by Hope Ford
“Peggy, stop it. I’m not into Dr. Greening. I’m not attracted to her. I’m not there to have some secret meeting. You know what I’m doing.”
“Right,” I mutter and shake my head. I have so many emotions running through me right now. Guilt, rage, jealousy, it’s all built up inside me until I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong anymore. “I’ll clean this up later.”
I have to get away.
Jeremy
She’s walking away, and it’s so hard to see her do it. Over the past year it’s been me pushing her away. Over and over, I’ve done everything I could to keep my distance from my wife. I didn’t want her to see me like this, weak and vulnerable, disabled, lost. Fuck, the list goes on and on. I was pushing her away because I knew I couldn’t stand it if she walked away from me. If she didn’t want me anymore.
Now, a year later, she’s doing just that. And not because I’m weak, vulnerable, or anything else. She’s doing it because she thinks I’m interested in another woman. “Peggy, stop. Listen to me, okay? I hate this. I hate what I’m doing to you, but more than anything I hate for you to see me like this. It’s not pretty when I’m weak.” I barely can even mutter the word. “And I don’t want you to see me this way.”
She stopped walking but doesn’t turn around until I’m finished. Which is probably good because I probably wouldn’t have been able to get it out if she was looking at me.
“I know you’re not weak. You’re the strongest man I know, and I love you, Jeremy. You’re my husband, and no matter what, I want it to stay that way. But you can’t keep pushing me away.”
I look down at my hands in my lap. I don’t know why I can’t look her in the eyes. I miss seeing her face, the way her eyes light up and the special smile she has just for me. But I can’t look at her because I’m afraid that’s all gone. That her looks will be filled with pity now instead. “I’m going to do better.”
She sighs loudly, and it hurts to know that my response doesn’t inspire any hope in her. “Sure, Jeremy. I’d appreciate that.”
She walks over toward the sink and starts to do the dishes. I could sit here all night and watch her. She’s curvier than she was when we met over twenty years ago, but to me, she’s still the most beautiful woman in any room. I can’t believe she thinks I would have interest in Dr. Greening. Doesn’t Peggy know she’s the only woman I have ever wanted since the day I met her? I couldn’t even imagine being with another woman. She’s doubting how I feel about her, and without a doubt it’s my fault. I’m the reason that she’s having these thoughts. I haven’t been very loving—hell, I haven’t even been kind to her. I have to do better. I just have to.
4
Peggy
He’s sleeping in the living room again. Why did I think he’d do anything different?
I get ready for bed, and when I climb under the covers I’m angry with myself for hoping he’d come and be with me in our bed. He hasn’t touched me in a sexual way—heck, any way since before he left, more than a year ago, and I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t really want me.
How much longer can we go on like we are? Is he just waiting for me to give up and leave so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy?
That thought whirls around in my mind until I’m up and pacing next to the bed. Before I can back down or talk myself out of it, I go to the living room to confront him. I walk past the twins’ rooms and see they’re both asleep before I go to the other side of the house. The whole way, I’m telling myself not to cry, but as soon as I start to talk, the tears start to roll down my cheeks. He’s moved to the recliner and is sitting in the dark room, no television on, nothing, just staring at the wall.
“I thought we could do better. I thought together we could heal, but you just can’t let me in, and instead of continuing to beg and plead with you I realize that maybe it’s just not something you can do. If we can’t heal together then I think we’d do better separated.”
His hands are gripping each other across his flat stomach. He lifts one of his hands and starts to stroke his beard. I wait, standing there like a fool, wondering if he’s going to fight for me, for us. But it doesn’t take long for me to realize it’s not going to happen. He doesn’t even seem interested in talking this out, and still he won’t look at me.
I start to sob, and I can’t take it anymore. I turn and run back to the bedroom. I throw myself onto the bed and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I cry for the men that are like Jeremy’s brothers, for Jason that lost his life, for Josie and Jaxon, for Cole and his scarred body. And then I cry for Jeremy and me. My hopes and dreams of us overcoming this are dwindling every day. The future looks so bleak without him by my side. I cry until I can’t cry anymore and all I want to do is sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll figure out the rest.
Jeremy
I don’t sleep at all. Hell, I don’t even close my eyes to rest. I’m worried about losing my wife, and even though I’ve pushed her away for so long, I don’t want to lose her. I can’t.
When she walked away, I wanted to go after her. I really did. I couldn’t holler for her and risk waking the kids, but I was already out of my chair and in the recliner. I couldn’t chase after her and plead with her not to leave me even though that’s exactly what I wanted to do.
Peggy should have a husband who will pull her close and be there for her. Before now, I couldn’t keep my hands off her. But since the bombing, I’ve convinced myself that I can’t be the one to do it. That she deserves a man that is whole.
She put a voice to the way I’m feeling. She’s right: I haven’t been able to let her in. I haven’t been there for her like she’s been here for me. This whole year has all been one-sided. She’s given me everything and I’ve offered her nothing. Not even a hug when she’s asked for one. It’s no wonder she thinks I’m cheating on her.
