I let myself believe that what I was feeling for Thad would go away as easily and as quickly as it came. That it was just the connection to another person that had me desperate to be with him all the time. I knew it was bullshit even then; I just wouldn’t let myself see it.
If he had wanted me, if the choice had been between this life and him, I would have chosen him hands down. So perhaps he did me a favor. Because while yes, I would have given this up to be with him, there’s no doubt in my mind I would have regretted it in the long run and eventually resented him for it.
With that thought I take a deep breath and reset. It’s time I let go of this fantasy I’ve been carrying around. It’s time I accept that he made his choice and I’ve made mine.
Chapter Twenty-six
THAD
“Dude. Get the hell up,” Chris snaps seconds before the covers disappear from my body.
“What the fuck, man?” I growl, the sudden pounding in my head making it impossible to even attempt to open my eyes.
“What’s wrong? Feeling a little hung over?” He’s speaking too loudly like he’s trying to make a point. “That’s what happens when you hole yourself up in some ratty dive bar and run up a hundred dollar tab drinking shots of whiskey.”
“Fuck.” I groan, my stomach turning at the thought.
“What the hell were you thinking, man?”
“I was thinking I wanted a fucking drink,” I growl, not sure why the hell I have to answer to him for anything. He’s not my keeper.
“And calling Laken? What did you hope to accomplish there other than worry her out of her mind and confuse her even more than she’s already confused?”
“What?” I roll, pushing up into a sitting position. It takes a moment for my vision to clear enough for me to focus on Chris who’s standing at the foot of the bed with his arms crossed in front of himself.
“Oh, you don’t remember?” he grinds out sarcastically. “You called her drunk off your ass. If it wasn’t for her you would have either slept at the bar or walked home because given your condition there was no way the bartender was going to let you drive away. Not that you could have if you tried.”
“I called her?” I question even though he’s made it pretty apparent that I did.
He nods. “She called Brad who came over and woke me up. When we got to Pete’s you were passed out with your head on the bar. We had to carry you out.”
“Fuck.” I pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and index finger in an attempt to relieve some of the pressure building in my head.
“Look, I get that some stuff has gone down but you’ve got to find a better way to deal with it. If it had been my father that had to come get you, I can guarantee you’d be packing your shit right now. You knew the rules coming here.”
“Chris,” I start, but he holds up a hand to stop me.
“Figure your shit out, Thad. And leave my sister out of it while you do. You’ve put her through enough already. I won’t say a word about what went down last night as long as you promise me it won’t happen again.”
“It won’t.”
“I’m serious, man. You might be my friend but I won’t do this shit with you. You need a meeting I’m there. You need someone to talk to, I’m there. But I won’t sit back and watch you head down the path you’ve been working a year to save yourself from.”
“It won’t happen again,” I reiterate.
“Good. Now get your ass up. We’ve got work to do.” With that he spins around and quickly exits the camper, letting the door slam shut loudly behind him.
***
“You feeling okay today, son?” Henry drops down next to me, holding a piece of fencing in place so that I can secure it.
“Didn’t sleep well last night.” I half lie.
“I see.” He nods, his eyes that look so much like Laken’s staring back at me.
Henry Roth is an intimidating man. One that I’m not ashamed to admit scares the hell out of me on most days. But he’s also a good man and he’s done more for me over the past year than I ever deserved and for that I will be forever grateful.
“I think it’s time for me to leave the ranch,” I announce, having been giving it a lot of thought over the past few days.
The truth is I can’t be here anymore. I can’t walk into the barn without seeing her standing there. I can’t work on a tractor or tinker with my truck without the vision of her leaning over the hood flashing through my mind. I can’t shake her smile, her laugh, the way she always made everything feel so easy. Every single thing on this ranch reminds me of her and last night proved that being here is pushing me in a direction I do not want to go.
“Mind if I ask why?” Henry stands, propping his hip against the fence post.
“I think it’s time. I can’t hide out here forever. It’s time for me to prove to myself that I can make it in the real world.”
“This wouldn’t have anything to do with my daughter, would it?” He quirks a brow.
“Sir?” I shake my head, caught off guard by his question.
“It’s alright.” He chuckles. “I’ve known for weeks.” He bends down and picks up a couple tools, dropping them in the toolbox in the back of the Gator before turning back to me.
“How?” I don’t even try to deny it. I can see by the look on his face he wouldn’t believe me anyway.
“Call it a father’s intuition,” he says. “Plus my wife told me.” A rare smile spreads across his face.
“I... I don’t.”
“You don’t have to say anything, Thad. Laken is a beautiful, driven young woman. You’d have to be blind not to see how incredible she is. Everyone needs someone like her in their life. The only question I have is why did you let her go?”
“I didn’t, she left.”
“We both know that’s not true. She left because you let her go not the other way around. Why?”
