Welcome to Happytown (April Almighty Book 2)

by Tim Miller

  From his youth, his job had always been to physically violate and abuse whoever he could as they went through the Funhouse. The whole thing was rigged. In his time, he’d only seen less than ten people make it all the way through. Sure, they were free to go, but most were practically insane by the time they made it. If they were really bad, they were sometimes taken in and became clowns themselves.

  The maze of mirrors had dozens of hidden rooms and trapdoors behind the mirrors. Creampuff was the only one who knew where they all were. They came in real handy for making the guests think you were in more than one place at a time. There were a few parts of the Funhouse he’d never been to. It was also against the rules. Mainly one room, it was on the lower level, there was a large door that said “Keep Out.” It wasn’t even locked from what he’d heard. Just no one was allowed in there. He had no idea what was in there, but never gave it much thought.

  One thing he did know, he enjoyed his work. He’d always been good at it. He had grown much larger than any other clowns ever in the Funhouse. And is facial expression often changed, much to the terror of the guests. It was fun to see the look in their eyes when he popped out at them. The things he’d done to people over the years was the stuff of nightmares. He remembered one time in particular, in the 60’s. A young couple was going through the funhouse. He tore the girl in half and force fed her guts to the boyfriend. That had been fun to watch.

  He never got the begging though. Once he had them cornered, they always begged for their lives, not to be hurt, or to let them go. It was always pointless. Mercy was not part of the Funhouse. So why did they bother? Not to mention what in their pathetic lives brought them to Happytown anyway? Couldn’t be that much worth living. As far as he was concerned, he was doing them all a favor.

  As he went back to listening in to Uncle Monkey talk to the new clown, it was good to see the new clown had settled down. Creampuff didn’t get why the guy was so freaked about how he looked. He thought Todd...er...Captain Cowpoke looked great. He wished he had colorful hair like that. It would be good to have a fourth clown in the house. Uncle Monkey had been watching this guy; apparently he thought he’d be a good clown for them. If not, they all knew what would happen.

  Uncle Monkey spoke as Captain Cowpoke just sat there staring at the ground. He’d had Creampuff retrieve a clown suit for him, which he obliged. He wondered what it was like to be an outsider, who became a clown. All Creampuff knew was the Funhouse. He was sure this guy would like it though. The guy seemed to hate the very girls he was traveling with. He should fit in nicely. Maybe Uncle Monkey would let him take Captain Cowpoke out into the house and go after the two girls who were left. Now that would be some fun. He had no doubt the new guy would enjoy that. Hell, Creampuff would enjoy it too.

  Chapter 14

  Looking at the front entrance, Coy decided to find another way in. Walking around the side of the building, there was a service entrance on the side, but it was locked. He went further down until he found a loading dock for deliveries. Under the dock was a large grate. He wiggled it and found it to be loose. He pulled the grate out and sat it to the side. It opened into a vent shaft that went under the dock and into the building. Bending down slightly, he headed inside.

  The shaft wove around until he reached another grate above him. He pushed it out of the way and climbed out to find himself in some kind of storage area. There were all sorts of contraptions and junk lying around. In one corner was a busted pinball machine. Along the wall was a unicycle. There was other stuff, but he ignored it and headed through the corridor. There were several rooms along the corridor. He checked each of them, but most were storage for junk. Some of it looked extremely old.

  He checked one door, and slid it open. This one wasn’t storage at all. There were several cages, some stacked on top of each other. They looked like kennels you’d use to crate train a large dog, except there were children in them. There was at least six children in there. Most of them didn’t even look at him. One looked up in horror and began screaming.

  “No!” Coy said. “Shh! Quiet! I’m here to help!” But the kid continued to scream. All of the kids had on dirty gowns, and their hands, faces, and hair were all filthy. He didn’t want the screaming kid to alert the clowns, so he stepped back out and shut the door. The screaming continued, but was muffled through the door. What the fuck? Did the kid like it there or something?

