To Have and to Harm
Page 33
Lucas notices my reaction, and he winks at me before saying, “We left the Ouija board and the animal sacrifice in the car. Want me to go get them, babe?”
Their eyes widen, and I elbow Lucas. “He’s joking.” I point toward the chair behind Dominic. “If I could just sit there beside you and hold your hand, that’s all I need.”
“Of course,” Samantha says too brightly, nudging her brother out of the way.
As I make my way to the chair, Dominic holds up his hand. “Wait a minute. I need to know exactly what you’re going to do to my father.”
I try to be reassuring. “I need to get a sense of his illness and what it’s doing to his body. Then I’ll know if there’s anything I can do to help.” I turn to their father. “You might feel kind of a giddy sensation, but that’s all.”
“Give her some room and stop being a jerk,” Samantha says to Dominic. His lips press together before he relents, taking a step back but still staying close, and leaning against the wall behind me.
I notice that Lucas moves beside him, seemingly casual, but his eyes are narrowed and his shoulders are tight, ready to step in if Dominic tries to interrupt or do anything that Lucas perceives as a threat. He’s got my back, like always.
I sit down and smile, trying to put Samantha’s father at ease. Lou Gehrig’s disease is not something I’ve encountered before, and I’m not sure what to expect. I know it’s fatal. I know I hold their hopes in the palm of my hand, or at least Samantha’s hopes. She maneuvers the wheelchair so that it sits directly beside my chair.
“Can I take your hand,” I ask him.
Thomas’s eyes are a dull brown color, and lines of red shoot through the whites. They reveal a hint of fear, but I don’t know of what, me or the possibility of hope.
“Yes,” he says quietly, lifting his hand in my direction.
When I loosely grip his fingers, his skin is cold, and it feels paper thin in my hand. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, releasing the hold I have on my energy. It sparks immediately, growing quickly, swirling inside me. It recognizes something in Thomas and reaches out to him. I let it go, no longer restraining it, and feel my stomach dip as the energy flows into him. It doesn’t take long for understanding to seep back toward me. The disease is in his nervous system and it’s moving slowly, like a shallow wave lapping at the nerve cells inside him, doggedly carving away at them.
I breathe out slowly, knowing that I can stop the disease from progressing any further, but not sure if I can repair the damage that’s already been done. Thomas gasps, and my eyes open. In my peripheral vision, I can see Lucas urging a tense Dominic to stay back. But my attention is on Thomas. His eyes flutter closed and a subtle smile appears on his face. It’s not too difficult, extinguishing the momentum of the disease. But there are strands of damaged nerves that are resisting me, and I push harder, trying to fix them. Behind me, Samantha whispers, “Oh, my God,” as the room grows brighter.
The nerves that have experienced the most recent damage seem to be responding. I pass through those one by one, but the older damage that began at the start of his decline, I can’t seem to fix. There’s nothing I can do there. I close my eyes again and begin to bring the energy back to me. The light fades, and I settle back into the chair, releasing his hand.
My eyes open and go directly to Lucas, who’s apprehensive, but smiling warmly at me. I give him a nod before looking back at Thomas. In an instant, Samantha is on her knees in front of her father.
“Is that it?” she asks me. Before I can answer, she’s lifting her father’s hands. “Dad? Are you okay?”
He stares at her, only blinking, but still smiling. The smile on his face never went away. “I think…” He hesitates.
Dominic steps forward. “You think what?”
Thomas’s smile grows as his gaze moves to me. “I think I am.” He laughs, still giddy from the healing. Then he raises his right arm easily with no hesitation, and the left arm moves, too. His children stare at him, shock apparent on their faces. But when he looks down and tries to move his legs, they only shift slightly.
“There are some nerves that I couldn’t repair,” I explain. “I’m not sure you’ll ever regain strength in your legs. But the disease is gone. It won’t do any more damage.”
Samantha covers her mouth, and she starts to cry.
Dominic has no reaction, standing there quietly watching his father.
Thomas is quiet, too, though his eyes are wide as his attention shifts between me and the limbs that are within his control again. Even his head seems steadier on his shoulders as he purposely cranes his neck, testing his mobility. When he touches the top of his head with his fingers, he laughs in disbelief at that accomplishment.
