To Have and to Harm

by Debra Doxer

  “You really want to do that?” he asks.

  The truth is, the only bad thing about that place was Alec. Otherwise, I had family that cared about me and real friends for the first time in my life. “I’d like to see Kyle and Penelope.”

  “Kyle calls you on your phone at least once a week,” Lucas says.

  The familiar guilt I feel about cutting him out of my life prods at me. “I know.” I saw the caller ID. And my message in-box is full, mostly because of Kyle, but I haven’t listened to any of the messages. “You never answered it when it was him?” I ask.

  “No. I don’t have anything to say to Kyle.” Lucas leans over me and slowly runs his hands up and down my side. “We’ll talk to Grant. There must be a way to stop your father that doesn’t involve putting you in the same room with him.”

  I smile up at him, because even though he hasn’t said it, he wants his life back, and together we’re going to figure out a way to get it for him. Then I do what I’ve been wanting to since he stepped out on the patio. I kiss him. He kisses me back as his eyes close. When they open again, he stands abruptly, pulling me up with him. “Apollo,” he says.

  I turn around and there he is, leaning back against the house, watching us.

  He smiles. “Relax, will ya? I just came by to check on you.”

  Staring up into Apollo’s dark eyes, I ask, “Does my father know you’re here?”

  His expression sobers. “Yes.”

  Lucas reaches for his shirt on the table and begins to pull it on.

  “Do you know what my father did to me?” I ask, but it sounds more like an accusation. I’ve wondered if he knew what I was walking into when he took me to my father’s house. An ache forms in my chest when I think of Apollo playing any part in this.

  He nods. “I know now. But I didn’t know when I left you there.”

  “For someone who’s supposed to be watching over her, you seem to be conveniently absent for all the significant things,” Lucas says.

  Apollo goes still and slowly turns his attention to Lucas, but Lucas is looking at me, telegraphing his disdain for Apollo so strongly that it shocks me.

  He’s right, though. When I string it all together, thinking of the events that took place in his absence, especially one horrific event, I can’t deny that Lucas has a point. I turn hurt eyes on Apollo. “Did you know my mother was going to be murdered? Did you let it happen?”

  Apollo’s eyes narrow on Lucas before meeting mine again. “I didn’t know,” he says flatly.

  I can feel a knot in my stomach grow. “Are you lying to me?”

  Something that resembles shame flits across his face. “I don’t control my own life. I haven’t since I met your daddy. I do what he tells me.”

  “Where were you that day?” I ask.

  His jaw sets, and he looks away. I think back to that terrible afternoon, coming home to find her dead with her blood spilling across the table, and seeing Apollo’s apartment door cracked open only an inch or so. I remember thinking that was odd. “You were home,” I say quietly. “You were inside listening, weren’t you?”

  When his eyes reluctantly meet mine again, he nods. My stomach lurches, and my hand goes up to my mouth. I can feel the pressure of Lucas’s fingers on my back, giving me strength. “You both let her die. You and my father,” I whisper.

  Lucas shifts restlessly beside me. “It goes even further. Doesn’t it?” he says to Apollo before looking back at me. “Alec asked your father to heal Penelope first, and he refused because he knew Alec would go to your mother and you next. Your father wanted your mother gone. He wanted you to try to heal Penelope. He was watching you the whole time to see what you were capable of.”

  My eyes widen on him, wondering how he could know that.

  Looking regretful, he says, “Before I came out here, Alec told me that he asked your father first. I would have said something sooner, but I didn’t get the significance of it until now.”

  Apollo looks unsure as his eyes travel between us, but then he nods, confirming Lucas’s words, and my knees grow weak.

  “My father has been behind everything,” I say. “He was working with Alec to kill my mother.”

  Apollo shakes his head. “Not exactly. Alec was convenient. He and your daddy had the same goal. Alec wanted his granddaughter healed, and your father wanted to see if you could do it.”

  I swallow back my tears. My mother was just part of some experiment for my father. For Alec, she was simply in the way. She was disposable to both of them, like her life meant nothing. I glare at Apollo. “How can you work for him?”

