One Secret Summer

by Lesley Lokko

  ‘So if the problem’s not with me …’ she’d said hesitantly. ‘You’re saying there may be a problem with my husband?’

  ‘It’s possible. He’ll need to come in for us to run a few tests. You can make an appointment with my secretary. I’m fairly sure we can fit him in reasonably quickly.’ Julia said nothing. Her heart sank. She and Aaron had had one conversation – just one – about the issue and she’d never dared bring it up again. ‘There’s nothing wrong with me,’ he’d said coldly, putting down his paper and glaring at her with such hostility that she regretted opening her mouth.

  ‘Of course there isn’t,’ she’d hastened to assure him. ‘But there might be something the matter with me. It’s always better to check these things out. It might be something really simple.’

  ‘Yeah, well, if you feel like having someone prod about inside you, fine. I don’t. And I don’t want to discuss it either.’ And that was that. She hadn’t dared bring it up again.

  ‘Is there something the matter?’ the doctor asked kindly, noticing her silence.

  ‘It’s just … I don’t know … my husband’s a little … er, reluctant.’

  The doctor regarded her thoughtfully. ‘Infertility’s a difficult thing for many men to accept, quite frankly. People – especially men – tend to think of it as primarily a woman’s problem; completely erroneously, of course. But you’ve done the right thing and had yourself checked out – now your husband needs to come in. That way we can get to the cause of the problem and see what sort of help we can offer. We can’t do that until we know what’s wrong.’

  Julia was silent. She had the sinking feeling that this was going to be harder than she thought. ‘I’ll … I’ll try,’ she said, sliding down from the examination table. ‘But he’s pretty set against the whole thing.’

  ‘Once he hears there’s nothing wrong with you, he’ll change his mind. Trust me, I’ve seen it many times before.’

  ‘I hope so,’ Julia said, pulling on her coat. ‘I really hope so.’

  Now, walking down the escalators towards the Tube, she was again assailed by doubt. Perhaps she should wait until they’d gone on holiday to bring it up. He’d be more relaxed then. He was under a lot of pressure at work – something to do with the taxation and corporation section having lost a few cases recently … nothing to do with Aaron personally, or so it seemed, but the pressure was on nonetheless. Not for the first time, Julia was glad of the relative anonymity of her department. After her trip, she’d been thinking long and hard about where her future might lie – did she want to continue where she was, or was she brave enough to make a break? It didn’t seem the right time to bring it up with Aaron … plus there was the awkward little detail that she’d said nothing about meeting Josh in Johannesburg. She couldn’t explain why she hadn’t mentioned it – there just didn’t seem to be a right moment, that was all. And it wasn’t as if anything had happened – well, that depended on how you defined it, she thought to herself wryly. No, they’d barely talked; he’d made no move to touch her, nor she him … aside from the strange invitation to come along to Braamfontein that night, it was almost as if they hadn’t met. So why hadn’t she mentioned it to Aaron? And why, if nothing had happened, did she feel as guilty as if it had?

  78

  ‘Julia?’ Aaron’s voice floated up the stairwell. ‘Come on … where the hell are you?’

  ‘Coming,’ Julia shouted back. She took one last look around her, picked up her small suitcase and shut the bedroom door. ‘Sorry,’ she said as she walked down the stairs, the suitcase banging awkwardly against her legs. ‘I forgot something.’

  ‘Christ, anyone’d think we were going for a month,’ Aaron grumbled, locking the front door behind them. ‘We’re late.’

  ‘No, we’re not. There’s loads of time. Train’s not until one o’clock … we’ve got hours yet.’

  ‘You know I hate being late.’ Aaron stowed the cases in the boot of the rented car.

  Julia sighed but said nothing. The last thing she wanted or felt like was an argument before they’d even begun the journey down to Mougins. She was looking forward to it; would Josh be there? She’d been unable to ask Diana directly, and Maddy didn’t seem to know, or care. She’d been forced to miss an audition for a part in a play because of the birthday party – when she rang Julia the week before, she’d been in tears. Rafe wouldn’t hear of her missing the party; she had no option but to turn the part down. Poor Maddy, Julia thought to herself, unable to come up with anything even remotely comforting to say. The thought of not being able to do exactly what she wanted, when she wanted and how she wanted was so alien to her that she didn’t even know where to begin. What could she say? Nothing, it seemed. Maddy’s life was so different from her own that she had difficulty imagining her pain.

