To Have and to Harm

by Debra Doxer

  His mouth turns down. I don’t think he believes me. “Can you tell me what happened?” he asks gently. “I know you started to heal me, but after that, I don’t remember much.”

  When I look away his thumb starts to rub over the top of my hand, and I wonder what to tell him. Once I moved his wound into my body, I didn’t know if I could pass it on to my father. All I knew was that I had to save Lucas, no matter the cost. He said he was sorry as he lay there dying, but I’m the one who’s sorry. I have so many regrets, I still feel choked by them now.

  I look up into his eyes and offer him a bittersweet smile. “I out-monstered the monster.”

  He looks shocked. Then his gaze sharpens on me. “You’re not a monster.”

  I don’t bother correcting him. I have nothing else to say about what occurred in that room last night. I can accept the monster inside me, the one that killed her own father. But I know that same monster has been hurting Lucas, too. I turned his life upside down, and then I nearly got him killed. That’s the monster I can’t accept, and the one I won’t be anymore.

  He sighs at my silence, misunderstanding me. “No, Ray,” he says simply, like it’s an obvious fact that isn’t worth discussing. Then he dips his head to kiss me. It’s a soft, tender brush of my lips. He urges me back down and we hold each other the rest of the morning, dozing in and out of sleep until a knock at the front door wakes us. We hear Grant’s voice.

  Lucas blows out a heavy breath, running his hands through his hair. “We should talk to him,” he says, looking weary but resigned. When I nod, he goes out to let Grant in.

  I pull the covers off to find I have only my underwear on. So I stay in bed as Grant walks into the bedroom, looking pleased to see me. “How are you feeling?” he asks, his eyes scanning over my outline beneath the covers.

  I pull the blanket up a little higher. “I’m fine.”

  He tosses a paper bag at Lucas, who catches it easily and grins at what’s inside. “Thanks,” he tells him as he pulls out our phones and his wallet.

  Grant rubs his jaw, seeming to weigh his next words. “People are starting to gather at the house. They wanted to hear the news for themselves. They want to see you.” He looks at me.

  “People?” Lucas asks.

  “Yes, our people,” he stresses. “Nothing to worry about.”

  “They already know?” I ask.

  “Ken, the bodyguard, went upstairs and started blabbing. He seems to think you did something to John. He believes you traded Lucas’s life for John’s. I told him your story. That it was a heart attack, and that he must be mistaken.”

  Lucas looks at me, and I look away. I can’t discuss the details of what happened in that room. I just can’t. The words would cut too deeply.

  “Do we need to worry about him?” Lucas finally asks.

  Grant shakes his head. “He won’t talk to outsiders. We take care of things ourselves. I cleaned up the room, put John in his bed upstairs, and told Nyla to call an ambulance.”

  My nerves jump at the sound of her name. I’d forgotten about her.

  “They came and took him away. No one suspects anything but natural causes.” Grant grins. “It’s all good.”

  I shake my head at his good cheer and nonchalance. Grant is obviously pleased with the outcome and not trying to pretend otherwise.

  “How is Nyla?” I ask. If anyone is going to miss my father, it’s her.

  Grant’s smile falters. “She’s actually not so good. But she won’t make any trouble.”

  “What about Shane and Apollo?” Lucas asks, and at the sound of Apollo’s name, I tense. I can hardly believe how wrong I was about him. He saved my life, but then he nearly helped to destroy it.

  Grant shrugs. “I’m not sure. They must know something’s up because I can’t get a hold of either of them. Apollo isn’t one of us, and now that John is gone, he has no ties to us. If he’s smart, he’ll go back to his life and take himself out of the picture. And Shane, well, without John behind him, he’s not much of a threat. I wouldn’t worry about him.”

  Grant focuses on me. “I’d like you to come back to the house with me. Meera will be arriving later. She’s anxious to see you.” He steps farther into the room. “Everything is different now, Raielle. You made it different. I want you to know that we’re your friends. We could be your family, too, if you’d let us be.”

  I’m ready to refuse when Lucas speaks up. “Could you give us a minute?” he asks.

