My family...
I can already see the disappointment on my parents’ faces. Their only daughter getting knocked up by an ex-drug addict that she’s not married to let alone dating. God, even I’m ashamed.
And then there’s Thad. Just the thought of telling him causes my stomach to roll and for a moment I wonder if I’m going to be sick.
I can’t raise a child with a man like Thad. It has nothing to do with the drug addiction and everything to do with the fact that he’s unreliable and unpredictable and that is no life for a child.
“I’ll give you some time to process the news. I’ll be back in a little bit,” the doctor interrupts my thoughts, waiting until I nod before slowly backing out of the room.
The instant the door snaps shut behind her the tears begin to pour.
How could I have gotten myself into such a mess? I knew Thad wasn’t wearing a condom the last time we were together, yet I did nothing to stop him. I thought we would be fine and honestly it all happened so fast I didn’t really have that much time to think about it.
Now I’m wishing like hell I could go back and do it all over again. If I could I wouldn’t even have slept with him to begin with.
I once wondered how one person could change my life so much in such a short time. Now I wonder how long it will take for me to piece my life back together after having him rip through it like a tornado. Honestly I’m not sure if that’s even possible anymore.
—-
“You sure you don’t need anything before we go?” Whit is standing in the doorway of my living room, a suitcase at her feet, while Chris is lounging in the chair next to me.
“I’m sure,” I tell her for the hundredth time.
Imagine my surprise when hours after receiving the most shocking news of my life, in walk my best friend and my brother – together.
I knew they had been talking for a while. I didn’t know the relationship had progressed to them travelling across the country together.
“I just hate leaving you by yourself right now,” she whines.
“Whit, I’m fine,” I reassure her. “Really. This is something I have to figure out on my own.”
“Are you going to tell him?” Chris pulls my gaze to the side and I meet his hesitant expression.
“No,” I answer truthfully. “At least not yet. And neither will you. No one outside of this room can know anything. Agreed.”
“Agreed.” Whit nods.
“I still think you should tell Mom and Dad,” Chris objects.
“I want to have a game plan first. I’m not that far along so I’ve got time.”
“Are you really considering giving it up for adoption?” Whit interrupts.
“It’s an option. And a good one at that. It’s on the table, that’s all I know right now.”
“You’ll call if you need anything?” Chris stands, dropping a quick kiss to the top of my head.
“I will.” I smile up at him when he pulls back.
“And I’m coming back out next month to stay for a couple weeks,” Whit informs me. “If it weren’t for this commercial I’m filming I wouldn’t leave at all.”
“Stop it.” I shake my head at my friend. “You have a life in California. You can’t drop everything just because I made a pretty epic mistake. I’ll be fine. I promise.”
It takes me another ten minutes to finally get the two out the door, reminding them several times that they’re going to miss their flight if they don’t go soon.
While I love them for coming, right now I need some space to think. I’m grateful that Glenn knew to call Whit and not my parents; otherwise I’d be facing a hell of a lot more right now.
Chris, needing to explain his sudden disappearance, told them that I had to be taken to the hospital but played it off as nothing more than my blood sugar dropping due to lack of food.
This of course prompted my mother to question why she was not the first person contacted and to lecture me over the phone for an hour on the importance of eating regularly. Of course all of that was a cake walk compared to what she would have said had she known the real reason I fainted.
After locking the front door, I head back into the living room, plopping down on the large gray wrap around couch. Closing my eyes, my hands instinctively go to my belly.
I imagine what he or she will look like. If she’ll have my light hair or he’ll have Thad’s unique eyes or his incredible laugh. I imagine him picking up our child and spinning them around. I imagine the three of us walking hand in hand through a park. Us teaching our child how to ride a horse.
I map out our entire lives in my mind. A perfect life where everything magically falls into place and everyone gets what they want. Unfortunately that’s not how life works at all.
If I keep this child he or she will likely grow up without a father. If I give my baby up for adoption, he or she will grow up thinking I didn’t love them enough to keep them. Either way I feel like I lose. And while every part of me knows the right thing to do for this child, I can’t wrap my head around letting a stranger raise my own flesh and blood. Thad’s flesh and blood.
Because no matter how much he’s hurt me. No matter how carelessly he ripped through my life, a part of me is in love with the thought of having his baby. As ridiculous as that sounds.
I run my hand up my shirt and over my stomach, noticing for the first time the small bump that protrudes beneath. The doctor was right. Had I known I was pregnant I would have noticed my body changing. Because now that I know, even though it’s only been a couple of days, I’ve noticed so many things I should have seen. Things I should have added up and put together. I guess I didn’t imagine it as a possibility to even give it a second thought.
“What are we going to do, baby?” I talk out loud, my palm flattening against where my tiny nugget is growing inside of me. “What are we going to do?” I ask again, knowing that from this moment on, nothing will ever be the same.
Chapter Thirty-eight
TWO MONTHS LATER
“Hey, Laken. They’re ready for you on set.” Guy pops his head into my trailer where hair and makeup are putting on the finishing touches.
