Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator

by Karina Fabian

  LimbCollector

  Don’t be an idiot, Trolll. You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about. In fact, she took out six zombies single-handedly. The seventh was on fire. It might have staggered around the yard if weren’t for some idiot filming him on a cell phone and yelling, “Look this way!” Then another idiot threw alcohol on it.

  I heard the idiots in Congress want to require that individual bottles of alcohol have “Caution: Contents Flammable” written on it.

  Neeta is hard-core and awesome. She can protect my place, anytime.

  Oh, and activate spellcheck! You look like an idiot even more than you are.

  MANIC_MIND

  You’re just surrounded by idiots, aren’t you, LimbCollector? J

  LimbCollector

  Just you and me, MANIC. And I’m not so sure about you, LOL.

  Trolll

  Who’re you calling idiot, ashole? Fact is, Neeta got called to do a job, and instead she damaged the back half of his house, terrified his partygoers—who were clients in his business—and generally botched the job. Just cause you think she’s “awsome,” doesn’t mean she’s right.

  And I notices you didn’t say anything about poor Bergie. Cant argue that, can you?

  And people should be warned about alcohol! Obviusly, not everyone knows it’s flammable. It’s a safety issue!

  Rigormortis

  “ashole” LOL. You need spell-check, bad! Are you on a GPC Redundancy, by any chance? Incidentally, people die on reality TV. That’s why it’s real. Anybody remember Nintendo Live? What, they lost three players to the Frogger challenge?

  Decapitator3000

  Those were real people? OMG :O

  You know, I’m glad Katie bowed out. I don’t think she had what it takes. She would have been next to go in the wrong way. Besides, 20,000 dollars is nothing to sneeze at.

  That stinks about Neeta, though. Is there any way we can help her?

  LimbCollector

  How about we send that idiot lawyer a broken vat of pickled herring?

  Decapitator3000

  Lutefisk! With Special Sauce!

  .

  .

  .

  BrainDeadHead

  500,000 dollars?! He sued her for FIVE-FREAKING-HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!?!?!?! For a little yardwork, a retractable awning and some paint?

  LOL on the GPC Redundancy, by the way. Government never should have bought out that computer company. Did you know the guy used the profits to make his own orbiting hotel? I want a reality TV show on that.

  Trolll

  Its not just the damage, stupid. He was having a party for his cliants. She tramatized them and now he’s loosing business. Its obvious none of you have any idea how the real world works, so go bak to waching your stupid TV.

  I wuldn’t feel to sorry for Neeta, either. Shes probably raking in the dow on this show. Wonder if she gets Bergies cut?

  Spla77r64

  Sorry, got to chime in with Trolll here. I caught parts of the trial on TV. He did show that he lost a significant number of clients after the incident. Loss of clients=loss of income. I know she was doing her job the best she could, but she should have had more help, contained them faster, something. It was a botched job.

  MANIC_MIND

  Seems to me he’s losing clients (not loosing, btw) because they’re questioning the judgment of a man who would serve pickled beets and blue cheese dressing at an outdoor party on a hot summer’s day when he lives so close to a cemetery. Not to mention the fact that he actually thought his electric fence would keep them out. Frankly, he’s lucky they hadn’t invaded his home earlier, like at night when his family was sleeping. Besides, don’t you think the zombie invasion was traumatizing enough? It would certainly turn me away!

  Spla77r, it’s easy to armchair-quarterback. If you followed the trial, you’d know she was the first to answer the 9-1-1 call, which didn’t come until after they crossed his fence, even though people saw them approaching long beforehand. By the time support arrived, she had taken them on, single-handedly.

  Like someone said, hard-core.

  BrainDeadHead

  Trolll, know what you can do with your real world?

  If I were Neeta, I wouldn’t pay.

  .

  .

  .

  BrainDeadHead

  That’s what she said, Troll! :P

  MANIC_MIND

  Update on Lawsuit Man. He’s rebuilding his pool! Look here for the before and projected “after” pictures. Swimming in Injustice.

  LimbCollector

  That’s wacked! I’m ordering the pickled herring.

  likemineliving

  We had GPC Redundancies in our comp sci lab. It was great. We learned so much about computer repair.

