If Only

by Yvonne Beattie

  At that I lose my cool and I start laughing hysterically, doubling over myself while he stands with his hands on his hips breathlessly looking defeated.

  As I stand up straight again, unable to wipe the smile plastered across my face, I look up at him standing with his hands still on his hips, a sexy as hell smirk painted on his beautiful face, smoldering eyes that I wish would devour me whole, and… a more than substantial tent protruding from his jeans.

  Whoa, boy.

  Our eyes meet and his gaze has darkened, I feel mine do the same as my face loses its smile. Without taking my eyes from his, I use both my hands to move my long hair to hang down my back. I then take a small step backwards, to give him a clearer view of me, and I delicately unclip my bra from between my breasts. I watch as he studies me but doesn’t remove his gaze from mine. I let my bra slide down my arms and drop to the floor, and as it does so, he can resist no longer and lets his gaze drift down.

  I feel my heart pumping ten to the dozen as his carnal instinct takes over and he comes to me in one stride, ravishing me with his mouth and picking me up to carry me over to the bed. My heart is full and by gosh, my lady bits are almost begging for him.

  He suddenly halts and I feel his breath as he lets out a long exhale.

  “What is it?” I ask with bated breath.

  “I don’t believe this…” he says, letting me go and I reluctantly slide my legs down his back to the floor and turn to see two single beds that appear to be bolted to the wall.

  “They gave us a twin room?” I ask, bemused.

  “It would appear so,” he replies in denial, and then shocks me by pushing me down onto one of the beds and straddling me.

  I laugh, “Marty! You’re going to give me heart failure with moves like that,” I almost snort.

  “Don’t worry, I’m a doctor,” he says and takes my nipple in his mouth. “I know wha’ I am doin’,” he says with it between his teeth.

  “Stop making me giggle,” I try to push him off, but he steadies me with his hands, and kisses back up my chest, to my throat and then stops at my mouth again.

  “I love the sound of your laughter, why would I make you stop?” he asks searching my eyes, and I close them.

  “Marty?” I say his name as I feel him watching me, and he pulls back slightly so I can see him properly when I open my eyes again.

  “Yeah?” he looks seductively at me.

  “Let’s get naked,” I tell him, and he wastes no time.

  Chapter 24

  “Are you serious?” Bex has abandoned her pancake on the table and is looking at me in obvious shock.

  “Very,” I look back at her awaiting her to say something else.

  I’ve just spent the last hour catching Bex up on everything from Malcolm to Marty, I think she’s taken it pretty well considering I made her wait so long.

  “So, you never, ever, not even one time, did it?” she asks looking completely bewildered.

  “Not even once,” I grimace and shrug nonchalantly. I couldn’t even comprehend being with Malcolm now that I’ve moved on. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks, but it’s old news and I’m seriously over it. I guess it goes to show that I was never really in it for the long term, my heart certainly wasn’t, and I feel almost guilty because of that. Wait, no. I’m lying to myself, who am I kidding? I don’t feel guilty in the slightest. Why should I?

  “So…” I see the cogs ticking. “So, um, have you even seen him naked?” she asks coyly.

  I go to answer her quickly, then stop myself in realisation that the answer is actually, “No.”

  “You lived with the guy, supposedly as boyfriend and girlfriend, for nearly a year, and you’ve never seen him naked?” Bex looks simply stupefied.

  I sit back in my chair and take a deep breath, “Well, when you say it out loud, like that, it sounds pretty weird, but living day to day, I genuinely didn’t really think about it. I mean, I tried literally throwing myself at him and somehow we still never got it on.”

  She studies me for a long moment, “That is so weird.”

  “Thanks,” I watch as she takes a big bite of her pancake.

  “Ooou shwept in da shame bed tho?” she asks with her mouth full.

  I chuckle at her, “Yeah, I know, we did sleep in the same bed. He had great hairy legs to warm my feet on… and he was good for spooning, although, I guess I was usually, actually maybe always, the big spoon,” which made no sense as he was much taller than me.

