“Thad?” I question, noticing he seems just as surprised to see me as I do to see him.
“Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t know...” he starts.
“You didn’t know I was here,” I finish his sentence, feeling my face flush.
“I just stopped by to get a couple things I left here. Your mom said I could grab them whenever.” He gestures to a box on the small fold out table that I hadn’t noticed when I walked in.
“No problem.” I shrug it off, having still not fully recovered from seeing him standing in front of me after all this time.
He hasn’t changed one bit and yet he seems so different. I can’t tear my eyes away from him. His light eyes, his messy hair, the way his casual button down shirt stretches over his broad shoulders.
“I’m stuck out here for a few days because my parents invited everyone and their mothers to Christmas.” I roll my eyes, trying desperately to seem cool and casual.
“Yeah, I remember that from last year.” He chuckles, reminding me of my absence from Christmas last year causing guilt to settle into my stomach right alongside the nervous butterflies.
“Right.” I nod, suddenly not sure what to say.
“You in town for the holidays?” he asks, still standing right inside the door.
“Yeah. I head back to North Carolina after the New Year.”
“I’ve been watching the show,” he tells me, a small smile pulling up one side of his mouth.
“Oh yeah?” I question, honestly a little surprised by this news.
“You’re amazing by the way. You make Rose’s character so believable.”
“Thanks. I can’t believe you watch it. Doesn’t really seem like your cup of tea.”
“It’s not,” he agrees. “And yet I find myself looking forward to Tuesday night every single week.” He laughs at himself. “Anyway, I guess I should get going.” He snags the box off the table and balances it between his hip and forearm. “It was good seeing you, Laken.”
“Yeah, you too.” I force a smile despite the growing dread in my chest.
I watch him turn, the thud of my heart against my ribs deafening as he pushes the door open and disappears outside.
Tears sting the back of my eyes and no matter how badly I want to go after him, I refuse to let myself move.
This is who we are now. Two people who exchange pleasantries when they see each other and nothing more. At least that’s what I think until the door flies open and Thad steps back inside, his chest rising and falling in rapid succession.
“Are you okay?” I question, pushing off the bed but not moving any closer toward him.
“No.” He drops the box back on the table and closes the short distance between us so quickly I swear I blink and he’s standing right in front of me. “I can’t see you, stand here and talk to you like everything is fine when all I really want to do is this.”
Before I can react, his lips are pressed to mine. No matter how much I wish it didn’t, my body instantly melts into him like it knows exactly where it belongs.
Chapter Thirty-three
THAD
I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be kissing her. Tasting her. Running my hands up her arms to feel the way her flesh prickles beneath my touch.
I shouldn’t do a lot of things...
One look at her and all the memories came back. Her laugh, her smile, the way she says my name as I move inside of her. I’m desperate to hear it again. The little whimpers and cries. The way she comes alive beneath me.
It’s all I can see. All I can feel. All I can focus on. I need to feel her. It’s the only thought I have.
I’ve been living in my own form of hell for months. Struggling between two addictions. Her and one that will erase her and everything right along with her.
“Thad,” she whispers against my lips prompting me to kiss her harder and deeper.
Fuck she feels so good. Too good. Too perfect. It’s the exact high I was expecting. The high I’ve spent countless days trying to resist.
I thought I was doing good. I thought I was getting by okay. Damn was I wrong. One look at her and it was like someone had prepped the needle and stuck it in my arm. There was no way I could turn away.
“I want you.” I grab the hem of her shirt, pulling away long enough to peel the material over her head before my mouth is back on hers. “I need you,” I murmur against her lips.
“I need you too.” She moans, sliding my button down off my shoulders before helping me out of the t-shirt underneath.
I back her to the mattress, easing her down before making quick work of her pants. I’m barely able to suppress the groan that builds in my throat when she lifts her hips and slides her panties off, tossing them somewhere behind me.
I have my pants and boxers off in a flash, climbing on top of her like the room is on fire and she’s my only salvation. I don’t bother with a condom, not that I have one, but I know she’s on birth control. Thank god she is, because even if she weren’t I’m not sure that would stop me right now. I want to feel her bare. No, I need to feel her bare.
I wish I could take my time. I wish I could control the hunger blinding me but I can’t. I line myself at her entrance and plow inside with so much force she cries out before clamping her teeth down onto my shoulder.
Her reaction spurs me on even more and before I know it I’m slamming into her over and over, driving us both further up the mattress.
“Thad.” She reaches for my face, forcing my gaze to hers. “Look at me,” she pleads, something desperate in her eyes.
I can’t do what she asks. I can’t look at her. I can’t let her back in. It’s just a fix, I tell myself. Just one time and I’ll walk away. Just one small hit to ease the ache. Just one...
Chapter Thirty-four
I open my eyes then close them again; desperate to reclaim sleep. To reenter a world where I can pretend like yesterday didn’t happen.
