by J. L. Beck
“I didn’t say you were an asshole for protecting me, but when does it end? When you’re dead? When I’m forced to do it on my own? In case you forgot, you’re dying. You’re going to leave me here all alone…” I stifled the tears that wanted to pour from my eyes like rain. “When you die…” I took a deep breath, my chest aching, “I will be forced to move on with my life. I will be forced to do this alone, and I don’t want to wait until then.” I could feel the mask slipping from my face. The space inside the car was growing smaller and smaller like a box collapsing in on itself.
“Jesus, Maggie.” Diesel’s voice filled the space, commanding my attention. I turned to him, looking at him through my tears. My heart was breaking, my mind was a mess, and yet there was no one else I would rather have lost my shit in front of than him.
“Do you not think those very thoughts don’t cross my mind every minute of every day? That one day I’ll be dead, and all you will have left of me is a memory?” He slammed his fist down on the dash. “Do you think I like knowing we love one another, but showing that emotion isn’t worth it?” The words were pouring from his mouth, and for the first time in forever, I was startled into shock.
He turned, his eyes bleeding into my own. In them, I saw compassion, love, and fear. “If you think for one second it’s the cancer that is going to kill me, you’re wrong.” I turned in my seat, not wanting to hear it anymore. I knew what he was going to say. I could feel it in my bones—in my soul.
“Look at me, damn it,” he yelled. I couldn’t contain the pain anymore. I opened the car door, leaving the car to get some air. The second I slammed the door behind me, I started walking away from the car. Not even a second later, I heard his door open. Did I really want to hear him say it? Could I even stand to hear the words?
“Run. Do it. Because that’s what I have been trying to do this whole fucking time.” He growled, taking huge steps toward me. His hand reached out gripping my arm and freezing me into place. He was my weakness, the very thing that made me tick. How cruel of a god it was to take the one thing that caused my heart to beat?
“If you think this cancer is killing me, you’re wrong…” Water droplets fell from the sky landing on us and it was as if the heavens were finally crying as if they could feel our pain. His breath was warm against my face as he caressed my cheeks with the palms of his hands.
“It isn’t the cancer that’s killing me. It’s loving you. It’s how I know that no matter how much I try to fight it, it will never go away. Knowing someday I won’t be here anymore for you and knowing I love you with every fucking fiber of who I am and will never be able to move forward with you. I will never get to be a husband, a father…” I pushed him away, my heart breaking with every word he said.
“Stop!!” I screamed. I didn’t want to hear it anymore. I shoved him away, but he held onto me, not letting me go.
“No, you stop. Stop fighting this, us. I have for so long… I have pushed it and you away for so long and there’s no more denying it.” I licked my lips and tipped my head back looking up at the sky. The rain continued to fall, covering our bodies. As much as I wanted to run, to hide, to let the pain evaporate into nothing, I couldn’t. Something was holding me in place.
Diesel.
“I love you,” he whispered. I couldn’t even get a response in before his lips clashed with my own. In that kiss was everything he had never said to me before. His lips were harsh against mine as he placed one hand on my hip and used the other to tip my chin up. I could feel nothing but his love, his feelings, and him. He was everywhere.
His hands were all over me as he lifted me up, my legs wrapping around him instantly. Diesel walked us back toward the car, our lips never leaving one another’s. My ass landed on the warm hood as I fought to suppress a moan. The heat against my cold skin was heaven.
“I want you. I have wanted you since you tried to stop Roger from bullying me on the bus.” He shoved a piece of my hair behind my ear as he pressed his forehead against my own. I wanted him, too. Never had I wanted anything more, and even though I wanted to give in, I wasn’t sure it was the right thing.
“I want you, too…”
“I can see it in your eyes. You’re over thinking this. Yes, I’m dying, but you have known it this entire time. You had known it before your feelings changed into more, yet you didn’t care.”
I heard every word he spoke as if they were my own. He was right. I didn’t care about him dying. If anything, it only made my love for him run deeper.