  Grant’s gaze travels uncertainly between us before he nods his head. “I’ll be outside.”

  Once he’s gone, I wait for Lucas to say something, figuring he wants to run whatever excuse he’s come up with by me. He comes over to the bed and sits down. “Maybe we should go with him.”

  My eyes nearly bug out of my head. “What?”

  He turns, resting his forearms on his thighs and looking down at the floor. “You can’t just dismiss what he said. You have a gift and—”

  I shake my head, cutting him off. “It’s not a gift.”

  “Yes, it is,” he insists. “The way you would use it, it would be.”

  Leaning forward, I try to see his expression. “Are you saying that you think I should stay here? Go back to that house and pretend like I’m one of them?”

  He looks at me over his shoulder. “I don’t want you to pretend anything. I want you to be true to yourself. Grant told us how difficult it is to be isolated from others who are like you. I already saw you suffering from that when I first met you. You’ve been hiding your whole life. What I’m saying is that I’ll understand if staying here is what you decide to do. I’ll stay with you.”

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “You almost died last night. That’s what this so-called gift did to you.”

  “That was your father. No one else. And he’s not a factor anymore.”

  My head is shaking, and I can’t seem to stop it. After trying to convince me to leave so many times, now he doesn’t want to? “Do you honestly want us to stay here? Please don’t pretend that whatever I decide is completely fine with you. You must have an opinion. Don’t you want us to go to New York together anymore?”

  He pinches the bridge of his nose. When he lowers his hand, he levels determined eyes at me. “Yes. New York is still what I want, but it’s selfish of me to tell you that.”

  “How is that selfish?” He’s the least selfish person I know.

  “Because of who you are. Look at what you can do. You’ve got a destiny that’s bigger than me, and I won’t be the one that you walk away from it for.”

  I find myself staring at him in complete disbelief. My throat is suddenly so clogged with emotion, I can’t find the words to tell him how wrong he is. Pushing the covers off me, I stand and pull on my clothes with angry, jerky movements.

  I can feel Lucas come up beside me. “Look, I just—”

  My hand goes up to halt him. “Go get Grant.” I yank my shirt over my head, and when he doesn’t move, I tell him again.

  Sighing, he leaves, and moments later he returns with Grant in tow. Grant is wearing a tense smile, and I wonder what Lucas said to him.

  Dressed now, I turn to both of them. “I’m not going back to that house again. Ever.”

  Grant nods immediately. “I understand. I don’t blame you. We can find somewhere else to meet.”

  “No. I don’t want to meet anywhere. Lucas and I are leaving.”

  Grant looks like I slapped him. “You can’t leave,” he says as if it’s a crazy notion, instead of the only sane one.

  “Watch us,” I reply, and my eyes shift to Lucas. He’s looking at me, silently questioning me.

  Appearing panicky now, Grant says, “You’ve been through a lot. I know that. Take some time to think about this. Don’t make any rash decisions, because this is too important. This is your legacy, Raielle.”

  His words have the opposite effect of what he intends. They infuriate me. I think of Charlie cutting Lucas with her knife, and of Grant plot
ting to murder my father and involving Lucas. I think of Shane and Apollo with their hate and betrayal.

  “You think this is my legacy?” I ask. “This legacy killed my mother, and yesterday it nearly took away the person I love most in the world. It’s caused me nothing but heartache. This so-called legacy turns my stomach. It’s dark and deceptive and teeming with bad intentions. I may be destined to do something with my power, but getting involved with you people isn’t it.”

  Grant stares at me, gritting his teeth, but Lucas is finally revealing his true feelings. He looks utterly relieved. The grim determination on his face before when he was talking about staying was nothing but bravado. He wants to go even more than I do, but he was willing to put that aside because he thought I needed to be here. It’s just another sacrifice he was going to make for me. But I’m not letting him make any more sacrifices.

  “You need some time,” Grant says, ignoring what I said. “You’ll change your mind.”

  “I won’t be changing my mind. Good-bye, Grant.” My arms cross over my chest, and I don’t so much as blink when his lips flatten into a tight, disapproving line.

