To Have and to Harm

by Debra Doxer

  “Ray…” I breathe out, clenching my fist as my chest starts to constrict. I knew she was sick and that she was getting worse, but I never imagined the nightmare she’s describing.

  “Then the last time I woke up,” she continues, “I was in my father’s house, and it was done. I was cured.”

  She sounds so miserable that she didn’t die, and I’m too shaken by how close I came to losing her to respond at first. My feelings are so different from hers. But I hear the defeated tone in her voice, and I desperately want to erase it. “You’re blaming yourself when it was out of your control.”

  “But it wasn’t.” She grimaces. “It was in my control…to give up, to let go.”

  The words stagger from her mouth as though they hurt her, like they’re coated in needles. I’m shocked by how little she understands herself. “You’re wrong. You don’t have it in you to give up. You’re supposed to be here. I’m so fucking happy about that fact, you have no idea.”

  She has no reaction because she doesn’t believe me. She doesn’t want to. “Come here,” I say, taking her in my arms again, wishing I could say something to ease the pain in her eyes, and wondering why she feels the need to suffer alone. “Why didn’t you call me?” I ask softly beside her ear. “You should have called me.” Even though I can see how broken she is, the fact that she didn’t reach out to me hurts. “Did they tell you not to contact anyone? Did they threaten you, Apollo and your father?”

  Raielle stiffens for a moment before slowly shaking her head. “No. No threats. Just warnings about my father’s enemies and exposing anyone I care about to them. I couldn’t risk it, and I didn’t want to. I would never drag you away from everything you worked so hard for and get you involved in this. You deserve better. But I missed you every day, Lucas. I ached for you every minute. I never stopped thinking about you.”

  Her words burn into me. Apollo may have taken her away, but she decided to stay away, and that cuts so deeply I don’t know if I can get over it, even though I reluctantly understand it. She’s selfless to a fault, willing to martyr herself at my expense as well as hers, and far too willing to let me go when she thinks it’s for my own good.

  I don’t know what I was expecting when I found her again, but it wasn’t this, not the broken girl I’m holding now. I thought we’d both be fighting like hell to get back to each other, but I was the only one fighting. It didn’t occur to me that she’d give up on us because I know she loves me. Now I have to make her understand that loving me is more important than saving me.

  “WE’RE GOING to be a team now,” Lucas says, giving me a serious look.

  But I’m too distracted to listen as I drink him in, noticing the way my body craves his touch. That hasn’t changed or lessened over time. His hair is longer than I remember, the sides falling over his ears and the back curling into his collar. He probably hasn’t bothered with a haircut since I last saw him. He looks slimmer, too, still muscular and strong, though. I can’t believe he’s here. I don’t deserve him, and I should be sending him away, but I can’t. I’m not strong enough to do that when he’s right in front of me.

  He’s been suffering, too. I see that now. I did him a terrible disservice believing he was better off without me, that he would go to school as planned and move on. He couldn’t move on any more than I could. Pushing him away now would only hurt him.

  “Which means you need to be a team player,” he’s saying. “Ray?”

  I rein in my wandering thoughts. “What?”

  Lucas’s brow furrows in frustration. “I’m saying that you need to be a team player, and I’m the captain of the team, which means I’m in charge now.”

  My eyes narrow. “What are you talking about?”

  He blows out a breath and runs a hand through his thick hair. “Back in Fort Upton, I listened to you far too much.”

  “What?” I bark out a laugh.

  “I’m serious. I think I was a little in awe of you. I mean, look at you. You’re gorgeous, and you have these kickass healing powers. Let’s face it. You’re not the average girlfriend.”

  I can feel the smile lighting my face.

  “But your judgment sucks.”

  My grin falls away.

  “You have no sense of self-preservation. You don’t think you’re deserving of anything. That’s why you need me to run the show until you’re back on your feet again and thinking clearly. Then we can revisit a more equal distribution of power in this relationship.”