We had this very second, and I realized right then it wasn’t worth it to fight it. It wasn’t worth it to let the time go to waste. We had today. We could worry about tomorrow when it came.
He must’ve seen something in my eyes. It was in the next instance, my dress was being pushed up. Passion filled me as I watched him shove my panties down. He wanted me just as much as I wanted him.
“I’ll try to be gentle.” He laid a soft kiss on my shoulder as he pushed the top of my dress down, revealing my breasts. I smiled, staring up at the sky. The rain was cold against my skin, but it told me something—it told me I was alive.
“Don’t try to be gentle, don’t be anything less than what you are. I want you, Diesel. I want every single part of you.” My voice was so soft, I wasn’t sure it was my own. He smiled, placing a hard kiss against my lips. With a flick of his fingers, he unbuttoned his pants and pushed down his underwear.
“Maggie…” He sighed as he said my name and slipped his hand between my legs. I could feel his fingers trailing up my inner thigh as he slipped one into my hot core. I tensed as the invasion was foreign. “I will always remember this moment with you. I will never forget you, or what you gave me.” He stroked me softly and slowly, allowing me to grow accustomed to his finger before adding another. With every shove and push of his fingers, I could feel myself growing hot all over, the warmth deep in my belly spreading.
“It feels so good,” I cried out, letting him know whatever he was doing was working. I had never felt so free in my entire life.
“You feel so good, come for me. Let go so I can watch you come for me,” he whispered. His words were my undoing. My toes curled, stars flashed before my eyes, and it was as if I were feeling everything for the first time. His hands, his mouth, the warmth of his skin, the rain droplets… everything.
His fingers pulled out of me, and I opened my eyes, peering up at him as he reached into his back pocket. “Did you think you were going to get lucky?” I joked, watching him pull a condom from his wallet. He flashed me a soft smile as he ripped the package open with his teeth.
“I’m dying, I’m not dead.” I would’ve laughed at his comment had my eyes not locked on his cock. It was large, larger than anything I had ever seen. I clamped up right then and there, unsure of how this was going to work. His fingers hadn’t hurt, but his fingers didn’t look like that.
“Shhh… it’s going to be okay. I’ll enter you slowly. You tell me if it hurts, okay?” He tried to soothe my nervousness with calming words, but the more I stared at his cock, the more tense I grew.
He rolled the condom on and then pulled my ass to the edge of the hood as he centered himself at my entrance. This wasn’t how I had ever pictured losing my virginity, but it was with Diesel, and to me, that was more than perfect.
“Ready?” he asked, hunger glittering in his eyes. I nodded my head yes, smiling. The smile fell the second he pushed the head in. There was a sting of pain, the feeling of being ripped in half.
“I can’t…” I cried out, taking a deep breath. He stopped me from turning away from him by cupping the side of my face and pulling it more into his.
“You can, I got you.” His voice was sincere. Sweat coated his brow, and I knew he was holding back. He was straining not to slam into me.
“Okay…” I mumbled against his cheek allowing him to push in more. In one swift movement, he was in. Burning spread through my core and the overwhelming pressure of fullness. My chest constricted,
a heaviness filling it.
Deep breaths. I told myself this as he stroked my hair.
“Are you okay?” he asked. I nodded my head yes again as tears sprung from my eyes and mixed with the rain. He waited a few minutes before pulling out and pushing back in. Pain spread through my core, but I gritted my teeth telling myself the pain was a good thing. It was a memory of Diesel I wouldn’t just remember, but I would have felt it.
“So fucking good…” he growled, peppering kisses across my chest. My body ached, and I knew I wasn’t going to get anything from this.
“Please tell me you’re almost there…” I cried out in pain.
“Almost baby, almost…” he cried out, holding my body tight to his. I could feel his heartbeat rise, his cock growing and pulsing inside of me. The feeling was exhilarating, and that alone pushed the discomfort to the back of my mind. Never in my life had I thought I would have a moment as beautiful as this one.
