by J. L. Beck
Gauge shot me a warning look as he walked away leaving us with one another. The guys around the room stared for a short time watching to see what I would do next. To everyone here, I was the ticking time bomb. No one knew when a memory was going to hit me, or when I was going to go off the rails in a blaze of fury.
Maggie took a step back until she was against the far wall. From there she slid down it, sitting with her back against it. I followed suit, making sure there was distance between us. I didn’t like people touching me. More than that, I needed distance between us. My mind was racing, and there was nothing stopping me from taking her now.
“Why did you try to kill me?” Maggie asked behind a shield of dark hair. Her question startled me, yet at the same time, it humored me. I wanted to laugh. That was her opening question? I suppose she deserved an answer.
“I didn’t try to kill you. I tried to kill your friend. You got in the way. I was already too far gone to stop, so…” I trailed off. I didn’t know what else to say.
“Then why did you stop?” She looked up at me this time, her own eyes holding heat that I hadn’t seen before. Her body was small… Almost too small. She was wearing a light gray shirt and a pair of black jeans. Not what I remembered her wearing the last time I saw her, which only meant someone had gotten her some clean clothes from somewhere.
There was no saying what she looked like underneath it all. My body reacted to the thought though. My cock grew hard at the mere thought of stripping her bare and fucking her until she screamed—until her body withered beneath mine until she begged me to stop.
“I don’t know...” I growled. I knew why I had stopped, but I wasn’t going to tell her why. I didn’t trust her. I never would. Trusting humans was one of the most senseless choices I, or any of the other guys in this room, had ever made. To trust was to put your life in someone else’s hands. I had done that once before and look where it got me.
“Oh, I thought maybe it had something to do with a conscience or something.” Her tone was all smartass as she smiled. When I didn’t return the smile, it slipped from her face. Did she think this was a joke? I could feel my blood boiling with the need to feel the warmth from her blood covering my body. Coating me in slickness, covering all the memories that I wanted to leave me.
“Maggie…” I said her name as softly as I could, staring deeply into her eyes. I forced my hands to my sides afraid if I touched her, I would hurt her. “You need to be aware of something. No one in this room has a conscience. Every single person would gladly snap your neck. We don’t care for humans. We don’t care for those who watched idly as we suffered.”
Emotions swarmed her and tears formed in her eyes. I wanted to howl. Tears. They were weakness leaving the body. They were proof of heartache, of pain—somethingI could no longer experience.
“I never did those things…” Her voice hitched, which showed further why this whole deal with Gauge wouldn’t work. She was human, and I wasn’t. Her emotions were real, her feelings real. My anger and madness would destroy her.
“It doesn’t matter…” I leaned into her space causing her chest to rise and fall fast. The spike in her pulse showed fear… Good. “The fact that you bleed and are of flesh and bone as they are, and your mind works the same way—the fact that you probably knew and did nothing to help it…” I leaned in even closer, my nails digging into my hand painfully to remind me that touching her wasn’t ideal.
Her chest heaved another breath, and I smiled. I was a sick fuck getting off on her sadness and fear. “If I knew, I wouldn’t have let it happen…” she mumbled. I could feel the prying eyes of others on us.
“You would have because you’re just like them. If you and your friend had left me alone, you wouldn’t even be in this mess right now… You would be carrying on with your lives without a care in the world, uncaring of those who were being worked on like guinea fucking pigs.”
Another tear fell from her eye. I wanted to reach out and smash the droplet. Make it nonexistent. In the same instant though, I wanted to lick it, to taste the saltiness that was she on my tongue.
“I’m truly sorry.” She apologized as if she knew what she was saying sorry for, as if her apology would make up for all those who had suffered. She knew nothing, and I wanted to wipe the floor with her pathetic apology.
“Then prove it….” I growled, unaware of why I said that. What could she prove to me? She had nothing I wanted.