  Sitting stiffly beside Rafe on the long journey down to Mougins, Maddy was no longer tearful; she was seething. Stef had just looked blankly at her when she’d mumbled something about not being available. ‘Not available? It’s potentially a really good role, Maddy. I’ve a feeling Chris Meyerson’ll really like you.’

  ‘I’m really, really sorry … I’m going to be away on holiday for those two weeks. Is there … is there any chance I could audition before the second? Or after?’

  Stef shook her head. ‘He’s flying in from New York on the Friday and auditions begin on Saturday morning. I’ll show him your tape, but … you know how it is. There’ll be hundreds of actresses lining up to see him. Shame … he’s a great director and it’d be a fantastic opportunity to meet him, even if you don’t get the part. You’re sure you can’t change your holiday dates?’

  Maddy shook her head glumly. She and Rafe had already had one of the biggest rows of their marriage over the issue. ‘No,’ she said sadly. ‘I can’t.’

  And that was that. She’d left Stef’s office in tears. A few hours later Stef rang to say the part had gone to someone else. So now here she was, sitting in the car beside her husband, whom she hadn’t talked to for well over two hours, having driven almost the whole day to get to Lyon with another day’s drive ahead of them. Darcy was thankfully fast asleep on the back seat. Maddy turned her head to look out of the window at the kaleidoscope of green and yellow fields, tall, unwavering lines of poplar trees, creamy brick farmhouses and narrow country lanes that was the French countryside, but saw nothing other than the dark chasm of her future. Just when things had started looking up – that was the irony of it all. How would she ever get her career off the ground when the obligations of the Keeler family always came first?

  Josh and Niela left at dawn. They would spend a night in Paris with Antonio and then do the Paris–Cannes leg of the journey in one go. Niela was quiet on the drive down through France, content to look out of the window at the countryside sliding past. The further south they went, the sunnier and more Mediterranean the landscape became. Lyon, Montelimar, Aix-en-Provence, Vidauban and finally Cannes. There was heavy traffic heading out of the city. As they stopped at a set of lights, bursts of conversation from other cars came through the open window; she was dimly aware of swaying palm trees, the whiff of a bakery against the carbon monoxide, shop signs and the rat-tat-tat of small motor-scooters darting in and out of the traffic lanes. The hills were dark green and shady; the air was cooler, fresher. Mougins sat perched on top of a hillside, its medieval walls still visible for miles around. They wound their way towards the top in a series of never-ending bends until they came to a small junction. Josh turned right into the olive groves, and they bumped their way gently down a single-lane gravel track until they reached a white gate and he turned to her. ‘Well, this is it,’ he said wryly, the corner of his mouth lifting in a mocking smile. ‘Home, I suppose.’

  79

  DIANA

  Mougins, June 2000

  Diana watched the small white car make its way slowly down the gravel path. Her face broke into a smile as the door opened and Niela got out. Josh. Josh was here. At last. He and Niela were the las
t of the family members to arrive. She leaned out of the open window, resting her arms on the sill, and resisted the temptation to call down to him. He was so handsome, she thought to herself, watching him take the cases out of the boot and lock the doors. So very handsome. And kind, too. She saw how he took the case from Niela, shaking his head at her very slightly as she went to pick it up. He said something to her and they both laughed. There was an ease between them that she hadn’t seen before. How would she? she thought to herself suddenly. She rarely saw them, and certainly not together. The pattern over the past couple of years had been dinner with Josh whenever he was in town, which was seldom, and twice, perhaps three times in as many years, the two of them had come for lunch. She knew so little about the girl – from the few conversations she’d had with her, it was clear she was no ordinary refugee. She thought back to the first time they’d met – Christmas Day, three and a half years earlier. She’d been unable to handle the news that the last of her sons had gone ahead and made what was potentially the most important decision of his life without telling her – not even a hint of a warning. He’d just shown up that day with Niela in tow. Mother, this is Niela. My wife. She could feel the pain of those words as if it were yesterday. She’d been so afraid … Who was she? What was she, other than some girl he’d picked up somewhere on his travels? What sort of a person had he brought into their home? Well, she’d been wrong, she’d been forced to admit. Niela wasn’t what she’d feared – the contrary, in fact. But she still was none the wiser about who she really was. She knew the facts – Niela was an interpreter; she’d done a part-time degree at one of the London colleges; she spoke three or four languages. She had fled Somalia with her family, with whom she seemed to have little or no contact … but beyond that, the girl was a complete mystery. What irked Diana was her quiet self-possession. On the few occasions she and Josh had been invited to the house, she’d made it clear that the weapons Diana had assembled – the tasteful house, the good food, good wines, the family photographs and the anecdotes – meant little to her. She was not impressed. She had a way of holding her head slightly to one side, not arrogantly – she was far too polite for that – but in a manner that let Diana know she was no pushover. She too came from a home in which good food was served, there was fine linen on the table and framed pictures on the walls. Well, Diana thought to herself as she pulled the window up and prepared to go downstairs, they would be here for a week – during which she might learn more about the girl who seemed to have captured Josh’s heart.

