The phone stopped ringing. “I didn’t chase down Agnes and Steve.”
“The movie stars? Were you supposed to?”
“I got a certain scoop when I was talking to that model Dominic, which I did not pass along to Simon, but he found out yesterday that I might have had that scoop and now he is pissed that I didn’t use it.”
Ron raised his eyebrows. “I’ve never been more lost. Try that again?”
My phone signaled a voice mail and I said, “Want to hear it from the horse’s mouth, so to speak?”
“The horrible horse? Sure.”
I pulled my earphones from my purse, and we each took one half and I plugged them in and got the message playing as it occurred to me that letting Ron listen to Simon’s message before I knew what was in it was maybe not a good idea.
“Hey, Red, stop ignoring me. I know you saw my email yesterday, and I know you know you’re an idiot. Why didn’t you put that ‘Dominic is with Agnes or Steve’ thing in your article? He told you about the movie so I’m sure he slipped up and told you that too, but now some jackass on the movie set gave that scoop to Peter the asshole. Should have been our scoop. I see two options, Red: either you didn’t get the scoop from Dominic which means you suck as a reporter, or you did and didn’t share it which also means you suck as a reporter. Either way, you suck.” He gave a revolting laugh. “Well, you don’t. But you know what I mean. Quit being stupid. If you can. Get it together, or you’re done.”
I deleted the message, feeling sick. Definitely not a good idea. “Sorry, shouldn’t have made you hear that.”
He didn’t speak, so I looked up, and the rage in his face told me he did truly care about me. “That guy is such an...”
He stopped, lost for words, and I said, “Yeah, he is. Whatever you were gonna say, he is. But if I want into this career, I have to do it his way. And I do. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been remotely good at.”
Ron’s hand hit the table. “Hell with that. You’re good at a million things. At least. And obviously you’re more than ‘remotely good’ at this or a model who gets interviewed every damn day wouldn’t have given you that scoop. He didn’t slip up, he meant to do it.”
I nodded, taken aback by his passion but also loving it. “He didn’t tell me which one of them it is, Agnes or Steve, but it’s one of them. And yeah, he meant to. And he told me about the movie when I made it clear I wasn’t going to post about his love life.”
“See?” Ron leaned back in his chair. “Guy trusts you because you were honest with him. That is what you’re good at. Opening people up and letting people in.”
“Except once.”
He sighed. “Yeah. Except once.”
We sat silent, and I knew we were both wishing things were otherwise.
“Well,” he said eventually. “Ready to go?”
I nodded, since we’d paid the bill ages ago, and we headed out into the cool spring night and walked to my car, closer than his, in silence. Once we got there, before I could figure out how to say goodbye, he caught hold of my shoulders and pulled me into his arms.
Oh, it felt good. I’d forgotten how great it felt to be held by him, probably because I’d been afraid I’d never feel it again. But now I locked my arms around his waist and held on like he was the only thing keeping me alive.
And he held me the same way.
Then, far too soon, he pulled away and hurried off toward his car.
I stood watching him go, willing him to look back.
He didn’t.
Chapter Forty-Two
“Thanks for meeting me again.”
Kent nodded, but said, “I’m not sure why you wanted to.”
I was sure, but I didn’t know how to say it. In the week since we’d last talked, I’d been thinking through every detail of what had happened between us, and between me and everyone else, and I’d been steadily becoming surer that I had to do something about it all. An awkward friendship with Ron that we both wanted to have be more, a coldness between Kent and me that I hated, and no contact at all with Liv and MC? I didn’t want to live my life like this. I had to fix it.
And it all seemed to start with Kent. It was our relationship that had let me find out about his wedding details in the first place, and it was our relationship that I’d fractured the most by breaking his trust.
And not just by telling Simon either. As I’d thought about it I’d realized it went back further than that.
I took a sip of my coffee then set it down and said, “I think we really need to talk.”
He leaned back in his chair. “We did talk. Last Tuesday.”
