by Tim Miller
“It’s not nice to assume lady. I could assume you were a stinky whore the way you’re dressed. Haha!” He squeezed his nose, causing it to honk as he leaped in the air.
“Ok then,” April said.
“Right this way folks. Keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times!” Crazy Koko said.
“Bye kids! See you on the other side! Don’t have too much fun!” Uncle Monkey called from behind them.
They headed down the dark hall behind Crazy Koko. It was long and pitch black.
“This isn’t very fun for a funhouse,” Stacy said.
“Patience lady!” Crazy Koko snapped. “The fun hasn’t even started!”
They reached a set of large double doors. Crazy Koko pushed them open to reveal another long hallway. There was no floor, just a narrow bridge that stretched out almost fifty feet to another doorway. The bridge was painted red and white and the loud, obnoxious circus music was blasting again.
“Here you go kids! This is where you’re on your own! Have fun!”
“We have to walk across that?” Todd asked.
“Walk, run, skip. However you can get across! Just don’t fall!” Crazy Koko said before skipping off into the darkness. They heard him laughing as he disappeared.
“What the fuck?” Todd asked.
“Let’s just go one at a time. It’s too narrow to try otherwise,” April said.
“What’s down there?” Kim asked leaning over. April glanced too but it was too dark to see anything.
“I don’t know, and don’t want to know. This gives me the creeps,” April said. She was beginning to wish she’d used her ability on the men at the café. It had been so long since she’d used it though. She wasn’t sure how well it would work if at all, and didn’t want to put her friends at any more risk. After all, it was only a funhouse.
“So who goes first?” Todd yelled over the music.
“Why don’t you go? Make sure it’s safe,” Kim asked.
“Fuck that. Ladies first,” he said stepping away. He walked to the double doors and pushed on them, but they wouldn’t budge. “Fuckers locked us in.”
“I’ll go, Jesus Christ,” April said.
Without hesitating, she got onto the bridge and walked quickly straight across without incident. When she got to the other side she turned and held her hands up.
“There! Easy! Now come on.”
Kim went next, then Stacy. Finally Todd went. He walked slower and almost lost his balance about halfway across but he made it. Once they reached the other side, they stepped through the doorway into the next room. This room was round and as the last of them stepped in, the door closed and the floor started moving. They were inside a giant cylinder. April had seen these before as a kid. It was called a Barrel of Fun, except this one kept speeding up.
They took a few steps before falling over. Kim screamed as she tried to balance herself on Todd, who was also falling. They each flopped around each other as if they were inside a tumble dryer. April tried to pull herself across. This was much longer than the “Barrel” she went on as a kid. It went on for at least a hundred feet. She kept low to the ground and crawled as her friends kept trying to stand up and fell over.
Using her elbows to pull herself, she reached the end, but only after getting rolled onto her back several times. She hit her shoulder hard at one point, sending a jolt of pain through her arm all the way to her neck. She was able to ignore it enough to reach the edge of the barrel and tumble into the next corridor. She turned to see the others tumbling around in a tangled mess.
“Guys! Crawl! Don’t try to walk! Get on your stomachs and crawl!” she screamed.
The barrel sped up even more, knocking the group around in a vicious circle. They’d roll to the top before falling back the bottom and then repeating it. They either couldn’t hear her, or were in too much of a frenzy to follow her instructions.
“Fuck it,” she mumbled as she slid on her stomach back into the barrel. It was harder to move and her shoulder ached with each movement. She reached the group and grabbed Kim’s hand. Kim was crying as April began crawling backward holding Kim’s hand. She stumbled along, trying to crawl on her hands and knees, but they made it out. Todd managed to follow them and Stacy was trying to make her way back. April crawled back in about halfway and grabbed Stacy’s hand. April pulled with all her strength until Stacy was out.
They all sat around for a moment, each of them breathing heavily.
“Well, that was fun,” Todd said.
“Yeah, it was a real barrel of laughs,” April said.