Samantha bends down to wrap her arms around him, and she begins to sob.
My own eyes water as I push myself up from the chair. Lucas comes to stand beside me.
“He’s cured?” Dominic asks, seeming unwilling to accept it. “This thing won’t kill him now?”
“No, it won’t,” I reply. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more, though.”
“You’re sorry?” Dominic exclaims, rearing back in disbelief at my words, then looks again at his father.
“Thank you so much,” Samantha whispers, her voice thick with emotion.
Thomas’s arms go around his daughter. When he meets his son’s wide gaze, Dominic’s mouth is tight and he says, “We should make you an appointment while we’re here. I need a doctor to tell me it’s really gone.”
Lucas shifts uncomfortably beside me. Then he clears his throat to get their attention. “You can’t tell anyone what just happened here. I don’t know how you’re going to explain this, but the truth isn’t an option. You could be putting Raielle at risk if you say anything, and that would be a really shitty way to pay her back.”
I give him a sharp look before turning back to them. “I’m sorry for his bluntness, but he’s right. You can’t tell his doctor or anyone else about this.”
Samantha brushes away her tears and takes a step toward us. “It’s obvious that…you’ve been through something. But you don’t have to worry. I told Lucas on the phone, and I’m telling you now. We won’t say a word. You have my promise.”
“We’ll keep your secret,” Dominic agrees. “But what if…” He breaks off, his gaze shifting between Lucas and me. “What if I know someone else who could use your help?”
Beside me, Lucas sighs heavily and gives me a wary look. I can’t help asking Dominic the obvious question. “You have someone in mind?”
He nods.
Lucas’s eyes close, and they stay that way for a beat before opening again.
I didn’t think past this one time, but I should have. “I’ll have to think about it,” I reply, but it’s hard to imagine turning him down.
Dominic looks at Lucas when he nods his understanding.
“I should get Ray home now,” Lucas says.
Samantha and Thomas want to hug me and thank me again, and as usual, this makes me uncomfortable. I still don’t like this part, the gratitude, the overwhelming smothering gratitude for doing something I know I should be doing so much more of. I should be helping as many people as I can, not selfishly hiding myself away.
After we finally manage to break free, we’re making our way out of the hospital when Lucas says, “That looked like an easy one. Did it tire you out at all?”
I’m shaking my head, thinking I feel the exact opposite of tired, when his phone rings and he answers, assuring Liam that we’re fine.
On the way home, we stop at a deli to grab some dinner. We’re quiet as we sit across from each other. My leg is bouncing beneath the table, and my skin is still tingling. Lucas notices my restlessness, but he doesn’t comment. He seems tense and solemn, and I’m too lost in my own thoughts to ask him what’s going on in his head just yet. Besides, I know what he’s thinking, and I’m pretty sure he knows what I’m thinking.
When we get back to the apartment, I s
hrug off my coat, ready for him to dive right in and try to persuade me to his point of view, which is probably that exposing my power to more people could be dangerous. But I hardly have time to prepare myself when he stalks toward me and says, “Not yet.”
My argument stalls in my throat as he wraps his arms around me and presses his mouth to mine. Our tongues brush against each other. I feel his hands wander. My need for him takes over, and soon we’re pulling each other’s clothes off while we stumble toward the bedroom.
He has me stripped first, and I lie down on the bed, watching him as he finishes undressing. Then he stands there looking at me while his eyes darken with desire. When he walks toward the bed, gone is the urgency he showed before. He moves over me slowly, placing his arms on either side of my head and dipping down to kiss my lips before moving down to my neck. Next he pays attention to my breasts, before going lower. After that, I’m lost to him.
Lucas knows how to play my body, just like he said, and build it into a frenzy of want. He uses his tongue and then his fingers. Next he makes me talk to him. He needs to hear how much I want him. Once I tell him, he grips my wrists, pushes my arms over my head and slides inside me. Then he teases me, bringing us to the edge, only to pull back, stilling himself above me. He does it again and again until I’m writhing beneath him, begging him to satisfy me. When he does, we climax together, and he bites out my name like it hurts for him to say it. But as his breathing slows, he whispers my name again like he’s savoring the sound of it.
