by Hope Ford
The feeling of being rejected is weighing heavily on me. We lie there for so long, I’m almost positive he’s asleep.
When his hand comes to my back, I almost jerk at the surprise. He rubs me, up and down my back, and it’s the best feeling I’d had in a long time. The moan that escapes my lips couldn’t be held in. Just with a back rub, he’s making me feel this good.
Then his hand slides lower on my hip, and he pulls me until I’m lying on my back. His hand dips inside my underwear, and he cups my mound. I look over at him, but it’s almost pitch black in the room so I can’t see anything. But I can hear his breath and the way it picks up speed.
His fingers separate me, and he glides one through my slick folds. “Fuck, baby, you’re so wet.”
“Mmm. Yeah, but you shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve always been this wet for you.” I lift my hips and urge him to enter me. His long finger goes in and out of me in a slow, deep, plunge.
“I just thought...” he starts but trails off.
I grab his hand and move it to my clit. He draws circles around my swollen nub. I want to get lost in the feeling, but I know there’s something important to say. “What? You just thought what? That I wouldn’t be turned on by you anymore? Jeremy, I can see you across the room and I need to change my panties. I’m wet, all day, every day, for wanting your hands on me. Nothing will ever change that.”
He grunts at me, and I know that already, for a guy that doesn’t show his emotions, he’s already said and done a lot today. I let it go as he continues to please me. I’m so slippery wet for him, it doesn’t take long for the orgasm to race through my body. He doesn’t stop until I’m completely satisfied, and the tiny aftershocks have finally stopped shaking my body.
“I can...” I start to tell him I can do the same for him, but he stops me.
“I’m fine. Thank you for that, Peggy.”
I roll onto my side and face him. Even though I can’t see his face, I stare across the pillow at him. “I’m the one that should be saying thanks.”
He reaches for me in the dark and lays his hand on my hip. I do my best to stay awake and savor the feel of laying in my husband’s arms, but sleep draws me in.
Jeremy
Every day gets better. We laugh and talk and do things together. But I’m still not affectionate, not like we once were... not like she wants to be, the way I want to be. The moments when I want nothing more than to kiss her are stolen by the fucking chair I’m in.
I start doubling up on my muscle building and practicing with the prosthetic legs. Instead of twice a week physical therapy, I go to three and then two other days a week I go in to the office and do work on my own. I get better and better walking on my prosthetics. I’m able to do more and start feeling better about myself.
I pull into my driveway when my phone rings. I look at the caller ID, and it’s Patton. He was a medic that we served with. He may not have been on the lines with us, but he saved more lives than anyone. Plus he was Jason’s best friend. I know he took losing Jason the hardest. “Hey, Patton.”
“What’s up, brother? How you doing?”
“I’m doing better, actually.”
He laughs. “That’s great, man. I can hear it in your voice. Cole told me he came and saw you a few weeks ago.”
I grunt. “Is that what he called it? More like he tried to knock some sense into me, but you know I got his drift. I’m getting my shit together. What about you? How you doing? How does it feel to be home?”
“Good. The hospital is busy. It’s nothing like—well, you know, but it keeps me busy.”
I nod understandingly. “Yeah, so you don’t have to think about anything else.”
“Yeah,” he mutters into the phone.
There’s silence, so I have to ask him. “What about Cora? You see her lately?”
As soon as I say Jason’s little sister’s name, I can feel the change in Patton. He’s closest to the family, more than any of us, but we all promised Jason that day we would look out for her.
“Yeah, I’ve seen her.”
He pauses after that, and I wait for him to continue. When he doesn’t, I ask, “Well, how is she?”
“Uh, well I’ve seen her, but I haven’t actually talked to her.”
“Patton, what the fuck, man? You went to work at the same hospital as her. We promised...”
He almost snarls. “You don’t think I know that? I know. I’ll talk to her.”
We talk about the guys, Cole and his girlfriend Hope. We talk about therapy, and when I hear his name on an intercom, I realize that he called me from work. “I gotta go.”