  80

  NIELA/JULIA/MADDY

  Mougins, June 2000

  Diana came towards them, arms outstretched. She was wearing white; a long, sheer kaftan over wide-legged trousers. Her toenails were painted dark ruby-red and she wore a floppy straw hat over her pale, lightly made-up face. She kissed Josh and then it was Niela’s turn. A brief, light touch on either cheek … the faint trace of her perfume left behind, a smile of welcome fixed firmly on her face. Enquiries were made – how was the drive down? The overnight stay in Paris … had they eaten? A glass of wine or pastis, perhaps?

  ‘You’re in your old room, at the top of the stairs,’ Diana called out as they began to take their bags upstairs. ‘I’ve put Aaron and Julia on the floor below. Just put your bags away and come and join us. Dad’s on the patio. The … er, others are at the pool.’

  Niela followed Josh up the second flight of stairs to the landing at the top. He pushed open the door and she stepped inside. A beautiful room; a low ceiling, exposed wooden beams, a gleaming polished floor and rich patterned rugs. The bed was wide and low with a pretty white lace coverlet. A bowl of freshly picked flowers stood on the dresser, slowly releasing their perfume into the air. Niela walked into the room as if into a dream. It was cool at the top of the house. The shuttered windows opened on to a view that went on for ever – right across the valley to the dark green forest beyond. She gave a sigh of pure pleasure. ‘It’s lovely,’ she said, going over to the bed and sitting down. ‘You didn’t tell me how beautiful it was.’ Josh paused in the act of opening one of the suitcases. His expression was wary. She realised immediately what she’d said and what it was he couldn’t. She got up and went to stand beside him, laying a hand on his arm. They stood like that for a moment, neither saying anything. Then he touched her lightly on the cheek and went out of the room. It would take more than a tiny caress to bring him back to himself, but she could see, even if he couldn’t, that the mere fact that they’d come was in itself a sign of sorts. A good one, she hoped.

  She walked to the window and leaned out. The garden was full of colour: thick flashes of pink, blushing roses, climbing their way across the yellowed stone wall and exploding in a riot of petals at the top; dark olive trees, their hard fruit not yet ripened by the sun, and overhead, the brilliantly blue sky now fading towards dusk with hardly a wisp of a cloud in sight. She could hear someone coming up the garden path. She leaned out a little further. It was Maddy, her red hair bobbing in and out of view as she walked. Rafe swam into view, holding their little girl by the hand, then Aaron and finally Julia. She watched them cross the forecourt to the house, their feet crunching loudly on the gravel. They looked happy, she thought to herself. Julia’s face was pink; she wore a pretty light blue sundress and flip-flops. Maddy was wearing a bikini top and a sarong tied loosely around her waist. As she passed underneath, Niela was surprised to see how thin she was. Had she always been that thin? She couldn’t remember. She pulled herself back in and closed the window. She wondered where Josh had gone. She could hear voices downstairs. It was time to go down and join the gang.