Later, with our limbs tangled in the sheets, his expression is tender as he traces a finger down my cheek. “Been a while,” he says. “We needed that.”
I laugh, and his brow quirks up. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours, but I know what he means. I miss him and want him constantly, too.
“What?” he asks.
He’s leaning over me, and my fingers wander over the bunched muscles of his shoulder. “Want to talk now?”
He sighs heavily and drops down onto his back. “When you start school, we’re going to have even less time together.”
I push up and look down into his eyes, which are starting to turn stormy. “Is it really my time management skills you’re worried about?”
His gaze tilts up to the ceiling as his hand scrapes over his cheek. “You’ve been hurt so many times. The possibilities for how this could go bad are too many to list.”
I rest my head on his shoulder as he wraps his arm around me, pulling me against him. This is the place where I feel safest and most content, in our bed with him holding me. We’ve had an incredible and disaster-free few months. Do I really want to risk this?
When we first got here, we did all the touristy things Lucas promised we’d do in the city. It was unbelievably romantic when he kissed me at the top of the Empire State Building. Then we celebrated his birthday on a snowy winter night. It was low-key, just dinner out and some quality time at home. That’s all he wanted. It was simple and beautiful. Then I gave him his present, tickets to the Yankees home opener in April. I spent more than a few paychecks on them. His reaction took my breath away. He was so excited, like a little kid, picking me up and spinning me around the room. I loved seeing him that way.
Now our lives have fallen into a hectic routine, becoming what I imagine is normal for most people. We see less of each other, but when we do come together, it’s desperately perfect. And now I’m throwing a wrench into it…again. But as happy as we’ve been, I put aside a big part of myself. I’ve tried not to let Lucas see that my happiness has a small dent in the middle of it, but he knows me too well. He must sense it.
“I’ll be honest,” he says. “I trust them. Samantha and her family.” His fingers absently brush over my arm. “She’s a nurse and they’re both cops. They’re good people. I’ve been thinking about the way you met her that day. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, because I don’t generally buy into this shit, but maybe it was fate.”
My lips curl up. “That occurred to me, too,” I say. Just like sometimes I think my meeting Lucas was fate, but I’ve never told him that. There’s too much pain behind the events that put me in his path. I guess fate has been both cruel and kind to us.
He kisses the top of my head. “I’d like to keep you all to myself, protected inside a bubble. But I know you need this. I’m not sure you can live without it, not happily at least. We’ll just be careful. We’ll find a way for you to do what you’re meant to and still stay safe.”
Wanting to see his expression, I lean up on my elbow, and he turns to face me. The dark blue of his eyes reminds me of the ocean tonight, pouring out so many emotions—hope, fear, and bittersweet acceptance. But beneath it all is love.
“You deserve to be happy, Ray.”
My gaze locks on his. “You deserve that, too. You deserve everything.”
Before I met Lucas, happiness was unfamiliar, and dreams were a luxury I could never afford. But the moment we came together, it all changed. He makes me want to dream now. Then he makes my dreams come true.
I let my gaze trail down from his eyes, over the curve of his strong chin, down to the smooth planes of his chest. My hand reaches out to trace the ridges of his stomach before shifting up over the warm skin above his heart. The rhythm I feel beneath my palm reaches out to someplace deep inside me, a once hollow spot that he fills completely.
I shift on top of him, stretching myself over the length of him so that each part of my body is touching a part of his. Lucas smiles at me as I reach up to smooth a hand over his hair. I feel his thigh muscles flex beneath me. His chest expands as he pulls in a breath, and he starts to want me again. I can feel his every movement. I know his thoughts, and I know his body.
He’s mine.
He’s my home.
Thank you for reading To Have and to Harm.
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Copyright © 2014 by Debra Doxer
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Table of Contents
Title Page
Other Books by Debra Doxer
Dedication
Quote
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
> Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Thank You
Copyright Notice
About the Book Designer