“Because she deserves better than me,” I tell him truthfully, having known that from the instant I laid my eyes on her.
“Why? Because of your past?”
“Among other things.” I nod.
“Does she know about any of it?”
I shake my head, having never had the balls to tell her the truth.
“Do you think it would have changed anything if you had?”
“Probably not.” I shrug.
“I don’t think you’re giving my daughter enough credit. Laken is strong and she loves with her whole heart unconditionally. If she cares for you the way I think she does, she wouldn’t judge you based on who you were. She’d see the man you are now. But something tells me you already knew that. I think maybe you’re more scared that she will accept you.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t come to you.”
“Don’t be. You’re entitled to your private life as is Laken. As long as she’s safe and happy then so am I. I didn’t say anything because she did seem happy, at least for a while.”
“We both were,” I admit, the sinking feeling in my stomach growing more prominent.
“I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I’ll say this. You’re a good man, Thad. You deserve the same happiness as everyone else. You just have to be willing to accept it. You can’t punish yourself forever.”
“I slipped last night. Whiskey, not drugs. But still, I slipped. Guess I’m not that different from a year ago after all.”
“Do you have any urge to use?”
“Not even a little bit.”
“Want another drink?”
“Hell no.” I shake my head, having been reminded today how shitty you feel after a night of drinking.
“Exactly.” He claps his hands together. “You think I don’t have my moments? We all do. It doesn’t mean you haven’t changed. It doesn’t mean you’re undeserving of happiness. It means you’re human. The important thing is that you recognize why you slipped and you don’t let it happen again.”
“It won’t happen again,” I insist.
�
�Good. Now come on. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover and not a lot of daylight left.” He nods toward the Gator, going right back into work mode.
It’s a rare moment when you get to see this side of Henry Roth. In fact, I think this is only the second conversation I’ve had with him pertaining to anything real since I arrived here last summer. Like then, he says his peace and moves on, not one to linger on anything for too long.
He waits until I’ve climbed into the passenger side of the Gator before saying more. “If you’re serious about leaving the ranch we can talk more about it later. See how we can help get you set up.”
“I appreciate that, Henry. I appreciate everything you have done for me over this past year. You gave me an opportunity to rebuild my life when no one else would.”
“You’re family, Thad,” he says, clapping me on the shoulder. “And around here we take care of our family.”
Chapter Twenty-seven
“Hey, mom.” I slide my shoes off right inside the hotel room door and flip on the lights. It’s been quite possibly one of the longest days I’ve had on set in the month we’ve been shooting and I feel absolutely dead on my feet.
“Hi, honey. How are you? I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in weeks.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Things have been crazy here. The first episode airs in less than a month and we still have three more episodes to shoot before that time. It’s insane how quickly they’ve thrown all this together. How is everything there?”
“Oh you know, the usual. You’re father bought yet another tractor. Though I have no idea why he thinks he needed it.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.” I laugh.
“The twins are getting ready to go back to school and we really could have used the extra money for clothes. I swear they’re growing like weeds. At this rate they’ll be towering over your father in no time.”
“They are pretty tall,” I agree. “How about Brad and Miranda and my little nephew?”
“Doing great. They told us last night at dinner that they’re trying for a second child. Isn’t that amazing?”
“It is,” I agree, feeling like I’m floating through the conversation in a daze – so tired I can barely hold my eyes open. “Chris and Ben staying out of trouble?” I ask, having not spoken to either of them in almost a month.
I feel bad that I’ve kind of fallen off the face of the earth, but I needed to remove myself from the situation back home and focus on me for a while.
“As best they can. Ben and Beth have gotten pretty serious. He even brought her to dinner last week. Can you believe it? I never thought I’d see the day.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “Chris has been gone the last couple of days. He’s been up in Charter helping Thad get settled.”
“Settled for what?” The mention of Thad snaps me out of my sleep deprived fog.
“Thad got an apartment there. Chris is helping him get everything set up. He should be back sometime tomorrow.”
“Thad got an apartment?”
“He did. Moved last weekend. Got himself a job as a mechanic. I’m gonna miss having him around but I think it was time.”
“What if he relapses?” I blurt, a weird feeling creeping into my chest.
“You know about that?” She seems surprised.
“Chris told me. Though I’m not sure why you didn’t.”
“We were trying to be respectful of Thad. It was his business to tell. Not mine and certainly not your brother’s.”
“I guess he felt like I had a right to know.” I shrug even though she can’t see me. “Thad doesn’t know I know. I never said anything to him about it.”
“I see.” She pauses. “Well, the way I see it he could only hide out here for so long. It was only a matter of time before he had to step back out into the world and face his addiction head on. It’s the only way he’s ever going to know if he’s truly beaten it.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works, Mom. It’s not something you just get over. He’ll have to work at it every single day for the rest of his life no matter where he is.”