  Coy continued on until he reached another set of rooms. He was afraid to look, but he did. This one was huge and freezing cold like a meat locker. Looking around he quickly saw why. There were clowns hanging from meat hooks all through the room; tons of them, maybe a hundred or more. They were all in different clown suits with different types of makeup on, but it was all clowns. He walked through them all, examining them.

  “What in the hell?” he said to himself. They all just dangled there lifelessly. He walked up to one of the clowns. He was bald and had a sad hobo face painted on. He looked closely and touched its skin when its eyes popped open. He jumped back, bumping into another clown which also started to move. The hobo was still looking at him.

  “What the fuck?” Coy cried out.

  “Help us,” the hobo said.

  “What?”

  “Help us, please.”

  “Who are you?”

  “My name is Dirty Rusty. What year is it?”

  “Huh?”

  “What year? How long have I been in here?”

  “It’s 2014.”

  “Oh my God. Please, get me down,” Dirty Rusty said.

  “Me too,” the clown behind him said, in a much more high pitched squeak.

  Coy turned and looked at him.

  “Who are you?” Coy asked.

  “I’m Nutty Buster. Please get me down.”

  “How do I do that? Why would I do that? Everyone is scared of you all.”

  “No need to fear us son,” Dirty Rusty said. “Please, help me down. I can explain everything.”

  “Really? Can you help me find those girls I brought here? They made me bring them in here earlier. I came in to find ‘em. Just didn’t feel it was right.”

  “We can try. The Funhouse shows no mercy to those who attempt it though. Please, this hook is hurting.”

  Coy nodded and looked around. He found the end of the chain on a pulley. He undid the latch and used the chain to lower Dirty Rusty to the ground. From there he did the same for Nutty Buster. The two clowns pulled the hooks out of their backs. Coy thought it was odd there was no blood.

  “So are all of these clowns alive? I thought you two looked dead.”

  “Yes and no. I guess they are in a sort of suspended animation. When you touched us, your heat was enough to wake us up.”

  “What the hell? What is this place? What are you guys?”

  “That’s tricky to explain. A lot has changed. I’ve been hanging in here since 1964. Not long after this place went up. Nutty there must have been after me.”

  “Yep! Sure was! They put me in here in 1987!”

  “Why? For what?” Coy asked.

  “We clowns are not like you. We aren’t human per se. Ok, we’re not human at all. We don’t die, at least not while inside the Funhouse. So as punishment, they don’t kill us. They hang us in here.”

  “And you just hang in here all frozen for fifty years?”

  “Or however long they see fit. Though to my knowledge, no one has ever been let down. Some of these guys I had put in here years ago when we were still using a tent. We had to move them over when this place was built.”

  Coy couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had known the Funhouse was here for his whole life. He just never knew anything about it. Just talking to this weird hobo, he’d learned more about it in five minutes than everyone in town put together.

  “Where did this place come from? Where did you all come from?” Coy asked.

  “We’ve been around a very long time. Our old circus tent stood here long before this town did. We are sort of caret
akers I suppose, of the Funhouse.”

  “Why does this place need a caretaker? Doesn’t sound like its much fun. Why not just leave?”

  “Why do you think I was hanging here? No clown leaves the Funhouse unless instructed to. Leaving on your own is punishable by living death, or this room. Now, let’s go find these girls before it’s too late.”

  Chapter 15

  April dropped almost ten feet onto the ground below. Stacy struggled to climb down and April did her best to help her. She lost her balance as Stacy let go of the ledge, knocking them both to the ground. They stood and looked around. They were in some kind of hallway with single lights spaced out along the walls.

  “Where are we?” Stacy said.

  “Beats me,” April answered as they began walking. “There has to be a way out from here. At least I hope.”

  “Beats that fucking mirror maze shit.”

  “Right?” April said.

  They walked through the long hall where the only sounds were the echo of their footsteps.

  “This is fucking creepy,” April said.

