by J. L. Beck
“Perfect, you can kill her later. I have some things I want to get out of her first.” Roger gripped my hair tighter, pulling me toward the sliding glass doors behind us.
“You know what to do, Richard,” Roger added. I could see the sick smile creeping onto Killer’s face as my father entered his cell.
“I’ll be sure to kill Daddy dearest first...” A sob escaped my throat as I saw the terror fill my father’s eyes. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to forgive Killer if he harmed my father. I would never be able to look at him the same.
“Please don’t,” I begged out of thin air as Killer’s smile grew even more.
“I’ll enjoy every fucking second of it. Then I’ll come for you next.” He lurched forward just as the door slid down, my father on the wrong side of the bars.
“Please don’t do this, Roger, please don’t.” I huffed the words out, my heart beating out of my chest.
“Now, now, Maggie.” He tried to soothe me with his words, but it wasn’t enough. I didn’t want him. Then I felt the prick in my arm and the world around me growing dark. I wanted to fight against it, but I didn’t. Instead, I allowed myself to freefall into the darkness.
There was no hope for me. I had lost Diesel, and Killer was out for blood.
seventeen
KILLER
THE LIGHT BEHIND my eyes was dark. I forced oxygen in and out of my lungs. I couldn’t escape the darkness that was threatening to take me. Her scream, the fear in her eyes showed me just how dark I needed to be just to save her. I was losing the grasp of who I truly was and transforming into a monster.
“Just calm down, Killer. Breathe, deep breaths,” the small man before me said. He was wearing a lab coat. He was no better than the others were. My fists clenched, tension building in my muscles. I needed to unleash the beast. I needed blood on my hands. I wanted to laugh in this man’s face. Who did he think he was?
“Calm down?” My chest rumbled with laughter. “Calm isn’t my kind of thing, and since I discovered you and that bitch daughter of yours are working together, I really can’t do calm. However, I can plan your funeral. Would you prefer open casket or closed? I’m thinking closed for your family’s sake. “
I watched his eyes grow wide as he took a step back. I was seething with rage. How could she do this to us? To the very fragile ground that we stood upon?
“She didn’t do anything wrong...” Of course, he would stick up for her. He was her father. He created the vindictive bitch.
“Her still breathing is wrong, her still living and having even known me is wrong. Was this a set up from the start?” I questioned, teetering right on the edge of sanity. I wanted to fuck her into oblivion and then watch her bleed out. I wouldn’t make her death quick. No, I would draw it out, inflicting pain in ways that were unimaginable.
“Killer, listen to me. Please, listen. She did this for you. She worked at this place—she didn’t work in the labs. She worked in the offices. She has no idea what this place is about.” His words were fucking with my head. I could feel fuzziness going in and out like a TV with a bad connection.
“She didn’t do this for me.” I could barely get the words out. Something in my chest was cracking—breaking. My chest burned, my heart ached, and I could feel something deep within me struggling to break free.
“She did. I have a plan. A way out, but I need you to calm down. To be level headed.” His voice was so quiet I almost didn’t hear it.
It’s a lie. A trap. The words echoed around in my mind.
“STOP LYING!!” I screamed, beating my fist against my head.
“There are cameras in every inch of this room. You fell right into Roger’s trap without even thinking. You hurt the one person you loved more than life itself, and for what? Did you get satisfaction out of it?”
“STOP!” I screamed, my chest heaving with every breath.
“I won’t stop. I know that you’re in there. I know you’ll regret this all when you come to the realization that we did nothing wrong.”
“You’re doing wrong as we speak. You engaging in conversation with me is wrong…” I was snapping, fracturing into someone else.
“I will make you all pay. I will bring this building and everyone in it to the fucking ground. Do you hear me?” I screamed, grabbing the bars of the cell.
“Your fighting is useless…” I turned on him, my anger directed at his mere presence.
