By My Side

by Wendy Lou Jones

  Sirens blazed and everyone fell into place. The casualties came in, were processed and shipped out to various wards or straight into theatre as needed. And when all the smoke had settled and the back-log whittled down, Kate found a moment to reflect on Adam’s disappearance. His mother, she thought, it had to be his mother. Losing a much-loved grandparent had been bad enough, but an only parent? Kate couldn’t possibly imagine what the poor man had to be going through.

  On Friday Kate was watchful. She scanned the cases in casualty for broken bones. She walked slowly off to break and wandered back a tortuous route, hoping the more time she spent and the more ground she covered would increase her chances of seeing him. But it wasn’t easy falling for a shadow. Every time the sun stopped shining, he seemed to disappear.

  A few days later Kate had the task of escorting an elderly man with a broken hip up to Ascot Ward. As she walked on to the ward she could hear voices ahead of her raised in battle. She wheeled the gentleman down to the nurses’ station and passed a side-ward where a middle-aged couple, obviously unhappy with the treatment of their relative, were making their feelings known. She glanced sideways and saw the harrowed face of Adam Elliott and suddenly her heart wrenched. His brow was stoical, but in the brief moment that she saw him, Kate could see a world of pain hiding behind those lonely blue-grey eyes and she longed to reach out and comfort him.

  She handed over the patient, all the while trying to hear what was going on further up the ward.

  “Kate?” the nurse prompted.

  “Sorry. Um, Mr Green. Yes, er… fractured neck of femur, right side, analgesics given in A&E.”

  “Don’t you walk out on me when I’m talking to you!” a shrill woman’s voice yelled.

  Kate looked over and saw Adam rapidly making his way out of the ward, in the other direction. “It’s all there,” she said, a sense of urgency rising in her voice. “Okay, Mr Green?” Desperate to get away, Kate handed over the notes and raced off in the direction Adam had taken. She reached the door seconds behind him. Which way had he gone? Then she spotted him, striding down the corridor to the right, his fists clenched at his sides and his shoulders square and rigid like a soldier.

  Kate walked as fast as she could, but failed to keep up with his forceful pace. She stepped up to a jog and only then began to gain on him. Down the staircase and along the other corridor she followed him. But he took a door to the right and Kate arrived outside and paused, wondering what she was about to crash in on. It was a tutorial room with no window. She had to take the chance, so she took a deep breath and walked in.

  Adam was alone. She found him leant over a table, with his arms outstretched and his hands spread wide. He turned, startled by the intrusion in his private retreat and in that first moment, before the shutters went down, Kate could see the anger and desolation burning inside him. She closed the door behind her and walked towards him. Adam held a hand up to stop her. “What do you want, Kate,” he growled. “This really is neither the time nor the place.”

  “I just thought you might need… someone,” Kate said, her voice soft and tremulous as she fought to stay her fears as she knew she must.

  Adam turned back toward the table, saying nothing and Kate approached cautiously, like a child with a wounded bird.

  “Don’t pay any attention to those people,” she said softly. “They’re just upset. They’ll probably calm down in a bit and want to apologise. Don’t let them get to you.” She was close now. She could almost reach out and touch him, his broad, tense shoulders and strong, skilful arms. She stretched out her hand and slowly ran it down the firm ridge of his shoulder blade.

  Adam’s body stiffened at her touch, but he did not pull away. Kate swallowed hard and stepped round to the side of him, letting her palm smooth down his side, feeling his warm firm body beneath her fingertips. The sensation thrilled her and made her brave. Adam stood up straight, but could not meet her gaze. Turmoil raged through his features as she stroked his warm cheek with her cool hand. His eyes met hers and Kate’s gaze fell to his lips. Her heart began to pump hard, harder than it had ever done before, unable to believe she was being so bold. And she felt again the electricity surging through her as she reached up on tip toes and touched her lips to his.