“I’ll be out in two minutes,” I tell him, knowing I’ll never make it through this scene if I don’t pee first. “Thanks, Gloria.” I throw a wave to my makeup artist before quickly ducking into the bathroom.
I’m in and out in less than two minutes but that doesn’t stop Guy from once again opening the door to hurry me along.
“I’m coming. I’m coming,” I tell him, grabbing the jacket left by wardrobe before sliding it over my shoulders without looking in his direction.
“Looks like I should have called first.” The instant the familiar voice washes over me my entire body freezes.
No. It can’t be.
I turn slowly, my breath catching in my throat when my eyes land on Thad standing right inside my trailer, his typical baseball cap pulled low over his eyes.
“Thad.” His name leaves my mouth on a rush and if it weren’t for the counter behind me to grab onto I think I might be on the floor right now.
“Hi, Laken.” He gives me a hesitant smile.
“What are you doing here?” I blurt, too caught off guard to even bother with pleasantries. “How did you get on set?”
“Seems you forgot to remove me from the visitor list from the last time I was here.” He shuffles his feet. “I was hoping we could talk.”
“You couldn’t have called?” I snip, seeming to regain a little of my footing.
“I’ve been calling. For weeks. You won’t answer and you won’t call me back.”
“Maybe that should have been your hint.” I slide on my shoes, not bothering to tie them as I move to exit the trailer.
“Laken, please.” He grabs my forearm, pulling me close.
“I can’t do this right now, Thad,” I tell him, a slight shake to my voice. “They’re waiting for me on set.”
“Then I’ll wait,” he tells me, releasi
ng my arm so that I can step past him.
“Don’t bother,” I call over my shoulder as I climb down the short metal staircase leading to the ground. “In fact.” I stop mid stride, turning to find him standing in the doorway of my trailer. “I’d appreciate it if you weren’t here when I got back.” With that I spin around and walk away, feeling his eyes on me the entire time.
—-
I can’t focus. Thad showing up has completely knocked me off my game. I struggle with my lines more times than I care to admit in what is otherwise classified as a pretty simple scene.
It takes us about double the time to get through it as it normally would and by the time we finally do I’m apologizing to everyone who will listen.
“Everything okay with you?” Dave, the director, steps up next to me as I drop my jacket into my set chair.
“Yeah.” I sigh. “Pregnancy brain.” I point to my stomach.
I broke down and told the essential people about my pregnancy about three weeks ago, knowing it was only a matter of time before they found out anyway. Surprisingly everyone was really great about it. Apparently people love when other people have babies. Who knew?
Dave was able to work the schedule so that we’d be on break for the two months leading up to my due date. Any scenes before then will focus on my upper body once I get to the point that my belly can’t be hidden by clothes. All in all it’s been a lot easier of a transition than I thought it would be. Well, other than everyone and their mother bringing me treats all the time. Apparently people really like to feed pregnant people too. Though most days I don’t mind as I’m starving ninety percent of the time.
“Maybe you should head out early and get some sleep. We can pepper in some of the smaller parts tomorrow.”
“You sure?” I ask, feeling a little guilty but also so damn anxious to get back to my trailer I can barely stand it.
The entire two hours we were filming all I could think about was whether or not Thad was there waiting for me or if he actually listened to me and went away. Truthfully I’m not entirely certain what outcome I’m hoping for more.
“Absolutely. We’re running out of daylight anyway. Better to start again tomorrow.”
“Okay. Thanks, Dave.” I smile before quickly turning and heading back in the direction of my trailer.
—-
I pull into my driveway just after nine, my chest heavy and my mind racing a million miles a minute. I know I told Thad not to be there when I got back. Deep down I didn’t expect him to listen. Deep down I hoped he wouldn’t listen.
Why travel all this way to walk away after being told to leave once?
I kill the engine to my car and climb out, grabbing my phone and keys before closing the door with my hip. I double click the alarm button on my key ring causing my lights to flash and the horn to beep twice before making my way up the front steps.
I’m looking down at the keys in my hand, trying to find the one for the front door when a sudden awareness washes over me.
Darting my gaze upward, I stumble slightly when I catch sight of Thad sitting on my front step.
“Jesus you scared me.” I flatten my palm against my chest, pulling up just shy of where he’s sitting but not attempting to get any closer. “Why are you sitting out here in the dark?”
“You told me not to be in your trailer when you got back. You didn’t say anything about your house.”
“How did you get here?” I look around, seeing no other vehicles parked close by.
“I took a cab.” He shrugs, slowly standing. “Since I flew here I don’t have a car with me.”
“You flew?” I question.
He nods. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought.”
“How did you know where to find me?” I choose to move onto a more important question.
“Chris gave me your address.”
“Of course he did.” I huff, stomping past him onto the front porch. Finally locating my house key, I shove it into the lock and twist, pushing the door open moments later.
