by J. L. Beck
Allowing my eyes to drift back closed, I saw Maggie in my mind. Memories swirled around me until I could no longer shake them. I was being pushed into a dark tunnel with no light at the end.
“I loved you, Diesel. I loved you more than life itself.” I could hear the emotion in her words and all but see the tears running down her face. What was happening? Maggie! I screamed out, but it was all inside my head. I couldn’t move, yet I was awake. More and more people gave their graces, and it was then that I realized I was at a funeral.
Not just anyone’s but my own.
I tried to fight against the numbness that was radiating throughout my body. My lips wouldn’t move, and my eyes refused to open. Panic seized me. Was my chest moving with every intake of breath I took? How could I be here but not be here?
“Diesel was a great kid, a great person…” I could hear my dad’s voice. He was speaking at my funeral. Squeezing my eyes tighter, trying to push past this… My mind went blank. I could feel time moving and when I finally popped my eyes open, I was lying in a hospital bed. My parents were talking about me.
“He’s out of control, Jane. He won’t let the nurses care for him, and I know he said he wanted to get better, but it’s too late. The cancer has spread to other parts of his body.” My eyes scanned the room. My mom clasped her hands together, her eyes roaming over me.
“I just don’t want to give up on him. I don’t want him to die if there is a chance he could come out of this on the other end. He’s our only child.” My mother’s face was red and streaked with tears. I wanted to reach out to her and comfort her. I had never truly hated my parents. I was just annoyed that they felt they could force their beliefs on me. They just didn’t want to lose me, just as I didn’t want to lose Maggie.
MAGGIE!!! I screamed out, thrashing about the bed. I needed to get to her, to explain what was happening.
“Then it’s settled, we give him to the corporation. They can use him and better understand his behavior. He’s already a lost cause.”
No, I’m not! I screamed the words, yet they couldn’t be heard. What was happening? Pain slammed into my head as I was transported to another memory.
“I just wanted to be able to say goodbye. I just wanted to be able to hold you one last time. To tell you that the love you had given me will make me search for a cure in your name. For the rest of my life, you will live on in my heart. You’re mine.” Tears formed in my eyes but never spilled over.
There was no wetness seeping from my eyes, no heart beating in my chest, or breath leaving my lips.
No!!!! What was happening? I couldn’t lose her. I did all this for her. I sought out going to the hospital for treatments for her. She had given me a reason to live. For the first time in my life, I wanted to see tomorrow.
My chest heaved as something inside my head clicked. My eyes fluttered closed, and then opened again. I could feel warmth from the inside, warming me all over. Starting in my arms and coursing through my entire body. I felt something deeper than rage and anger. I felt… it was a foreign emotion, one I hadn’t felt in years—love?
I looked down at the woman in my arms. Maggie. A sigh escaped my lips. She had found me. She had to have known all along. But, why wouldn’t she tell me? At this moment in time, her reasons for keeping quiet no longer mattered because now I remembered. I remembered everything that was Diesel and Mags. Everything that was she and I. I knew who I was, what I once was to her, and what I needed to do to get us the fuck out of here.
sixteen
MAGGIE
WHEN I AWOKE, my mouth was dry, and my neck felt as if it had been snapped. Deep warmth engulfed me, and I almost didn’t want to move. I could feel a heartbeat under my hands and deep breaths blowing against my face.
Killer. The memories of what had happened came back to me, and immediately, I regretted having run from him. I desperately wanted Killer to remember me, but I was tired of feeling trapped. I was scared and alone, and I just wanted a way out. Therefore, when I was given the chance, I ran… I didn’t realize how dangerous that one decision was.
When I forced my eyes to open, I was met with a shade of blue eyes I hadn’t seen in years. Somehow, some way, I knew those eyes belonged to the man who I had loved all those years ago and still loved today.
“Diesel?” I said his name in questioning slightly afraid it would trigger something inside him if I were wrong. With one look, I knew it was Diesel. I couldn’t believe he was here and Killer was gone. My heart rate skyrocketed as he smiled at me.