“I will kill you, but not until I kill your daughter first. She betrayed me when I offered her my love. I will torture you both. I will teach you both that fucking with me was the wrong thing to do. You woke the beast, and now he’s thirsty for blood.” My voice cracked as I took another step toward him.
His blood would be on my hands.
“Killer.” He didn’t sound scared or worried. He just looked like he was annoyed.
“Richard, any last words?” I sneered.
“No, any last words, Killer?” he asked as I came to a stand in front of him, my hand reaching out to grip him by the throat.
I narrowed my eyes at him, and then realized I had been fooled. I could feel the prick of the needle against my skin. The drugs surging through my body. He had fooled me—they all had.
“I’m sorry. I wanted to do this any other way than the current, but you just wouldn’t listen.” He looked hurt as if doing this to me was the last thing he ever wanted to do.
Weakness took over as my fingers became numb, relaxing around his throat before falling to my sides. My eyes drifted closed as I tried to fight the drugs.
“When you wake up, we can talk, we can discuss this further…” Rage seethed within me. He was wrong—once I woke up, I would destroy and kill everything in my power.
Somewhere in my mind, I clung to a memory. A memory that caused me to rethink everything I had ever done.
“Why’re you mad at me?” I wanted answers. To beg her to tell me what was wrong. I had gone so long hiding my emotions that I wasn’t sure how to handle the feelings that I had now.
“I’m not mad,” she huffed.
“Yes, you are,” I countered back.
“Diesel.” The way she said my name with warning had my cock growing hard. I prayed that in death, I would find peace. I also hoped God would allow me to wait for Maggie at Heaven’s gate.
“Mags.” I said her name with just as much warning, raising my eyebrow up at her. This tug of war game we played was amusing, yet frustrating at the same time. She knew all the right buttons to push on me.
“I don’t want you to feel guilty for giving into me. For giving us a chance. I don’t want you to think that when you die, you’re leaving me here all to my lonesome because you’re not.” What she was saying caused a stirring in my chest. My heart rate accelerated. I could never force myself to think about what would come.
“Look at me.” She placed her small hand against my cheek. The warmth of her hand against my skin made me want to sink into her touch. The days were growing endless, and I knew that one day I wouldn’t wake up. I needed to treat every touch of her skin as a remembrance allowing her to heal me from the outside in. She didn’t know it, but she cleansed me.
“I regret nothing. I don’t regret the fact that I have gotten to know you. That I learned what makes you tick. That I touched you and devoured you in ways that were unimaginable. I don’t blame God for bringing you into my life. You made me whole, Maggie. You brought the best out in me, even when I didn’t think it was there.”
Her soft sigh reminded me of what it was like to live, to feel, to be alive.
“I just don’t want you to feel guilty. I don’t want you to be on your deathbed and question if it was the right thing. I don’t want to be seen in your eyes at the end of all of this as guilt.”
I leaned into her, her smell surrounding me, calling to me in ways I never thought possible. My lips pressed softly against her forehead. Never would she be an object of guilt. No, she would just be mine.
“You will never be seen
as guilt. You will always be seen as my Mags. The woman who opened my heart to new things, and allowed the man who was dying inside to live on the outside. You gave me one last chance at love.”
“I love you, Diesel. I love you for loving me, for protecting me, and I’m going to miss you more than anything when you’re gone.” I could all but see the tears streaking her face. She would be lost without me. Hurting. Broken even. But somehow she would find the strength to carry on, and in her, she would carry my spirit—my love.
“When the time comes, you will know. You will never be alone, Maggie. You will never fear anything. I will be right beside you—inside you. Breathing the same air as you and matching the beat of your own heart. We are one being. One soul in two different realms. Do you understand that this isn’t the end? It’s simply goodbye... for now. Not forever. Not when I’m in here.” I pointed to her heart.
She moved in my arms, her tears smearing against my shirt. I could hear her quiet sob and understood her pain.