  I just stare at him. “You can’t be serious.”

  Lucas folds his arms over his chest. “As a heart attack. How much weight have you lost?”

  Turning away, I begin searching the floor for my jeans.

  “How much?” he repeats, wrapping his fingers around my arm and making me look at him.

  “I get your point.” I scowl.

  In the doorway, Apollo clears his throat. “Sorry to interrupt, but you’ve got to get to class, Raielle.”

  “No class today,” Lucas states firmly. “We need to finish this conversation.”

  My jaw drops. I look at Apollo, waiting for him to chew Lucas out. But he just nods easily and walks away.

  Lucas grins. “See? He knows who’s in charge.”

  “Unbelievable,” I whisper, shaking my head. “You’re taking advantage of the situation.”

  “What situation?”

  “The one where I feel like crap for what I did to you, but I can’t bring myself to get really pissed because I’m too happy to see you.”

  “Oh. That situation.” He smirks. “Yeah, I’m using it.”

  Nikki strolls into the room, shifting a curious glance between us before her appraising and obviously appreciative eyes settle on Lucas.

  I clear my throat. “Um, Nikki. This is Lucas.”

  “Her boyfriend,” he adds, his tone indicating that I should have said it myself.

  Nikki’s gaze grows wide.

  “Lucas, this is Nikki.” I begin pulling my pants on in front of everyone, since I don’t have much choice.

  Nikki’s eyebrows crawl up toward her hairline. “You’ve been holding out on me. Do you go to school here?” she asks him.

  I’m about to answer no, when he shocks me with a yes.

  “What?” I gape at him.

  He seems abashed as he runs his hand over the back of his neck. “Can we talk about this later?”

  “No.” I answer, his strange reaction making it impossible to wait. “It’s your turn now. Talk to me.”

  He shoots a quick glance at Nikki, who’s still standing there looking extremely interested, before turning hooded eyes on me. “I applied here back in the spring.”

  “In the spring?” I repeat as my face wrinkles in confusion. But then something clicks in my head, a memory. “You mean all those trips to the school office that you wouldn’t explain? The stuff you had to take care of? You were making plans to go here?”

  Lucas looks at Nikki, obviously uncomfortable that she’s hearing this, before hesitantly nodding.

  “Stalker,” Nikki coughs out, leveling an amused gaze at me.

  “Could you excuse us?” Lucas finally asks, his tone even despite the way he’s glaring at her.

  She frowns. “This is my apartment.”

  I shoot her a pleading look.

  “Fine.” She sighs, bending to pick her bag up off the floor. “Call if you need me.”

  Once she’s gone, I stare after her, shaking my head in disbelief. “You didn’t mention this, not once.”

  Before he can answer, Jason comes back in. He looks between us. “Forgot something,” he mumbles. Then he heads for the bedroom.

  Lucas mutters to himself before reaching for my hand. “Let me take you to your place. We can talk there. Okay?”

  I don’t answer because I’m too busy thinking back over that time. I can feel him watching me with a guarded, assessing gaze when a conversation we had one night in his truck pops into my head. He asked me why I wanted to go back to Cali
fornia, and I gave him a simple “I just do” answer because my real reason was too complicated to get into. His reaction was a silent, almost sad smile, like he was accepting the fact that we would be saying good-bye to each other soon. But I must have misread him because he hadn’t accepted it at all. He was secretly making plans to go with me.

  I’m feeling so many things right now, I can hardly think straight. I do know that Nikki doesn’t get it. She can’t understand. Lucas is used to giving up what he wants for the people he loves, and that’s what he did for me. A part of me is overwhelmed by it. But another part feels hopelessly sad for him. I don’t want to be another person he has to make sacrifices for. Especially since I’m not a good bet. My life doesn’t have happy endings, and every time it seems like something good is happening, it all crumbles to dust. Lucas can’t fall with me when the next sinkhole opens up beneath my feet.

