If I get arrested, change your fucking number. Go live your life.”

  “What’s this all about, for fuck’s sake? It sounds like you when we were in that weird little park in San Francisco. That time you told me you were going to give up your sobriety.”

  I hold up my hands. “I have no plans to do that again. Honestly.”

  “Then, what is this bullshit?”

  He’s staring at me so intensely that I can’t hold his gaze. I gargle another mouthful of water and spit it out. “I’ve just been realizing what a drag I am. How I hold people back. I need to stop that shit. With you. With Amelia. With just about everyone.”

  “You’re only a drag on me when you’re using, Danny Boy.”

  I give him a half-hearted smirk.

  “And? What have you done to be a drag on Amelia?”

  “Just fucking look at me, Shay.” I hold out my arms so he can see the splatter of vomit on my shirt, jeans, and shoes. “Look what I turned tonight into. Another Danny Boy fuck-up, yeah?”

  But he knows I’m bullshitting with this excuse because he says, “I have the feeling she can handle you.”

  “He’s right. I can.”

  We both turn to see Amelia standing at the doorway.

  “I’ll leave you to it,” Shay says. He pats me on the shoulder and then steps away.

  Amelia takes Shay’s place, leaning against the wall next to me.

  “Are you okay?” she asks.

  “No. I’m drunk.” No use in trying to pretend otherwise. But even in this state, I know I owe her more. “And sorry. I’m sorry I said all that to Felicity. I’m sorry I hurt you, baby.”

  She’s quiet for a moment, which I gladly take to mean she’s accepting my apology. But then she says, “I made a mistake, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

  Those should be my words. I don’t know what she could possibly mean but my tongue feels so thick in my mouth that I can’t formulate the question.

  “My mistake,” she continues, “was in setting us up to fail. My big plan to be with you for a limited time because of our difference on having a family wasn’t fair.”

  I can only nod, but even that sends my stomach lurching again. She must see this because she puts a steadying hand on my bicep.

  “We don’t need to talk now,” she says. “I just want you to know we don’t have to hang on to this if it’s too . . . bittersweet.”

  “Oh no,” I say, finding my energy again. “You don’t get to cut this short. You gave me a year and I fully plan on having every minute of it. That means, I’ll come back to Dublin as often as I can, and you’ll come see me on the road. And before I leave tomorrow night, we’ll have figured out those trips. I’m not giving up on us.” I take a deep breath and add, “Not yet.”

  “Daniel, I don’t want to draw this out if it’s only going to lead to you drinking too much and lashing out at me. I really would understand if you—”

  “No. You were right before. I lean too much on the stuff. I’m done. I promise.”

  She looks up at me but, I don’t find any comfort in her gaze. She’s likely seeing my unfocused eyes as a sign that I’m lying to both of us about being able to quit.

  “Still,” she starts but I cut in.

  “No. I’m not letting you go yet. I need you. I need you so much, baby. Don’t walk away from me. I know I’m not worth much, but don’t walk away from me yet. Please.”

  The groveling sounds horrible to my own ears, but I’m incapable of containing myself. And it does the trick for her because she’s suddenly got her arms wrapped tightly around me and is smoothing my hair back in the most soothing way.

  “You are worth everything. You deserve everything,” she says softly, gifting me with sweet kisses on my cheek and neck. “Don’t you ever say you’re not worth much, Daniel. This isn’t about you being unworthy. I know you know that. You’re just confusing things because of the drink.”

  “I don’t know anymore.” I hold her to me tightly and take in a deep breath. I wish I could sober up, but it’s going to be a while yet.

  “Please don’t listen to those negative voices in your head,” she says.

  I’m about to respond when the back door flies open and bangs loudly against the building. Everything happens next in a blur.

  “Out of the way, Amelia,” Conor says gleefully.

  “What are you—”

  “Move on,” Gavin tells her in that commanding band leader way of his and she steps away.

  He and Conor struggle for a moment with a white industrial-sized plastic bucket, but once Amelia is clear, they find the strength to swing it toward me, sending a torrent of ice cold water into my face.

  They’re laughing maniacally.

  “That’ll fix you up,” Gavin says.

  “At least get the stink of puke off you,” Conor adds.