But fuck, as soon as she said the word separated it’s like she’s asking me to swallow a vat of acid. I can’t do it. There’s no way I can let her go. I can’t.
I’m panicked and shaky, so it takes me a long time to get into my chair, but finally I make it. I try to think of what I can do to change her mind as the hours of the night continue to tick by. I wheel myself across the house, down the hallway and to our bedroom. I stare at my wife, who is even beautiful when she sleeps. I ask myself the serious questions, and there’s only one answer. I can’t lose her. Even though I don’t deserve her, I can’t be without her.
I sit and watch her all night. My cock is hard between my legs just thinking about sliding into bed next to her and pressing her body against mine. When the first dawn of light starts to peek through the curtains, I can’t wait any longer.
“Morning, Peggy.”
My voice is husky and soft, and she opens her eyes and stares back at me. For the first time in forever, I look at her. I look in her eyes and instead of pity I see fear and sadness. I hate that I’m the reason she has that look in her eye.
She sits up in the bed and braces herself against the headboard. The sheet has fallen and she’s wearing my army T-shirt. She knows how much I love seeing her sleep in my shirts. Well, she used to anyway.
“I’m going to try and do better. I don’t want to lose you.”
She bursts out sobbing, her head going to her hands. At a loss, because I can’t pull her into my arms, I put my hand on her back and rub. “Honey, please. I can’t stand to see you like this. Please quit crying.”
She shakes her head. “I thought you were in here to talk about the separation.”
“Look at me, Peggy.”
She lifts her head slowly and looks at me. “You deserve better than me. I know you do. But I can’t let you go. I’m sorry.”
She slides to the edge of the bed so she’s facing me. “I don’t want you to let me go, Jeremy. I want you to fight for us. No matter what happens, I love you. I’ll always love you.”
She reaches for me and hugs me, her arms tight around my shoulders. I stiffen, but I don’t push her away. My hand slides u
p her back, and I hold her to me for the first time in a year. I soak in the feeling, not realizing just how much I missed her touch and her affection.
When she pulls away, she’s staring at me, and I know she’s wanting me to kiss her. I can see it in her eyes. I palm her face and run my thumb along her jaw. “I promise. I’m going to do better.”
She doesn’t believe me. I can see it on her face clear as day, but she nods. “I know.”
5
Peggy
That morning he held me in his arms, I’d hoped it was a turning point. I really did. And I wanted to believe that he was going to be different, but so far, he’s already gone back to the way he was before. Normally, I try to draw him out, but instead I’ve sort of withdrawn too.
We’re both at home, and the kids are at school. He’s in the living room, and I’ve been gardening all morning and just came in for a drink of water.
He rolls into the kitchen. “I’m about to go to my therapy appointment. Do you want to come with me?”
I freeze, the cold glass of water held to my lips. I take a small sip. “If you’re okay with it, I’d like to come.”
He nods and grunts and starts to back out of the kitchen.
“What time is your appointment?”
“An hour.”
I nod. I’m going to have to shower and get ready, but there’s no way I’m going to complain about the late notice. I disappear down the hall and get ready and meet him outside. He’s already in his truck and I climb into the passenger side.
Neither one of us says a word on the way, and it’s like I can feel him get even more tense the closer we get. I know he’s having second thoughts about inviting me. “If you don’t want me to go, I won’t. I can sit in the car.”
He doesn’t answer me, and my hope begins to fade. He pulls into the parking lot, parks and turns off the car. He’s fisting the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles are turning white. “I don’t want you to be disgusted when you see how weak I am.”
He’s not looking at me, and his voice is so thick I barely understand him. But there’s no way I’d ask him to repeat it. “You’re not weak, you’re the strongest man I know. Look at what you went through and you made it back home, Jeremy. Now I need you to find your way back to me.”
He’s silent for so long I’m sure he’s going to tell me to wait in the car, but he doesn’t. He opens the truck door, and I immediately get out and grab his chair from the back and wheel it around to his side. He’s standing on his prosthetic legs, clenching tightly to the side of the door. He hates the legs, I know he does. They’re painful reminders of what he’s lost, but he’s determined to walk again. He sits heavily into the chair and shuts the truck door.
I don’t offer to push him. I walk beside him toward the therapist’s office.
Dr. Greening is just as pretty if not more so than I remembered, but the young woman behaves professionally, even if her eyes do get all appreciative and adoring when they are on Jeremy.
I sit on the couch, next to Jeremy’s chair. Dr. Greening doesn’t waste any time in getting started, and it isn’t long before Jeremy is talking about the bombing. He’s staring at a white wall across the room, and there’s a glazed-over look in his eyes. I don’t move a muscle for fear he’ll stop talking. It’s the words I don’t want to hear but know I need to. I have no idea what happened that day the bomb went off. I know it hurt my husband and his friends, killing one of them. All of them are still battling with what happened that day, and listening to him helps me understand a little of what he’s going through. It helps me understand how he felt in that moment, and it’s carried over into his life, slowing his mental and emotional recovery. Jeremy has always been a man in control. He was a born leader. That was his team, and he feels like he let them all down.