“God, that is horrible,” Stacy said. “Seriously?”
“What can I say? You ok Kim?” April asked. Kim was sitting, hugging her knees. Her face was banged up, with blood coming from her lip.
“I’m fine,” Kim said.
“What’s in the next room?”
They stood and walked through the corridor. The door slammed shut behind them as they all stumbled onto the floor, which was soft and bouncy.
“It’s like a bounce house!” Kim said.
“Yeah, real fun,” April said. It was very springy, with each step they bounced several feet.
“So we just walk across again?” Stacy asked.
“Probably. This shouldn’t be too hard,” Todd said as he began hopping across. There was a large bang above them, followed by a mechanical, vibrating sound.
“What the fuck was that?” Todd asked.
April looked up. It took her a second in the low light, but when she saw it her stomach instantly went into knots.
“Fuck,” she said. “The ceiling is coming down.”
Chapter 4
Uncle Monkey sat at the console watching the four kids go through the Barrel of Fun.
“Hey! They made it!” Crazy Koko said from behind him.
“Yeah. I figured they would. Most people make it through there.”
“Cool! They can make it to the fun parts!” Crazy Koko said almost jumping up and down.
“We sure love the fun parts. In the heart of the Funhouse. That’s where the good times are. Where is Creampuff?”
“I think he’s in the maze, waiting.”
“Ok good. They’ll be there soon. You should head there too.”
“Oh! Goody!” Crazy Koko said as he scampered off.
Uncle Monkey remembered when he was that enthusiastic. That had been a long time ago. He had another name back then, but he doesn’t remember it. His parents had come through Happytown. He was ten years old. The clowns at that time took a liking to him. That was just after the war, around 1946. Clowns didn’t scare him as a child. That was long before Stephen King. He liked the clowns. The main one, Dirty Rusty wasn’t much taller than he had been.
Dirty Rusty liked to juggle and entertained him by juggling bowling pins, balls and even fruit. He made the stuff go way high in the air, behind his back and through his legs. Uncle Monkey never could learn those tricks no matter how hard he tried. The rules were the same back then, anyone who came through town had to go through the Funhouse. Dirty Rusty didn’t make him though. He got to hang out and watch the clowns do tricks.
It had been a lot of fun, until his parents didn’t come back out. At least not in one piece anyway. Dirty Rusty said that happens sometimes, and told him he could join them. So he became a clown. They gave him his own outfit, did his makeup. At the time, his name was Little Monkey. It wasn’t until later he became Uncle Monkey.
Through the years, he’d seen many travelers go through the Funhouse. Some of them made it, but most didn’t. No changes were ever made and no new “attractions” ever added. The Funhouse always remained the same. Clowns came and went. The most clowns he’d ever seen at once was six, the fewest was one. That was the worst.
It always seemed like every week, a few people came to the Funhouse. Over the years it had always happened. There was never a long dry spell. No one in town ever bothered them. Once a week someone dropped of supplies and that was it. No v
isitors, no leaving the Funhouse. Those were the rules. A few clowns broke the rules over the years and they paid for it.
He looked back up into the camera and saw them in the bounce room. The ceiling had activated. Part of him hoped they made it through, but part of him hoped the ceiling crushed them. That way they would just get it over with. These first two rooms had been child’s play compared to what they were in for. Looking up at the monitor, Crazy Koko was in the maze, looking up and giving thumbs up into the camera.
At least Koko liked to have fun. Creampuff was another story all together. He tried to find him on the camera, but he wasn’t in site. That was typical. He hated the cameras. He hated people in general. So he was hanging out in the maze somewhere. No doubt he had something whacky planned. Uncle Monkey sat back in his chair and looked back up at the monitor. May as well relax and enjoy the show.
Chapter 5
The ceiling was coming at them quickly. They had to try and move across the bouncy floor without going too high as they would hit the ceiling, which was getting lower and lower. But they had to get across before being crushed. Todd was the first to make it across. April was almost to the other side when Kim screamed from behind. She turned and saw that Kim had fallen and couldn’t get her footing.