  He tenses at my harsh tone. “I have no choice,” he snaps. Then he purposely takes a breath and calms himself down. “He gave me my son’s life back, and I gave him mine.”

  I stare at him. “Your son?”

  He nods.

  “You never told me you had a son.”

  Laughing quietly, he says, “It never came up.”

  “Where is he? What happened to him?”

  Apollo’s dark eyes zero in on me. “He’s fine, nearly a teenager now. But he was only four when he got into my stash and swallowed a bunch of pills. He thought they were candy. I raced him to the emergency room and they pumped his stomach, but it was too late.”

  “Your stash?” I ask.

  One of his shoulders hitches up. “I was a dealer, Raielle. Still am sometimes. You know that.”

  But I tended to overlook it because I thought he was a friend to me. “What about his mother?” I ask.

  His eyes freeze over. “She was an addict. I took the kid from her when I saw how she was neglecting him. I’m not sure the bitch even noticed.”

  “And my father saved your son?” I ask.

  “He was at the hospital that day. He approached me—collected me, I guess—the way he likes to collect people he thinks can help him. We made a deal, and he saved my kid.” He says all this nonchalantly, like it’s over and done, but I can see how rigid he’s standing, barely hiding the resentment he feels. And I can also see how naive I was to think he was my friend. I never really knew anything about him at all.

  Shifting his feet and looking uncomfortable with all he’s just revealed, Apollo is eager to change the subject. “Besides checking on you, I’m also supposed to convince you to come back with me.”

  I stare at him in disbelief. “What could you possibly say that would convince me to go back there?”

  “Convince or forcibly take back?” Lucas asks, crossing his arms.

  Apollo places his hands on his hips, looking offended at the suggestion. “No one is here to force you into anything. Your dad says that he didn’t know what was happening to you. He didn’t realize he was hurting you. He just wants you to forgive him so he can make it up to you. That’s why he wants to see you.”

  I laugh miserably. “Seriously? He said that?”

  Apollo doesn’t respond.

  “You can tell her father that she’s not coming back,” Lucas says, putting his arm around my shoulder.

  “No. Don’t do that,” I add quickly. “Tell him I’ll come back when I’m ready, but he needs to give me time.”

  “What?” Lucas turns on me.

  “How much time?” Apollo asks.

  “A few days at least, maybe a week.”

  I can feel Lucas bristling beside me as Apollo arches skeptical eyebrows in my direction. As long as Apollo is here, I figure we may as well use him to our advantage. “I need time to think about everything. I’ll come to him when I’m ready. Get me more time.”

  His eyes travel between an oddly silent Lucas and me. “Fine. I can do that. During that time, what will you actually be doing?” Apollo asks.

  I try to look offended. “Just what I said.”

  Apollo stares at me, scrutinizing my expression. He takes a step closer to me, and then another. Lucas begins to block his path when I hold my hand out to stop him. An unimpeded Apollo doesn’t halt until his face is only inches from mine. “I like you, Ra
ielle. I always have,” he says in a calm voice. “You’re a brave kid.”

  I stand stock-still, listening. He’s so close, I can smell cigarettes on his breath.

  “I’ll buy you time. But you’d better be careful. Make sure you succeed at whatever it is you’re planning.” His eyes drill into mine. “Because if you decide to run away, he’ll send me after you, and I will find you.” With that, he turns and walks back into the house. A moment later, we hear the front door close behind him.

  I fall hard into the chair behind me, clasping my shaking hands together tightly.

  “Sounds like he won’t help us, but if we try something, he won’t interfere. Should we fail, though, look the fuck out.” Lucas is scowling toward the door. Then with a heavy sigh, he drops down into the chair beside me. “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “They all treated my mother like dirt, like she was nothing,” I manage to say.

  I hear footsteps, then I see Grant lingering in the doorway. “I guess Apollo delivered his message,” Grant says. “You know, he’s just your father’s go-between. I didn’t think it would be a bad idea for you to hear him out. But, apparently, I’m on the shit list and not invited to Apollo’s parties anymore.”