  The shock sends my body rigid but not for long. Because soon, I’m cursing and chasing Conor and Gavin down the street before they double-back and run to the brewing company. Inside, there are too many people for them to get far and I corner them back in the private space we’d been in for most of the night. I’m dripping and shivering, and the crowd has made space for me.

  Gavin pushes Conor forward and tries to hide behind him, but they’re both still laughing.

  “Come on, man,” Conor says. “We just wanted you to be able to keep the party going.”

  “Ah, you were helping me, were you?” I can’t keep from smiling now. These fuckers showed up at just the right time and gave me exactly what I needed to snap out of my dark thoughts.

  “It worked, though,” Conor says. “You’re looking fit as ever now.”

  “Lads,” I say, “I think you’re right. Give us a hug, then.”

  “Fuck off with that,” Gavin says, but he’s got a huge smile.

  I’m wet and still have a bit of vomit down my shirt. I can see why they want to keep their distance. But still, I advance, and while Gavin manages to slip away, I grab Conor and squeeze him to me with strength that surprises us both.

  Conor laughs and is a good sport. “All right, Danny Boy. That’s enough.”

  But because I can never stop at “enough,” I grab him by the back of his neck and kiss him full on his mouth. The bastard has soft lips and I sink into the kiss, giving it my all. The room erupts into applause, howls, and laughter just as Conor pushes me in the chest so hard that I fall to my arse. I look up to see him wiping his mouth and glaring at me. He’s lucky I didn’t use any tongue, but I sense I’d better not say as much.

  “You always take it too fucking far,” he tells me.

  “Know who you’re dealing with before fucking around, Quinn,” I tell him with a self-satisfied laugh.

  He shakes his head, but from my viewpoint I can see him holding back a smile. And then he takes all the attention off me by removing his wet, vomit stained shirt so he’s bare chested and therefore creates a new round of howls and applause in appreciation of his ridiculously cut physique.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see a hand outstretched to me. Looking up, I see Shay and I smile.

  Shay, the little brother who will always come to my aid. Shay, the one I know will never walk away from me.

  I take his hand and stand, ready to keep the party going.

  42

  Danny Boy

  * * *

  Though my head is aching from a fantastic hangover, I make sure I get up before Amelia. We stayed at the party until three in the morning before coming back to her place. I’d sobered up enough by then to pull her into the shower with me. We didn’t get to sleep until almost five o’clock. It’s only half ten now, but I have plans and force myself to dress and go out.

  The sun chooses today to make a rare appearance, and I physically recoil from the bright rays like some kind
of fucking vampire. I laugh to myself at that.

  My mission is to pick up coffee, donuts, flowers, and one more thing. The first three things are easy enough. The last one is just a vague notion, but I’m determined to find it and in a hurry. I’ve only got a few hours more with her before I need to get back to Shay’s to pack for the tour.

  When I get back to Amelia’s, she’s still sleeping. I set all but one of my goodies down on the nightstand and climb into bed with her, purposefully jostling her and Alfie awake. The cat glares at me before jumping down from the bed.

  “What time is it?” she asks groggily.

  “Time for fireworks, baby,” I say, pulling the blankets off her and sliding my hand between her legs.

  She quickly becomes aware that there’s more than my hand rubbing up against her. We haven’t gotten around to using toys, so I’m sure she’s especially surprised. Her eyes open wider and her hand comes down on the object I have placed between her thighs.

  When she grabs it and pulls it up to have a look, she sees that it’s a large rectangular blue Tiffany’s box and she gasps. I laugh, thinking that’s one way to get a reaction out of a woman.

  “What have you done?”

  “It’s not a ring,” I tell her.

  “Obviously.” She sits up and runs her hand over the box.

  “I never got you a Christmas gift. Maybe this will do?”

  “Oh, Daniel. I didn’t get you anything.”

  “You got me everything, baby.”

  She leans in to kiss me, but I don’t prolong it like I usually would. I’m too excited for her to open the box and tell her so.

  I watch as she carefully eases the box open as if savoring the anticipation of what she’ll find inside. Once she sees the eighteen-karat gold necklace sprinkled with twelve diamonds, she gasps again.

  “They call it ‘Diamonds by the Yard,’” I tell her with a laugh. “Anyway, it’s that long sort of necklace you seem to like. You can wrap it around to create a couple layers.”