  She raises her eyebrows at me and I notice they don’t look bad at all now. I’d forgotten all about the caterpillars.

  “These are great pancakes,” she says taking another huge bite.

  “I know, Marty stopped at the bakery in town before he dropped me off and I grabbed some for everyone as I didn’t think there would be much food left in here. That was really nice of the guys to go to the supermarket for us, most unlike them might I add, but it’s nice to get an hour to ourselves,” I drink some of my tea.

  “I agree, Simon has been full on since my fall,” she admits. “It’s nice, he’s worried about me, but some space is also very, very, nice.”

  “We’ve still got another week to go up here, don’t you think it feels like we’ve been here for longer than a week already?” I ask her.

  “Ugh, please don’t,” Bex glances down at her leg looking somewhat irked. “What am I going to do up here in this thing for another whole week?”

  “We’ll work it out, I don’t care about skiing as much as the guys, so we can take it easy around town,” I reassure her.

  “Hmm, it’s not exactly easy to get out and about in town with this bloody weather,” she says looking miserably out of the window. “And I want to go skiing too,” she says belligerently.

  “We’ll make the most of it, I promise,” I smile at her.

  “So when are you seeing Marty again?” she changes the subject.

  I can’t help the goofy smile that crosses my face, “He says he’s going to swing by tonight.”

  “Girl, you’ve both got it bad,” she grins at me.

  “I really do, Bex. I know this is only a holiday romance, but he is not like anyone I’ve ever met before,” I can’t help sighing dreamily.

  “Maybe he’s the one,” she suggests excitedly.

  “Oh, don’t be daft, seriously, I’ve only known him for a few days,” I shake my head at her.

  “But you’ve already been in his bed,” she tilts her head down and looks at me judgmentally.

  “So? I’m on holiday! I’m allowed a bit of fun, aren’t I? And technically speaking, I’ve not actually been in his own bed,” I respond defensively.

  “Christ, I think you’re having more than enough fun for the lot of us up here,” she laughs and I know she is winding me up. “But you deserve it after the year you’ve had with Malcolm, I’m surprised you even remembered how to do it.”

  I laugh out loud, “It’s just like riding a bike,” I give her a smug look. “Marty is amazing, Bex, truly,” I admit to her dreamily.

  “I’m starting to see that,” she relents and smiles sympathetically. “I really am happy for you, Rach. I don’t want to see you get your heart broken again, but I do love to see you happy.”

  “I’m just going to see how the week pans out, and if things are meant to be, maybe we’ll stay in touch. Who knows? A lot can happen in a week.”

  “Oh, that’s the guys driving up the street,” Bex motions out of the window to the car turning and then reversing up the driveway.

  “You stay there, I’ll help them,” I tell Bex.

  “I was just away to do some cartwheels,” she says monotone. “It’s not like I can help even if I wanted to,” she replies despondently.

  “Oh, I’m sorry… Look, chill out. Don’t go getting all blubbery and emotional on me. We all know it’d be me putting the shopping past anyway, you lot put things in all the wrong places,” I add, turning my nose up at her and going to open the door.

  “Did yo
u guys get any actual practical food?” I ask while pulling more vegetables out of another bag.

  Joel quickly runs past the kitchen with his arms raised telling me it was nothing to do with him.

  “Everything we bought is healthy,” Simon states and walks through to the kitchen with the remaining shopping bags.

  “Yeah, if you’re a rabbit. Simon, you have bought twenty seven bananas, nineteen oranges, five onions, four packs of apples, three packs of strawberries, two turnips, blueberries, potatoes, carrots, corn on the cob, lettuce, olives, plums, tangerines…” I pause to look at the mounting piles of fruit and veg.

  “Ah, but not a partridge in a pear tree!” he laughs at himself.

