Good Enough to Trust (Good Enough, Book 2 - Going Back)

by Stoneley, Zara

  “I don’t.” I took the piece of paper. “I did. But I don’t now, not anymore.” And I didn’t. I was sad, there was a stab of pain in some place deep inside that could have been my soul, but it wasn’t hate and it wasn’t guilt, it was just a childlike need to cry over something I couldn’t make better.

  ***

  “You’re back.” Charlie gave me a bear hug and ruffled my hair up in the most annoying way he could.

  “No, I’m not.” I struggled to free myself enough to talk, oh and to breathe but those lanky arms held me in.

  “Well, you’re a bloody convincing apparition.”

  “I can’t talk properly, Charlie.” My cheek was still squished against a chest that felt a bit broader than it used to be, and I sounded like I was talking through cotton wool.

  “Probably a bonus.” He laughed good-naturedly and I tightened my arms round him. It was good to be home.

  “Cheeky bugger. I’m back but—” he eased off a bit and I found out I could breathe normally again “—I’ve not quite sorted everything.” He didn’t push it, Charlie wasn’t the type. He was easy come easy go, and just wanted everyone to be cool. So if I said things were fine, then that was good with him. So I did. “Everything’s good though.”

  “You going back to good old Grove and Grove early then?”

  I’d been told I could have a year out from my old job, and we were only a few months in. But, to tell you the truth I missed the place, the routine, and I was sure I’d be back there number crunching way before Christmas rolled round again. “I miss it.”

  “You’re mad.”

  But I knew he understood. Charlie was a bit of a geek, and although he didn’t love numbers in the way I did, he knew what it meant to need to solve problems. Just for the sake of it.

  “Maybe.” I laughed. “How are you and Anna doing then?”

  “Didn’t they tell you?” He suddenly looked wary and loosened the bear hug completely. Held me at nearly arm’s length, which was good for my squashed nose, less good for my suspicious mind.

  “Tell me what?” I could feel my eyebrow quirk up in warning and hear my voice tighten. Okay I hadn’t actually given Holly and Dane much opportunity to talk about anything but me, but if it was important….

  “We’re erm—” he looked sheepish, but almost determined “—engaged.”

  “Wow.” My breath whooshed out in a relieved rush, but my mouth stayed open as my brain stopped working for a moment while it sunk in. Charlie, wedding, weird. It was good, but it was weird. Yeah, good enough to stop the goldfish impressions.

  “Yay, congratulations Charlie, I’m pleased for you, I really am.” I high fived him and he looked a bit shell shocked.

  “You’re not going to tell me I’m rushing it, or I’m too young or anything?”

  “Nope.” I grinned. I wasn’t. I was pleased. Maybe in some strange way we were all starting to grow up. Which was a terrifying thought.

  “Oh, now there’s a first. What happened to you? You should go away more often.”

  “Don’t push your luck, Charlie boy. And how could I say you’re too young? You’re practically on the shelf, any day now you’re going to turn from surfer dude into looking like some aged rock star.”

  Okay he didn’t really, he was only a year old than I was, but teasing was what our relationship was all about. It had stopped us getting serious, stopped us crossing the line and wrecking a beautiful friendship.

  “Cheeky cow, and what do you mean surfer dude? I’ve never been near a surfboard in my life.”

  I grinned, it seemed like another life, not just a few days before Christmas when Holly had decided to label Charlie the surfer dude. Personally I couldn’t quite see it beyond the dirty blond curls and the blue eyes, and open face, but she obviously had a good imagination. Or maybe it was because she’d had her hands on that body of his.

  “Blame Holl. So when’s the day?”

  “Dunno.” He had that bashful look again. “Haven’t broken the news to the folks yet.”

  “Wimp.”

  “Through and through, that’s me.”

  “Does Anna know she’s marrying a mouse?”

  “She loves me just the way I am.” He had the widest grin imaginable plastered all over his face and I thought that any minute he was going to start leaping around like an excited girl. The key to it all, accepting someone just the way they were. I was sure she did and maybe it was something I needed to think about doing a bit more of.