I shook my head. “We didn’t. I told you stuff and you listened. But we need to talk about things.” I knew this like I knew my own name. The secrets I’d kept from him were in the way of us getting over everything and they had to be gone.
Kent folded his arms. “Okay, fine. Tell me why you told about my wedding.”
“I did that already. But I didn’t tell you why we got divorced.”
He lowered his arms. “Because we weren’t good together.”
I looked into his eyes. “That’s not true. And you know it. We had problems, yes. And I don’t know if we could have overcome them. But we were too good together. We were.”
A faint spark snapped between us. Not anything either of us would pursue, but it was there. It had always been there.
“We were good,” he said softly. “I know. But that’s over--”
“I know,” I blurted out, not wanting him to get the wrong idea. “And I’m not at all saying it should... no. I’m not saying that. It is over. And that’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“Then what are you saying?”
There was no edge in his voice, no anger, only curiosity, and I took comfort from that. “I’m saying something I should have said ages ago.” I pulled in then sighed out a deep breath. “That day I came home and said we should split up? I didn’t mean it. I wanted you to fight for me, to rage and stomp around and say you couldn’t live without me.”
He started to speak but I kept going. “And I know that none of that is you, and that I should have told you how I really felt. Which was that I loved you and I wanted us to figure it out.” I sighed again. “I didn’t mean to say anything at all, that day. I came home and just started talking. As I do.”
“I’m familiar with your work,” he said, with a faint smile.
I returned the smile, with about the same level of intensity. “I know you are. And I said all that stuff and then you said... well, you said we were over then, and I thought you must be right because you’re smarter than me, and--”
“I am not.”
I didn’t bother responding to this. “And so we split up. And now you have MC and I know she’s right for you in a way I never was.” A thought appeared in my head, and though it hurt I said it out loud. “And, maybe I did, a little, unconsciously, tell Simon about the wedding because I couldn’t have you and I didn’t like that MC could. I swear to you I didn’t do it intentionally. I truly did think I was protecting you guys. And advancing my career, I guess, but really it was about the protecting. But on some level maybe I--” Kent’s shaking his head cut me off. “What?”
“Summer, you don’t have another level. Not like that.”
I wanted to make a joke and say, “You calling me shallow?” but his serious expression meant I couldn’t. Instead, I said, “What do you mean?”
He shook his head again. “I never believed you’d tried to sabotage the wedding because of me, wanting me. Not really. Not even when it looked exactly like that. Because that’s not your style. You’d have walked up and told me you wanted me back before you did that. Wouldn’t you? If you had really wanted me back, you wouldn’t have danced around and tried some stupid plan. You’d have told me. Right?”
I nodded, slowly at first then with more energy. He was right. It might have looked like I was sabotaging them for personal reasons but appearances in this case were decei
ving. And when I’d thought Ron was saying Kent and MC were divorcing I’d been horrified, without even a hint of pleasure that he’d be a free agent and I could maybe get him back. I really didn’t want him like that any longer. As a friend, definitely. But nothing more.
“I knew that.” He paused, swallowed, then went on. “And so did Ron. He gets you, you know. And you guys are... together?”
I shook my head. “We might have been. We nearly were, the night of your wedding rehearsal. But now... it’s too complicated. With your parents, and MC and Liv hating me, and you...” I shrugged.
“We’re okay, Summer,” he said softly. “You and me.”
My throat tightened. “Really?”
He nodded. “We might not be exactly the same, but we’re okay. And actually, maybe that’s better.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“Well, you didn’t tell me you didn’t actually want to split up, and I didn’t tell you I didn’t either.”
No, he hadn’t.
I waited, knowing more was coming.
He nodded. “I thought, right from the start, that I’d eventually not be enough for you. Not exciting enough. And then you started calling me your ‘shy guy’, and--”
I winced. “I know. That was obnoxious.”