“Mags.” My name coming from his lips caused me to grip him. I had to feel him to make sure he was truly here. He still looked like Killer, but he wasn’t. His smile was genuine, his voice calm and soft. This was him. It wasn’t a lie or my mind playing jokes on me. He was truly here. He had found his way back to me through the rage, hate, anger, and the need to kill.
“This is really you? You’re here? Are you going to disappear?” I asked eagerly, my words coming out in a rapid rush. I didn’t know how to handle the emotions that were running through me. Instead, I sat up in his lap and wrapped my arms around him.
“This is really me. I’m here and I remember everything.” Guilt could be heard heavily in his words as he ran his hand down my hair. I never stopped to think about what would happen if Diesel came back if he remembered everything. If he would be able to handle the guilt of all he had done. Most of which I had no idea of.
“God… Thank you God,” I cried out, burying my face in his neck. He smelt of sweat, man, and home. He smelt like everything I ever wanted and needed.
“I missed you so fucking much. I’m sorry, so fucking sorry for hurting you. For talking down to you,” he whispered into my ear and then nuzzled into my neck. It was as if I had never lost him. As if time had never separated us from one another.
“Shhh… It’s okay. You’re here now. I did all this for you. We found each other again. Everything is going to be okay now,” I mumbled. We had things that we needed to talk about. I needed to tell him things that he should know. I wanted answers to what happened to him, but somewhere deep inside of me, I knew everything would be okay because we had each other again.
“I remember it all. The funeral, the hospital. I remember my parents faking my death and giving me to this fucking place to be turned into a guinea pig. I remember everything.” His voice broke, and so did something else in me. Nothing else mattered in this second. I knew that death could very well happen. I knew if someone wanted to, they could hurt us both.
Where we were wasn’t important right now though. It was who we were.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. We have to stay strong.” I soothed him. Seeing the faraway look in his eyes scared me. I was afraid I would lose him at any second.
“It will be.” His chest heaved against mine as he eased me off me and came to a standing position. Even the way he looked and carried himself was different. His eyes scanned our surroundings, and I wanted to ask him what he was looking for, but he answered me before I could cough out the words.
“Cameras. They have them here. I know they do.” He growled. With jerky movements, I made it to my feet and wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans.
“Stop trying to find them. It’s not going to do us any good. We need to focus on getting out of here.” I approached him calmly, keeping my voice neutral. I was two feet away from him when he whirled around on me. His eyes were still the same, and when he reached out and wrapped his hand into my hair, I knew he wasn’t going to go anywhere.
“I’m so fucking sorry about all of this…” He was repeating himself. I knew the second he came back to life, he would be the man I had always known, but he would have blood on his hands and a lot of it.
“Don’t be.” I placed my lips against his, sealing whatever apology he was going to come up with away. I didn’t want to hear about the bad things he had done. I wanted to live in the moment.
His lips ravished mine as he moved us to the nearest cement wall. Gone were his
thoughts on the cameras, on the people who had placed us in here.
“I have prayed for years to feel your lips against my own again.” It was almost as if he was saying a silent prayer with his lips. My hand found its way into his hair, the dark locks weaving through my fingers.
“I love you,” he huffed out, his chest pressing against my own as he picked me up forcing me to wrap my legs around him. Unable to form words, I allowed him to kiss down my neck and over my chest. His body was doing funny things to my mind. I wanted him to take me, to fuck me in front of all these people. It didn’t matter to me anymore. I had waited so long for this to happen.
“Take me…” I begged. I just wanted him. The man he was right here, in this second, to make love to me. My body longed for him more than anything in the world. He pulled away, a mischievous smile on his face.
“Give me time, Mags. I’m not ready to take you yet, that is unless you want me to unleash everything out on you.” The thought excited me and frightened me at the same time. What if I lost him in the moment?