  “Maybe a little.”

  “Well, well! Look who made it out of the hall of mirrors!” a voice said from behind them. Crazy Koko. “I heard you met my son. Not very nice to kick little boys in the face!”

  April looked at Stacy and without a word they both took off running in the other direction. She wasn’t about to go head to head with one of those clowns and figured he couldn’t run very well in those big, floppy shoes. Sadly she was wrong; he was gaining on them quickly.

  “Don’t run away kids! The party is just getting started! Hahahaha!” he squealed.

  April turned and saw the little clown who was now slightly taller, hopping along next to Crazy Koko. Both were running along with huge strides, bouncing with each new stride. It would have looked funny had they not been trying to kill her. There was a room ahead where they stepped inside and pulled the door shut. April latched the deadbolt hoping it would buy some time.

  “Shit!” Stacy said. “Did you see that?”

  “Yeah, they’re fast little fuckers,” April said looking around the room. There were all kinds of things piled up. There were tools, hardware items, toys, and electronics.

  “Look at all this shit,” April said. “How much you wanna bet this stuff belonged to other people who came through here?”

  “I wouldn’t doubt it,” Stacy said.

  April found a large duffel bag and unzipped it. There was a snorkel and flippers along with other swimming gear. She tossed the bag aside and grabbed another, hoping to find something she could use. There was a green military bag underneath a pile of stuff. April grabbed it and dumped the contents out as the sound of keys jingling on the other side of the door rang through the room.

  “Fuck! April he’s got a key!” Stacy said. “He’s got a fucking key! Jesus Christ!”

  Well of course he does. This was the fucking Funhouse after all. In addition to the keys, the two clowns were both giggling incessantly. Apparently it wasn’t just an act; they actually were that delirious. Going through the bag’s contents there was web gear, a canteen, a helmet, and then she saw it.

  The eighteen inch handle covered with a nylon sheath. She removed the sheath and saw the head of the tomahawk. Her dad had one of these years ago. He used it to chop fire wood for camping. He would also throw it at targets for sport. She’d never handled one herself, until now.

  “April! What are you doing! Hurry!” Stacy said as the lock clicked and the door swung open. Without a second’s hesitation, April charged the door with the tomahawk cocked over her shoulder. Crazy Koko’s smile disappeared as she unloaded the tomahawk into his face as if she were Babe Ruth swinging for the fences. The sharp blade went into the side of his face, almost taking half his head off. She pulled it out and hacked at him again, and again and again.

  His head felt weird and rubbery like that giant clown’s did, but once she got toward the middle, the blood began to flow. There were no brains or skull though. What the hell were these things? It didn’t matter as she hacked and hacked until his head was nothing but bloody, mangled chunks. He’d almost completely stopped moving after the second or third swing, but she couldn’t stop herself.

  “April! I think you killed him.”

  April stepped back, holding the tomahawk at her side, blood soaking her face, hair, and front of her body. She looked his busted face over. His body was twitching, especially his legs. Rearing back with her foot, she kicked him repeatedly in the side until he stopped moving. She looked at Stacy and saw her friend’s mouth hanging open, looking absolutely horrified. She hoped her best friend wasn’t afraid of her now.

  “Good,” She said as she looked out the door. The little clown was nowhere in sight. He must have run off when she demolished the elder clown. “The little one ran off. Let’s get out of here,” April said.

  “Jesus. You ok?” Stacy asked.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Is this the kind of thing you had to do when you escaped those rednecks?” Stacy asked. April was taken by surprise at the question. She’d never gone into detail about what had happened there or how she escaped. It wasn’t something she liked to think about. While she couldn’t forget what happened, the details weren’t something she dwelt upon.

  “Something like that I guess.”

  “I always knew you were a bad bitch. You really fucked him up.”

  “Yeah,” April said. “Fuck these clowns.”