When Jeremy finishes talking, Dr. Greening turns to me. She hands me a tissue, and it’s then I realize that I have tears streaming down my face. I didn’t want to wipe them when Jeremy was talking, but I take the tissue and wipe at my eyes. “Peggy, how do you feel about Jeremy’s progress?”
I know it would be so easy to point out how he’s pulled away from me in almost every way, but it isn’t hard to see how vulnerable and exposed Jeremy feels right now. I’m not going to add to it. “It meant a lot to the twins to have their dad take them to get their learner permits. I’m proud to be married to a man who is working to pick himself up after such a horrific incident that cost him his legs and one of his friends. I know it’s going to take time to get back to the way we were.”
Dr. Greening seems happy with what I said. She turns to Jeremy. “You have a wonderful woman by your side, and part of acknowledging that is trusting her and leaning on her as you continue to progress.”
I nod to Jeremy when he looks my way, and he reaches for my hand. I grab on to it like I’ve been drowning in the ocean and he’s thrown me a life jacket. He squeezes my hand, and for the first time in as long as I can remember he looks at me with love in his eyes.
Jeremy
The days following the last therapy session are going well. I start meeting Peggy for lunch when her work schedule allows. We eat in my truck or in a secluded location, but Peggy seems to appreciate the effort I’m putting in to make changes.
I bring her flowers, and they make her smile. I love her smile. It makes me want to kiss her, taste her lips, and hear her soft whimpers that I used to draw from her with just a touch. But she’s standing, and I’m in the damn wheelchair.
We talk over lunch, and I remind her of fun times we had together. I try not to focus on the life I had before, when I felt like I was whole. But almost all of our memories are from before. “Do you remember the day we brought the twins home? We didn’t have a clue what we were doing.”
She laughs and nods her head. “Yes, I remember I freaked out and started crying. The kids were crying, I was a mess.” She looks at me with worship in her eyes. The same way she’s looked at me for twenty years now. “And I remember you held it all together. I know you wanted to freak out too, but you didn’t. You took over, calmed the kids and me, all while convincing me that I was going to be the best mother. And I don’t know how you did it, but you made me believe it. You always were able to do that. Make me feel loved and special.”
Her voice drops off toward the end, and I know she’s thinking about the last year. I haven’t shown her any kind of love in a long time. I have so much to make up for. “Peggy, I’ve never stopped loving you. Do you know how much I loved you that day?”
She nods, and I can tell she’s remembering it. Our wedding day was a small affair because back then we didn’t have the money for anything fancy. But neither one of us cared; we just knew we wanted to be married to each other. That’s all that mattered. And when we had the twins, my God, I never dreamed I could love her more than that day. “Well, I love you twenty times more than I did then. My love grows for you every day. I can’t stop it. Even when I wanted to because I know you’re better off without me, I still couldn’t stop loving you.”
She leans toward me, and I know she wants a kiss. The desire in her eyes is evident, and I want her just as badly. Every night I go to sleep in the recliner with my cock hard for wanting her. But I’m sure that when she leans forward, she’ll place her hand on my knee as she always did and most likely feel my stump. Instead I take her hand, giving it a squeeze and hating myself for not giving her what she wants.
6
Peggy
Today was the best day in a long while, and I’m hoping it’s going to get better. The kids are at friends’ houses for sleepovers, and so Jeremy and I are watching a movie and eating popcorn. It’s a romantic comedy, and several times during the movie I could have sworn I felt him looking over at me like he wanted to touch me.
I’m literally aching for him to touch me. Just to be in his arms again would be enough right now. At least it would be a step in the right direction.
When the credits start to roll, I stand up next to him. “Wi
ll you come back to the bedroom and start sleeping there?”
I hold my breath, waiting for him to respond, but it’s impossible to miss the way he flinches at my request. I’m about to give in and tell him if he’s not ready for that then it’s okay, but to my surprise, he agrees. “You’re right. I need to be sleeping in our bed.”
I nod and turn away to go to our room. I go about my nightly routine, not wanting to make a big deal out of everything, but the whole time there’s excitement growing inside me, knowing that I’m about to be sleeping next to my husband again.
I take my time, and when I get back into the bedroom, I slide into the covers next to him. And just like I do every other night we’ve ever slept together, I reach for him, but this time he freezes up.
I know I should drop it. I know we’ve made a lot of progress recently, and I need to be patient, but I can’t stop myself from opening my mouth. “Why don’t you want me to touch you anymore, Jeremy? I want to touch you.” My voice shakes, and I worry that he’s going to retreat back to the living room. I’ll beg him to stay if I have to.
“I’m glad you want to touch me, but I’m... I’m just not ready for that. It’s me, not you... never you.”
I sigh, and it seems even louder in the dark room. I’m disappointed though. “You know that I don’t care what you look like. I just want to lie in my husband’s arms. That’s it.”
I don’t know if I thought he would hear the pleading in my voice and just magically be okay with it, but it doesn’t happen. In a muted whisper, he says, “I can’t.”
I squeeze my eyes closed tightly. “Okay.” I roll over and turn away from him.