“I just missed you, I want you. I longed for your voice, your touch, your kisses, even your scent. You have no idea what it does to me to sit next to you and to know you’re in there somewhere, yet the man that is on display before me is unlike yourself.”
His hips ground into me, causing a delicious rush of pleasure to form inside of me. Words were lost as he nipped at my earlobe.
“Believe me, Maggie. I know what it’s like. I know what it’s like to watch from the inside and beat against the glass as hard as you can, begging yourself to remember. The fact I had to watch myself almost kill you…” His words cut off.
“It’s going to be okay. I’m sorry I brought it up.” I cursed myself for ruining the moment. Everything else in that second was completely fucked up. All I wanted was one joyous moment before it got worse.
“Never be sorry.” He cupped the side of my cheek. Apprehension settled deep into my belly. Not only was I uncertain of what the future was going to hold for Diesel and me, but I was terrified we wouldn’t even make it out of here alive.
“Step to the back of the cell.” A voice startled me as it boomed into the cell vibrating off the walls and bars. Immediately, Diesel removed his hands from me and shoved us against the nearest wall, his back to my front. Fury grew around us. It was as if they merely being near us fueled the beast inside of him. His hand shot back gripping my arm to hold me into place.
“Stay back,” he growled his voice animalistic. Trying as I may, I peeked through Killer’s arm and body, my mouth dropping open. On the opposite side of the bars stood Roger with someone behind him.
“Awe. Is Killer back to his usual self?” Roger began to goad him. I was unable to speak or process what was really happening.
“Wait, maybe I should call you Diesel now since that is your name, right? Which, by the way, since you decided to surprise us with your appearance on this fine day, I have a surprise for you, too. Did you tell him already, Mags?” Roger saying my name, using the very nickname Diesel always called me, caused my stomach to quake in fear. What was he going to try to do?
“Don’t. Don’t even utter her name again… You’re not worthy enough to even speak her name.” Diesel was on the verge of losing his temper as Killer teetered on the edge of his sanity. I felt like I was about to lose both of them.
“Put the claws away, macho. I have someone else here for you. Come on, Richard,” Roger said, gesturing for the man to move from behind him. My eyes locked on his face, and instantly, my blood turned cold.
“Dad?” I was so astonished that the air left my chest immediately as dread set in. What was my father doing here? Better yet, what was Roger doing ordering him around? He smiled softly as Roger turned around and gripped him by the arm, shoving him toward us. What a coward. Silence passed between all of us, and as my eyes came back to meet Roger’s, it was then I understood what he was doing. He was using us. Killer, my dad, and me.
“I never meant for things to get this out of hand. I never wanted any of this,” Dad cried out. He sounded like he was begging for forgiveness—but why? He hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Dad, I don’t—”
“What is going on, Maggie?” Diesel cut me off as I pulled away from him. His eyes zeroing in on me like prey, I could feel Killer’s presence entering and Diesel’s disappearing more and more.
“I don’t know.” I shook my head, confusion setting in.
“Isn’t this sweet? A family reunion.” Roger shoved my dad another step forward causing Killer to growl and my heart to drop into the pit of my stomach. Diesel was fading and fading fast. I could hear his teeth grinding together from the rage that was on the very surface of being unleashed.
“I don’t understand.” Diesel sounded conflicted as he fought internally against himself. I had no logical answer to what was going on. I was just as lost as he was.
“Oh, you mean she hasn’t told you yet?” Roger’s eyes promised hurt. My skin was crawling as he stared at me. I could feel Diesel pulling from me, my body growing cold at his absence.
“Wait I don’t—”
“Don’t lie, Maggie.” Roger laughed, his voice filling the small room. It echoed off the walls, causing a splitting ache to form in my head. He was framing me… turning us against each other.
“What is he talking about?” He turned around, facing me. Diesel no longer visible. He was no longer the man I had known just moments ago. He was Killer in all his bloody fucking glory. I wanted to hold my hands up in defense, to protect myself from this beast of a man who stood before me, but it was no use. If he wanted to hurt me, he would.
