“I don’t know what else to say.” His words are dripping with defeat like I’m the one that told him I don’t love him back and not the other way around.
“You don’t have to say anything. I’ll be gone in a week and you’ll never have to see me again.”
“That’s not what I want,” he starts.
“Isn’t it?” I cut him off. “Fuck you, Thad. Fuck you for playing with my emotions. Fuck you for making me think this was something more. Just fuck you.” I turn, stopping dead in my tracks when I see Ben and Beth standing a few feet away, shock and surprise so evident on their faces there’s no doubt in my mind that they didn’t hear every word that I said.
“Don’t say a fucking word,” I scream in Ben’s direction, pretty sure I’ve never used the F word so much in my life as I have in the last two minutes.
Not able to stand here a moment longer, I take off toward the house, my shoulder bumping into Ben’s as I pass.
I don’t turn around as I run up the back steps and disappear inside, desperate to get the hell away from everyone and everything.
I take the stairs two at a time and duck into my bedroom moments later, my hands shaking and my stomach so twisted up I wonder if I might be sick.
With my back to the door, I try to focus on my breathing. On pulling air in and out of my lungs in an effort to keep myself from completely falling apart. It works for all of ten seconds before I dissolve into a puddle of tears on the floor.
Chapter Twenty-four
“You about ready?” Chris appears in the doorway of my bedroom, resting his shoulder against the door jam.
“I think so.” I force a smile, zipping up the suitcase sitting on top of my bed.
“You nervous?” he asks.
“More anxious.”
“You’re gonna be amazing,” he reassures me, crossing into the room to retrieve my duffel bag off the floor before grabbing the suitcase I just finished packing.
“Thanks, Chris.”
I slide my carryon bag onto my shoulders and follow him from the room, not sure if I’m more or less ready to leave than I was yesterday.
Things haven’t been easy these past few days. Seeing Thad every day has been like taking a knife and reopening the same wound over and over again. I never dreamed that being close to him and not being able to talk to him or touch him would hurt so bad. I think deep down I had convinced myself that if I wanted to be with him I could be. Regardless if we could have actually made it work or not, having the option offered me some kind of peace.
Now, having that ripped away, having to be forced to face the reality that the man I love does not love me, is like living in my own personal hell.
Nothing feels right anymore and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of the sick feeling that has haunted me since that night of the bonfire.
I’m pretty sure I’ve just been acting on autopilot since then. Smiling at the appropriate times, speaking when spoken to, here but not actually here at the same time.
I’ve never wanted to leave a place so bad yet also stay so much in my life. On one hand I feel like getting away from here is the only thing that will set me free, yet leaving makes me feel like my heart is breaking all over again. Because leaving is admitting that it really is over and no matter how clear Thad has made that point, I think a part of me has been holding on to some small glimmer of hope that deep down he feels the same way.
I’m pretty quiet on the car ride to the airport. After saying goodbye to my family, I don’t really have it in me to do much more. I feel mentally and emotionally drained. Pissed at myself that as we drove away I couldn’t stop looking at the camper in the rearview mirror until it disappeared from view.
Memory after memory flooded my vision as Chris drove down the long gravel driveway leading away from the house. The first time I saw Thad in the kitchen. The way he would smile at me. The way he used to touch me. The way he used to kiss me. Memories of a life that feels so far away from where I am now.
You would think I’d be happier. Here I am getting ready to get on a plane and fly to North Carolina to live out my dream. And yet somehow none of it seems that important anymore. How can one person and a few short weeks change your life so much?
“Laken,” Chris snaps me from my thoughts and I look up to see that we’re parked in the drop off lane of the airport. “You gonna get out or sit here until you miss your plane?” He smirks.
“Sorry.” I shake my head and smile. “I guess I’m a bit preoccupied.”
“You don’t say?” he questions sarcastically.
“Shut it, big brother.” I smack him lightly across the chest.
“I’m gonna miss the hell out of you, you know that?”
“I’m gonna miss you too,” I tell him truthfully. “You should come out one weekend soon. Visit the set. Meet some of the cast. I bet you’d get a kick out of it.”
“I think I’d like that.”
“Good.” I pull the car door open and step out. “You just tell me when and I’ll make the arrangements.”
“Miss Money Bags. Got herself a real paying acting job and now thinks she’s hot stuff.”
Snapping up my middle finger, I give him a screw you smile before stepping out of the way of the door and slamming it closed. Chris is out of the vehicle within seconds and joins me at the back. Popping open the tailgate, he pulls my three pieces of luggage out and sets them at my feet.
“For what it’s worth, I think he really does care about you.” His words slice me open like a sharp blade.
“It doesn’t matter now,” I tell him, throwing my carryon over my shoulder before lifting the duffel on top of it and grabbing the rolling handle of my suitcase, purposely not meeting his gaze.
“He’s had me go to three meetings with him this past week, Lake. He may act like he doesn’t care but something tells me he cares a hell of a lot more than he wants anyone to know.”
My heart beats a little faster in my chest but I refuse to let myself get derailed. I can’t look back now. What’s done is done.