“I don’t want to lose you after just having found you. I don’t want this to end.” She bawled into my shirt, her fists squeezed tightly as she brought them up to my chest. I could feel the tremors running through her body as she fought for control over her emotions, and a soft smile crested my lips.
She was living, she was feeling, and that’s all I ever wanted for her.
“It will be okay. It’ll be like a band-aid. It will hurt really badly in the beginning, like when you’re first pulling it off, but then after a while the pain will subside. You’ll look at where the band-aid was and remember the pain you felt, but will feel no longer and you’ll remember the scar that the pain created.”
“I don’t want to lose you.” She cried harder.
“You’re not losing me.”
“Yes, I am. You’re leaving. I won’t be able to touch you, feel you, or kiss you anymore. I won’t get to laugh with you anymore, and I will be so alone. I’ll lose my best friend—my everything.” I held her against my chest.
“Someday, you’ll look back on this and laugh. I promise,” I mumbled into her ear, her hair blowing against my face.
“Nothing about losing you is funny. You’re dying, Diesel. Dead, gone. Part of the ground.” She was freaking out, which was normal, but I had finally found peace. Not just that—but I had a plan. I wanted to be able to be here, but there was no way I could tell her that. If the day came it all worked out, then I would. I just needed to admit that I needed the treatments, and I needed to pray that it would give me just a little bit more time with her.
“Whatever happens, you will always be mine.”
“There is no whatever happens. Death will happen. It will take you from me without notice. That is what will happen.” I rubbed my hand across her back and pulled her in tighter wanting us to become one. Then I placed another kiss against her skin and reveled in the feeling of love.
She was it. She was love.
eighteen
MAGGIE
“YOU’RE SUCH A slut, Maggie. How could you put out to Roger not even two days after your boyfriend’s death.” The insults were hurled at me left and right. Their lies penetrating my truths. The pain inside of me radiating outward. I just wanted it to stop.
“Wake up, you stupid bitch.” I could feel a burning in my face as a hit landed against my cheek. I forced the pain away, succumbing to the dream. The dream was bad, but the reality of it all was worse.
“I didn’t do it. I didn’t sleep with him,” I cried out as they continued to pelt me with hurtful words. I was dying without him.
“You did, you little fucking whore.” I shook my head, wanting the hurt to go away. If only you could’ve taken me with you, Diesel.
“Look at me.” A hand wrapped around my throat and my eyes drifted open. My focus was off as I was in and out.
“Let go of me.” I spat out the words at him as I tried to wrench myself out of his touch. I was on the ground and he was above me, his movements off as my eyes adjusted to the lighting.
A smile crept onto his face. I wondered why I had ever taken that job at PGI. Was it worth it now? To me, no.
“You’re just as beautiful as you were before…” A finger skimmed down the side of my face, and I almost turned my head to bite it off. I wanted to hurt him. To gouge his beady fucking eyes out. He deserved whatever pain I could give him, but instead of biting, I sneered at him.
“And you’re just as revolting as I remember.” I glared at him, praying that God would slam his fist down on him taking his miserable life. His hand slipped from my throat to my chin where he gripped it painfully hard. I could feel the tears welling behind my eyes but forced them down. I wouldn’t cry for this fool. It’s what he wanted. To break me, to hurt me. As If I hadn’t been hurt enough.
“I think you have forgotten who you’re talking to, forgotten who it is that controls you, who allows you to live when you shouldn’t even be breathing right now.” I numbed myself to the pain, crawling back into my mind.
“I miss you. I miss you so fucking much, and you don’t even understand it. You told me you would protect me. That you would be here for me, and I don’t feel it. I don’t see you. All I feel is the darkness descending on me. Breaking me.”
“Listen to me.” Roger’s voice entered my mind, but I forced it away. I could feel his fingers digging into my skin.
“God, just take me. Take me to him. Let me see him again. Feel him.” I screamed the words as I beat against his headstone. He had no idea what he left me with.