  “I’m sure she does.” I closed the gap between us and kissed him on the cheek then gave him another hug. I loved Charlie, he was straightforward, caring and loveable. But I think he’d been glad I’d gone away when I had and given him and Anna the space they needed to kiss and make up. It would have always been complicated if I’d been there making judgement.

  “Thanks, Soph. I know you weren’t sure I was doing the right thing.”

  “It’s none of my business.”

  “I know, but I want you to be happy for us to.”

  “I am, truly.” We looked at each other and I knew it would be alright. Well, I hoped so, for Charlie’s sake. I’d told him not to go back, not to make the same mistakes, but sometimes I suppose you have to go back before you can go forward.

  “So, what’s the plan?”

  “Is Anna around?”

  He shook his head and grinned pure naughtiness.

  “Can we do pizza and chilling for a couple of hours, like we used to?”

  We got a pizza delivered and I raided his fridge for cold beers, and then flicked through the TV channels until I found some non demanding light entertainment that we could laugh at. And it was almost like old times, except I couldn’t quite relax. I’d wanted an evening of chilling and not thinking, but thoughts kept knocking on my brain, questions that needed answering.

  “I need to do a bit of digging on the internet.”

  Charlie understood, he always had done. “Sure, you want to borrow my laptop, or have you got yours?” I grabbed mine from my bag in the hallway and we settled down on the settee, feet up, like we had when we were students. Him playing games, me surfing.

  I found out lots about mixed gliomas, more than I wanted to know. But mainly I found out the answers to my questions. Everything Liz had told me had been true, from the way they could alter personalities, cause problems with memory and co-ordination, to the anger and fear that would have slowly invaded the part of his mind that was still okay.

  How my Dad had ever managed to keep this from us, how he’d coped with knowing that it would get worse, that one day when he was angry he might do more than just leave bruises on Mum I couldn’t begin to understand. We’d thought he was drunk when he’d swayed or slurred his words, we thought he’d hated us when he’d ranted and raved, but inside he’d been fighting a demon in his head that was slowly killing him. Eating him from the inside out.

  I took a deep breath and shut the laptop lid down. Tipped my head back and closed my eyes. The one person I really wanted with me right now, the person I wanted to tell every small detail to, the man I wanted to trust wasn’t here. Ollie.

  Chapter Twelve

  “What are you doing here?” That came out wrong. And squeaky. And I was wearing woolly pink bed socks, and some cartoon pyjamas that were what my mother could have called functional. And I’m pretty sure I had bed head hair, because I’d fallen asleep in front of the TV. Not sexy, not good.

  He just looked, his gaze drifting over my body with the kind of caress that made my nipples go hard and my stomach clench with anticipation. I would have pulled my dressing gown round me, but I hadn’t got one. He finished his mental undressing, which I’m pretty sure didn’t take much effort, then his eyes locked onto mine. He looked grey.

  “You look knackered.” But still sexy.

  “I am.” There was gravel in his voice that could have been exhaustion, but I think had more to do with my state of undress.

  “You’ve just driven up?”

&n
bsp; He nodded.

  “Why?” Oh, God, I wanted him. And now I couldn’t stop asking silly questions.

  “I just had a feeling you needed me.”

  Spot on.

  “Do you want to come in?” He’d never been in my place, but he didn’t even glance round to get his bearings. He just kept right on looking at me as he stepped in and I took an involuntary step back, which took me straight to the wall.

  “You’re not pleasing anyone, Sophie.” That voice was all over my body far more effectively than any hands had ever been. “Not you, or me, or Will.”

  I swallowed hard and wished he’d kiss me. But he didn’t, he just got a bit closer so that the coldness of the wall hit my back and the heat from his body hovered between us.

  “I know.” My voice wasn’t working properly. Swallowing didn’t help.

  “Why can’t you face up to who you are?” He was even closer and the little tremor that went through me had nothing to do with the draught from the still open door.

  “And who your parents were.” His voice was low, and he didn’t sound angry, just a bit sad and frustrated. “At least they knew how to love.”