  Lucas turns to Grant. “So, how do we stop him? Ray wants to go back there to try to steal his power the way he took hers. I told her there has to be another way.”

  Grant shifts his weight as his eyes travel between us. “Well…” He hesitates. Then his eyes stay on Lucas. “That isn’t a bad idea.”

  I blink my surprise before glancing at Lucas, and rather than flying off the handle, he’s just sitting there not looking like he wants to wring Grant’s neck. The ticking muscle in his jaw is his only reaction. Just as I’m about to ask him if he’s okay, he mumbles, “Shit,” and runs a hand through his hair.

  Grant shrugs. “I won’t lie. That would be the most effective solution. We’d basically be neutering the prick. If we could get John alone, we could protect Raielle while she tries it.”

  Lucas stares up at him like he’s trying to decide if he’s serious. Grant bears it silently, his eyes pinned to Lucas’s. They’re having some kind of staring contest. Then Lucas asks, “How would this work? I don’t think her father is letting you get anywhere near him again.”

  My head swivels between the two of them. Not only are they not trying to dissuade me, they’re thinking about it themselves? “Are you two being serious right now? Lucas?”

  Lucas slowly turns to me. His expression is blank, completely unreadable. “You heard Apollo. If we run, he’ll follow. I want a life with you, Ray. Maybe it’s worth taking one more calculated risk to get that. I’m willing to consider it if we could somehow guarantee your safety.”

  I nod, feeling my eyes burn with unshed tears. “I agree.”

  “We can do this and keep you safe,” Grant promises. “I wouldn’t attempt it otherwise.”

  The fact that they’re finally agreeing with me does nothing to ease the way my body is shaking. With everything Apollo told us and the possibility of seeing my father again, the jitters take me over. They talk more, but then Lucas looks at me and stops.

  “Come on,” he says softly. “This has been a lot to take in. You should rest for a while.”

  I want to protest, but instead I let him pull me up and lead me to the bedroom that I’ve already spent too much time in. But when he eases me down onto the bed, I find my eyes starting to close, and I give in to it. If I’m going to go up against my father, I’ll need all my strength back and more.

  I REACH for my watch on the nightstand, but I know what it’s going to say. Two thirty in the morning. I always wake up at two thirty. That’s my witching hour, the hour when I first heard the piercing shriek of the fire alarm before my father began rushing us outside. There she was, sitting on the front lawn, calm as could be, watching the house and waiting. She was disappointed the fire trucks arrived so quickly because she wanted to watch the flames dance. My mother didn’t seem to care that we were all in our beds asleep when she started the fire. She just wanted to watch it burn.

  I close my eyes, hoping to fall back to sleep the way I normally would, but I know I’m too keyed up for that. Worry for Raielle and for my family, especially Liam, snakes inside me, slithering restlessly with nowhere to go. And the worry is caked with guilt. I feel guilty because I’m relieved to be out of my house and away from the daily grind of watching my mother’s ups and downs, but even more so for lying to Raielle. That decision is sitting like a weight on my chest, making it tough to take a deep breath.

  She agreed to drop the idea of stealing her father’s power from him, but she didn’t drop it. She never stopped thinking about it, and I overheard her bringing it up to Grant, too. I’d already warned him she might. He didn’t like her idea any more than I did. That’s one thing I can count on, the fact that he wants to protect her almost as much as I do. He agreed with me that she was unlikely to let this go, and might even do something stupid like go after him on her own.

  So we came up with a plan, the three of us together, but it was bullshit. It was all for her benefit. Grant knows something has to be done about her father, but he also knows that she shouldn’t be involved. When he gave me a pointed look out on the patio as he was talking about Raielle’s plan, I followed his lead. I knew he was asking me to go along with it, and I knew he had no intention of following through. After she fell asleep, Grant and I discussed another plan, and we decided not to tell her about it until we had to. When she finds out, she’s going to be beyond pissed. She’s going to blow a gasket. But we need her to think we’re all in this together so she’ll cooperate until we’re ready to lift the blinders from her eyes.