A world where all Thad had to do was blink and I spread my legs wide like that would somehow fix all of our problems.
Now I’ve only made things worse. For me, for him, for us. Because I can get past a lot of things but I don’t think I can get past him walking out the door seconds after spilling himself inside of me.
He didn’t say anything. Hell, he didn’t even look at me. He put his clothes on and ran from the camper like the damn thing was on fire.
Tears sting the back of my eyes and I squeeze them closed even tighter.
I will not cry over him.
I will not give him another ounce of my soul, another shred of my heart, another second of my time.
Thad Mitchell has hurt me for the very last time.
—-
“So, here it is.” My agent Wendy slides the lease agreement across the table and hands me a pen. “The owner said he will meet us at the house and we can exchange the paperwork for the keys. He’s pretty excited to have a celebrity renting one of his properties.”
“I don’t know that I would classify myself as a celebrity.” I take the pen and scratch my initials on one of the highlighted lines.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit. Blood Lust is doing amazing. I’m sure you’ve noticed the buzz going around. Not to mention how frequently you’re getting recognized now.” She tilts her head toward two girls in the corner of the small café, their phones pointed in our direction, no doubt snapping pictures.
I think I’m oblivious to it all. Or maybe I’m afraid if I stop and let it soak in that it will all go away. It’s irrational, I know, but lately I’ve found myself unsure of things I’ve never been uncertain about.
“Thank you for lining this up so quickly.” I focus back on the matter at hand, initialing another line before scribbling my signature at the bottom.
“No problem at all. I was planning a trip out next week anyway so I moved it up.” She takes the lease agreement I extend to her and slides it back into a large manila envelope. “How was your holiday? I would ask if you rested and rejuve
nated but you look more exhausted now than you did while filming twelve hour days.”
“It was good,” I say, not willing to comment further on the matter. After that night with Thad, I put on a smile and faked my way through the subsequent days before taking the first flight I could get out of Wyoming the day after New Year’s. “It wasn’t quite the reset I was hoping for. I’m just glad to be back on set and ready to get back at it.”
“Well, as you know, filming got pushed by two weeks so you’ve got a little time to get settled into your new home and hopefully get some rest while you’re at it.”
“I’m excited that I don’t have to go back to the hotel except to get my bags. I didn’t mind it so much before but now I feel like I need my own space.”
“Totally understandable.” She smiles, standing. “Well, shall we get you over to your new house?”
“Let’s do it.” I nod, pushing out of my seat before following her from the café.
—-
It takes me less than a couple of hours to move into my new home. Since it came completely furnished, the only thing I had to do was place some pictures around the space and hang my clothes in the closet.
Wendy really nailed it with this place. It’s a cute little white one story with a red door tucked away in a historic area of town less than fifteen minutes from our main set.
It’s a two bedroom with just over a thousand square feet. I really didn’t need anything more than that considering it’s just me. The added bedroom means that anyone coming to visit can have their own space and not have to sleep on the couch.
It’s been newly renovated with dark hard woods, light gray walls, and a small but modern kitchen located at the back of the house.
I’ve only been here two days and already it feels like home. I didn’t realize how much I would love having my own space. Considering I went from living with my family, to living with roommates in L.A., and then back to my family, I’ve never really lived alone before.
I also decided it was time to buy a car. Considering I’m no longer within walking distance to work I knew I was going to need one. So less than a day after moving into my new home, I had a shiny new red Audi in the driveway.
It finally feels like I’m starting to really move forward in this new life. And yet there’s this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I can’t seem to shake. One that tells me I’m forcing myself to make all these changes in hopes that it somehow erases what I’m trying so hard to bury.
The doorbell startles me from my thoughts and I sit up on the couch, checking the time on the decorative wall clock behind me.
“He’s early per usual,” I say to myself, crossing the living room.
I peek out the small windows that rest on either side of the door, confirming that it’s Glenn before pulling it open.
He greets me with a bag of junk food in one hand, a bottle of wine in the other, and a huge smile on his face.
“Your house warming posse has arrived,” he announces, stepping past me into the foyer before looking around the space.
“What, did you bring reinforcements?” I tease, sticking my head out the door to look for the rest of the posse.
“Please. We both know I’m all the reinforcements you need. Now, point me to the kitchen.”
Chapter Thirty-five
We’ve been back on set for about six weeks and I finally feel like I’m getting back into the swing of things. This time leaving Thad behind has actually been a little easier. Maybe it’s because I’ve finally accepted that there’s no future for us or maybe it’s because the sting he left me with was enough to open my eyes and realize I deserve better.
Either way, life is pretty good.
Most days I keep busy on set and when I don’t have to work I’m usually off somewhere with Glenn doing whatever crazy thing he cocked up for the day. Just last week he had me take a six hour train ride for no reason other than to watch the world fly by through the window.