This time, Stacy was nearby and grabbed Kim’s hand and put her arm around her shoulder. Together the girls carefully made their way across the bouncy surface toward the corridor. They had to bend at the waist by the time they made it, but April was there to pull them through just as the ceiling closed.
“Motherfucker!” Todd said. “Let us out of here you pricks! You hear me!” he screamed.
“They can’t hear you,” April said. “Even if they could, you think they’ll let us out now? A bunch of fucked up clowns?”
“I’m scared you guys,” Kim said. “That barrel thing was fucked up, but that shit just now? We could have been killed. Are they trying to kill us?”
“They brought us here at gunpoint,” Todd said. “What do you think genius?”
“You know, I’m really getting sick of you talking to her that way,” April said.
“It’s none of your fucking business how I talk to my girlfriend,” Todd replied, stepping closer to her. April took a step up until they were almost nose to nose, though Todd was a few inches taller.
“You think you’re tough?” he said. “You a tough bitch?”
“You’re about to find out,” April said. She was gonna use her ability on him and make him rip out his own hair right then and there, until Stacy stepped between them.
“Hey guys, we still have a ways to go,” Stacy said. “Let’s save our energy, ok? And she’s right Todd. Don’t be such a douchebag.”
He stepped away laughing.
“How about that Kim? I think she wants me,” he said.
April stood there glaring at him. Stacy patted her on the shoulder.
“It’ll be ok. I know he’s a dick,” she said.
“Next time he gets stuck in an obstacle, I’m leaving him,” April said.
“Ok then. Should we keep going?”
They walked through the corridor and into a large room. They could tell it was about the size of a warehouse and it was filled with mirrors. The lights went off and strobes began blinking as more circus music played along with someone laughing over the loud speakers.
“Here we are kids! We’re getting to the real meat of the Funhouse! This is our Maze of Mirrors!” Uncle Monkey called over the speakers. “Crazy Koko is hiding in here somewhere! So is Creampuff! See if you can find your way out before they find you! Hahahahaha!” His voice clicked off as the music continued.
“This fucking sucks,” Todd said.
“It does. You go first this time,” April said. “Ladies first and all.”
He turned and gave her the finger.
“Fine, I’ll go. I ain’t scared of a bunch of mirrors and a couple of weird ass clowns.” He took a few steps forward and disappeared behind a row of mirrors. Kim followed behind him as April and Stacy went in together. Stacy held April’s hand as they slowly walked in.
“I doubt some clown is going to jump out at us already,” April said.
“Just the idea. I hate clowns as it is, let alone these fucking weirdos,” Stacy said.
“Yeah, well I’m not sure what is up with this place or why they want to hurt us. I just want to get us out of here.”
They wandered through the maze, seeing their reflections in every mirror. Some of them trick mirrors, where they looked super fat in one, then tall and skinny in another. Todd and Kim had gone another way through the maze. They’d lost sight of them. There was no way to yell for them over the noise. April figured that was the idea.
As they reached one corner, April noticed the mirror didn’t show their reflection at all.
“That’s weird, you see that?” she said to Stacy. As they got closer, she reached up to touch it when Crazy Koko appeared in the glass laughing.
“Hahahaha! You don’t want do that!” he said laughing and pointing. The girls jumped back so fast, they ran into one of the mirrors. They were thick and heavy. The impact caused April’s sore shoulder to sting again. Looking back Crazy Koko was gone. That mirror was some kind of screen or something. The image had just been a video playback. Whatever it was, it scared the shit out of them.
“You ok?” April asked.
“I think so. I think I pissed myself.”
“You and me both.”
They continued around another corner. There was no way to tell where the hell they were. Everything looked the same. As they turned one corner April saw him. He was knelt down with his back turned, but stood slowly as he turned to face the girls. They took steps back as he stood.