  His warm hand lands on my shoulder, and I look up into his concerned eyes. “Where do you live?” he asks gently, seeming to know how unsettled I’m feeling.

  I clamp down on my thoughts, knowing they’re not going anywhere good. “Nearby. On Wilshire,” I reply.

  He waits while I gather my things. Then he holds my hand as we leave the apartment and head downstairs. Having him beside me is surreal, and I keep wondering when I’m going to wake up. On the one hand, it feels like we’ve been apart forever. On the other, it seems like just yesterday that I told him I love him. I can picture him back in Fort Upton so clearly, but I never pictured him here.

  He walked away from everything to come after me. The fact that he did this is staggering. My insides feel scrambled. The world as I know it could never produce someone like him. I don’t know what to do with all the emotions crashing together inside me. So I concentrate on the firm warmth of Lucas’s hand surrounding mine. It grounds me, and I start to let myself believe that he’s here, and that he may stay.

  When we get outside, I squint against the sunlight, waiting for my eyes to adjust. Then I notice that the Porsche is gone. Apollo probably took it home again. Beyond it, I see Lucas’s truck. “You drove all the way to LA?”

  Lucas nods, following my gaze. My skin starts to tingle as I recall being pressed against that truck while his hands traveled over my body.

  When I look at him, the heat in his eyes tells me he’s remembering, too. Right then, a noisy pack of students strolls by, just like that night. Lucas grins at me, breaking the sudden tension as he opens the passenger door for me to climb inside. His hands splay across my hips, unnecessarily lifting me up to place me on the seat. Then his fingers skim across my stomach as he releases me. He’s hardly stopped touching me since he showed up, like he’s reassuring himself that I’m really here the way I keep doing with him.

  When he climbs in on the driver’s side, I keep my eyes straight ahead. His scent surrounds me, and I sink down into the leather seat as memories of our times together assault me. I grow warm remembering all the places he’s touched me and kissed me. But as he pulls out into traffic, the question he asks rips through my thoughts. “Do you want to know about Kyle?”

  I don’t answer, not sure whether I want to hear this or not. But I can feel his eyes on me.

  “Do you want to hear what happened after you left?” he asks.

  I blow out a breath, knowing he’s not going to drop it. It seems that Lucas wants me to face everything I’ve been avoiding all in one morning. Steeling myself, I turn to look at him. “Apollo told me that my father sent him a letter saying he was taking custody of me. He said there was a court order along with it so Kyle couldn’t do anything.” I hesitate. “Once I was gone, did you tell him what really happened to me?”

  He glances at me. “No. I promised I wouldn’t. He just thinks your father found you and you left without a word.”

  Relief filters in as I try to ignore the familiar guilt. I finger the worn seam on the side of my jeans, wondering if Penelope has grown at all, and if she asks about me. “I have another brother,” I say, thinking of Kyle and Shane, and how different they are.

  His head snaps in my direction. “What?”

  I nod. “Another half brother.”

  His brow creases. “This is by your father?”

  “Yeah. He was married before he met my mother.” I glance out the window as he turns onto Wilshire. “It’s this building right here.” I point.

  Lucas’s gaze travels up the length of the glass-and-concrete structure, and he releases a low whistle. Once he pulls into the circular entrance, the valet appears to greet him. Lucas hesitates before handing over his keys. As I move beside him, his eyes grow wide, taking in the luxurious lobby.

  “Hey,” he whispers, touching my shoulder, “isn’t that the guy from Mad Men?”

  I smile at him. “Yeah. I think he lives here when they’re filming.”

  “No way,” he says, seeming starstruck.

  “There’s always lots of celebrities around. You’re going to look like a total tourist if you gawk at them.”

  “He’s the first really famous person I’ve seen. Although, I think I spotted Freddy Krueger at the Westside Pavilion. He was buying an ice cream.”

  I giggle as he turns his head and gestures outside. “I still can’t get used to all the palm trees. Every street is lined with them.”