  Chapter 16

  Todd sat and listened to Uncle Monkey explain about the Funhouse. He didn’t hear most of what the man had said. As Uncle Monkey talked, Todd kept feeling his face and his new hair. He couldn’t get that glimpse of himself in the mirror out of his head. It wasn’t that he was ugly; he looked horrifying. Plus the fact that it wasn’t makeup; they’d made him into an actual clown. How would he ever get back to normal? Would he ever get back to normal?

  “You listenin’ kid?” Uncle Monkey asked. “I’m not goin’ over all this shit again.”

  “Yeah, I’m listening,” Todd said.

  “So as I was saying, the Funhouse isn’t so much as alive as it is organic. We are not just the caretakers, but we’re extensions of it. It’s really pretty neat. You’ll see the longer you are here. Even in the next few hours, you’ll begin to understand the place. You’ll know your way around. You’ll know where stuff is. That mirror maze will be child’s play for you to navigate. It’s like we’re all interconnected through the Funhouse, yet we’re each our own clown.”

  This was a lot to take in. Organic Funhouse? Sounded like a hipster hangout in Austin.

  “So where did you guys come from? I mean. Are you like aliens or something?” Todd asked.

  “Aliens? Haha! Aliens? You hear that Creampuff? He asked if we were aliens!” Uncle Monkey nudged Creampuff who just stood there with his usual dead eyes. “No, son. We’re not aliens. We’re clowns. Are ya stupid? Maybe I should just put you down. I don’t think you’re not cut out to be one of us.”

  “No! No! I’m just trying to figure out where you...I mean we...where we came from?”

  “We been around a long time kid. You might be surprised. Hell we used to run things. You’ve seen them pictures by ancient Egyptians?” Uncle Monkey asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “You seen drawings of ancient Pharaohs with their faces all painted up? You think that was makeup? Hell no!”

  “You mean like King Tut was a clown?”

  “Maybe not him, but a lot of them were. The people worshipped us. No one else looked like us or could do the things we could.”

  “Did they have a funhouse too?” Todd asked.

  “I don’t know for sure. I imagine they did. Maybe it was a fun cave or fun pyramid or something. Either way, that’s the first recorded part of our history.”

  “Do you know where we came from?”

  “Lots have guessed. The clown who was here before me thought we was demons or something. I hig
hly doubt that,” Uncle Monkey said.

  “So what do you think we are?”

  “Just clowns I guess. Don’t matter what we call ourselves.”

  “So why is this place here? Why do they force people to go through here?”

  “Damn you ask a lot of questions kid. It’s ok though. Everything in life has a job, a purpose. Ours as clowns is to clown. Believe it or not, clowns weren’t always happy, fun guys who made balloon animals.”

  “Yeah, I know that.”

  “Hell, most people nowadays are scared a clowns. Ultimately it’s fear. As I said the Funhouse is organic. It feeds off fear. Don’t ask me how. I just know when no one comes through here for a while, things start breaking. It gets colder in here and all of us get more and more irritable. We get a bunch like you in here, then its play time! The more running and screaming you all do, the happier we are.”

  “I don’t want to kill people,” Todd whined.

  “Sure ya do! You’re not one of them any more kid. Enough talking. Your pals are still out there. Why don’t you go and surprise ‘em real good!” Uncle Monkey slapped him on the leg and hopped to his feet. “Creampuff! Why don’t you go check on Crazy Koko? He’s been out there awhile. Captain Cowpoke! Off you go!”

  Todd stood and walked back into the maze of mirrors. No way could he call himself Captain Cowpoke. He walked around the maze and was surprised at how he just knew his way around. Crazy Koko was the one who had attacked Kim. He’d run off and left her behind. She was probably fine though; she was a tough girl.

  Though that thought went away as soon as he turned one corner to find her body.

  “Kim?” he whimpered.

  He walked over and knelt down next to her body. Her torso had been totally ripped open, with her insides strewn about. She lay in a pool of dried blood. He had no idea how Crazy Koko had done that to her.