If Only

by Yvonne Beattie

  “Yeah, have you got the snow globe for Maggie?” he asks.

  “Yes, it’s here,” I lift up the small gift bag sitting on the floor beside me.

  We bought it for her from a gift shop attached to a café when we ate lunch in town the other day. It’s not quite as classy as they rest of her décor, but it has a quaint little cottage similar to hers inside, and amazingly, two boys and two girls playing in the garden. It made us nostalgic and gave us a giggle imagining that it could be me, Joel, Marty and Maggie, even though it’s children inside the globe, it somehow just seemed perfect. One thing I’ve realised this last two weeks, age really doesn’t matter.

  I’m not so sure it seems like the perfect gift now to first foot her with, but we have nothing else and being New Year’s Day, no where is going to be open.

  “Come on then, happiness,” Joel beckons for me to leave with him.

  “Not today, Joel. Please,” I warn him.

  He raises his eyebrows and takes in a short deep breath, “O-K. This could be a long drive home,” he says quietly to himself and I ignore him, grab my bag and head outside to the car.

  “Ooh, I can’t believe you are both leaving today,” Maggie looks at us sadly while tipping her snow globe upside down and watching it through thoughtful eyes.

  “I know, I’m really going to miss our meal times with you, and all of your amazing stories, Maggie,” I give her a cuddle and force myself not to cry.

  “It’s on you to look after her,” Joel says to Bill as he shakes his hand.

  “She’s in good hands,” Bill says smiling and shaking Joel’s hand with both of his hands. “I promise.”

  “I’ll check in with you daily, Maggie,” I tell her. “I really want to keep in touch, ok?”

  “I certainly hope so, my dear. You’ve become part of the furniture up here,” she smiles not letting my hand go. She turns and places the snow globe on the side table beside her. “In the meantime, I’ll leave this here to remind me of you all.”

  “It’s such a shame you have missed Marty,” Bill says and I notice Maggie’s expression change for a flash.

  She grimaces slightly, then says, “Yes, well. Let’s leave him out of it. He has his reasons,” she adds shortly, without looking me in the eye.

  I feel my lip tremble slightly, so I quickly give Maggie another tight hug goodbye, and then we make our exit before I lose it completely.

  Once in the car, I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Maggie and Bill wave us off from the window, and I bite my bottom lip to try and stop any emotion from overwhelming me.

  “I hate to ask… but do you want me to swing by Marty’s parents house?” Joel asks me without looking at me.

  “No,” I manage to say hoarsely.

  “OK, last chance…” he says while we are stopped at a junction holding other cars up.

  “No,” I repeat impatiently willing him to move.

  “Right-o,” he nods and indicates to turn right.

  As we leave the perimeter of Aviemore, I feel the hot tears slowly streaming down my face. The more I try to stop them, the harder they seem to come. I use the cuff of my sleeve to mop them up until Joel silently hands me a packet of tissues. I’m grateful he isn’t trying to say anything, or even talk to me.

  After a while, I feel exhausted and my tears have subsided slightly. Joel reaches over and gently takes my hand, stroking his thumb soothingly up and down the back of my hand.

  As we drive further south, there is noticeably a lot less snow on the ground, and as we reach the city, there is none at all. Just the damp, sodden ground left behind.

  Chapter 29

  It’s mid-January and everything has resolved back to normal. Well, normal as normal can be now that Malcolm is long gone, and is no longer taking over my small house. I’ve not heard from him at all, but I’m thinking this is a very good thing. And well, normal as normal can be without Marty. I’ve also not heard a peep from him, and I can’t decide whether this is a good thing or not.

  I wrench my duvet cover back up and over my double bed, straightening the side I slept on. The other side lays completely untouched. I’d be lying if I said that Marty isn’t still occupying my every thought, but there is nothing I can do about it. He made his feelings more than crystal clear, and I just need to move on. I can’t possibly shed any more tears, but every time I think he’s run me dry, more seem to come from the depths of despair. I can’t stand it.