  Rigormortis

  LOL, likemine. Never thought of that.

  .

  .

  .

  Katieforthewin!

  Hey, I saw Katie is going to be on the Evening Show tomorrow. W0000t!

  This really stinks with Neeta, but what can we do?

  StudlyWithSwords

  Hi, guys. Roscoe here. Oh, gawd (sp!) it’s so good to see such an outpouring of love in this forum. I thought I’d give you some inside scoop. Rumor has it, the lawyers are not only holding her home hostage but also her license to re-kill if she misses even one payment. I think she could actually stand losing her house—believe me, it’s not much. I’ve seen it—but zombie extermination is Who She Is!

  As for the money she’s making on this show; trust one who knows. It ain’t as much as you’d think. The million goes to the winner; the rest of us get peanuts. That take-away money Katie got? Neeta had to help pay for it, is what Ted (the gorgeous cameraman—so wish you could see him!) told me.

  Anyway, if you love Neeta as much as we do and you really want to help, here’s what you can do...

  Chapter Six

  Note for: The Zombie Syndrome

  A Documentary

  By Gary Opkast

  Episode: Zombie Hot Spots

  Need a graphic here—perhaps the world with the earliest known zombie spots marked and then adding the next spots until it shows the progression of the phenomenon over the Earth?

  NARRATOR: Whether it began with a single contagion, was the result of a planned attack, or is simply a natural if horrific evolution, the zombie syndrome has spread throughout the world. However, that does not mean zombies are evenly spread across the globe.

  Scene of a busy city—can get news footage of a zombie shuffling? Scan some picks of homeless areas—might be something that will pass.

  NARRATOR: High population areas are, of course, statistically more likely to have a higher zombie population, but that is not always the case. Key political states like Iowa and Massachusetts see an increase in uprisings, especially during Presidential campaigns and primary elections.

  ALISTAIR PENDRAGON, FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION: It’s a real problem, I tell you. I mean, recounts used to be a fairly rare deal, but now, we have to hold them on a regular basis. We’re working to institute procedures for screening out undead, but some people in a certain party are blocking it. Think it’s a “violation of civil rights.” What rights? They’re dead!

  Flip through different scenes as NARRATOR describes. Food Processing centers, restaurants, fast food dumpsters. Definitely use that Funniest Home Videos clip with the zombie getting cut in half by the dumpster lid as he jumps in after a “Happy Meal.”

  NARRATOR: Zombies also seem attracted to certain areas, particularly those associated with strong odors. Pickling facilities...homes and restaurants with kimchi on the menu...and anywhere “secret sauce” is left to spoil.

  DR. HANSEN: We’re not really sure why the undead are drawn to such smells. We do know the hind brain is the most intact in the zombiefied, and the sense of smell is tied to our primitive mind. Of course, the receptor cells of the olfactory epithelium are degraded from the decaying process; in other words,
they can’t smell much. So strong scents that might once have been considered unfavorable would appeal on a primal level.

  Cut to the mattress-shaped building of the Bedder Rest mattress factory and showroom.

  NARRATOR: Another primal appeal seems to be a place for comfortable rest. Mattress factories and warehouses in particular have a problem with zombies. One of the most famous, the Bedder Rest Mattress Center of Burbank, has long been a problem—or has it?

  NARRATOR: May 15, 2022: The first zombie was discovered by the morning shift in the pillow top testing room. Former employee Mortimer Parsons, three month’s dead, was thought to merely be returning to the place he felt most drawn to in life. However, as the months went on, more and more zombies—some identified as having been buried up to a hundred miles away—migrated to the manufacturing plant. In 2025, amid lawsuits, indictments for negligence, and hefty fines for environmental insensitivity, Bedder Rest, Inc. went bankrupt, and its owner and CEO, William Somna, committed suicide. Two weeks later, Somna’s grave was found dug up from the inside. Has he returned to the place that was his life—and death?

  NARRATOR: Twenty years later, the Bedder Rest Mattress Center continues to stand and to draw zombies. Is it a threat? Or a useful containment area?