  Adam received the kiss without objection, but nothing more. Kate began to step back and he looked into her eyes and must have seen the longing there for he scooped her up into his arms and pulled every inch of her body against him. His lips, now hot and needy, were pressed on Kate’s and she was lost in wonder. His body was strong and hard against her own. His mouth ravaging hers with urgent desire. This gorgeous, sad man was hers, even if it was only ever going to be in that moment, and she wanted him.

  The acid tones of the couple from Ascot Ward passed by outside their door and Adam’s frame froze, breaking the spell. His body tensed and he pulled away.

  Kate looked up into his face and then took his hand in hers, squeezing it gently, but Adam looked down and slowly pulled his hand away. Kate gazed at him in earnest, but he seemed once again unable to meet her eyes. “What’s the matter?” she managed to utter, although even then she knew her heart was breaking. “What is it?”

  “Nothing,” he said shortly. He turned to Kate and looked at her, the wall firmly back in front of his eyes. “Nothing.” He moved his hand to reach out and touch her face, but could not even manage that. He let his hand fall back away, defeated. “I’ve got to go,” he said, and he left Kate standing there in an empty tutorial room, her lips tender, wondering what in the world had just happened.

  After a couple of minutes Kate realised he wasn’t coming back. She looked at her watch. She had been away too long and she hurried back to work.

  Returning to A&E, Kate was hoping to just carry on undetected, but Gloria noticed her walking in. Of course she did.

  “You took your time,” she said.

  “Yeah. Sorry. It was the lifts,” Kate fibbed. “They were playing up. They’re all right now. I managed to get one of the engineers to come and sort them out. Anyway, I’m here now. Did I miss anything?”

  Gloria studied Kate’s face. “You look flushed,” she said.

  “Yes, well, I had to run all the way back, because it took so long to get out, didn’t I?”

  Kate made it through what was left of her shift and went home. Sophie was on a late shift that day, so there were several hours to spend at home on her own before Kate had someone to talk to. At half past five she rang Anna, but Anna wasn’t home. She went over the day in her head a hundred times and still she had no idea what was going on between them. After a kiss like that, Kate had expected some declaration of… well… something. But he had acted as if he’d been coerced into it and seemed desperate to get away.

  By the time Sophie got in, Kate was in a state. She sat down quickly and listened to what had happened.

  “Don’t worry too much,” she said kindly. “He might just be the shy type. You know, one of those guys who takes a little time to warm up, but just wait until he gets going. At least he didn’t push you away, or tell you to go to hell. He could have.”

  Kate sniffed, her eyes still a bit watery from the hours of self-torture. “I guess so,” she said.

  “Maybe he was taken aback? You might find that when you get in there tomorrow, he’ll throw you over his shoulder and carry you off into the sunset.”

  At last Kate managed to splutter out some laughter.

  “That’s better. I hate to see you looking so miserable,” Sophie said. “It puts me right off my supper.”

  Kate thumped her playfully.

  “Come on. Enough of your moping. Let’s get something to eat before I crash out. And you’d better get some beauty sleep, if you’re going to go around snogging poor consultants willy nilly – I still can’t believe you did that, by the way – You’d better be looking your best for whatever is going to come next.”

  Kate rolled her puffy eyes. “I can’t believe I did it either. I don’t know where
I got the courage to do something like that from.” She grinned anxiously.

  “But it was good, though?” Sophie asked.

  Painful as it was to remember, Kate spent a second reliving the storm that had raged through her body at the touch of his kiss. “Fantastic,” she said.

  “I’ve got a good feeling about this one. He’s got hidden depths, I’d say,” Sophie encouraged. “Strong silent types normally do. Just you wait and see.”

  “Well, I think I’ve done enough, don’t you?” said Kate. “I’ve made my feelings pretty clear.”

  “Rich will be proud of you.”

  “He will, won’t he? But will it actually do any good?”

  “Of course it will. He’s probably sitting alone at home right now wishing he had played it better himself. I bet you anything you like there will be a bunch of flowers waiting for you in A&E in the morning. Now cheer up, you miserable cow! You got to kiss the man, didn’t you? Come on; let’s see what we can rustle up. I’m starving.”