“If you won’t give me what I want, I will just take it,” Roger screamed into my ear. His voice wasn’t a scream in my mind though; it was just a mere whisper. I forced myself from the present and into the past. Into the deepness… never wanting to come out.
“Open those creamy thighs for me.”
“I hate you. I hate what you’re doing to me. I hate that you left me when I needed you most. I hate that I miss your touch, your voice, your scent, and the way you made me feel like everything was okay. Why did you leave? Why?” I pleaded. My knees scraped across the stone. The pain wasn’t even registering in my mind because the real pain was in my chest. Eating away at me.
“Fucking you will be exactly as I thought it would be.” His voice repulsed me as he gripped my thighs. Why wasn’t I fighting him? Why didn’t I care enough to stop this?
“Why? Why?” I cried out over and over again. Find strength. Something echoed within me. Find strength. The word played over and over again.
“Are you wet for me?” he asked me, but I never answered. I wouldn’t. There was no hope. I had lost Diesel once again, and now I was going to lose what made me who I was.
“Fight him. Find it in you to fight him.” The voice shadowed everything else. It sounded like Diesel’s, but how could that be? He wasn’t here. My fingers ran over the engraved words, but I felt nothing. Air. I was going insane.
“I’m going to hurt you, Maggie. Rip you to pieces and treat you like the little whore that you are. If you loved that monster, then you can love me, too.” I could feel his fingers at my entrance. I wanted him to go away. I wanted it all to go away.
“Let go of her.” I knew that voice. Shocked out of my stupor, I turned to see my dad in the doorway of the room. How had he gotten in here?
“Or what, old man? You going to kill me?” Roger said unfazed by my father’s presence. I sat up pushing Roger’s hands away the best I could.
“No. I won’t kill you. There are a long line of people in this place who want a piece of you first, and I refuse to not give them the chance.” My father’s eyes burned into my face. I could tell he was scared, out of place. I was confused, and more than anything, hurting.
Don’t let him win. The voice was back.
“Then what the fuck is it you want, Richard, as you can see I’m busy with your daughter.” His eyes roamed up and down my body, probably finishing what my father had interrupted in his mind. How I had allowed his hand to stay in place on my leg I
didn’t know. All I knew was when his attention turned back to my father, I then grabbed his hand and twisted it until I heard an audible crack.
He pulled away from me, his eyes wide, as pain construed his features. He reached for me with his other hand, and I slammed my palm into his shoulder shoving him out of the way.
“Never. Touch. Me. Again,” I screamed. I felt like I was going crazy, my mind gone. I was a monster on a path of destruction. I saw the syringe in my father’s hand, and I knew what I had to do. Roger scurried across the floor away from me as I ran across the room and grabbed the syringe from my father. I had a mission to fulfill—a reason to live.
“I don’t want you to feel guilty about doing this, Maggie.” My father tried to reach me, but it was useless. I ignored him and uncapped the end of the syringe where the needle was.
“What’s in this, Dad?” I sneered. What was happening to me?
“L1.” Was all he said? L1, huh? I had been given that once before. It was a medication that knocked you out cold. Its side effects on those who weren’t sick were useless. Or so I had heard. That wouldn’t stop me from stabbing it into Roger’s arm. I crossed the room in ten steps and crouched down on my heels.
“You’ll regret fucking with me, Maggie. There are secrets that you will never understand and you will never hear if you do this. If you let them take me, you will never know.” I hesitated for a moment wondering what it was he could know that I didn’t. He was bluffing. He had to be. If whatever it was he thought I needed to know was so important, he would’ve told me instead of trying to rape me.
“I don’t believe you,” I hissed, stabbing him in the arm with the needle. I pushed at the end of the syringe injecting him with the L1. When he woke up next, he would be imprisoned, or better yet, beaten for all those he had hurt.
“You don’t understand, Maggie. You and Diesel are connected.” I stood, walking away from him. I didn’t want to hear his lies, his manipulation.