“I love you…” The words fell from my lips like a whisper.
Raindrops fell from Diesel’s hair as he stared down at me. “You’re my reason for breathing, my life.”
fifteen
KILLER
FUCK. THAT ONE single word bounced off the walls inside of my head. An overbearing sense of heaviness flowed through my arms and legs as the echoes from that word caused me to stir awake. My mouth was as dry as cotton, and as I tried to swirl my tongue around to produce saliva, I could hear the rattling of chains and the smell… what was that smell?
Somehow, I knew that smell. Clean, sterilized, with a lingering hint of alcohol. Like a doctor’s office but ten times worse.
Memories floated back into my mind. I was chasing after Maggie. I had cornered her… Maggie. My chest constricted as I tried to sit up. I forced my eyelids open not wanting to look, but knowing where I was before I even saw the dim glow of the overhead lights.
“Welcome back, Killer.” I shifted, my body going ramrod straight. Blood pumped into my ears as a fire stirred in my belly. We were here, and Maggie was missing. My eyes searched my surroundings, looking for any evidence of a struggle.
“If you’re looking for the girl, she’s here… just not in your cell,” the lab assistant wearing a white coat said. Bars surrounded me, in front and back, cement walls replaced the bars to my left and right, and a door off to the right looked as if it were sealed, all to keep me captive. I narrowed my eyes, focusing on the lettering embroidered into the fabric. PGI Corp. Somewhere in my mind, a small spark was ignited. Those three letters and one word sounded vaguely familiar.
“Just… give her to me.” I didn’t want to beg. To let them know she meant something to me when, in reality, she could never mean anything to me. I just knew this place well enough to know someone as fragile as her wouldn’t survive without me. I was a monster, but I wasn’t that horrible to make her into something she never asked to be. Never would she be subjected to the testing I had been if I had a say in it.
“Give her to you? Come on, Killer. We both know you realize how this works. You follow the orders and you get what you want. You disobey, and, well...” The dickhead’s voice grew dark, and the doors behind him opened revealing a very knocked out Maggie in the arms of another man.
I gritted my teeth, forcing myself not to lash out. I didn’t want to know what they needed from me. What they wanted me to do...
“We will give her to you, under one condition,” the dickhead said. I was unable to take my eyes off her, watching her chest rise and fall. If she died, there would be no saving me. I would go off the rails. She might not have been anything important, but she was now my only way of staying human. I would hold onto her humanity, living through it to keep me sane in this place. It was my only hope.
“Don’t fuck with me, douche bag. Get to the point.” I cracked my knuckles, showing him I was up for anything. My muscles ached, and my legs still felt like they were tied to cement blocks at the bottom of the ocean.
Dickhead smiled, and I desperately wished he were close enough for me to reach through the bars and grip him by the throat. Would he scream in fear?
“When we have everything from her… we need you to do us a favor… Better yet, when the time comes, we need you to do something.” The smirk was still on his face. I growled. I didn’t like not knowing what I had to agree to.
“What do you want?” I barely got out, my eyes still trained on Maggie’s lifeless body. “We want you to kill her.” My eyes grew wide, and my chest cracked. I could feel something breaking inside of me. I had thought many times about killing her, about ripping her throat out, suffocating her. Yet, I had never been able to cross the line. I had never been able to make it more than a thought. The memories always stopped me. Looking at her now, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it and that alone would be the very thing that got us both killed.
“Why?” I tried to sound curious, and less worried about what they would do to the two of us if I couldn’t follow through. The truth was it didn’t matter if I killed her or not because they wouldn’t let me go. Dickhead looked at me sideways before wrapping a finger around one of Maggie’s dark brown locks of hair.