  The next morning Kate went into work with a tiny spark of hope in her soul. She tried to convince herself that Sophie was right. Surely Adam would have thought over his reaction to the kiss and realised how distracted he had been? She greeted people happily and kept up her good mood throughout the rest of her shift, but there was to be no word from Adam.

  A little dejected, Kate left the department at the end of her shift. She needed distraction, so she rang Anna and drove over to Brisely, arriving there just after three. The woman next door let her in with Anna’s spare key and she was left alone to nose around the apartment. It was Spartan in there, Anna having only recently moved in. There was a comfy settee and a small table and a unit that held the TV, but apart from that, there was little else to fill it. Kate settled down in front of a chick flick and waited for Anna to get home, which she did around a quarter past five.

  Anna was over the moon to see Kate again. “So what do you think of the place?” she asked. “I see you’ve made yourself at home.”

  “It’s great. I like the… space,” Kate said, searching hard for something to compliment.

  Anna burst out laughing. “Well, at least that’s something. It’ll be lovely one day. Besides, I’ve got to leave room for John’s stuff, haven’t I?”

  “How’s that going?” Kate asked. “Has he got a job yet?”

  Anna’s face fell. “No, not yet. But he’s got another interview tomorrow, so… fingers crossed.”

  Together they found something for dinner and sat down to eat.

  “So, what brings my hard-working, under-appreciated, poorly-paid nurse out here to see her old friend in the middle of the week?” Anna asked, looking at Kate seriously and her chewing paused for a moment while she waited for an answer.

  “Oh, nothing really,” Kate said. “I just felt like a trip out.”

  Anna raised an eyebrow. “I’m not daft, Kate. It’s got to be quite important to bring you out here.”

  “Do I need an excuse to come round and visit my oldest friend?” Kate asked her.

  Anna laid down her knife and fork and looked at Kate. “Is it him?”

  “Who?” Kate asked, innocently.

  “You know very well who. The guy you were falling for the last time we mentioned your love life.”

  A small smile rippled the corners of Kate’s mouth. “It’s him. But I wasn’t falling for him back then.”

  “Oh, really?”

  Anna listened to the latest of Kate’s escapades and picked up her fork to continue eating.

  “So? Aren’t you going to tell me I’ve been a complete idiot? Surely you’ve got something?”

  Anna thought for a moment before starting to speak. “I’ve been thinking a lot about you and your love life since we last met and I’ve got a theory. Feel free to tell me it’s a pile of cack, but… Do you think you’re afraid of getting in deep with someone? Of letting go and really giving your all to them. A man, I mean?”

  Kate frowned. This was not something she had wanted to hear. What she really wanted was for Anna to tell her everything was going to be okay.

  “Are you maybe a bit scared?”

  Kate thought. “I don’t know. Not consciously.”

  “Well, perhaps I’m wrong. It was just an idea. I thought perhaps… after your brother… But you can’t do any more with this one. If he doesn’t want you after all that, I’m afraid you’re just going to have to lump it. Sorry, Hun, I know he means a lot to you. Are you sure he’s not married?”

  Kate thought for a moment. “I don’t think so. No-one has mentioned a wife lurking in the background and he was on his own at the ball, I’m sure of it. I knew everyone else at his table.”

  “And there’s no ring?”

  “No. But that doesn’t mean a lot. Most of the surgeons don’t wear one. All that scrubbing up; it gets in the way.”

  “Well, maybe he just thinks you’re an ugly old troll?” Anna teased and the light relief was welcome.

  Kate thumped her. “It’s certainly a possibility. Or maybe he’s just got something against ginger.”

  “You’re not ginger, you’re strawberry blonde,” Anna defended.

  “Okay, light ginger,” she sighed. “Oh, I don’t know.”

  “Listen to me, Kate. He’s an idiot if he doesn’t snap you up and nobody wants an idiot.”