  “Si, I’m not laughing. What are we supposed to do with all of this? Make soup? A fruit salad? What did you do with my list? Didn’t you buy any bread, or buns? Or meat? Pasta? Rice? Anything at all, that would constitute towards an actual meal?” I am becoming impatient now as I would have gone shopping by myself had he not been insistent that he would go because of the snow.

  “I don’t know,” he shrugs. “But we won’t die from constipation with this lot,” he says as he opens a pack of strawberries, rinses the whole lot under the sink and pops one in his mouth discarding the stem annoyingly onto the counter top.

  I stand agape for a moment watching him.

  “Simon, what do you mean die from constipation?” I eye him incredulously.

  Seriously, what next?

  “Like Maggie’s brother,” he looks at me like I know nothing.

  “What about Maggie’s brother?” I ask him needing more of an explanation.

  “Don’t you ever listen, Rachel?” Simon purses his lips impatiently at me. “He died from constipation when he was just a kid. I seriously didn’t know you could actually die from that,” he shakes his head and pops another strawberry into his mouth. “I’m changing all my eating habits, as should all of you.”

  I don’t move but take another moment simply to look at Simon, to study him, to just take a small piece of time to ponder what it might be like to live in his head for just a few moments, never mind permanently.

  “What?” he asks looking up as he feels my gaze upon him.

  “Maggie’s little brother did not die from constipation, Simon,” I inform him gently.

  “Yes…” he starts to argue back.

  “No. No, he did not,” I interrupt him, raising my hand to silence him. “He died from consumption, Simon. Also known as Tuberculosis, which is a highly infectious lung disease. They vaccinate against it nowadays.”

  He has stopped to look at me with a strawberry almost to his mouth, “Really?”

  I nod, “Really.”

  “Oh,” he says and pops it in his mouth and chews it thoughtfully.

  “Yeah,” I look down at all his supposed constipation curing shopping.

  “Right, well, anyone want a banana then?” he asks while grabbing one and peeling it for himself.

  I turn and walk away from him, he can sort out his own damned shopping.

  Only Simon, I think to myself, only Simon.

  Chapter 25

  “Hi you,” Marty says as he raps on my door and walks into my bedroom early evening.

  “Hey!” I jump as he gives me a scare, I didn’t hear anyone letting him in, but I’m delighted to see him.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says as he quietly closes my bedroom door behind himself, waiting until it clicks shut.

  “That’s ok,” I smile up at him and push my duvet down to let him in.

  “You ok?” he asks removing his shoes and climbing in beside me.

  “Yes, I’m perfectly ok. Even better now you’re here,” I move closer to him and he wraps his arm around me kissing the top of my head. “I was just feeling cold and came through here to read my book in peace and quiet.”

  “I see,” he smiles and lifts up the book I’m reading to glance at the cover. “Another smutty romance, eh?”

  I guffaw, “You can never get enough smut.” I grab my book back and lay it on the table before he loses my place.

  “Did you get it from Mags?” he asks, leaning back and hugging me to him.

  “No, I bought it up the mountain when you guys were at the hospital with Bex. Obviously, I didn’t know you were all at the hospital at the time,” I explain. “I gave Maggie the other book I brought up here, the night we went to her place. I thought she might like it, being the old romantic she seems to be.”

  “Ah, I saw it on the table,” he says. “I thought she was giving it to you.” He then moves his leg and about jumps a mile out of the bed leaving me in a crumpled heap with him gone, “There’s something dead under your duvet,” he almost shouts.

  “What?” I jump back in response to his reaction.

  “Under there,” he points to the foot of the bed and I look down to the lump under the duvet and try not to laugh.

  I manage to wangle my foot around it and pull it up the bed to grab it. I then quickly throw it over to Marty with both hands, “What, this?” I ask fast acting.

  He shrieks like a girl as it lands at his feet, while I seriously double over laughing at him.

  “Oh, ok, ha, ha. You got me,” he says kicking my now cold hot water bottle to the side and crawling back in beside me.

  “Oh, Marty, that was hysterical,” I giggle but snuggle back into place beside him.