  If only it were that easy to eradicate someone from your mind, from your completely broken heart. He may as well have ripped it out of my chest, cut it up with old blunt scissors in front of me, then whirled it up in a blender before stamping on it. And even then, it likely wouldn’t have hurt so much as it still does.

  I finish tidying up, glad that it is Saturday morning and I have plans with Bex today. I’ve barely seen the guys since we returned to Aberdeen. I was back to work on January third, and needless to say, it was a welcome distraction. I’ve made sure that I’ve not had much time to dwell by joining my local yoga centre. I’ve also started cycling and it’s given me a new interest. Even in the cold weather, it helps to numb my mind from everything else, and is certainly helping me sleep. And when I say numb, I mean good and properly numb with the freezing temperatures.

  “How is Maggie doing?” Bex asks me as she studies the people coming in the café door.

  “Good, really good, I think,” she messages a few times a day and I’ve talked to her a couple of times since we left. “I can’t believe I have an eighty-five year old best friend,” I smile at Bex.

  She giggles, “I know, but she’s not exactly average, is she?”

  “Maggie? Hell, no!”

  We both giggle.

  “Do you think you’ll go back up to visit her?” Bex asks.

  “I’d really like to, but I wouldn’t want to bump into Marty,” I confess truthfully while warming my hands on my coffee cup.

  “I get that,” she says studying me for a moment.

  “I still don’t get it, Bex,” I confide in her. It’s the first time I’ve voiced my feelings to anyone about him.

  “Me either,” she says looking slightly disgusted. “He was so into you, Rach. I’m not saying that to make you feel good, or bad, honestly, but it makes no sense to me either.”

  “I know. I keep thinking about Paula mentioning something about an accident, but she wouldn’t tell me any more than that. I never found an appropriate time to bring it up with Marty. To be honest, I never really got the chance,” I sigh drinking some of my coffee. “Maggie always seemed to find a way around not talking about him, she said something about him having his reasons, but… ugh, I don’t know. I evidently meant nothing to him, he hasn’t even tried to get in touch or anything.”

  “Do you want him to?” she asks.

  “I don’t know,” I answer her truthfully. “Why should I want him to? I mean he dropped me so quickly. It’s just all so confusing, Bex. No one would tell me anything about Izzy and what’s his name… Jason, no, Justin, that’s it, either, when they came into the bar.”

  “Wait, who are they?” she asks looking puzzled and I forget she wasn’t there.

  “Sorry, at New Year, we were all in the bar, you know the one we went to on our first night up there?” I explain.

  Bex nods, “The pool night.”

  I half smile in remembrance, “Well, Izzy was the girl that did my nails, you remember her?” Bex gives another small nod. “She walked into the bar with a guy, and Paul, one of Marty’s friends threw them both out. Then, Marty finished with me, and that was the last time I saw any of them,” I shrug and purse my lips trying not to get emotional again.

  “Oh, right,” Bex says and looks like she’s trying to think about what to say next.

  “It’s all a bit undignified,” I sigh again.

  “Yeah, speak about a complex scenario,” she adds tactfully.

  “I did think about going up to see Maggie during the mid-term break in February, but I�
��m not sure. It’s maybe all a bit too soon,” I clarify my reasoning.

  “Hmm, maybe, maybe not. It might give you some closure, you know, to go up clear headed and maybe get some answers,” she suggests.

  “I’m just not sure that I want any now, to be honest,” I finish my cup of coffee and sit back. “And I don’t think I’m any more clear headed than I was before. Anyway, how have you been? How’s this leg of yours? And how is Simon?”

  Bex instantly cheers up, but then looks almost pensive.

  “Right, well, I’ve actually got a little bit of news for you,” she grips her chair pulling herself to sit up a little straighter.

  “Oh?” I wait for her to continue.

  “Yeah, but I’m a bit scared to tell you,” she adds looking guilty.

  “OK, come on, don’t leave me hanging then,” I half smile but wait for the hit.

  “Simon and I are moving to Inverness,” she says very quickly and squeezes her eyes closed for a second, before opening them to look carefully at me.