  Which should have annoyed me but it didn’t.

  “I’m trying.”

  “You need to try harder.” The warmth of his mouth caressed the V where my shoulder met my neck and I swear my legs wobbled.

  “Do you think you should shut the door?” I sounded more strangled than squeaky now, but my hammering heart was distracting me.

  “Always the practical one.” He kicked out and the door slammed shut. He went back to the sensitive spot on my neck and sucked, and this time a rush of something went straight down to my pussy, and I moaned. I couldn’t help it. His tongue circled and I fisted my hands in the front of his shirt. Then his teeth nibbled their way up to my chin and I quivered, all the way from my scalp to my ridiculous socks.

  “I need you. No more talking, I just need you.” And I couldn’t have replied if I’d wanted to because his mouth covered mine and all I could think about was the taste of him. His tongue circled mine, his teeth skated down the edge of my tongue and he tasted and smelled of pure sex. I reached down to unbutton his jeans. I needed him too, far more than he thought. My hand snuck inside his pants and the heat of his cock made my stomach clench in response. I could smell his pre-cum before I felt the dampness on my fingers and then I forgot how to think as the warmth of his own strong fingers found its way into my stretchy pants.

  He groaned and deepened his kiss as his finger slipped inside me, his teeth clashing with mine. My fingers were still curled round his hard cock but I reached up with my other hand, entwining my fingers in his thick hair, pulling him down tighter, deepening a kiss that was far more than just a meeting of lips.

  “Stop that.” He dragged his mouth from mine and for a moment we both sucked in air, then he eased my hand from his cock. “Not yet.” Pulled it high above my head, then pulled my other hand from his hair and it joined the first. I did what I expect was a frustrated pout and he gave a lopsided grin. “My rules for once.” Then his rock hard body pressed against mine and a tongue that felt hard enough to turn me on started to explore my mouth again. He was hot and he was damp, demanding and tasted oh so sweet, so that all I could do was surrender, let him push hard against me, let him set the pace and punish my mouth with his. He teased and he sucked, ran his tongue along my teeth until every bit of me felt on edge, bruised my lips with nips and tugs of his teeth until every bit of me started to blend into him then he let go of my wrists, rested hot hands on the naked skin of my waist and propelled me back until my legs hit the bed and we sank together into a mattress that seemed to swallow us up. I wrapped my legs around him, tried to pull him closer so that I could mash my needy pelvis against his. Then all of a sudden he stopped, pulled himself up on his elbows and looked at me like he thought he’d lost his mind.

  “I can’t do this.”

  Shit.

  “Whatdoyoumean?” It came out in a rush, which was pretty near impossible given the way I was practically panting, for it, for him. “You can’t, you must, I must, I need, I think I mean, you can’t—”

  He laughed, but it wasn’t cruel, it was needy and wanting and lust. “I didn’t mean I don’t want every gorgeous bit of you. I meant not like this.” He reached down before I could catch on what he was going to do, and the flimsy pyjama bottoms came off in one quick tug. “These are indecent.” Then he ripped them apart, his body still trapping mine against the mattress and as I reached up to try and rescue them he took my wrists again, pinned them high and had the torn bottoms binding them before I’d got round to shutting my mouth. Two seconds, I swear it was two seconds and he had me tied, helpless, to the bed and boy did it turn me on. I was panting, and squirming and hoping against hope that he was about to rub that swollen hard cock of his against my damp pussy but he knelt up, between my legs and ran his finger down my stomach until my muscles quivered in response. Then he swung off the bed, looking round.