Thad follows me inside without being invited. He stands in the foyer, watching me flip on lights as I cross through the space, eventually stopping in the kitchen where I drop my stuff onto the counter.
I snag a water out of the fridge, taking a long drink before turning around to find Thad leaning in the doorway, his arms crossed in front of his chest.
“Yeah sure, come on in.” I throw my free hand up dramatically.
Thad’s eyes sweep over my face in a way that makes my heart beat faster in my chest.
“I almost forgot how beautiful you are,” he murmurs.
“Can we skip the part where you try to butter me up and just tell me why the hell you’re here?” I snip, shutting the refrigerator with so much force the whole thing shakes.
“I’m here because I miss you.”
“And...” I lean my back against the counter, crossing one ankle over the other like I couldn’t be less interested.
“And, I owe you an apology.”
“An apology?” I snort. “I’m sorry, Thad, but the time for apologies has long since passed.”
“I don’t believe that. It’s never too late to tell someone you hurt that you’re sorry.”
“And what exactly are you sorry for this time?” I bite, the anger I’ve tried so desperately to bury boiling to the surface. “For using me. For letting me fall in love with you? For breaking my heart? For being too scared to give us a chance? Or for fucking me and running out the door before I could even clean you off of me?”
“All of it.” His gaze holds mine, his stance not wavering. “I’m sorry for all of it.”
“Well there, you apologized. Do you feel better now?” I cross my arms in front of my chest.
“Not even close.” He pushes away from the door frame and takes two steps forward, close enough that my body goes tight but far enough away that I don’t feel at risk of toppling to the ground.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, Laken. I’ve hurt so many people. I never cared to do right by anyone. But then you came along and I so desperately wanted to protect you from me. So much so that I ended up hurting you even more in the long run. I’ve spent the last several months trying to prove to myself that I made the right choice. That walking away from you was what was best for us both. But it isn’t, Laken. You’ve never tried to change me. You don’t see my addiction, you see me. You tried telling me that once but I was too scared to listen. I’m not afraid anymore.”
“Too little too late, Thad.” I shake my head, holding my hand up when he takes another step closer.
“That night in the camper,” he continues like I didn’t even speak. “I lost control. I used you like you were some kind of drug. And it worked. At least in the moment. But after the high wore off I realized what I had done. The one thing I swore to myself I wouldn’t do I did. I used you like you meant nothing and then I ran away because you meant so much more than nothing and I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know how to compartmentalize the way I was feeling. I panicked and I ran and I am so fucking sorry, Laken.” He pauses for a brief moment, gauging my reaction. “I started seeing a therapist after that. She’s really helped me work through a lot of my issues and in doing so has opened my eyes to what I’ve been refusing to see all along. You aren’t just another addiction, Laken. You aren’t a drug. You are a beautiful, kind, talented woman who I’ve fallen madly in love with. The power you have over me, my addiction was the only thing I could compare it too. I had no other way to explain the way you made me feel. Like I was worthy of something I convinced myself I would never be worthy of. You loved me in spite of everything and I repaid that love by treating you like some random woman who meant nothing, when in reality you meant everything. You still mean everything.”
“I don’t know what you want from me right now,” I say, fighting past the lump in my throat.
“I want you to tell me it’s not too late. I want you to say I haven’t ruined this. I want you to agree to
give me the chance to love you the way I should have been loving you all along.”
“It’s not that easy,” I object, the truth of our situation hanging on the tip of my tongue and yet for the life of me I can’t force the words out.
“But it is. I’ve over complicated this and made issues where there weren’t any to begin with. I ran away because running is what I’ve always done. I ran away from my parents, from my responsibility, from getting the help I needed. And then I ran away from you, from the ranch, from everything we could have had together. I came here to tell you goodbye the right way last fall. I tried to be the good guy who let you go. But I never truly let you go. No matter how hard I ran, you were always right behind me, begging me to stop.” He takes another step, leaving less than a foot between us. “It’s taken me a long time to accept that I can’t live without you. Maybe that makes me a selfish bastard. So be it. Nothing matters more to me than making things right with you. And getting the chance we should have had all those months ago.”
“You live in Wyoming,” I start, ready to spit out any excuse I can think of.
I’ve waited for what feels like forever for him to say all of this to me but now that he is it feels too good to be true. I know that as soon as I let my guard down he’s going to find a way to hurt me again.
“I’ll move here,” he says without hesitation.
“You can’t just uproot your entire life,” I object.
“Why can’t I? There’s nothing in Wyoming for me. Wherever you are, that’s my home.”
“And your job?”
“I’ll find a new one. I’m sure they have mechanic jobs in North Carolina.”
“Thad, this is crazy. You can’t just show up here after all this time and expect me to believe you’re actually serious.”
“But I am, Laken. I’m dead serious. I love you. I’m so in love with you it’s hard to fucking breathe sometimes.”
“You hurt me so bad.” I choke on the words, tears forming behind my eyes.
Force of Nature Page 22