  DR. HANSEN: The Bedder Rest Mattress Center is what we call a “roach motel.” For the most part, zombies that enter are content to remain in the factory itself.

  Cut to footage of a surveillance camera on a small robot inside the factory showing zombies sleeping, shuffling, picking off each other’s skin...

  VOICEOVER DR. HANSEN: Inside, they stay docile unless something arouses them. A significant smell, the presence of a living creature...

  Footage of a horde piling on a rat, ripping at it and each other, in a feeding frenzy.

  VOICEOVER DR. HANSEN: Or something perceived as a threat—and that can mean just about anything unusual.

  Footage from the surveillance cameras of the robot being nabbed and torn to shreds.

  DR. HANSEN: Bedder Rest and other mattress factories have given us an opportunity to study zombies in unique ways—but will this help us exterminate them? Frankly, I’d rather coat the place in napalm, but that’s a personal opinion.

  NARRATOR: And why hasn’t it been “coated in napalm”?

  BUDGET COMMITTEE CHAIRPERSON, TANYA CARRELL (Clip from press conference, 2028): The Bedder Rest Mattress Factory is known by the State of California to contain hazardous materials of an undead nature. However, the fact of the matter is, they aren’t doing anything. They check in, but they don’t check out. Meanwhile, setting the place ablaze poses serious budgetary, logistical and environmental issues. Rest assured, we are studying the situation to determine the best and safest course of action. In the meantime, we are carefully monitoring the issue, and there’s no present threat to the population.

  BURBANK POLICE CHIEF FRIDAY ACKROID: It’s a menace—a disaster waiting to happen. We have patrols—uniformed officers and exterminators—keeping an eye on the place. Anything steps out, we squish it fast. Nonetheless, we know more are sneaking in there somehow. If they can sneak in, they can get out. They’re just waiting for the right motivation.

  NEETA LYFFE: I patrolled Roach Motel for a month as part of my certification. We had a couple of incidents—once they came after some poor bum too drunk to know where he stumbled into. We even captured some for ZERD. All part of the job. So, yeah, it has its uses. Still, if I had my way, we’d have the National Guard bomb it from the air. Totally raze the place—only way to be sure.

  * * * *

  “Oh, gawd, Neeta! You can’t make us do this again. It’s too cruel.”

  Neeta regarded her plebes with narrowed eyes. Roscoe begged with theatrical expression. Gordon squared his shoulders, ready to “embrace the suck—OOH Rah!” Spud cast down his eyes, resigned. Behind them, LaCenta rolled her eyes at Nasir, who shrugged in reply.

  Neeta spoke with the sweetness of a Rottweiler in a tutu. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think this was all glamour, guts and glory?”

  “G-guts, mostly,” Spud muttered.

  Neeta ignored him. “Or did you think I’d cut you some slack because we ‘bonded’ over lunch?”

  “Oh, Neeta...”

  “This is serious business, people, and I expect you to take it seriously.”

  She reached behind her and picked up the stack of practice tests. She held them before her like a fan as she addressed the three men squirming in their ill-fitting student desks. “There’s more to extermination than chopping off heads or splashing around cleaner.”

  “Chapstick™?” Spud offered. This time, Gordon growled.

  Neeta slapped a test on Spud’s desk, but gave him a slight grin. Now that he was finally loosening up around them, he was starting to show a sense of humor. She liked it.

  “You cannot become a Zombie Exterminator without becoming an exterminator. You need both licenses—your re-kill and the general certification. You three failed that test.” She paused to glare at them. “You will not fail again.”

  Roscoe sighed and opened up his practice test. “We should at least have a cameraman filming some of this. Let people see the dull grind.”

  From the classroom door, Ted said, “I’ll see what I can do. Neeta, can I pull you away for a few minutes? Dave is on a ledge.”

  “Let him jump.”

  Ted shrugged in that easy-going way of his. “He’ll take your challenge with him.”

  Neeta sighed and looked heavenward. She did believe in heaven; not to would have sacrificed her sanity. Sometimes, though, she wondered if heaven believed in her. “Let’s go.”