  “You will,” he insists. “What you just went through has you running scared. That’s understandable. But when you’re ready to come back, you’ll be welcome.”

  “Good-bye, Grant,” Lucas says.

  Grant’s eyes bore into mine. He doesn’t move.

  “And thanks,” Lucas adds, offering his hand. The gesture amuses me, and Lucas keeps his hand up, waiting, while Grant is still frozen in place.

  After a few more awkward, silent moments, Grant seems to reluctantly deflate. He tears his eyes off me and ignores Lucas’s hand before turning and walking out of the apartment.

  AS I pull the brush through my hair, I hear Lucas turn off the shower in the bathroom. We’re at an inn a few miles outside of Fort Upton. After we both withdrew from school, Lucas decided to buy a new truck and drive us to New York, stopping along the way to do touristy things like hike through Bryce Canyon and see Mount Rushmore. Apparently the truck I loved so much was stolen, but we’ve already made memories in the new truck, and now I don’t miss the old one too badly.

  Before we left, I asked if we could drive down to San Diego to visit my mother’s grave. I’d still never seen it. There was a nervous flutter in my stomach as we drove up the hill to the cemetery. Kyle chose a beautiful spot for her with a view of the ocean in the distance. I nearly laughed at the irony of it. It was nicer than anyplace she’d ever lived, and it was a kind gesture on Kyle’s part for a woman who abandoned him. I was afraid I’d find something closer to a pauper’s grave. But instead, there was a simple headstone with her name and the pertinent dates. When I got emotional standing there, Lucas came up beside me, and I imagined that she could see him, and knew that I had someone in my life who loved me.

  In total, the drive across country took us a little over two weeks. We stayed at motels along the way, and didn’t worry about our route or how little sightseeing we were actually doing, because we spent most of our time in bed together.

  Lucas was right about this trip. He needed it, even more than I did. He’s undergone a subtle change while we’ve been on the road. The tension that once vibrated off him in waves has waned. He smiles more easily now—real, genuine, light-up-his-face smiles—and every time it happens, my chest grows tight at the beauty of it.

  There’s still an undertone of sadness about him. For as long as I’ve known him, it’s been there. I suppose it will never go away, but it doesn’t eat at him the way it once did, and I’m finding that this new lightness of his is contagious. My hope is that he sees a change in me, too. I’m still not great at telling him how I feel. That probably comes from years of not having anyone to talk to. But he seems to know my thoughts anyway. He knows every part of me, and he still loves me.

  The bathroom door opens and he steps out with nothing but the white motel towel wrapped low around his waist. My eyes travel over his tall, muscled frame, and he takes my breath away. We’ve been basically living together since he came to Los Angeles, but I’ll never get used to this. The butterflies in my belly still flutter away when he’s near, and I hungrily crave his touch.

  The muscles in his arm bunch as he reaches up to push the wet hair off his forehead, and his midnight-blue eyes smile at me, caressing me with the love that shines through them.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to call Kyle first?” he asks.

  I shake my head and take a sip of the coffee I went out for earlier. “I’d rather see him in person. A telephone conversation would be too awkward.”

  “How do you know it would be awkward?”

  I put the coffee down. “Because I have no idea what to say to him. For all I know, he doesn’t even want to talk to me.”

  “Ray.” He walks over to me and bends down so we’re at eye level. I can smell soap and the unique, spicy scent that’s just him. “I know you want to see him. And I have a feeling he’s going to be glad to see you.”

  He’s so close and he smells so good that I forget my train of thought. One dark eyebrow arches knowingly at me, and his cocky smirk appears. I have to look away to unscramble my brain.

  “I’ll have to lie to him,” I murmur. “I’ll have to lie to everyone when they ask why I left Fort Upton so suddenly.”

  “So?” He shrugs. “You tell them a story. Then you move on. After everything you’ve been through, this part should be easy.”

  “Are you sure you won’t come with me?” I thrust out my bottom lip in a pout.

  His smile disappears. “I don’t want to see him.”