“A bit,” he said, with a small smile, “but also accurate. If I’d met you before MC, everything might have been different. But I was used to her and I didn’t know how to be with you. And I don’t know if I tried hard enough to change that.”
His honesty hurt, but it made me feel cleaner somehow at the same time. We’d both handled our marriage wrong. It wasn’t all my fault. I had hidden how I really felt, and so had he. But I hadn’t hidden anything with Ron, not since the wedding disaster. So maybe Ron and I could make it work where Kent and I hadn’t been able to.
“Well, now you’re with her again,” I said softly. “And you know what? I’m glad.”
Kent blinked fast, but not before I saw tears in his eyes. “Thank you,” he said. “I know you mean it, and thank you. And you should know that I don’t regret marrying you. Not even a little bit.”
My turn to tear up. “Me either. I don’t regret anything about us.”
Our eyes met, and I knew we were both thinking about our wedding night.
“Same here,” he said. “It didn’t last forever, but I’m glad it happened. And I’m glad I still know you.”
“Me too.”
Though we’d been divorced for two years now, for the first time I really felt we’d ended our marriage.
After a long but peaceful pause, I said, “So, what happens now? What should I do?”
He sighed. “I don’t know. Liv and MC... they’re sort of egging each other on, if that makes sense. Not quite that, but like that. Neither of them can be the first one to forgive you, and so they can’t get there. Oh, and for the record, I told them both I was seeing you and that I’d tell you how things stood with them if you asked. I meant it before, I won’t have any lies between me and MC, and Liv is a part of that too.”
I nodded. “Were they mad?”
“Hard to say,” he said wryly, “when neither of them would respond.”
“Yeah, it would be.” I shook my head. “I get why they’re so angry, Kent. I do. They should have had an awesome friendship-bonding moment on your wedding day, and instead MC lost all the privacy she cares about and they had to clean up the disaster I made and left for them.”
“Yeah, but you had to leave,” Kent said. “I told you to leave.”
I nodded, but I was thinking about privacy. A glimmer of an idea for how to really show Liv and MC the depth of my regret and how much I understood what I’d done had hit me, and I hated it and thought it might work.
Hoping he’d give me the answer that would mean I didn’t have to carry out that idea for two women who currently hated me, I said, “I should probably give up, right? I’ve got you and Ron not disgusted with me, and that’s probably all I can expect. Right? I should leave MC and Liv alone.”
Kent shook his head and my heart sank. “I don’t think either of them wants to be so mad at you, if you know what I mean. Liv still talks about how great you were to hang out with. She doesn’t know how to break through being mad, though, since it might cost her MC’s friendship. And MC is...” He sighed. “I love her, but she’s a grudge holder. I thought after her grudge against me broke us up she’d be better once we got back together, but she’s still the queen of it. But last night when she was crying she said she just wants everyone to be friends again.”
“Her grudge against me is deserved,” I said, hating that because of me MC was crying so often that it didn’t even seem to bother him.
He nodded. “But she doesn’t want it. She really doesn’t want to be that way any more. She just doesn’t know how to let go. Liv’s the same. They want to but they can’t. I think you’re going to have to make it happen for them. If you can. Maybe if you let them tell you off?”
Maybe. And if that didn’t work, I thought I knew what would. But could I survive it?
Chapter Forty-Three
I hated the thought of going to Liv and MC and trying to get them to release their fury at me so they’d also release their grudges, but I hated the idea I’d come up with while out with Kent even more, so after a few days of agonizing I got Kent to let me know when the two of them would be out in public and I showed up at the cafe where they were having lunch on Sunday.
MC’s brown eyes and Liv’s blue ones locked on me with equal rage filling them. “What do you want?” Liv said, glancing at MC then back at me. “Haven’t you done enough?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I probably have. More than. But I’ve told everyone else why and not you guys, so I want to--”
“Well, we don’t want to hear you,” MC snapped. “Bad enough I hear about you all the time, now that Kent is on your side and Ron is all googly-eyed over you.”