“How—” she stuttered. “How do you want me to prove it to you?” Her chin was held high and her eyes narrowed at me as if she knew what I was getting at.
“I can’t tell you how to prove it. All I can tell you is you have put me through the ringer in the last forty-eight hours. You caused my mind to go crazy… If you had died…” I leaned into her body, taking in her scent. It filled my nostrils causing something in my mind to snap. “If you had died, it wouldn’t have hurt me. It wouldn’t have caused me any pain. I would’ve looked at you like I did the man who I had killed the night before. When I told you to leave me alone…”
Something happened inside my head. Pain radiated through me as I gripped at my scalp. The memory came out of nowhere, forcing the air from my lungs.
“I tried to make them stop…” Her voice was so broken. Shock and horror were written all over her face. There was nothing she could do that would change their behavior. They didn’t understand why they hated her or me.
“Shhh, it’s okay.” I rubbed a hand through her hair and down her back. The things they had done to us both… I needed to learn to let go of my hate for them. I was close to meeting my maker, and I didn’t want to take that to my grave.
“It’s not okay. It’s not okay because we’re human, too. We have feelings…” Her tears seeped into my t-shirt as I took every fear she had away.
“I know, but we’re better than they are. We’re different.”
When I opened my eyes, Maggie was hovering over me, her small hand on my arm, concern etched into every contour of her face.
“Are you okay?” she asked her voice meek and laced with fear. She had no clue. I wanted to sneer at her, to smack her hand away. I wanted to blame her for the memories, but I knew it wasn’t her fault. Deep down under the blackness that was pumped into me laid a heart, a muscle I hadn’t used in forever. I could feel the blood rushing to it. Every memory was bringing me that much closer to humanity.
“I’m fine,” I muttered as I sat up. With every memory came a weakness. A weakness to give into what my body wanted. To remember. To me, it wasn’t that easy. With the memories would come the past, and though I would never admit it vocally, I had a fear far greater than the memories. I had a fear of finding out who the girl was and then realizing she was no longer here, and slipping back into the person I was made to be.
The memories didn’t haunt me. I wasn’t angry because of them. I was angry for what they represented.
My past—my future.
ten
MAGGIE
HIS WORDS HIT me like a ton of bricks. I stared at him in awe. How could he be so mean, so hateful? I would’ve looked at you like I did the man who I had killed the night before. How could he think that killing someone was okay?
I wanted to reach out and grab him, to shake some sense into him. Now more than ever I wished the memories would come to the surface.
“Do you—” I paused watching his eyes grow darker. I was positive talking wasn’t anything he wanted to do. When he looked at me, I saw two things in his eyes. He either felt rage for me or he wanted to fuck me, and I wouldn’t allow that to happen. At least not in this place, and not while he was this person—this person I didn’t know.
“Do I what?” he responded gruffly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I knew something had hit him. The faraway look in his eyes gave it away. It was as if he was here, but his mind wasn’t. He was reliving the past in great detail. For some reason, it made me want to know what parts of his memory were resurfacing. If they were
parts of us… memories of things we used to do. Memories of what had happened between us.
“Talk about what?” he scoffed. His fists clenched and unclenched. Right off the bat, I had gathered what his triggers were. He didn’t like being asked questions or talking about things that could trigger a feeling or an emotion.
Somewhere, somehow, I had gotten balls. I narrowed my eyes at him and crossed my arms over my chest. “Don’t play dumb with me…” He smirked at my tone, his tongue darting out to wet his perfect bottom lip before speaking.
“Did you just threaten me?” He tilted his head sideways at me as he moved closer. My stomach filled with knots. Had I made the mistake of getting smart with him? Would he snap my neck right here, right now? Would anyone be able to get to me in time? The walls felt as if they were closing in on me.
“I just want you to talk about your feelings, the memories. I’m only doing what Gauge told me to do.” I wanted to scream the words at him, to shine a light on him, and make him understand.