  I don’t know what to say.

  “Did you hear me?” Bex asks.

  “Yeah. Sorry, yes, I think so,” although I’m not entirely sure that I did hear her correctly. “Did you say you’re moving to Inverness? With Simon?”

  She squeezes her shoulders together appearing excited, “Yes! We just found out for definite yesterday.”

  “I, I thought you were just moving in with him,” I ask wondering if I missed something.

  “Yeah, he did ask me before Christmas, and I had every intention of moving in with him. No point on us paying two separate lots of rent when we usually stay together anyway,” she says. “But instead, we are moving away together.”

  “Wow, I take it you’re happy about this?” I’m not sure what to say, it’s all a bit of a shock.

  “We are very happy about it. We didn’t say anything before because we truly didn’t think he’d get the job, but he did!” Bex elaborates slightly.

  “Job?” I ask.

  “Yeah. So, you remember when Simon and I went to Inverness for the day and ended up getting a bed and breakfast just before Christmas?” she asks.

  “Yes, I remember,” that was the day Marty and I went up the funicular railway. I’m hardly going to forget it.

  “Well, he wanted to show me around a bit and told me about the job he had been head hunted to apply for. He told me he wouldn’t accept it if I didn’t agree to go with him,” she tells me. “Anyway, he was offered the job. It’s a managerial position with the car dealership he currently works for, but he’s flying past a few notches if he moves up there, rather than staying here,” she explains.

  “Wow, that is great for him,” I really am pleased for him. I know he works hard and puts in long hours, so I’ve no doubt he deserves a break. “But what about your job?”

  “Well, I am still only in junior admin, I’m flip flopping, I’m not loving what I am doing just now, and I don’t want to be stuck there forever. I’ve handed in my notice, and we leave in two weeks. I’m going to start looking for something else,” she says happily.

  “I’m really going to miss you,” I tell her honestly.

  “I know, I’m going to miss you like crazy too, but it’s not a million miles away. You get like a million days off with the school holidays, and my family are still here so I’ll be back and forth,” she says having thought it all through already.

  “I’m really glad for you,” I smile at her across the table. “Really. I know how happy Simon makes you, and I know he’ll look after you.”

  “I know you are, I think Simon grew on you a little over Christmas, didn’t he?” she giggles.

  “I wouldn’t go that far,” I laugh. “But yes, he’s hard not to grow accustomed to,” that makes her laugh harder. “How is that leg of yours?”

  She stops laughing and rolls her eyes at it, “The sooner I get this stupid plaster off, the better. They don’t tell you how itchy it is going to be, honestly, Rach. It’s driving me nuts. I’ve got another five weeks to go with it on. Having a shower is a nightmare, getting anywhere in a hurry is impossible.”

  “So you’re just getting on with it then?” I smile at her discomfort.

  “Ha, ha, I’ll have you know, I really have no choice. It was just such a stupid fall, I keep playing it over in my head but, hey-ho, at least it’s only a broken leg,” she shrugs, “Could’ve been worse.”

  I can’t help but looking at her broken leg thinking that a broken leg is much easier to mend than a broken heart.

  The next few weeks carry on much the same. I hear from Joel that he ‘came out’ to his parents and they took it much the same as Bex and Simon. He said his dad has been a bit quieter around him than usual, but he thinks it’s just because he doesn’t know what to say about it. They still meet for a pint, and he’s still been going for dinner once a week to his parent’s house, so all in all, I think he is just very relieved to still have his family. I know he was extremely nervous about telling them, but he did it in his own time, and I feel very proud of him. I also feel proud of the way his dad has apparently been, I know different generations can react differently to things, but he has proven that he loves his son unconditionally, and that is all that matters.

  As I’m walking out of school at the start of mid-term, I hear my mobile phone ringing in my bag. I’m laden down with books, and bags, so I wait until I’ve put everything in the car and sit in the driver’s seat to rake it out.