“See, she knows some stuff. Stuff that could hurt this corporation, even you, so we want to put a stop to it. Kill her… and earn your freedom, fail to do so and face the consequences…”
I looked around the room, my eyes scanning for a way out. There had to be a way to escape. The cell I was in was new—hell, the facility in itself was new. Besides the bars keeping me prisoner, a pair of sliding glass doors that lead into a chamber separated us. That chamber must have been where they had kept Maggie. I could feel the tension filtering into my mind, the anger, rage, and hate coming back to me tenfold.
They wanted me to kill her, could I do it…?
“I’ll do it.” I agreed knowing there was no way for me to do it. Somehow, someway, I would have to find another way out. Either that or the Brotherhood would have to find us. The sealed door to my cell opened as Dickhead pressed his hand to a small screen next to the door. That was also new. I watched as he pulled a key from his pocket and placed it into the lock hole.
“Stay against the wall. If you take one step, we shoot her up with more L1 than her fragile body can handle,” Dickhead raged. The door slid upward with a loud creak. For one second, I considered charging them, using my body weight to my advantage. Then again, it would be useless. This was a new facility I was unfamiliar with, and they had more power than I had. I was strong alone in myself, but when it came to twenty-to-one, they would always win, plus they would shoot us both up. Instead, I pressed my heels to the back of the wall as the man holding her squatted down just enough to place Maggie against the concrete and roll her into my cell.
The moment her body landed on the floor safely, I charged forward causing the man to jerk upward, smacking his head against the bottom of the steel sliding door. I growled in acceptance of his pain knowing deep down every person in this building feared me. The man backed away as I watched the door slide back down locking me inside with Maggie. “Try something like that again, and you won’t have to worry about killing her—we’ll do it for you,” Dickhead said. He moved away from the panel that I now knew controlled the door to the cell. Funny how he could say those things to me while bars separated us. If he had no escape and no protection from me, he would be pissing his pants by now and begging me to spare him.
My thoughts spiraled out of control as I inched my way over to where Maggie was. Her body was lying on the cold floor, and as I touched her hand, I could feel the coldness of the room seeping into her skin.
This place will steal her warmth, her goodness.
I gripped both her arms and dragged her carefully over to the corner. Staring at her, I tried to figure out what to do. They hadn’t given us blankets or pillows. They never provided us with anything other than the things that were needed to keep us alive. My eyes glided over her body and then to the confines of our new home.
Fuck. I wanted to scr
eam. What was I supposed to do? It wasn’t in my nature to care and protect, but here I was trying to find a way to keep her alive…
You have to… a small voice inside my head whispered. Gritting my teeth, I pushed to the wall and slid down. Maggie’s head was right next to my thigh. With little effort, I could cradle her body in my arms allowing my warmth to protect her. I shuddered at the mere thought.
This isn’t the real me. I can’t do this… Blood spilled from my fingertips as I tried to dig them into the concrete floor. I didn’t want to do this.
What if I hurt her? I asked myself the question even though I already knew the answer. I wouldn’t. Not just that, but I couldn’t. She was our ticket out of here alive. Pushing all doubt to the back of my mind, I gripped her as gently as I could and pulled her into my chest. She stirred slightly, her face rubbing into my chest muscles. Warmth bloomed somewhere deep inside of me, melting a sliver of the coldness that had made me who I was. Clutching her as if she was going to disappear, I closed my own eyes and allowed myself to revel in the feelings of her small body in my arms. Her breath mixed with my own caused our scents to mingle together. Every breath I took calmed the demon inside of me.
Minutes passed in silence as my breath evened out. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to the two of us. I had been here, in this place, once before. Maggie hadn’t. She had no sense or idea of what this place was about.
I could feel the memories poking at my shields wanting badly to knock them down, but I couldn’t let them. I couldn’t let my guard down for one second. Doing so was what had gotten us here to begin with.
Fuck. I opened my eyes and looked down at Maggie. She was beautiful, something I had known this entire time. She was also familiar, in a sense that my body and mind called to her. Somehow, she knew me. I could feel it deep inside of me because whenever she was around, the person within always tried to escape.