“What you don’t get….” He leaned into me, his eyes glazed over and with no caring nature. Whatever the memory was, it had done nothing to bring him closer to humanity. His fist clenched as he brought his hand closer to my face. I could see the hugeness of it, the callousness of his rough skin in comparison to my own, and the desire in his eyes to reach out and grip me.
“What you don’t get,” he repeated, “is that I could very well snap your neck. I could kill you before a scream ever escaped those plump lips. I could cause you so much pain and agony you would wish for me to kill you. I could—” He paused again, unclenching his fist, and then clenching it slowly in front of my face. He was showing me what he could do with his hands… the damage he could cause.
It’s a warning.
“I could destroy you with one flick of my wrist. I could bring your very existence to an end. You should feel very lucky to have even had the chance to breathe the same air as me.” His voice was a growl that caused shivers to ripple across my skin.
“This isn’t how this is going to work.” I was annoyed. I was more than annoyed. I was pissed off. This man, the man I had spent years craving and mourning over, turned out to be an inhumane asshole. I felt nothing for him when he talked this way.
“Oh, but it is, you see, I don’t have to do this. I had more than one option, and the way it’s looking right now, option two sounds much better.”
I bit my own lip stifling the remark I wanted to make. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t allow him to keep treating me this way. His only way of hurting others was through fear, threats, and his words. Violence being his only form of communication.
“I think we’re done for the day…” I murmured getting up from my sitting position. I didn’t even look over to see what Killer would do. There was no reason for me to do so. Yet, as I stood, so did he.
I was taken back as I felt his hand dig into the soft flesh of my shoulder. He leaned into me and began to whisper. “You can’t change me. They have been trying for months to get me to talk, to release my emotions. If you think you can do any better than them, you’re just as naïve.” With every word, I felt his fingers sink deeper and deeper into my flesh. I wanted to scream, to cry out in pain. But I didn’t. I knew it was what he wanted. He wanted to feel my pain, to know I was afraid and cowering because of him.
Instead of doing either of those things, I buried the pain. I forced myself to look straight into his eyes and smile. It was that smile that would crumble him. It would bring him to his knees. He could say all he wanted how this was about the differences between the two of us, but in the end, it wasn’t.
It was about him letting the memories come. He was afraid more than anything. The fear would eat him alive if he allowed it to do so.
With a shove that had me off kilter, he released me and made his way out of the arena like a bat out of hell.
He’s scared.
He’s afraid.
He just wants to be saved.
I told myself those things over and over again. As I walked down the hallway, as I ate my dinner, and as I sat on the bed they had provided me—and when I laid down that night and closed my eyes, it was images of him that haunted me. Memories surfaced and I was unable to push them away.
“Prom is tomorrow.” I tried to sound nonchalant about it, but in reality, I wanted him to go with me. I knew he was sick and that it was risky being around everyone all at once. But I wanted him to be a high school student for once. To be able to dance under the stars, and to be happy.
“Mags, I won’t go. It has nothing to do with you and you know it.” That was my final time asking. If I asked anymore, he would lose it, and when that happened, we could go days without talking. Often he lost his temper. He never hurt me, but I had seen him hurt others. It scared me sometimes while other times it caused a zing to run through me.
“I know.” I pouted. “I just wanted one ordinary night. One day where we could just go and be us.”
“That will never happen…” He sounded like he didn’t care, and it was times like this that I didn’t like. When he was at the point of helplessness. When he was close to breaking.
“You’re a pretender, Diesel. Of course, it will happen. It happens every day. So what? You’re dying. Live for today, live for tomorrow, but never, I mean never try to say it won’t happen. It’s happening right now. You’re breathing and that in itself is normal.” I didn’t want to yell, but I couldn’t hold back my anger.
I heard his deep inhale and exhale, and a shiver ran through me as he stood and walked over from his chair. He stopped right in front of me, his face full of aggression. When his hand came up to the side of my cheek, I shied away. He gripped my chin hard, pulling my face into his.