“I know that, honey. But it will get easier as time goes on.”
“I guess.” I huff.
“I’m surprised he didn’t tell you about the move.”
“We haven’t spoken since I left.” I try to keep my voice casual, like it isn’t a big deal even though it feels like a very big one to me. Of course I’m not counting the drunken phone call I received not long after I arrived in North Carolina.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Thad at least once. It’s usually at night, when the chaos of the day has filtered away and I’m lying in bed left to nothing but my thoughts. That’s when he creeps in. His stark blue eyes, his crooked smile, his deep laugh. All the things that are forever etched into my soul.
“Oh. I wasn’t aware. I guess I just assumed. I mean, you two seemed very close before you left.”
“Friendship based on circumstance.” I brush it off like it meant nothing. “But I’m happy for him. That’s awesome.”
“It really is,” she agrees.
“Hey mom, I hate to rush off but I really need to get in the shower and try to get some sleep. I have to be on set first thing in the morning,” I say, eager to wrap up the conversation even though it’s not even eight o’clock and we’ve been on the phone for all of five minutes.
“Okay, of course. You get some sleep and we’ll talk soon.”
“Sounds good.”
“Love you, honey.”
“I love you too, Mom,” I say before quickly ending the call and collapsing onto my back in the middle of the bed.
I look around the hotel room that’s acted as my home for the past few weeks. It’s a nice enough place but there’s something so impersonal about hotel rooms. If Blood Lust gets picked up for a second season I’ll most definitely be leasing a house somewhere close to the set.
This brings my mind back to Thad and what I learned from my mom. I hate that I feel so disconnected from him. Someone I once felt very close to, at least for a short time.
I wish I could say that the time that has passed has somehow lessened my feelings for him, but in truth I think it’s only made them stronger. I don’t know how he managed to worm his way in so deep but it’s like he’s there now and there’s no getting rid of him.
I accept that I will probably always carry a piece of him with me. Because even though what we shared was short lived, he changed me in a way I can’t begin to describe. He opened my eyes up to things I didn’t even know I wanted and showed me what it felt like to let someone in completely. Something I’d never done before.
I don’t regret my time with Thad. Only that it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped it would. He’s clearly moving on and I think it’s time I start to do the same.
With that, I push myself out of bed and head toward the bathroom in desperate need of a shower and a good night’s sleep.
Chapter Twenty-eight
“How is it that you’ve been here two months and you still haven’t stocked this kitchen?” Whit rifles through the cabinets of the tiny kitchenette at the front of my hotel room.
I don’t even know that I would even call it a kitchenette. More like a two foot long counter with two cabinets, a microwave, and the tiniest sink I’ve ever seen with a mini fridge tucked underneath.
“You have half a box of granola bars and three waters in here. What the hell do you eat?” She comes around the half wall separating the kitchen from the rest of the room.
“I mainly eat on set or order room service. Sometimes I go to the restaurant downstairs.” I shrug, tugging a brush through my wet hair. “I’m not really here all that often.”
“I’ve only been here a day and I swear my cabinets are stuffed full. You know how much I love my snacks.” She grins, crossing the room before plopping down on the couch positioned right below the window on the back wall.
Whit got picked up for a small supporting role on Blo
od Lust. I may have had a tiny hand in her landing the role, but she proved on set today that she more than deserved it.
I love having her here. Unfortunately, she’ll only be here a couple weeks, given that her character gets killed off after three episodes.
“Let me guess. Gummy bears, trail mix, and wheat thins.” I smile.
“You know me too well.” She crosses one leg over the other as she sinks further into the couch. “So, you gonna tell me what’s up with you and Branch?” She quirks a brow.
“Nothing.” I shake my head, dropping my brush onto the bedside table before shifting to face her completely.
Branch plays Oliver, the male lead’s best friend. We met the first week on set and have formed a friendship of sorts – though we rarely see each other off set.
“Uh huh.” She gives me a knowing smirk.
“I mean it, Whit. He’s an awesome guy and really freaking cute, but he’s just my friend.”
“Wanna tell me why he’s just your friend because it’s pretty apparent he would like to be more?”
“I just don’t feel that way toward him.”
“Wouldn’t have anything to do with your hot Mark Knox lookalike, would it?” She cocks a brow.
“That’s way over, Whit.” I pick at my finger nail to avoid looking at her.
“You’re an awful liar.”
“I’m not lying. It’s over.” I look up to meet her gaze.
“It may be over but that doesn’t mean you’re over him.”
“Well, that doesn’t much matter now does it? He made it pretty clear what I was to him.”
“Which is why you need to put yourself back out there.”
“I’m not interested in dating anyone, Whit. Really, I don’t have the time and my focus needs to be where it is right now. Distractions are not something that work well in my favor. I’m not good at balancing things.”
“Because you’re an obsessive person.”
Force of Nature Page 17