  It’s freezing cold today and as I put my pin code into my phone, I watch a single snow flake hit my windscreen and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

  Stupid snowflakes are just never going to look the same to me. I still have the necklace that Marty gave me at Christmas, but I stuffed it into the bottom of my jewelry box, not having the heart to get rid of it, but not ever wanting to look at it again. It’s a pity I can’t do anything about snowflakes falling from the sky. Stupid random weather I think to myself, as I quickly glance at all my messages.

  I then go back and check my missed calls, and it is a number I don’t recognise. I often get calls from unrecognised numbers due to my job, so I naturally call it back and wait for the person to answer. It seems to ring for ages, and just as I am about to hang up, someone answers.

  “Hello… is that you, Rach?”

  My breath catches in my throat as my ears obviously betray me.

  “Rachel? It’s… its Marty,” the voice says and I close my eyes, listening to my pulse beating loudly in my head. “Are you there?”

  “Um… Yes?” I manage to say.

  “Listen, have you got a spare minute to talk?” he asks.

  I really don’t feel like speaking to him right now.

  “Um, well…” I start raking my brain for an excuse.

  “It’s important, Rach,” he says, slightly impatiently.

  “Go on then,” I reply.

  “OK, um, I wish I didn’t have to do this over the phone. I really wish more than anything that I could have told you in person, you deserve that…” he says and then pauses.

  “What is it?” I ask getting impatient myself.

  “Rach, Maggie um, she died… this morning,” he says and I hear his voice break.

  I feel the blood rushing to my ears and my hand starts shaking so much I need to lay the phone down. I’m not sure I heard him right, I’m not sure this is really happening at all.

  After a moment, “Rach… are you still there?” I hear him talk loudly into the phone and I manage to pick it up again.

  “Marty… I know you wouldn’t joke about something like this,” I whisper, but he hears me.

  “I’m definitely not joking, Rachel,” he says more patiently, sympathetically. “Listen, the funeral arrangements are being sorted out already. You know what Maggie is like, she had everything red taped already. It’s looking like it may be as soon as Monday or Tuesday. Do you think you’ll be able to come up for it?”

  “Of course,” I reply. “Of course, I’
ll be there.”

  “I thought you’d say that,” he says. “She wanted you to be there. I… I, um, I think we also need to talk too.”

  This takes me by surprise and I don’t know what to say.

  “I… I need to go, Marty,” I need to console myself before I can digest anything more he has to say.

  “I know,” he says sounding extremely sad. “Mum says you’re staying with us, no arguments, ok?”

  I agree because I have no will power to argue.

  “I’ll be there first thing in the morning,” I tell him.

  “OK. Thanks Rach, you take care. I’ll see you then, I’ll be waiting for you.”

  I hang up and completely lose my shit. I thought it was strange that I hadn’t heard from Maggie in a couple of days. She usually replies very quickly, but I’ve been so busy with work, and generally, trying to keep myself busy, I figured she was just busy too. She was always busy, so full of life and love.

  How could she go and die on me?

  Chapter 30

  “Oh, Rachel. I’m just so happy you were able to come up at such short notice,” Deb embraces me as soon as I walk through her front door.

  I can’t help the free fall of tears, again. Just when I thought Marty had emptied the dam, Maggie seems to have found a back up reservoir.

  Deb pulls back to hand me a hanky, “Here you go, come and sit down. Listen, Maggie wouldn’t have wanted us like this, this just wasn’t her style, you know?”

  I give her a vague smile and sit down, trying to stop any more tears, but failing miserably. I’m really not as strong as I like to think I am.

  Martin Senior appears with a tray of tea and biscuits, “Everyone always says tea is the answer to everything,” he says as he lays it down.

  “I just can’t believe it,” I say as I find my voice.

  “I know, we knew it was coming, but it was still such a shock, it always is,” Deb says as she hands me a cup.

  “You knew it was coming?” I don’t take the cup she is offering so she lays it on the table in front of me.

  She sits back down and takes a deep breath, “Rachel…” she bites her lip. “Gosh, I’m so sorry. Maggie didn’t want anyone to know, and she swore us to secrecy as we are the only family she has. Maggie has been fighting cancer for some time now.”