His breath blew softly across my cheeks. “I’m not a pretender. I’m a realist. Someone who only wants to protect you. Everything I do, Mags, I do for your own good.” His lips pressed against my forehead hard as if he were trying to force his anger out in that one singular gesture.
“Protecting me would be going with me. It would be allowing us to have that one moment. It would be giving yourself a chance to let your guard down. To be free of everything. We could—” I didn’t get to finish my sentence because his hand covered my mouth as he pushed me backward. The air escaped my lungs as I landed with a thud against the brick wall.
“If she comes tomorrow, I say we run her out of there in tears.” I could hear one voice say but couldn’t place who was saying it. Diesel moved us, pushing us further into the dark corner of the art room.
“I not only say that, but we rip her dress and get a little action. I have wanted to see her goods since freshman year.” I knew that voice. I gasped against Diesel’s hand in astonishment. Even in the darkness, I could see the ‘I told you so’ look marring his face.
“I agree. Her tits are huge… Makes me wonder if they’re even real,” the other voice said as they moved over to the art supply room. I desperately wanted to speak out against them. To tell them just how wrong all the things they were saying and planning on doing were.
“Wherever Mrs. Jane said the supplies were, she was wrong. I can’t find fucking shit in here,” Roger said, wandering out of the supply room and back over to the table where Diesel and I had been sitting. He stared at it for a long time before glancing around the room. I knew he couldn’t see us in the corner where there was no light. There was no way, yet with his prying eyes on us, I felt anything but safe.
“Is it me or does it look like someone was here?” Roger mocked, looking around the room again as if at any point in time someone would jump out and get him.
His friend, who I was finally able to see, was no other than Monty James. He plucked the paper Diesel had been working on right off the table.
“Name on the top says Diesel,” Monty said to Roger before crumbling the piece of paper up. I shook in fear. I know it was wrong to be scared, to not stand up to them, but there was nothing that could be done.
“I’m going to go out there and get them to leave. Stay here, please.” Diesel’s voice pleaded with me as he whispered before pulling away from me. The warmth left my body as I watched him step away and into the light.
“And there he is…” Roger sounded overjoyed. His happiness felt like a cold bucket of water being doused on me.
“Just leave. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that bullying me will get you nowhere. Who bullies someone who is dying? And when did it become okay to do this?” Diesel was trying to reason with him. He always tried, but it never did him any good. The look in Roger’s eyes told me his words meant nothing.
“Leave? That would be doing something you want. No one ever believes you when you tell them what we do.” Roger shrugged, growing closer to Diesel. I wanted to escape the dark corner and go save him, but I knew he would never forgive me.
“Go. Get away from me.” I could feel the tension filling the room. The anger in Diesel’s voice scared me, forcing me to stay frozen in place.
“Ahhh, are you the big bad wolf?” Both the boys laughed. Then Roger did something I never saw coming. He lunged at Diesel, his fist landing against Diesel’s head. With the sickness already causing him weakness, he fell to the floor where they both jumped him. I forced a hand over my mouth to stifle my screams as he faced me, his eyes telling me not to move. Minutes passed as the sound of bone hitting skin filled the room while blood dripped to the floor. Every crimson drop reminded me how much I truly hated these people.
Once they were done beating the shit out of him, I scurried to the corner and held Diesel on the floor, allowing tears to fall from my eyes. I understood what he meant now. I was scared, too. I was so fucking scared, and when Diesel was gone, I wondered if I would be able to hold on. I was scared of a life without him more than I feared anything else.
eleven
KILLER
EVERY DAY FOR the past week was the same. Maggie and I would meet up every evening in the arena. We would argue going back and forth about my so-called shit behavior. She would try to invoke an emotion inside of me other than anger, but it never worked. I was either really fucking turned on around her or I was pissed off.