“Thanks for calling, man. Talk to you soon. And talk to Cora.”
I hang up. We’re all going through things since that day and we’re all dealing with it in different ways. I’ve been so lost in my own misery that I sometimes forget how it’s affected the other guys. I’m going to have to start checking on them and making sure they’re all right, and I’ll do it as soon as I fix everything with my family.
“How was everyone’s day?” I ask as I come in from another day at therapy. I missed dinner, but I’m sure Peggy will understand.
“Jeremy, look at you!” she exclaims, and when I smile at her it’s like the past year never happened. It’s like I’ve come home and she’s excited to see me.
She starts toward me, but I hold my hand up to her and toward the kids. Their faces are so bright and happy, I’m so glad to see them looking at me the way they are right now. “I’ve been working in therapy more and more, practicing a lot, but I’m still not the best, and walking takes a lot of concentration.”
Peggy looks disappointed for just a second, no doubt because I didn’t let her come to me, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment by falling on my face. “That’s why I’ve missed some of our lunches. Don’t be mad.”
She’s shaking her head. “I’m not mad. You should have told me, but I’m not mad.”
It makes me feel so happy to see how happy my family is with my hard work. Just walking through the house proves harder than I expected, but I do it.
I take a couple steps farther into the kitchen, making it to the table, and sit down carefully.
Josie and Jaxon both sit on each side of me. “You’re doing so great, Dad,” Josie says.
I reach over and ruffle her hair. “Thanks, honey.”
Jaxon is looking at me in such awe, I do the same to him. It feels good to see my kids look at me this way again. It’s worth every bit of pain these last few weeks of pushing myself harder.
Peggy returns to the kitchen and brings me a plate of spaghetti that she had to reheat. “I’m proud of you,” she says, and the kids echo her too.
“I’ve got a long way to go still, but at least I’m making headway.”
Peggy smiles at me. “Absolutely! I think this is great. You can come to Josie’s basketball game tonight!”
“What?” I say, surprised that Peggy has made such a huge leap. Doesn’t she realize I was worried the whole way in here I was going to fall on my face? Walking into a high school gymnasium and then finding a seat all while trying not to get tipped over by crowds sounds like an impossible request. If I took a hard spill in the gymnasium, my daughter would be humiliated. It isn’t worth the risk.
“The wheelchair made you feel conspicuous before, but now you can use your legs,” Peggy insists with a huge smile, not realizing what she’s doing to me right now.
These aren’t my legs, I want to scream.
“It isn’t that easy, Peggy.” I push my plate away, having lost my appetite.
Peggy eyes my barely touched plate of food and narrows her gaze on me. “Nothing is easy, but we’ll be there too. I’ll help to steady you if you need it.”
She sees me as a burden. She shouldn’t have to help me.
“It’s not the right time,” I tell her.
The kids are looking between us, and the happiness that shone on their faces only minutes ago is long gone now.
&nbs
p; “Of course it is. You’ve made it to the baseball games. Why can’t you come to your daughter’s basketball games?” Peggy asks, taking the plate from the table.
I fist my hands in my lap. Why is she being so unreasonable?
I’ve been to a few of my son’s baseball games, but only because I can park out by the outfield and watch from my truck. I was able to stay away from people. “Baseball is outdoors. It’s different.”
Peggy opens her mouth to argue, but Josie beats her to it. “Quit fighting. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to go.”
“Josie, no, I want to go, I just can’t,” I try to explain to her.
She looks at me as if she doesn’t believe me, but Josie’s not one to cause problems. “I know, Dad.” But even hearing her say it, I know she doesn’t truly believe it. She shrugs her shoulders and walks away.
Jaxon gets up and quietly leaves the kitchen too. I’m left with a fuming wife who doesn’t seem to understand what she’s asking of me. It’s impossible.
7
Peggy
It’s always something. He never used to be like this. Plenty of things he had to do in the past were hard, but he didn’t just not try.