  Lucas still holds a grudge against Kyle. “You can’t blame him for—”

  “Yes, I can.” He stands abruptly. “I don’t forgive as easily as you do, and I’m okay with that.”

  “But he didn’t know—”

  “He knew enough,” Lucas says in a clipped, harsh tone. Then he lets out a frustrated breath, calming himself down and appearing apologetic. “And he knew it the whole time you lived there. He knows about Alec now, too, and he still sees him like nothing has changed. I understand that you don’t blame Kyle for anything that happened, but I don’t feel the same way.”

  I sigh and go for my coffee again.

  Lucas rubs his hand over his face. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to ruin this for you. Kyle cares about you. I know that. And he was in a tough position, but I can’t help how I feel. Especially when it comes to people who hurt you.”

  I nod with understanding because I’d feel the same way about anyone who hurt him.

  When I stand to finish packing, he takes my hand and turns me to him. “Let’s take another week. We could drive up to Maine. Have you ever been there?”

  I cock my head at him. He knows I’ve never been there. Besides, he’s bluffing, I think. “No.” I smile.

  His brows inch up. “Want to go?”

  I nod, resting my hand on the warm skin over his heart. Its steady thrum beneath my palm reassures me. This has become a habit of mine and Lucas indulges me. He understands.

  I have nightmares sometimes that I touch his chest and there’s no rhythm beneath my hand. When I look up at his face, his eyes are glassy and vacant. Then I startle awake, my own heart pounding, and I shatter in relief when his strong arms pull me close.

  Lucas has bad dreams, too, terrible ones that leave him shaking, covered in sweat, and reaching for me desperately. We don’t talk about our nightmares. We lived them together, and we know what they are. During those quiet, dark hours, we hold each other until the last remnants of our dreams fade. One day, I hope they’ll finally disappear forever.

  “We can’t.” He frowns about extending our road trip, but I already knew that. His family is expecting him today.

  I reach up and run my fingers through his damp hair. He groans, and then he starts to laugh, pulling my hands away. “If you don’t stop, we’re going to be late.” When I turn away, I’ve barely walked a few steps before I feel his
towel whip out and snap me on the butt.

  “Hey!” I whirl around to see his gloriously naked form.

  When he smiles wickedly at me, I know without a doubt that we’re going to be late.

  This is new, the easy way we have with each other. When I think back to when we first met and those heated exchanges, it’s hard to believe how we are now. Lucas was infuriating at the beginning, ignoring me and then convincing me to give him a chance, only to ignore me again. Back then, I couldn’t have imagined ever understanding him so well. But I do. He’s still infuriating sometimes, but now I know how good and brave he is, too, and how his fiery reactions are a result of the passion he feels for the people he loves.

  I’m very lucky to be one of those people.

  WE’RE IN the new truck, parked in front of Kyle’s house. “They’re home,” I say, eyeing both their cars in the driveway.

  “I guess we’re not late enough to have missed them.”

  Alec’s sedan isn’t here, which I also take note of. Running into him is something I’m hoping to avoid while we’re in town. Actually, I’m planning on actively avoiding him.

  I swallow against a sea of emotion churning inside me before glancing over at Myles’s house, and at the place Lucas was standing when I saw him that first night. It’s hard to believe all that’s happened since.

  “Look,” Lucas says, “maybe you should do this tomorrow when I can go with you. I guess I could stomach being in the same room with Kyle for a few hours.”

  Smiling at his offer, I say, “No. I’m okay. I can do this.” Then I pull in a deep breath. “Say hi to Liam for me.”

  “You can tell him yourself when you see him later. Call me when you’re ready to leave. If that’s in the next five minutes, it’s no problem.” He leans over and kisses me.

  Then I turn and jump down out of the truck. Lucas remains there, watching me, as I make my way to the front door. Rather than hesitate on the threshold and prolong the anxiety, I ring the bell the moment it’s within reach. Commotion sounds from inside, and I think I hear Kyle’s voice just before the door swings open. His eyes go wide when they see me, and at the sight of him standing there, my heart seems to stop.