  She really was the most exquisite creature, Maddy thought to herself as Niela came into the kitchen. She wore a dark green summer dress that fell to just below the knee. Her dark, beautifully burnished skin shone against its rich colour and her hair was loose, falling in great swathes of black almost down to the small of her back. It had been nearly two years since she’d seen her, she realised. There was something different about her – she’d lost that slightly wary, defensive air she’d had about her when they first met. Now the young woman who kissed each of them in turn was coolly self-possessed, totally relaxed and open. Maddy wished she too could be like that; Niela looked as though nothing could touch her, least of all Diana and her small, stinging barbs. She stole a look around her on the patio – finally, and for the first time in years, the entire family was gathered. Aaron and Rafe stood together at one end, glasses in hand. Diana was moving back and forth between the kitchen and the patio, bringing more wine, more delicious snacks that the housekeeper had prepared, a glass of juice for Darcy, who, for once, was sitting quietly next to Harvey, swinging her legs and behaving herself. Niela and Josh stood together; Maddy looked at them from behind her wine glass. They were the most extraordinary couple – for all their differences, they were uncannily alike. Both had the same sleek, taut beauty and a quiet watchfulness … like cats. But not the domestic variety. Big cats. Game. The thought suddenly made her smile. She stopped, aware of Rafe’s questioning glance on her. But it was true. They resembled nothing so much as a pair of beautiful panthers. Suddenly, impulsively, she moved to stand next to Niela. She ignored Josh’s questioning glance and smiled at her. She was rewarded with an open, friendly smile in return.

  ‘Did you have a good journey down?’ she asked, emboldened by the smile.

  Niela nodded. ‘We stayed overnight in Paris but it’s a long drive. And you?’

  Maddy looked across to where Darcy was chattering to Harvey. She shrugged. ‘Well, with a three-year-old in tow … you know how it is,’ she began, then stopped. How would Niela know? She and Josh had no children. But to her complete surprise, Niela agreed. Within minutes, she began talking about her younger brothers and the long car journeys they’d made back in Somalia. Maddy was taken aback. She’d expected the conversation to be hard work – it was anything but. Niela had a light, generous sense of humour and a ready smile. She was so different from the girl she�
��d met on previous occasions – had she totally misjudged her? After a few minutes, Julia came over; Josh was claimed by Diana, leaving the three of them to chat alone. Outside, across the valley, the sky flickered eyelids of lightning somewhere in the distance; a summer storm was on its way. The large lanterns that stood at the edge of the patio had been lit; golden candlelight danced around in the breeze. Suddenly, from somewhere in the deepening twilight, a sound emerged, breaking into their conversations.

  ‘Listen,’ Harvey murmured, putting up a hand. ‘It’s the nightingales.’ All around them a piercing sweet ringing was just audible. They all stopped talking and stared out into the fading light.

  ‘Nightingales?’ Maddy asked, a note of wonder in her voice. ‘I’ve never heard a nightingale before.’

  ‘Every summer. Once or twice they’ve gone on all night. It’s the most ravishing sound. Wait, wait.’ Harvey’s head was cocked. The song intensified, warbling around them. It rose, dizzyingly, higher and higher … a ring of waves whose centre couldn’t be reached. They all stood there; no one spoke. The song tipped and sailed, twirled upwards, again and again. And then, just as slowly as it had started, it began to lose its pitch, dying away as the bird – or birds? – moved on, flew off and the garden slowly returned to its purple-fading-to-black silence. It took a while for them to start speaking again. Maddy felt herself inexplicably close to tears. There was something extraordinary about Mougins, she thought to herself, and not for the first time, either. It wasn’t just the beauty all around them – there was something else in the air … an intensity of emotion that drew her in and seduced her, but frightened her at the same time. She found herself standing a little closer to Niela, as though the quiet strength she detected in her might rub off on her. She looked over to where Diana stood with Josh. They were talking quietly, Diana’s dark head tilted upwards to meet her son’s. She was gazing at him, frowning in concentration at something he said. She glanced at Maddy, and for a second or two, their eyes met and held. A line suddenly came back to Maddy, though she couldn’t have said where from. ‘His was less a face than the expression of a predicament.’ Such was Diana’s face, though the predicament couldn’t clearly be read. Diana’s glance fell away and the moment was gone. Maddy turned back to Julia and Niela. Julia was making plans for the following afternoon. ‘Let’s all go, just us,’ she was saying. ‘You can leave Darcy with Rafe, can’t you?’