by J. L. Beck
“How have your memories been?” she asked calmly as if she were analyzing me. She had gotten over her fear faster than I thought she would. Now she was more open and daring about the answers she wanted. I didn’t want to answer her. She didn’t need to know the memories had been coming at me from all angles every single night this past week, and how talking to her was just causing more of them to resurface.
“I have a question for you. Why the fuck did you sign up to do this?” I glared at her. There was more to the story than she was letting on. I knew she could at least go home and back to her normal life. Gauge had ways of keeping someone like her quiet. Her reason for being here wasn’t that she had to be...
Her eyes refused to meet mine as they moved everywhere but to my face. Oh, fuck yes. There was definitely something going on below the surface.
“I didn’t sign up for anything,” she mumbled. Her cheeks warmed as if in embarrassment. What did she have to be embarrassed about?
“Then why are you still here?” I seethed, allowing a mask of anger to fall upon my face. I hated it when people felt as if they could lie to me. This was the problem with trusting people like her. You couldn’t.
“First, it’s not as if I really want to be here.” She held up one finger signaling that there were a number of excuses coming my way. “Secondly, I can’t leave…” She hid her face behind her long brown hair. I hated when people failed to make eye contact. Even more, I hated how she refused to meet my eyes. Sometimes, all it took was one look for me to understand.
“What else? There can’t just be two fucking reasons as to why you can’t leave…” I growled in frustration. Yammering about nothing did me no good. I didn’t want to be around her, and I definitely didn’t want to have to talk to her.
“Diesel, when did you—” Her voice stopped, her eyes growing the size of saucers as her mind registered her mistake.
Diesel.
I had heard that name before. It was one often said in my dreams. The doe-eyed girl who was smiling, her face full of happiness, always said it.
“Who is he?” I asked urgently, now knowing Maggie was the key to finding out who Diesel was.
“Who is who?” she asked innocently. Did she think I was fucking stupid? Did she think I never cared to pay attention to the things said around me? I might have been quiet and anti-social, but I knew all that was said. In less than a second, I reached out and gripped her hard by the wrist.
“Do you think I’m stupid? Who is he?” My voice was mangled. I was on the verge of falling off the fucking cliff… into the deep darkness of void matter. I could feel my eyes growing black. I gripped at the table with my free hand. I needed something to hold me to the current world.
“I don’t think you’re stupid…” She stuttered over her words, fear overriding every other emotion in her body. I could practically see her running for the door, her fear rising, its smell so strong I could taste it.
“You do…” I growled. I was positive she was going to run—I mean, it would’ve been the logical thing to do. Instead, she looked at me, the fear dissipating into something else, something intense and raw. It wasn’t love, but it wasn’t hate. It was a balance between love and hate for herself. What I didn’t understand was why?
“No… No, I… “She paused looking around carefully. “I don’t think you’re stupid, not in the least bit. I just think you ask questions you don’t want the answers to.” Her voice was soft and quiet.
My grip on the table slacked, but only for a second, before an image appeared in my mind. A dress, it was soft and shiny. It sparkled in the light.
“No…” I yelled my voice rising. A low whining formed in my head, and I could feel the current time slipping away as a past I didn’t remember flooded my thoughts.
“Hey… what’s the matter?” I watched as Maggie’s face filled with panic. Her image blurred out… and before me formed a new one. One of the past. One that would hopefully tell me who Diesel was.
I kicked the rocks in the driveway of my parent’s house. I hated them. The way they begged me to carry on with my life. Hell, I hated everyone. Everyone except Maggie. She was tolerable, or at least that’s what I told myself. I wasn’t man enough to admit I truly loved her. One would assume I did, considering everything I did for her. I looked up from the ground, my eyes gliding across the farmhouse as I tried to figure out if I should go to her or not.
I don’t know how many times I told her not to go. That was one thing about Maggie that drew me to her. She was a rebel, living every moment for what it was worth, and she wasn’t even the one dying.
Once I got my hands on her, her ass was going to be grass. I could still feel the bruises against my ribs and the blood dripping from my nose. I wanted to be tough, even strong for her—but the truth was, I wasn’t. I was weak and the cancer slowly destroying me from the inside out made me that way. It didn’t matter though…
But it did, a little voice always said.
“Fuck it,” I grumbled into the night air as I got into my car and headed into town. I gripped the steering wheel as if it were an extension of my own body. Like it could hold me to the ground for the time being.
The drive was short, even though it felt like an eternity, as I pulled into the parking lot. She had watched me get my ass handed to me, yet here she was playing this game with me. Was this a copout for me to admit my feelings to her? She knew we were both alone in this, and eventually, she would be left behind.
I gripped the wheel harder. Stupid, that’s what she fucking was. Stupid and reckless, and… I couldn’t force the words from my mouth, but it was right there on the tip of my tongue.
She was beautiful.
It didn’t matter what way I tried to unravel it, everything would come back to her and me. There was no fighting something hell bent on happening. I opened my car door and slammed it shut with a push of my hand. My body still ached from the beating as I wormed my way through the parking lot. There were cars everywhere. It was no fucking wonder I never wanted to go to one of these functions. Too many people and too much wasted time.