  If I thought I could convince her to run away with me I would, but she’s determined to stay and face her father. She’s such a contradiction. She’ll run from her feelings and from emotions that are too strong, but put her in a life-and-death struggle that would have most people heading for the hills, and she refuses to back down. I’m proud of her bravery. I even respect it. But I can’t let her do it. Not this time.

  Running isn’t what I want either. The temptation of getting rid of that bastard is too strong, and the lure of a life together that doesn’t include looking over our shoulders is too appealing to pass up. I want all the darkness out of her life once and for all. If I have to deceive her to make that happen, I will. She’ll forgive me once it’s done.

  I shift restlessly in bed as Grant’s words repeat in my head. Before we were done talking, he admitted to me that he loves her. He said he’d do anything to protect her. It felt like both a warning and a promise. I believe him, and that’s the only reason I’m trusting him.

  Raielle is turned toward the window with her back to me. I can tell by her uneven breathing that she’s not asleep either. We have one more day left before we leave for Los Angeles, one more day for Raielle to get stronger and for Grant to put all the pieces in place. She thinks we’re planning to let her father know we’re coming back, pretend to believe his explanation and apology, and then wait for him to go after her again, to try to steal her power so she can turn it around on him.

  She and Grant had an in-depth discussion about how that would work with Raielle taking hold of her father’s energy just as he’s grasping on to hers. Then Grant told her that he has friends who will let him and me inside without John and his guards knowing. Grant really seems to have her fooled. For a smart girl, she’s too naive for her own good sometimes. She doesn’t think we would deceive her this way or that I’d deceive her at all.

  I’m breaking the trust I worked so hard to gain, a trust I know is tenuous based on how she reacted to finding that girl in my bedroom. But if this works, I’ll have plenty of time to build it back up again. I’ll devote myself to it.

  DURING THE few hours I slept last night, I dreamed that I wasn’t strong enough to take my father’s power from him. So he took mine again, and then he went after Lucas. I startled awake, covered in swe
at, but beside me, Lucas didn’t stir.

  This morning when he got up, I pretended to be sleeping, feeling too shaken to face him. Now I can’t stop thinking about it. My thoughts are racing, trying to find a way to keep him out of this.

  When I finally slip out of bed, I take a long time in the shower, and then I dress slowly. My hands tremble as I button the white cotton blouse Charlie brought. The thought of seeing my father again literally has me shaking, and I fist my hands tightly, hoping Lucas and Grant won’t notice.

  After brushing my hair and pulling it back in a ponytail, I walk out into the main room of the house. Lucas and Grant abruptly stop talking.

  “I hope we didn’t wake you,” Grant says. He looks tense and so does Lucas.

  My eyes shift between them. “What’s wrong?”

  Lucas is sitting on the couch across from Grant. I move to stand beside him, but he surprises me by grabbing my hand and pulling me down onto his lap.

  “Nothing.” He grins. “Want some breakfast?”

  Grant stands and heads into the kitchen.

  “No,” I answer, suspicious at their sudden mood change.

  “Yes, she does,” Lucas calls out to him, ignoring me when I shoot him an annoyed look.

  Grant returns and hands me a bowl of what looks like Fruit Loops. I wrinkle my nose at it. “What is it with guys and sugary breakfast cereals?”

  “It’s about all I know how to cook.” Grant shrugs.

  I frown at him. “Last time I checked, a bowl of cereal didn’t require any cooking.”

  “Which is why I’m so good at it.”

  Grinning at his answer, I will my hand to stay steady as I spoon some into my mouth because they’re both watching and waiting for me to eat it. But my stomach is in knots and my dream lingers. “We need to talk about what happens if there’s a problem tomorrow,” I say, forcing the food down my dry throat.

  “What kind of problem?” Grant asks, and I feel Lucas go still beneath me.

  Glancing at Lucas, I grip my spoon tighter. “I mean, if it doesn’t work. If I can’t do it, do we have a backup plan for that possibility?”