Heard It Through the Grapevine

by Teresa Hill

  “Cathie, it’s ten o’clock at night. Go to bed. We’ll talk about this in the morning.”

  “I can’t. If I don’t go now, I never will.”

  “It’s a three-hour drive—”

  “Then I’ll get a hotel here in town and leave first thing in the morning.”

  “No,” he said.

  But she was through listening to him. She packed a bag for her and the baby, carried them both to the car. He wouldn’t help her. And then she came back for the baby. Matt honestly thought about grabbing them both and just not letting go. He picked up the baby and was holding her when Cathie came back into the room.

  “You’re breaking my heart, Matt,” she said. “Do you want to break hers, too?”

  “I would never—”

  “When she gets older, and she looks up at you with those pretty blue eyes of hers and says, ‘I love you, Daddy,’ what are you going to say? Are you going to tell her love is nothing but an illusion? A lie? Or that it’s just not important? Or let her think there’s something wrong with her, because you don’t love her?” Cathie cried. “She’s already in love with you. She knows the sound of your voice and the way you smell, the way it feels to have your arms around her. She knows. And she’s going to know you’re not there. But it won’t hurt as much as it would if we stayed, and she had even more time to love you. I’m sorry. This is my mistake, my fault. I should have known it would come down to this. I just saw a chance for you and me, and I wanted it so much, it was like I couldn’t see anything else except what I wanted.”

  “Don’t go,” he said again, clinging to the baby in his arms.

  She stood there looking at him, holding out her arms, until he gave the baby to her. With the saddest eyes he’d ever seen, she said, “I’m sorry, but we have to.”

  Cathie put the baby in the car and drove to her parents’ house. When they finally got there, she let her mother carry the baby in while she stood in the driveway sobbing on her father’s shoulder.

  “I messed it all up,” she said, then rambled on. “I was so scared. I prayed about it, and then, when Matt showed up, I got this idea that it was a sign from God, that I was supposed to be with Matt. But I think I told myself that because I wanted him so much. I’ve always loved him, and I thought this was our chance, that we could be together, and no one would have to know what I’d done and how stupid I was. And that everything would be okay. That one day, Matt would love me and the baby, and we’d be together and happy forever.”

  She finally got herself under control, sniffled one last time, and looked up at her father, who looked as calm and confident as ever.

  “Cathie?”

  “Hmm?”

  “How do you know it’s not going to work out like that?” her father asked. “I mean, just because it hasn’t happened as quickly as you wanted, doesn’t mean it’s never going to happen.”

  She blinked back fresh tears, wondering if maybe she hadn’t been impulsive and foolishly hopeful, just impatient. “But, he let me go tonight.”

  “I know. But I don’t think he’ll be able to do without you and the baby for long.”

  They’d made it to Cathie’s parents’ home. He knew because Cathie called. After they left, he sat up in a chair all night feeling utterly miserable, sat there until the phone rang and it was her, saying they’d made it safely.

  Then he just didn’t know what to do with himself.

  The house was like a tomb.

  He finally made the mistake of collapsing on the bed he and Cathie shared and woke up reaching for her. It felt like he hadn’t been asleep for five minutes, when he thought he heard the baby crying. He got up out of bed in a fog and was bending over the cradle before he realized there was no one else in the house, just him. If Emma was crying, he wouldn’t hear it.

  Who’d get up with her in the middle of the night and show her the stars?

  He drank for two days, ignored all calls from his office, tried like hell to figure out what to do.

  His life had never felt this empty. Before, he’d known he was lonely on some level, but he’d been able to push it down inside of him so that it really didn’t hurt. Nothing had really hurt. He’d worked too much and made too much money and bought anything he’d wanted.

  He hadn’t been miserable.

  Now, he wondered every minute of the day what they were doing and if they were okay, if they needed anything. But that was ridiculous. Cathie’s father wouldn’t let them do without anything they really needed. And they would find someone else, someone who wouldn’t have any of the hang-ups he had. Someone who could love them without reservation. That’s what they deserved. Cathie would thank him for this one day.

  By the third day, he thought he could cheerfully die right then and there.

  He hurt, and he had to wonder if it would ever go away. He sat in his big, expensive, empty house, the silence deafening. It mocked him, tormented him. He hated it here with them gone.

  By the fourth day, he just didn’t care anymore what it took to get them back. He just knew he had to do it.