I knew where they had one of the doors unlocked. So instead of heading for the entrance, I headed to the back and up the stairs to the second story greenhouse building that lead right into the school. I had taken Maggie up there once. It was my go-to place when I was feeling alone or needed time to myself.
I pulled my phone out and looked down at the text again. She hadn’t sent it more than fifteen minutes ago. It was a standard and straight to the point Maggie text.
Mags: I don’t like it here…
That was all it said. I read it over again for good measure before heading toward the doors that were located at the back of the gym. It was on that stroll to get Maggie that I heard a scream followed by male voices. I knew better than to be caught up in any more problems. I was beaten, I was bruised, and I had absolutely no reason to be playing the hero. Yet, something told me I needed to make sure it was all okay.
I headed in the direction of the scream and came to a standstill when my eyes landed on Roger leaning over Maggie on a table. She was pawing at one of his hands that were securing her arms while he wrapped his other hand around her mouth. Tears fell from her eyes… She thought this was the end for her. Her eyes connected with mine, and I could see the overwhelming surge of relief that formed inside her at seeing me.
“Oh, did you come to join, Diesel?” Roger asked as he followed Maggie’s line of sight. “I think there is room for two. I’ll take the pussy, you take the ass… After all, I know how much you love it in the ass. So you should have no problem taking hers.” He smirked, and I could no longer stop myself from reaching out and landing a blow against his cheek. He released Maggie to catch himself on one of the tables. How had the teachers allowed this to happen? They knew what they had done to Maggie. Roger and his little gang. I had told them. I had witnessed it. I had taken the pain for her on countless occasions. Yet somehow, someway, they had let this asshole get her a
ll alone.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” I questioned as my fist landed against his face. Not giving him a chance to answer me, I hit him again as he tried to regain his balance. I didn’t need him to answer me. I didn’t want to know who he thought he was. He was dirt beneath my feet to me—and to Maggie.
He fell to the floor, tripping over his own feet. I could hear Maggie’s muffled cries as she jumped off the table, tugging on her dress…
Maggie.
Maggie. I took a deep breath, my eyes popping open.
“Maggie,” I said the name aloud just to make sure I had heard it correctly.
“I’m right here.” Her voice was a faint whisper. My mind surged back to the present, but one word lingered there right in the void between the current and the past.
Maggie.
Was this Maggie the same Maggie from my past? And if so, why hadn’t the name triggered something inside of me by now? Better yet, what was it Maggie knew that she wasn’t telling me? If she were here, then she was pretending not to know me… and for some reason, it bothered me because if she were here on different terms, then that would put a target on her back.
A target I would be forced to take out.
twelve
MAGGIE
THE MEMORIES OF my past were a living, breathing nightmare. Watching Killer suffer in agony over the same past that haunted me hurt. The fact he couldn’t remember the very things that we had gone through was another blow to my already broken heart. All the bullying Roger had put us through, the hateful things said and done, the kisses, and the stolen looks… all the things I would’ve called my very reason for existing back then.
I triggered something in him when Diesel slipped past my lips instead of Killer. Another memory. I could see it spiraling out of control. He was free falling into open waters.
Once he remembered everything, would he even look at me the same way? After all, I had been working for the very man who beat him up numerous times. The same man who had almost taken my virtue.
I thought my life was hell before Diesel—it was worse once he was gone. Fear lived inside of me every minute of the day. I lived for those seconds when school ended and I could go home. Not that it was safe there either. Eventually, Roger weaseled his way into every aspect of my life. With Diesel gone and no one to protect me, they took advantage of me. I could still remember my prayers for the pain to end.
“Maggie.” I heard my name being called, and I moved from my slouched back position to a sitting position. Three weeks had passed. Killer was much the same, minus the way he watched me. He would look at me differently, every so often staring when he didn’t think I was paying attention.
“Gauge.” I greeted him much as he greeted me. Cold and to the point. It was evident I wasn’t here to make friends. Still, it would’ve been nice to have been greeted like a human.
“I need some kind of idea of how Killer is doing with his memories. I know he hasn’t had any real outbursts or anything lately, but that doesn’t mean something fucked up isn’t going on inside his head.” Gauge wanted reassurance as if I could offer it to him. I couldn’t. There was no telling when Killer would snap next or who his next target was.
“Here’s an idea—it’s not working.” I slammed my fist onto the table. “He doesn’t care to talk about the past. He doesn’t talk about the memories even though I’m in most of them. He doesn’t even realize it’s me who he’s talking to. He’s not getting any closer to remembering. If anything, he’s getting closer to blowing up again.” I heaved in a big breath. “And I think he hates this place.” It was the truth. He looked at everything, including this place as if it were a piece of shit.
Gauge paced the room for a short time as he scratched at his beard. Once I was sure he had walked a hole in the floor, he stopped and looked me straight in the eyes. He watched me the same way Killer did… except his stare was less calculating, less ‘I want to snap your neck in twenty different ways.’