  We both giggle and tickle each other as we get comfortable again. Every time I manage to get serious again, I feel another smirk crossing my face.

  “So, have you seen Maggie today?” I ask, trying to change the subject from the dead lump.

  “Yup, I just left her actually,” he nods again, and I feel him swallow a giggle.

  “Did she have a nice evening with Bill?” I ask, now interested.

  He grins, “I think so. He’s still there,” he makes a funny face.

  “Marty,” I playfully rub his arm. “Really? He’s still there? At her place?”

  “Honestly, it’s like they’re playing house, it’s cute. He’s a nice man, and I left them watching soaps on the tele. I got some shopping and bits for Mags, and made sure she was doing ok. She looks tired, but she’s alright,” he looks thoughtful for a moment, like he wants to say something else, but then it passes.

  “You’re really close to her, aren’t you?” I ask him and feel his chest rumble deeply as he answers, “Mm, hmm.”

  “That’s so nice, you’re a really kind guy, Marty,” I say as I wrap my arm around his waist and hug him.

  “You reap what you sow,” he says. “She has always been there for me. I suppose, apart from Paul and the guys, she’s my best friend. I can talk to her about pretty much anything. I never get fed up of her stories, and she’s eighty-five. I know she won’t be here forever.”

  “Oh, don’t say things like that,” I kiss his shoulder comfortingly.

  “I know, but it’s the only sure thing in life, I’m afraid,” he says, somewhat morbidly and I feel him stroke my hair.

  “I don’t even want to think like that. Life is for living, Smarty Marty,” I say as I spring up and straddle my legs at his sides. “You even said so yourself, the other day.”

  He smiles a sad smile at me and pulls me closer to him.

  “I’m really glad you are here,” he says quietly pulling me to him until our foreheads meet.

  “Me too,” I agree giddily and lean in to kiss him.

  He kisses me hungrily, not even twelve hours ago he dropped me off as he left for work, but it seems like forever ago.

  “I missed you today,” he says between kisses.

  “Not as much as I missed you,” I smile happily and run my hands down his hard torso.

  “The others won’t come through, will they?” he asks, eyeing the door.

  “No, why?” I ask as I impatiently unbutton his jeans.

  “For that reason,” he mumbles, watching me, and then helps me slide his jeans off.

  “Well, well, we
ll,” I say playfully as I see his manhood peaking out of his boxer shorts. “What do we have here?”

  “Fucking hell,” he groans in pleasure as I grab his balls gently and massage them.

  He pulls me aggressively but gently back to him and while kissing me, whips us around until I’m underneath him, squirming against him and wishing the time away until he is inside me again. He unzips my jeans and has them off within a few seconds.

  “Nice pants,” he says as he eyes my pink satin thong.

  “Thanks,” I reply knowingly. “I had you in mind.”

  I love how grateful he looks.

  Within a millisecond, they’re gone.

  “Nice, but better now,” he says as he pushes my legs apart and kneels between them rolling a condom over himself which apparently came from nowhere.

  “You’re eager,” I joke with him.

  “Rach, I can’t fucking see straight today. I keep replaying last night in my head, and I’m going insane,” he whispers into my mouth as he kisses me again. “I need to get inside you.”

  “I’m already wet for you,” I whisper back, knowing I’ve been waiting for this all day, and I’m glad I don’t have to wait until bedtime.

  I’ve gone a year without any, and within a couple of days I’ve turned into a complete nymphomaniac.

  As he pushes carefully into me, I arch my back and wrap my legs around his back almost giving him my full weight. He’s so big and it feels sore but he can’t stop now, I pull away slightly and let him slide into me again, it feels better this time, and again and again. The heat is building between us and our tongues feel like they are dancing a tango of their own accord. I feel my release building just as he says, “Now! Rach…” I don’t get the chance to think about anything as my mind is wiped and replaced by twinkling stars, shivers of delight and unmistakable pure pleasure as I feel him quiver inside me.