  “Quite right too,” Kate said, but she didn’t mean it. She did want him, more than ever now, and after that kiss, the pain went even deeper. Kate had never known how rejection could physically hurt. She desperately wanted him to want her back. She couldn’t give up on him, not yet.

  It was ten o’clock by the time she arrived home. Sophie was in. She had just put the kettle on. “Dirty stop out!” she called out from the kitchen. “Where have you been?”

  “I went over to Anna’s,” Kate said.

  “Birmingham?” Sophie enquired.

  “No. She’s in Brisely now. It’s only thirty minutes away.”

  “How’s she settling in?”

  “Good.”

  Sophie walked in to the living room with a cup of tea in each hand. “Have you eaten?”

  “Yes, thank you.”

  “So… tell me. How did it go today?”

  Kate sighed. “Nothing.”

  Sophie looked downcast. “I’m sorry. And I feel really guilty being so happy now.”

  “Don’t you dare,” Kate scolded. “You and Rich deserve your happily-ever-after. The two of you are perfect together and lovely people, although I think we’ve now established that Rich’s advice on love life completely stinks and I hope you’re going to tell him that from me. I may even sue.” A small laugh escaped Kate’s lips. She sighed. “What are the rules on becoming a nun these days?”

  Friday morning Kate was at work. Nothing much was coming in and it gave the staff a few minutes peace to get the department in order and catch up. But the time dragged. As the shifts were changing a call came in that a car had collided with a lorry and overturned outside town and the passengers were on their way in, one of whom had a serious limb injury. Mr Cobham asked Kate to contact the trauma team before she went off.

  Within minutes Mr Barker was with them. Kate spotted him arriving through the windows of the A&E doors. Adam was standing by him, just outside the department.

  As Mr Barker entered, Adam saw Kate. He blinked, his body unmoving. No warmth could be seen in those blue-grey eyes as he hovered in the doorway looking back at her. He turned and walked away and all Kate’s hopes disappeared with him. She collected her things and walked out into the car park to find her car, tears welling up behind her eyes as the biting wind met her skin.

  “Kate.”

  A voice called out her name from close by. Kate’s breath caught, she blinked and turned around. Adam stood there, immaculate and composed. His face changed as he saw the tears in her eyes and she hurriedly wiped them away.

  “It’s the wind,” she explained.

  He paused for a moment seemingly searching
for something to say. His lips moved a little, but nothing came out.

  Kate dropped her gaze to the floor and made to go.

  “I’m sorry, Kate,” he said. “I don’t know what to say. I never meant anything like that to happen.”

  And that was the worst part. Kate lifted her chin, forcing back the tears that threatened to flow once more. “No. It was my fault,” she said. “I’m sorry. You just looked so unhappy. I heard about your poor mum and I-”

  “I don’t need your pity, Kate.” His tone had changed.

  “It wasn’t pity.” Kate suddenly found herself having to defend her actions. He had taken it all the wrong way. What she had wanted to say was that she adored him, him and his moody ways and his high walls. She wanted him any way she could get him, but what she needed more than anything was for him to want her too. “I just couldn’t bear you looking so sad,” she said, her forehead crinkling as she fought to keep her equanimity. “And when that awful family started having a go at you…”

  “You thought you could just kiss me and make it all better? I’m not a child, Kate. I’m a grown man. Life is a bit more complicated than that.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I never thought-”

  “I’m married, Kate.”

  Kate forced her gaze to meet his stormy eyes as pain and confusion suddenly took their toll and a weight the size of a cannon ball dropped inside her heart. All the pieces of the puzzle finally slotted together. She had been a fool. Of course he was married. Why wouldn’t he be? He was gorgeous. Humiliation and regret battled for place inside her as hope disappeared. She turned and got into her car, backed out as quickly as she could and pulled away.

  ~

  Left alone, Adam leant on the bonnet of his car. He had panicked and he knew it. Whatever he did he seemed to make a mess of it. All he had wanted to do was apologise for the way he had treated her the other day and he’d only ended up making matters worse, his anger flaring at the thought of the gossips talking about him again.