I know I should talk to him, try to make him realize what he’s missing, but I can’t. I’ve pushed and pushed so much that now I just feel like I’m nagging him. Eventually, he’s going to have to realize that it’s not his injuries that are tearing us apart, it’s his refusal to be a part of this family. I never would have believed it if someone had told me my husband would be sitting at home while our kids played a ballgame. Jeremy never misses a thing unless he’s out of town on deployment. But he’s home now, and we need him in our lives.
I left the kitchen shortly after the kids did. I got ready and made sure Josie has all her things. Jaxon’s already outside, no doubt worried there’s going to be another blow-up and he wants no part of it. “Fill up your water bottle, Josie.”
She grabs it out of her bag and goes into the kitchen. I walk toward the door, and I can feel Jeremy’s eyes following me. “We’re leaving, are you sure you don’t want to go?” I ask again, hoping he’ll remember that he’s strong and brave and come with us.
He’s quiet for so long, I realize he’s not going to answer me. He’s only going to stare at me as if daring me to say something else. I take a deep breath and try to say as calmly as I can, “We don’t care how you get there, Jeremy. We don’t care what any of those people think. We just want you with us. That’s it. This last year has put it all into perspective, and nothing is more important to us than having you here with us. We almost lost you that day. We. Just. Need. You.”
Josie comes back into the room, and no doubt she overheard. “Mom, he doesn’t want to come. Let it go.” She grabs the bag she had dropped by the front door and walks out of the house without saying a word to her father.
I look at Jeremy, and I’m so disappointed that he shakes his head at me. “I’m doing what I can do.”
“Are you sure about that?” I ask as I shoulder my bag. He looks at me, and I return his hard gaze. When he says nothing, I know it’s just another battle I lost and another important moment for our daughter that he won’t be a part of.
I turn and walk out the door, closing it swiftly behind me.
Jeremy
One by one, my family walked out of the house. All my years in the army, when I was on leave and home with my family, I always made a point to never miss a thing. Never. In the past year, I’ve missed more moments than I can count. I’m not the man to stay behind.
I don’t know how long I sit here just thinking about how over and over I’m letting my daughter, my son, and my wife down. Every day I’ve worked hard to be the man I need to be, and when push comes to shove, I give up, I don’t even try.
I bang my fist on the chair. “Fuck it.” If I fall on my face, oh well, at least my family will know I wanted to be there.
I go and get cleaned up and head out to my truck. Everything takes twice as long now, but I’m not going to let that stop me. I get to the gym and break out into a sweat as I sit in the handicapped parking spot right up front.
Taking deep breaths and practicing the calming techniques I’ve learned in therapy, I force myself to get out of the truck. I take my time and walk through the front doors, buy my ticket, and stand at the door of the gymnasium just as my daughter’s team scores a basket. Everyone is screaming and hollering, and parents are high-fiving each other. I ignore the pointed stares from the people closest to me. Some of them I recognize and some I don’t, but I’m not in the mood for chitchat.
I spot my wife. She looks beautiful. She has on her purple T-shirt with the school mascot on the front of it. She’s smiling from the recent score, and I watch as she high-fives the man next to her.
My wife is sitting next to our daughter’s best friend’s dad, who is recently divorced. I can see the man giving Peggy more attention, and I get predatorial just watching him. Peggy is clueless to how beautiful she is. No matter how many times I’ve told her through the years, she thinks she’s too heavy or that her nose is too big. She doesn’t see what I—and evidently the man sitting next to her—see. My hands fist at my sides. Whether I fall flat on my face or not, I’m going to sit next to my wife. I want all her smiles. I want her everything. I know I have a hard time with stairs, but I’m determined to sit with my wife. Thankfully, she’s sitting in the second row.