“I don’t even know.” I could feel my lip quivering, terror growing inside of me.
“You don’t know?” Killer crossed the distance between us gripping me by the throat and pressing me against the wall so fast, my neck snapped back and my head bounced off the cement. Stars formed in my eyes, and I could taste blood in my mouth.
“Oh, the joy. See, Maggie there has been hiding a secret from you. Her and her father work for me. This whole time it’s been nothing but a ploy to get you back here. I mean, you were our most accomplished project of them all.”
Tears formed in my eyes as the grip Killer had on my throat increased. I could feel the oxygen deprivation taking me. I clawed at his hands, my attempts fruitless.
“I don’t believe you.” Killer growled immediately after the words left his mouth. He was at war with himself. Fighting man against monster. Diesel against Killer as his eyes shifted between the two of us.
Roger laughed again, but this time it was darker, “I don’t care if you believe me. In reality, you don’t really care either since you’re three seconds away from killing her anyway.” I could feel the hold on my throat loosen, and I took that moment to breathe, gasping in a breath.
“Tell me it’s a lie, Maggie. Tell me that this isn’t true.” Tears fell from my cheeks as he stared into my eyes. How could I tell him that I had done all of this for him? That the very reason I was here in the first place was to find a cure?
“I can explain, I’m not really—”
“TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH!” he screamed in my face. I couldn’t form a word, nor could I swallow, my mind on autopilot, my eyes trained on him.
“I can smell your fear…” Killer leaned into me, his nose skimming up and down the sensitive skin of my neck. “I can taste it.” His tongue darted out and licked a path from my earlobe to my collarbone. My breath hitched, my heart beat faster, and my pulse jumped out of my throat and into my stomach.
“Why is it so hard to believe? Little Maggie isn’t the saint you made her out to be. I mean, I could’ve told you that. The way she sucked my cock…”
“ENOUGH!” Killer bellowed, his voice like thunder. His hand had tightened on my throat before he asked again.
“Tell me the truth, Maggie. Tell me that he’s lying, and I’ll take all the pain away.” I could see Diesel beneath the surface fighti
ng for us. He wanted to believe that I hadn’t sided with the company who took his life from him. Who took me from him.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Killer. I didn’t know. I swear, I had nowhere else to go, and I needed the money.” I cried, not only for us, but for the loss of him as I watched his eyes shut, and his world go dark. Most of all, I cried because I truthfully did all of this for him.
Panic gripped me as the hand at my throat grew tighter and tighter. My father’s screams echoed around me, and I could still see the sick smile on Roger’s face. After all, he had gotten what he wanted… He wanted to break him. To pin us against one another.
“Release her—I want her,” Roger said. My eyes grew wide as a smile formed on Killer’s face. It was the scariest thing I had ever seen.
“Sure, take the bitch. She’s no fucking better than the rest of you.” He released me, stepping away as I slid down the wall. Air filled my lungs as tears escaped my eyes. My heart was breaking—shattering. There would be no starting over. There would be no finding peace with the man I loved because the man I loved was once again gone.
Roger glanced over at the lab assistant, and with one nod, the steel door lifted and he swooped in, pulling me up onto my unsteady legs and onto the other side of the bars by my hair. The pain in my scalp didn’t register to me nearly as much as the pain in my heart. I would rather be beaten over and over again than to have him look at me as if I were the enemy.
“No problem… I’ll take good care of her,” Roger commented.
“Take her, but just know that she is mine to fucking kill. She is mine to end. And Maggie...” The way my name slid off his tongue caused me to take a step back, pushing further into Rogers’s chest. “I will kill you. You can run, you can hide, you can cry, you can even beg me to spare your life, but just know that I will be the reason you take your last breath.”
It was with those words and the lack of life in his eyes that made me realize, for the first time in my life, I was afraid of the man that I loved. I knew if he got his hands on me again, he would, in fact, end my life with a twist of his wrist.