  He got in his car at four o’clock in the morning and made it to Cathie’s parents’ house by seven, walked up to the door and started banging on it like a madman. Mary opened the door, took one look at him and said, “Oh, Matt,” like she did when she seemed to be wondering if he’d ever figure out the way the world worked, like she felt sorry for him. Fine.

  Cathie’s dad was sitting at the breakfast table. He peered over his newspaper and said, “It’s about time, son.”

  “They’re upstairs in Cathie’s old room,” Mary said, stepping aside and letting him in.

  He took the stairs two at a time and didn’t bother to knock on the door of Cathie’s old room. He just barged in.

  Cathie was sitting in a rocking chair in the corner, feeding the baby, and at the commotion, Emma jumped and turned her head toward the door.

  Matt could swear she looked happy to see him, that she smiled and her pretty blue eyes lit up. She started waving her hand frantically and making her squeaking sound.

  God, he was so happy to see them.

  He crossed the room to the rocking chair, got down on his knees in front of it and reached out and touched Emma’s silky soft cheek.

  “How’s my girl?” he asked.

  She cooed and latched onto his pinkie with one of her tiny fists, held on tight as she turned her head and happily went back to nursing.

  “She missed me,” he said, summoning the courage to finally look at Cathie.

  “We both did,” she said.

  “I missed you, too,” he said.

  Cathie’s eyes filled with tears. He cupped her cheek in his hand, reached up and gave her a soft, slow, sweet kiss, fighting the urge to say, How could you leave me like that? and wanting her to swear she’d never, ever do it again.

  “I can’t sleep in our bed,” he said. “I keep waking up and reaching for you.”

  That seemed like the right thing to say, because she said, “I rumble around in the bed in my sleep trying to find you, too.”

  “I keep thinking I hear Emma crying at night, and I get up and go to her crib, but she’s not there.”

  “Matt, I’m sorry, but—”

  “I can’t so much as walk into our bathroom, because it smells like you. The house looks like you, because you’re the one who finally make it look like a home. I’ve hardly eaten. I tried playing the stereo and all the TVs just so the house wouldn’t seem too empty, but it didn’t work. I still knew you were gone. I haven’t been to work, and I don’t give a damn if I ever walk through the doors of that place again. I just want you to come home.”

  She looked like every word hurt, like maybe she hurt as much as he did. He hadn’t thought that was possible, but he did think he was making progress. So he kept talking.

  “There isn’t anyone else I want in my life, Cathie. There never has been. It’s always seemed like a choice between being alone or letting myself have you. I don’t know that I wo
uld have ever let myself have you, because I was so sure there was someone out there who’d be so much better for you than me. And maybe there is. I don’t know. I don’t care anymore. When you found out you were pregnant, I was furious that anyone would ever be so careless and so callous with you. I wanted to strangle the guy, and then it hit me that there was something else I could do. That you needed help, and I could help you. That I could finally have you with something of a clear conscience.”

  “I’ve always wanted you, Matt. I’ve always needed you.”

  “I don’t know anything about love, except what I learned about it from you and your family. Most of which I threw back in your faces. I know that, and I know why. You know why, too. To me, it’s like inviting someone to hurt you. I thought I could save myself from being hurt like that. I thought I could be without you and still be okay. But I’m not, Cathie.”

  He hung his head for a moment and stared at the floor. When he finally looked up at her again, he softly confessed, “I’ve never been any good without you.”

  He thought about what he knew, what he felt, what he did have to give her. Would it be enough?

  “I don’t know how I can live the rest of my life without you and Emma. I know I don’t want to even try. I feel like I’m dying without the two of you, Cathie. Nothing feels right anymore. Nothing feels good. It’s like, when you left, you ripped out a part of me, and I’m walking around with this gaping hole. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill it. I don’t think anyone else could. The best times in my life, I’ve spent with you. If that’s love…I don’t know. It’s how I feel.”

  Very, very slowly, the faintest of smiles spread across her face. “It must be love, because I know I love you, and I feel exactly the same way.”

  “You got me on my knees. I’ll beg,” he said. “Please, come back to me.”

  Emma decided she was done with her breakfast. Her face whipped around, and she grinned up at Matt again and shrieked happily. Cathie lifted the baby to Matt’s shoulder, slid out of the chair until she was on her knees, too, and pressed against him, his arms enveloping them both.

  They were going home.

  ISBN: 978-1-4592-3287-7

  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

  Copyright © 2003 by Teresa Hill

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  *Division One