“It’s not uncommon for ex-addicts to go to meetings.”
“No, but considering up until this week he’s only been to two in six months, I’d say that’s a pretty clear indication that he’s struggling.”
“Are you trying to make me feel guilty for leaving?” I look up to meet his gaze. “Because he made his stance on this pretty clear.”
“I don’t mean to broach a sensitive subject. I know you’re hurting. I just thought maybe it would help to know that you’re not the only one.”
“Well it doesn’t.”
“Okay. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I let out a slow sigh. “I should go.”
“Yeah.” He rocks back on his heels.
“Take care of everyone, yeah?”
“You know I will.” He snags one arm around my bag less shoulder and pulls me in for a quick hug. “Now go conquer the world.”
“Oh I will.” I smile up at him when he releases me. “Love you, big brother.”
“Love you too.”
With that I turn and head into the airport.
Chapter Twenty-five
“Hello,” I grumble, sleep heavy in my voice.
“Laken.” The instant I hear Thad’s voice my eyes shoot open, meeting the darkness of the hotel room.
“Thad?” I question, glancing at the clock on the bedside table to see it’s just after one in the morning.
“I’m sorry about the late call. I just needed to hear your voice,” he slurs and in an instant I’m on high alert.
“Have you been drinking?” I question, sitting up in bed before leaning over to switch on the lamp.
“I should have said something,” he goes on without answering my question. “Anything.” There are voices in the background that sound muffled, like Thad is purposely covering the speaker of the phone to keep me from hearing what’s being said.
“Thad, what’s going on? Where are you?”
“You’ve been drinking,” I try again, this time as a statement and not a question.
“I might have had a few,” he finally confirms after what feels like an eternity of silence.
“Thad,” I start, not sure exactly what to say. He doesn’t know that I know about his addiction. If he did I doubt he’d be calling me right now.
But before I have the opportunity to figure out my plan of attack he cuts in, not allowing me to continue, “Just listen for a fucking minute.” He waits until he’s sure I’m not going to say anything before continuing, “I shouldn’t have let you leave the way I did. I shouldn’t have been such a fucking pussy. You deserved better than that. You deserve better than me.” His words slur together one after the other like it’s taking everything he has to get them out clear enough for me to understand them.
“Where are you?” It’s my turn to cut him off.
“Fuck, I don’t know.” He chuckles into the phone.
“Is anyone with you?” I pull the phone away from my ear long enough to see the number he’s calling me from. It’s not one I recognize but it’s the same area code as my parents’ so he has to be somewhere in town.
“Nope.”
“I need you to do me a favor. I’m going to have someone come get you. I need you to promise me you will not go anywhere until then.”
“You’re going to come here?” he questions, clearly so out of his mind he doesn’t remember that I’m over a thousand miles away at the current moment. And now is not the time to remind him.
“Promise you’ll stay put.”
“I promise.” His words are thick and slow and if I had to guess he’s verging on the point of passing out, or puking, or both.
“I’m going to hang up now,” I tell him.
“Fuck that. Don’t hang up. I need to hear you.”
“Thad, I need to get you home. Remember. You promised you’d stay there until someone comes to get you.”
“You’re coming to get me,” he says, no question in the statement.
“I’m coming to get you,” I lie, needing to get him off the phone. “Now hang up.”
“I can’t wait to kiss you,” he slurs and even though I know it’s the alcohol talking, a part of me wishes I was there so he could do just that.
“Me too.” I clear the emotion from my throat and press on. “I’m hanging up now.”
“Okay.”
I press the end call button and immediately pull up the number he called me from and hit redial. It rings twice before a man’s voice comes on the line. “Pete’s Tavern.”
“Hi, I have a friend who just called me from the bar.”
“You must be Laken.” I can practically hear the smile in his voice.
“Wow, how drunk is he?”
“He’s in pretty rough shape. I cut him off about an hour ago but he’s made no attempt to leave.”
“Can you give me your address and I’ll send someone out to get him?”
“Of course.” He rambles off the address, stopping to repeat it again once I’m at the desk with a pen and paper at the ready.
“Perfect,” I say, jotting it down. “Can you please keep him there until someone comes to get him? Whatever you do, don’t let him leave.”
“I’ll do my best,” he tells me.
“Thank you.” I quickly end the call and pull up Chris’s number in my contacts. It doesn’t even ring once before voicemail picks up. If he’s home, which is very likely, he doesn’t have any reception on his cell, so I decide to call Brad in hopes that I can get a hold of him.
I don’t want to call my parents and if he doesn’t answer that’s exactly what I’ll have to do. Luckily Brad picks up on the fourth ring, clearly having been awoken from sleep.
“Hello,” he groggily answers the phone.
“Brad, it’s Laken. I need a favor.”
“What is it? Are you alright?” I hear the instant concern in his voice.
“I’m fine. It’s not me. It’s Thad.”
“Thad? What about Thad?”
“He just called me from Pete’s Tavern completely out of his mind. I tried calling Chris but it goes straight to voicemail.”