The long hours of practicing and building strength in my thighs has paid off, and I’m able to climb the two small steps to sit down next to Peggy. When I lower myself next to her, she’s sitting with her hand on her heart and tears in her eyes. Pride is shining in her face. Then as I’m returning her smile, my eyes go to her mouth, and before I can think better of it, I kiss her. Her arms go around my neck, and I stay right where I’m at, offering the most heartfelt kiss I’ve ever felt. I try to put everything I’m feeling into that kiss because I don’t ever want her to doubt me again.
When I pull away, she’s so happy, she’s smiling ear to ear. I take her hand and hold it between both of mine.
A groan breaks out from the crowd, and when I look toward the game, our daughter is picking herself up from the floor. She goes to the line to take a foul shot. As the crowd begins to quiet, I call out to her, “Remember your follow-through.”
Josie looks up to the stands for me. The moment when she sees me her whole face lights up, and it makes tears well in my eyes just seeing how much it means to my daughter that I’m here. She waves to me and then impressively makes both shots.
“Hey, Dad!” Jaxon says as he comes toward us. He usually sits with his friends, but for tonight, he comes and sits with Peggy and me. Instead of the fist bump he usually gives me, he leans in for a hug, and my heart constricts in my chest. In this moment, I’m realizing how long it’s been since I’ve hugged my children. I give him a tight squeeze, and when he sets down next to me, I make a promise to myself that for now on, no matter what shit I’m feeling, I’m going to hug my children and my wife. For the rest of the game, I have one arm around Peggy. The divorcé next to her told me hi, but the rest of the evening, we enjoyed just being together as a family, cheering on Josie and her team.
8
Peggy
Having Jeremy at my side makes me realize just how alone I’ve felt. So many times I’ve been on my own, not fitting in with the single moms or the couples. Having him with me makes me feel like I’m complete. Jeremy’s arm stays around me for the whole game, and because I can’t resist, my hand is holding tightly to his thigh. I can feel his muscles under my palm twitch, but I don’t let go.
When the game is over, we sit and wait for the crowd to thin out, and then we walk out of the gymnasium hand in hand. We stand outside, waiting for Josie, while other parents come and talk to us. “Dad!” Josie screams, and we turn to see her weaving through the crowd of parents waiting for their kids. She runs toward us and slows down when she gets close. She doesn’t reach for him, but I can tell h
ow excited she is. “You came! Thank you for coming. I made those two shots because of you.”
Jeremy laughs. “What about the other ten shots? I don’t get credit for those?”
Josie laughs, and the smile freezes on her face when her dad reaches for her and pulls her in for a hug. Finally, when she’s right against him, her arms go around his waist and they stand there for the longest time. I can’t hold back anymore, and a sob leaves my lips before I try to get myself under control.
Jeremy pulls back and sniffs, letting me know that it affected him too. “I’m proud of you, sweetie. I’m proud of you both.”
He pulls Jaxon into his side and holds his son and daughter before lifting his eyes to mine. I can see everything he’s feeling in that moment—joy, love, and relief—but the pain and sadness is still there too. But now, I know we’re going to be okay. I have no doubt in my mind we’re going to make it through this.
“A bunch of people are going to eat pizza to celebrate, and Caroline wants to know if I can stay over,” Josie says.
“Yeah, Mack wants to know if I can go too. He’s got that new baseball game.”
I look at Jeremy to see what he thinks, and he pulls me into his side. “That’s fine. We’ll pick you up tomorrow morning and do something together as a family.”
Instead of complaining about coming home early, they’re both excited and hug us both bye.
Jeremy and I walk out to the parking lot together, hand in hand. “I’m so happy you came.”
“Me too. C’mon, I’ll walk you to your car.”
I start to resist and tell him no. His truck is parked in the front row, but I decide to just nod my head. When we get to my car a few aisles back, I unlock it and open the door.
“Jeremy, I’m afraid when I get in and you go to your truck, that it’s going to be different when we get home. So I want to know if...” I trail off, knowing that I sound stupid. But I am worried that when we get home, he’s not going to want me to touch him again.