He’s such an interesting person. I can’t stick him into a certain box because truthfully he fits nowhere. That’s one of the things I love the most about him. Even if it does put me riding a train half way across the state for no reason at all.
“Hey, you feeling okay?” One of the set assistants Sonya appears next to me with a hot chocolate in her hand.
“Yeah, it’s just freezing out here.” I snuggle deeper into my jacket before taking the hot beverage.
We’ve been on set for a good portion of the night. It’s a scene that has to be shot in the dark and as such we’ve been out here for hours freezing our butts off. It’s not too bad during the day – with March just around the corner the temperatures have been floating around the fifties but at night it’s a completely different story.
“It really is. And of course we can’t get the scene right,” she points out right as the director once again calls cut and tells John and Tanya to run it again.
I’m about to respond to her comment when a wave of dizziness passes over me. I reach back to steady myself on the chair behind me but before my hand reaches it everything goes black.
Chapter Thirty-six
THAD
“What do you mean she fainted?” Chris barks into his phone as he paces the small living room of my apartment.
I haven’t seen or spoken to anyone in the Roth family since that night in the camper with Laken. I guess Henry was worried about me and sent Chris over to make sure I was still alive and sober.
He’d been here all of five minutes before his phone rang and now I’m sitting on the couch listening to a one sided conversation, wondering what the hell is going on.
“Have you talked to her?” He continues to pace. “No, I’m going with you.” He pauses. “I don’t care, Whit. I’ll get the first flight out and meet you there.” Another long pause where she is presumably speaking. “Okay, yeah. I’ll text you my flight details as soon as I get my ticket purchased.” He hangs up the phone and glances in my direction. “I’m sorry, man. I gotta go.” He instantly heads for the door.
“Is everything okay?” I quickly stand and follow him into the foyer.
“It’s Laken. Apparently she fainted on set last night. They’ve got her in the hospital running all kinds of tests. Whit only got minimal information from one of her co-stars and she’s not answering her cell. Whitney is flying out to be with her and I’m going to meet her there. I need to see for myself that she’s good before I tell my family anything.”
“I’m coming with you.” The statement leaves my mouth without a second thought and I’m instantly reaching for my jacket hanging next to the door.
“No, you’re not,” he clips, turning to face me.
“I have to go,” I insist, a wave of panic rushing through my gut.
All I can see is the expression on Laken’s face as I backed out of that camper. The confusion. The hurt in her eyes. It’s haunted me for weeks. I’ve been too ashamed to make things right. But now, knowing that something might be wrong with her, there’s no way I can sit back and let this shit go.
“Listen, I know you care about Laken but given my last conversation with her she made it pretty clear you two were over. Showing up unannounced when she’s probably already a little scared and confused is not the way to go about this. You know you’re like a brother to me, but I’m telling you if you take one more step I will knock your ass out.”
I instantly take a step back, feeling like he’s already physically assaulted me even though he hasn’t come anywhere close to touching me.
If there was ever a time for me to realize that I’m the outsider, this is it. And he’s right. Laken and I are over. I made damn sure of that. What right do I have to show up and force myself into a situation she certainly doesn’t want me to be a part of?
Not sure what else to do, I nod once before watching Chris throw open the door and disappear into the hallway.
Chapter Thirty-seven
“I’m sorry. I’m going to need you to repeat that again,
” I say, looking at the doctor like she has five heads and is speaking a completely different language.
“You’re pregnant,” she repeats, the words no easier to hear the second time around.
“But how?” I ask, more to myself.
“Well you see...” she starts and I instantly hold my hand up to stop her, not in the mood for what I’m sure was about to be a joke of some sort.
“I know how.” I shake my head. “I just don’t understand how. I’m on the pill. I’ve never missed a day,” I say, tears filling my eyes as the reality starts to set in.
“No birth control is a hundred percent effective.”
“But I’ve had periods.”
“Also completely possible.”
“I’ve had no symptoms,” I continue to object, convinced they must have it wrong.
“Some women don’t,” she calmly explains. “Based on your ultrasound I would put you right around nine to ten weeks so while you’re body is changing, it’s not significant enough that you would notice unless you were paying attention. I will tell you that everything looks to be progressing normally which is a good sign. We’ll need to get you started on some prenatal vitamins and there are brochures I can send home with you to help educate you on what’s to come as the weeks progress.”
“But why did I faint?” I ask, realizing she never actually touched on what landed me here in the first place.
“It’s actually more common during pregnancy than you might think. It’s likely your blood pressure dropped too low causing you to temporarily lose consciousness.”
“I’m pregnant.” I press my head back into the pillow and stare at the cream colored hospital wall in front of me.
A million things run through my mind.
My job...
How in the hell I’m going to pull this off? Not only does Rose never get pregnant in the book, but I can’t even wrap my head around our crazy filming schedule while having a baby to care for. Hell, I can barely even care for myself some days.
Force of Nature Page 21