“I’ll take care of it,” he cuts in. “Where did you say he was again.” I hear rustling noises followed by what sounds like a door closing.
“Pete’s Tavern. It’s out off of Belleview.”
“I know where it is. I’ll go grab Chris and we’ll go get him.”
“Thank you, Brad.” I sigh, relief evident in my voice.
“I’ll call you once we have him.”
With that he ends the call and the deafening silence of the room settles over me. Dropping my cell onto the bedside table, I lay back in bed and stare up at the ceiling, my mind going a million miles a minute.
—-
My alarm blares to life way too early and I find myself slapping at the clock blindly, trying to get the damn thing to shut up.
Finally managing to hit the snooze button, I turn my face into the pillow and let out a loud groan.
Today is my first official day on set. We’re scheduled to shoot the scene when Rose and Dante meet. It’s a huge scene and will be what sets the tone for the entire rest of the story. I can’t afford to be distracted or tired – both of which I definitely am.
I had obsessed over what was happening with Thad for nearly two hours before Chris called me. And of course I didn’t get a wink of sleep in that time frame which would explain why I feel like there’s no possible way I’m going to be able to pull myself out of this bed.
Even after Chris called to confirm that they had him and he was home safe, it still took me a long time to find sleep again. My mind was pinging around in a thousand different directions. Even though I was physically exhausted, mentally I couldn’t get my brain to shut down.
All I could think about was Thad. What it took to push him to the point of drinking to that excess. What it means for his recovery. What it means for him.
I don’t know a lot about substance addiction, but I do know it’s not uncommon for people to slip. The important thing is that they get right back up when they do. But what if he doesn’t get back up? What if I end up being responsible for completely derailing all that he has accomplished since being on the ranch?
I shake off the thought that lurks at the forefront of my mind. To have that large of an impact on someone I’d have to actually mean something and he made it pretty clear I don’t. I can’t take that on myself.
I groan again, managing to push myself into an upright position. Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I jump slightly when my phone springs to life on the bedside table.
Grabbing it, I quickly unplug it from the charger before looking at the screen. Whitney’s name dancing across it.
“Hello,” I quickly answer, needing the distraction.
“Today’s the big day,” she sings across the line.
“Well someone is in a good mood this morning.” I laugh, forcing myself out of bed.
“I know you’re shooting this morning. I just wanted to call and wish you luck and tell you to knock ‘em dead.”
“Thanks, Whit.” I smile, perfectly aware of how lucky I am to have a friend like her.
“Everything okay? You sound off.” How she manages to pick up on that is beyond me.
“Yeah, just didn’t sleep well last night. Guess I’m a little nervous,” I say, not wanting to get into the real reason why I didn’t sleep well. I don’t have it in me to talk about it right now. At least not until I’ve had a shower and maybe a gallon of black coffee. Make that two gallons of coffee and maybe a stiff shot of whiskey.
“Don’t be nervous. You’re going to be amazing. And let’s not forget about that hot co-star of yours. Aaron Samuels, holy shit. Could you be any luckier right now?”
“He is pretty cute,” I admit.
“Pretty cute?” she questions in disbelief.
“I mean, he’s not rea
lly my type.”
“Oh, that’s right. You’ve gotten into brooding hot guys with commitment issues as of late.”
“Guy, not guys,” I correct her. “And that was just sex and is over now.”
“Which is exactly why shooting with a hotter than hot lead actor is perfect. You’re back on the market and let’s face it; he’s gorgeous, talented, and available, which makes him the perfect man.”
“Except for the fact that he’s dating Lacey Ryan,” I point out, referring to the reality star that’s known for her over the top publicity schemes and party girl nature.
“What? He is not!” she objects loudly.
“Hate to break it to you, Whit, but he is. It may not be public but after five minutes of being in the same room as them it was pretty apparent.”
“I refuse to believe that someone as drop dead gorgeous as Aaron Samuels is dating a scanky whore like Lacey Ryan.”
“Refuse it all you want. Doesn’t make it any less true.”
“You’ve officially ruined my morning,” she announces dramatically.
“You’ll live.” I roll my eyes and laugh. “I gotta go, Whit. I have to be on set in less than an hour and I’ve barely managed to pull myself out of bed let alone be anywhere even close to ready.”
“Yeah. Yeah. Go. Get ready. Call me later. I want every detail of your first day.”
“Will do,” I agree.
“Love ya.”
“Love you too,” I tell her before ending the call.
Turning, I set my phone on the vanity and catch sight of myself in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot and tired, dark rims lining each one. My hair looks like birds are nesting it and I’m fairly certain I’ve gained ten pounds in the last week with all the takeout I’ve been eating.
Needless to say I feel way off my game right now and I need to snap the hell out of it. This is my big chance. My opportunity to put myself on the map and build a real career for myself. I can’t let anyone or anything get in the way of this.
I’m hurting over Thad, of course I am. I stupidly allowed myself to pursue him when I knew I wasn’t capable of just sex with him. I knew that right out of the gate. I feel too big. I fall too hard. I always have.
Force of Nature Page 16