Filing the “Ron’s googly-eyed” thing away to think about and enjoy later, I said, “Kent is not on my side, he’s on yours. One hundred and ten percent. Which is how it should be.”
Liv looked taken aback but I wasn’t even sure MC had heard me. “Then why’d he tell you we were going to be here?”
“Because I asked,” I said quietly. “Because I wanted to tell you that I know that what I did hurt you and that my reasons for it--”
“I don’t care about them,” MC said, slapping her hands down on the table. “I don’t and I can’t so just shut up!”
People were turning to look at us, and I couldn’t believe how much MC was freaking out, but I couldn’t give up yet. I squatted down beside their table and said, “I will, in one second. I’ll leave. Let me say one thing. Please.”
Liv took hold of MC’s arm. “One thing,” she said, looking between us. “She can say one thing, MC.”
My eyes locked with MC’s and I realized she was terrified. Of me, for her marriage, I didn’t know which, but she was so scared she could barely sit still.
She didn’t say I could talk, but she didn’t say I couldn’t and she didn’t pull away from Liv, so I went for it. “The one thing,” I said, thinking as I spoke and hoping to hell I’d find the right words, “is that I am sorry. I did what I did trying to protect you and instead I made everything worse and I am deeply sorry for that.”
“Because it got everyone mad at you,” MC said.
“No. Because...” My throat tightened but I made myself keep going. “Because it hurt you. And you,” I said to Liv. “And Kent and Ron and Aaron and everyone else I’ve come to care about since the island. I hurt everyone I care about and I am so sorry for it.”
Nobody spoke for a moment. I didn’t want to move, though staying squatted down was starting to hurt my legs, because I didn’t know what MC was thinking behind the blank mask of her face and I didn’t want to interrupt her. I’d told her the truth. I did hurt them and I was sorry. Everything else was details.
“And what,” she said slowly, �
�do you expect me to do about it?”
I swallowed hard, her coldness like an icicle in my heart. “I don’t know. But I’d like it if you could forgive me.”
“Why?” The passion she occasionally showed, usually in connection with Kent, flared again, and I knew why when she added, “So you can weasel into my husband’s life again, try to get him back?”
“MC,” Liv said softly, but I ignored her. “No,” I said, looking directly into MC’s furious eyes. “No, Kent and I aren’t meant to be. I love him as a friend but that’s all it’ll ever be. No, because...” Simon flashed into my mind. “Because, no matter how much it’s deserved, hating someone hurts you more than it hurts the person. So I want you to forgive me so you can feel better.”
She considered this, while I squatted there and realized that I had to forgive Simon though I hated him and forgive myself for screwing up though I hated myself for it, because both of those hatreds were tearing me apart.
“Well,” MC said finally, “it’s not happening. And that’s more than one thing. So goodbye.”
I pushed up to my feet at once. “Okay. Thank you for listening.”
I turned and left, wishing desperately that they’d stop me. They didn’t.
At the door I let myself look back. MC was staring down at the table, arms folded, but Liv was looking in my direction. We shared a moment of eye contact, in which I saw clearly that I’d reached her but she couldn’t move on without MC, then she looked away.
Well. I’d tried everything I could think of but the one thing I couldn’t face.
Time to try that.
Chapter Forty-Four
Over the next two weeks, I threw myself heart and soul into researching the “Hunter and gambling” thing. I did it, at first, because I couldn’t bear thinking about what I’d decided to do about MC and Liv, but as what I found became more and more interesting the work took on a life of its own.
Hunter was a big gambler, out at poker games nearly every night and frequently seen at the most exclusive casinos with the world’s top businessmen and celebrities, and given how his career couldn’t be called anything but shaky I didn’t see where he was getting the cash to do it. He was playing with guys with pockets deeper than the ocean and yet they kept playing with him night after night. Either he was a secret billionaire, which seemed unlikely, or he was providing them with something other than money.
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