  “It’s a lot different from Fort Upton.” I press the elevator button for my floor.

  Lucas watches me, looking uncharacteristically cheerful all of a sudden. “I know. All the colors are brighter, and the people seem happier here. Like all the sunshine goes to their heads or something.”

  I smile, amused by his reaction to LA. The truth is I can’t take my eyes off him. In the elevator, I lean my body against his, still in shock that I can touch him, and realizing that the last time I smiled and laughed was when I was with him. He only turned up an hour ago, and he already has me grinning again. It’s like when he found me, I found some long-absent part of myself. A part I tried to bury and have been mourning the loss of ever since.

  The doors slide open, and we step out into a small hallway. Beside me, I can feel Lucas looking around. “Yours is the only apartment on this floor?”

  “It has a private entrance that’s monitored. It’s more secure that way.” I unlock the door and head inside, hoping that Shane isn’t here.

  “Nice,” Lucas says, eyeing the floor-to-ceiling windows that line the living room.

  I glance around, seeing it through his less jaded eyes. “Yeah, I guess it’s nice.”

  “Someone likes white,” he adds. “Why don’t you like to stay here?”

  Right then, Shane’s door opens, and he stumbles out shirtless with bedsheets piled in his arms. The beige sheets have red stains on them that look like blood, lots of it. When he glances up and spots Lucas, he pauses halfway into the living room. His eyes narrow as they scan the apartment, and his brows launch upward when he notices me.

  “Hey,” he mumbles.

  I stare pointedly at the sheets. “Are you okay?”

  A slow smile slices across the severe angles of his face. “I’m perfect.”

  Then a half-naked girl appears in the doorway behind him. “I still have scars, Shane,” she whines. “Will the scars heal on their own or do we need to do it again? Because I wouldn’t mind doing it again.” She giggles.

  My gaze travels over both of them as I wonder what they’ve been doing.

  “Shh.” Shane holds a finger to his lips. “No sex talk in front of my little sister.”

  She whips her head in my direction. “So that’s the sister I’ve been hearing about?”

  Now that she’s facing me, I can clearly see dried blood at the top of her chest and along her thighs. Suddenly I get it, and my stomach rolls. “Jesus, Shane,” I mutter.

  He cocks his head at me, questioningly. “What? You’ve never done it?”

  My eyes widen at the suggestion.

  “You’re missing out. Fucking and healing,” he says, feigning a faraway blissful expr
ession. The girl smiles condescendingly at me, pleased at my shock. “You should try it,” he says. “Seriously, you have no idea what you’re missing.”

  I look at Lucas. Somehow he manages to appear unfazed. “This is Shane,” I say flatly, scowling at my half brother. “Shane, this is Lucas.”

  Shane directs his gaze at Lucas. “You’re with her? You deserve a fucking medal for that.” Then he walks toward the kitchen and begins dumping the sheets in the washing machine. The girl twirls her hair around her finger before turning and heading back into Shane’s bedroom.

  “So that’s your brother,” Lucas comments, beside me now.

  “Yeah.”

  “He can heal, too?”

  “Apparently.”

  “Your brother doesn’t like you much,” he says thoughtfully, seeming to have no feelings about it.

  “It’s mutual.” I shoot another glare in Shane’s direction.

  Lucas is quiet as he stares at me for a moment before taking in his surroundings, examining my new life.

  “My room is this way.” I have no idea what he’s thinking as I turn and head into my bedroom. Dropping my bag on the bed, I watch Lucas as he walks in and begins looking around, poking his head into the bathroom, examining my belongings on the dresser, briefly picking up my copy of Jane Eyre.

  His long fingers rifle through the pages of my favorite book before he sets it back down again. While he’s preoccupied, I let my eyes travel over the black T-shirt that stretches across his muscled back and outlines his broad shoulders. It’s loosely tucked into faded jeans that sit low and hug his narrow hips. Watching the confident way he moves causes warmth to pool inside me.