  They found Dave on the set, shaking his head and waving his arms pessimistically as he circled a zombie. A few steps away, his assistant was cooing at her DoDroid, a beatific expression on her face.

  “Barry,” Neeta cried, and broke from Ted’s side.

  At the sound of its name, the animatronic creature raised its lolling head and with a low moan, shambled toward Neeta, its arms outstretched. They embraced in a sloppy hug.

  Laughing, she waved at the technician off-stage. “Zeek, who else did you bring?”

  Zeek returned the wave. He stuck his iBrick back in its carry-all, and pushed the sound diffuser mike away from his mouth. “Just Barry for the testing, but tomorrow, we’ll bring some Janes, Xaviars and a couple of Virginias as back up. We got a maggot team out collecting fresh supplies.”

  “Perfect!”

  “It is not perfect,” Dave countered. He put his hands to his head as if trying to physically contain his “negative vibes.” “Neeta, this isn’t working for me. Where’s the suspense? Where’s the danger? Zombie piñata? It sounds like a comedy, not reality TV.”

  Neeta bit back an angry retort. They’d gone through this for hours at the last meeting. “Dave, I’m not pitting my plebes unprotected against actual pests until they are better prepared.”

  “I know, I know! But...look at it!”

  Barry lolled its head toward Dave, slack jawed. Something green spilled out of its mouth.

  “Dave, these are the same animatronics we use in training. The ones I wanted to use in the warehouse. Remember the warehouse? Barry could have gnawed on Eidelberg to his heart’s content, and he’d be around to laugh about it today.”

  “Like I said then—he’d have been laughing about it during the challenge. There’s no danger here—no immediacy!”

  Zeek said, “What if we don’t tell them they’re fake?”

  Neeta shook her head. “I’m not doing that to my plebes. It’s too soon.”

  Sharon glanced up from her phone. “The audience isn’t ready, either. Current polls indicate that another uncontained live zombie challenge could result in a loss of up to 23 percent of current viewership.”

  “And potential for new viewers?” Dave demanded.

  She pressed a button on her DoDroid. “Fifteen.” She glanced to make sure he didn’t have another question, pressed another button, and
was soon grinning delightedly and twitching her nose at something on her screen.

  Zeek started moving Barry around the room, pacing him, making him whirl and lunge.

  “See?” Neeta told Dave. “Not worth it. Trust me, Dave, if you want freaky, get effects in—dark sets, fog, strobing lights. It will get pretty darn freaky. Still, this isn’t about danger—this is about handling the gross side. I don’t know if you noticed, but despite everything else that happened in that warehouse, I had plebes flinching—”

  “Katie’s gone.”

  “Gordon. Great with the blood and guts, but did you see how he backed away from the maggots’ nest? He bumped into me, while I was wielding a chainsaw, Dave. And that’s after I’ve spent weeks making them stick their hands and feet into gross things. I’ve been preparing them for this challenge, Dave, because it’s one they need.”

  His face hardened into stubbornness. He didn’t care what they needed. She had to change gears fast.

  “It’s one we need for the show. You said it yourself, Tuesday.” Mimicking his behavior from that day, she draped an arm around him and waved her arm expansively before them. “One exterminator. Three Zombies. Seven Thousand in Cash. Who has the guts to break the Zombie Piñata?”

  Barry dropped into a slack-armed bow. Zeek went over to it and peeled back its shirt, making some adjustments to the spine. Then he grasped it by the ears to make sure it had its head on straight.

  Neeta felt Dave relax. “It has been a good commercial.”

  Sharon spoke up. “Making a real impact with the college demographic.”

  “That’s right. You don’t want to give them a death downer—but something exciting and fun with enough gross to appeal to the kids...”

  “All right!” He threw up his hands. “It’s not like we have time to change plans, anyway. It’s just missing something...an emotional element... No, no. You’re right. Go back to your plebes. I’ll work it. I’ll work it.” Suddenly, his focus narrowed on Zeek, who was pulling at the skin on Barry’s forehead. A keen look crossed Dave’s face. “In fact...”

  His voice trailed off, and with a shooing motion toward Neeta, he approached the technician.