In a way, it was heartwarming, just because I was so used to being looked at as prey. This made me laugh a little bit. Diesel had never looked at me like Killer did. It was as if they were two different extensions of the same person.
“What if you leave this place?” I almost jumped for joy. Gauge must’ve seen my excitement because he rephrased what he said. “With Killer that is. Leave this place and go to the park or dinner. Do something normal that gives him a chance to open up his mind.” He was set in stone about his idea while I was hesitant, to say the least.
“I have been missing for almost five weeks, Gauge. People are looking for me. I mean, at the very least, my best friend is. We shouldn’t leave, as tempting as it is to me. If someone sees us—him or me, then it’s over.” I was sure of it, and the last thing I wanted was to be caught and smuggled to some island with an angry Killer. Diesel... yes. Killer, meh... I was on the fence with him.
Gauge eyed me before leaning over the small wooden table. My pulse jumped as he smelled the air around me.
“Are you aroused?” he questioned me. Did this fucker trip and hit his head somewhere? Me, aroused? By him? Yeah, I don’t think so.
“No, I’m not, and I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop…” I paused, unsure of what it was that he was doing exactly.
“Sensing you. Reading you. You think we don’t know shit about you. You think we don’t have dirt on you to keep you here? If that’s what you think, then run. We’ll find you, and we’ll drag you back here. You’re Killer’s emotional trigger. You can bring him back from the abyss. You knew him when he was human, and you’re the only one who can help us. As far as people looking for you… guess you better stay out of their sight then.” I wanted to laugh in his face. After five weeks of being here, my sense of humor had to be off. I couldn’t tell what was funny and what wasn’t.
“Do you hear yourself? You want me to help you, but yet you talk and treat me like this? What is it you have on me? What are you going to tell Killer to make him hate me more than he already does?” A dull ache formed in my chest at those very words. Oh, how I loathed them.
“You will do it because if you don’t, we will tell him who it is you work for. I will tell every single person in this building, and they will rip you to shreds. You’re the only revenge within grabbing distance. Could you handle your skin being ripped from your bones? Your screams echoing in your mind as they inflicted unimaginable pain on you?” The venom behind his words stung. I had never looked at myself as the enemy. I had never thought of what they could do. What they would do if they knew who I worked for.
“Why do you want him to remember so badly? How does it benefit you? Better yet, how do I know you won’t kill me once he does remember?” I narrowed my eyes in questioning. His mouth snapped shut, his eyes growing angry. I had been here long enough without answers. They wanted me to do this and do that but refused to let me know the truth behind their desires.
“We want him sane. We want to be able to let him leave this place and know that he won’t leave a slew of bodies in his wake. He kills people, Maggie. That’s how he deals with the memories—and the pain. Remember that if you decide to cross him, or even me, all it takes is one word, one single word, and I will exploit you to the entire building, fucking up your very existence. Then we won’t have to worry about what will happen to you when this is all over and done with because it will be taken care of.”
He smiled a sickening smile, one that had my breakfast churning in my stomach. If Killer discovered who I was before I could get to PGI Corp, then there would be no point in trying to leave He loved the Maggie he knew just like I loved the Diesel I once knew. We both were two very different people now.
“I’m going to get the paperwork issued and let the guards know you’re allowed to leave of your own free will—with Killer in tow at all times, though,” Gauge warned me, shoving from the table and exiting the room.
I stayed seated not wanting to move from my chair. I needed to let what he had said
sink in. Eventually, I found my bearings and headed for the door. I needed to go to Diesel and let him know there was a change in plans. I had just stood up when the door whipped open, almost coming off its hinges. Wood smacked against the brick wall as it cracked down the middle. My heart was beating against my chest as two black booted feet came into my line of sight. My eyes inched their way up his body, over the black cargo pants to his firm stomach, and over his well-defined chest covered in a black fitted t-shirt. His muscles bulged against the fabric as he crossed his arms in front of me, blocking my exit from the room. I was scared... but at the same time, I could taste the danger on my tongue as it swirled in the air.
My eyes landed on his almost black ones. He narrowed his eyes at me, walking into the room and into my space.
“You think I don’t know what you’re up to?” His voice was gruff.
“I’m up to nothing. I just want to know what was so urgent you had to break down the fucking door.” My eyebrows shot up as I peered at the door. He took another step forward, and I watched the knuckles of his hands grow white. I could feel the energy of whatever it was that was making him angry around me. It rolled off him in waves, each one threatening to knock me down.
“I know something is going on…” He leaned into me, his nose almost touching mine. It was times like these when I lost the image of who Diesel truly was. His hand rose as he pressed a finger into the side of his head. “I can feel it in here. I can feel the crumbling of my mind. I can feel the memories resurfacing, and I think—” His voice cut off as he looked at me as if he were astounded by what he was about to say.
“I think I know you…” He narrowed his eyes taking in a deep breath of air. My chest constricted, sweat formed on my hands, and my stomach dropped. He couldn’t know. He couldn’t find out. Gauge had told me he would need the antidote to remember me or anything else from his past. The therapy was just a fluke to see if the memories would actually trigger him to come back to the present.