“Is that Creampuff?” Stacy asked.
“If it is, we’re fucked.”
He towered over them, wearing a full clown suit, big floppy shoes and pom pom buttons, the whole suit was blue and green with a bright yellow wig which stuck out in every direction. His face was bright white with his mouth painted on in an O shape. His eyes had the shape of an eye painted onto the outside of his eyelids, so it was hard to tell when his eyes were open or closed. He took a few steps toward them as they backed up.
“April?” Stacy said.
She wasn’t going to risk their lives again. So she concentrated, thinking of her ability, channeling it to the clown. He stopped for a moment and looked down. April waited for him to react so she could control him. But he didn’t. After a few seconds he looked back up at her and continued advancing. What the fuck?
“April?”
“Run!” April yelled as they both turned and took off.
Chapter 6
Kim tried to keep up with Todd who was racing through the maze as if he knew the way out.
“Do you know where you’re going?” she asked.
“It’s a fucking funhouse maze. How hard can it be?”
“Yeah, if you haven’t noticed, this isn’t a usual funhouse. I’ve never been in one that tried to kill me.”
“Just shut up already. I’m trying to concentrate.”
She isn’t sure when he turned into such an asshole. When she first met him a year ago he was very sweet and fun to be around. They started dating shortly after. After six months or so is when he began getting jealous. He cheated on her once that she knew of. When she confronted him with it, he said it was her fault for “not putting out.” She hadn’t been putting out, but that’s because she’d been sick off and on for a couple months. So instead of being by her side, he started fucking some waitress from the pub she used to work at.
It frustrated her to think about it. She remembers the argument. She had everything rehearsed in her mind how she was going to tell him off and throw his ass out. Somehow he turned the table. He said it was her fault; she had been selfish and neglected him and his needs. She tried to argue with him, but he was so good at twisting her words and confusing her.
“I was sick!” she’d s
aid.
“For two months? Right. You were lying around feeling sorry for yourself. Hell, I’ve fucked you when I didn’t feel good. I’ve been downright tired and still gave you some dick, and I have to do all the work! You just gotta lay there.”
She honestly didn’t know what to say to that. What could she say? The whole argument went like that. She’d say something, and he’d bat it right back at her. By the time they were done, she was crying and he was comforting her. Todd wins again.
Stacy had been bugging her to break up with him for a long time. She wanted to break up, but was sure Todd wouldn’t handle it very well, and she hated fighting with him. So there she was.
“Where do you think Stacy and April are? Shouldn’t we go find them?” she asked.
“They’ll be fine. I’m sure April has it all under control. I bet we’re almost out of here anyway,” he said as they turned a corner, which led to a dead end. They turned around and doubled back. Kim tried not to look right at any of the mirrors, the weird reflections creeped her out. Especially the one she actually did look at. There was a giant clown face and it was laughing.
“Jesus!” she said. “That scared the shit out of me!”
“It’s just one of those stupid clowns,” he said. “It’s like a video or something.” He walked over and tapped on the glass which slid backward and opened to the right, revealing some kind of compartment.
“Well look at that!” Todd said. “You think that’s some kind of way out?”
“I don’t know. It’s all black in there. I wouldn’t go in there.”
He stuck his head in, leaning against the outside. Kim took a few steps back as her stomach tightened. Turned out she was right. Todd began screaming as he jumped back. His head and face were covered in spiders, tarantulas. Hundreds of them scurried out of the opening. Even more rained down on them from the ceiling. Kim screamed as the furry arachnids landed on her head, face, and shoulders.
“Where are they coming from?” Todd screamed.
“I don’t know! Get them off me! Get them off me!” Kim screamed as she ran. Her eyes were shut as she ran. She gagged after screaming when one of the spider’s legs went inside her mouth. Unable to see, she collided with one of the mirrors and shattered it. Glass shards cut into her face and hands as she tumbled to the ground.