  “Ha, you are some untidy girl aren’t you? Old habits die hard.” He was grinning as he fished a pair of stockings from under the bed, his grin spreading into a smile that threatened to split his face as he took one of my ankles and wrapped the black stocking around it, then secured it to the bottom bed post. He hadn’t even got to the other ankle and I swear I felt like one finger on my thigh and I’d be coming. The cold air bathed my inner thighs but my face was burning hot with anticipation and need and I ran my damp tongue over parched lips as his cock stood to attention at his flies. He finished the undressing job then, slowly, oh so slowly. Eased his jeans down all the way so that I could see those tight lean hips, peeled his T-shirt off so that I could imagine licking that broad strong chest, sprinkled with dark hairs, tanned nut brown apart from the black tattoo on the front of his left shoulder. For a moment, a brief moment I couldn’t take my eyes off it, like a ship’s wheel, eight spokes and intricate, but I was burning up on the outside and trembling on the inside and when he took the single step back to the bed my breath hitched in my throat and all I could do was stare into those dark eyes.

  They were almost black, too dark to read and a shudder of expectation ran through me, then he leaned forward and his lips were soft against mine, which was far more shocking than the harsh pressure of before. His mouth lingered on the soft skin of my neck, his tongue tracing a damp trail, then he sucked gently and my cunt clenched with need.

  “Please.”

  He ignored me, pressing the sensitive spot with the tip of his tongue as he sucked. I closed my eyes, tried to control myself but I could feel the prickle in my nipples as they hardened in response. He moved down, his hand cradling my swollen breast as his mouth nipped gently and his tongue swirled softly against each nerve ending, and then he took the hard swollen bud in his mouth and I clenched my fists, fighting the ties, tensing every muscle with need. A need to hold him, a need to cradle his head as he sucked. But I couldn’t, and even my stomach was clenching and my thighs tightening as I moaned. He moved on then, his mouth burning a slow tortuous path down to my navel, and then he paused.

  “I don’t know whether this is hello or goodbye.” His teeth nipped at the soft skin on my stomach. “The first time or the last, but I’m going to do it properly.” And his harsh growl seemed to travel through his body to mine for the split second before his tongue swept along my pussy. I wailed. That’s the only description. He did it again, a long sweep of warmth and wet that made me shake and push down against him as much as the ties would let me.

  “You’re beautiful.” His finger replaced his tongue as he slid in, knuckle deep then out again, then he did it again and I was close to crying. I’d never hung around for temptation, I was a do it now girl, but right this second I had no choice.

  “Look at me.” I looked at him, straight into those tawny eyes and he held my gaze as he thrust, and his eyes darkened as I moaned and whimpered, and he played me and kissed me and sucked me and licked me until I w
as practically vibrating, and all the time he watched me. I tensed as I got closer, as my body started to tighten with need and he went with me, thrusting harder until I was gasping and writhing, and then his mouth came down on me, sucked the very core of me and I came.

  I was still trembling when he thrust deep inside me, a slow, deep languorous thrust that brought us closer together than we’d ever been, and each time he plunged inside me it was steady, deliberate, taking us nearer to a point that we wanted to delay for as long as possible. We rocked together in a steady rhythm, his mouth close enough to kiss, his heat close enough to feel. And his gaze never left my face and I think for the first time ever in my life I realised what making love could mean.

  ***

  He was wrapped around me, a safe cocoon and his breathing was deep and steady, his lips brushed over my hair stirring something inside me, even though I was so knackered I felt like I could have slept for a week.

  His hands tightened around me. “I don’t want to share you, I can’t do that, for a while I thought I could just live with it, if it meant I could be with you. But I can’t, and I don’t think I ever could.” The edge in his voice tore at something deep inside me. “We were kids when we started this, too young to know what we’d got going for us and when it all went wrong I thought maybe it was better to back off. I was scared I couldn’t give you what you needed, Sophie, some days I was scared I couldn’t even look after myself let alone someone else.”

  “I know.” I studied the oh so familiar chest, thought about the scars that I was starting to accept. “You don’t have to.”

  Messing around was one thing, but me and Ollie had always been something different. It had just taken me a while to admit it to myself.

  “Share me, I mean. I’m not doing anything with Will, or his brother.” He stilled and I could imagine the raised eyebrow. Oops, motor mouth at it again, too much information.

  “He’s got a brother?”

  “Two.” In for a penny, in for a pound. “But I’ve only met one. He’s a nice guy Ollie, but that’s all.”