By My Side

by Wendy Lou Jones

  “I take it you like the colour blue?” he said.

  “It’s the sea,” Kate told him. “And the sky. I like the idea of floating on calm blue waters, with just the stars above me and, apart from the gentle lapping of the waves, silence all around.”

  Adam was quiet for a second. “So there’s something of the mermaid about you then,” he said.

  Kate laughed gently, thinking of her fondness for swimming. “I suppose so.”

  “Well, you’ve certainly got the hair for it,” he told her.

  “I have, haven’t I?”

  “Come on. I’ve got a table booked for seven-fifteen and I need to go home and change before we go out. I’ve come straight from work. You don’t mind, do you?”

  Adam left her in his living room and told her to put on some music and then went off to take a shower, so Kate stood rifling through his collection looking for something that was more her style. She heard the shower turning on and tried not to imagine Adam’s body naked, warm and wet and glistening with soapy water.

  Opera formed a large part of the collection as she already knew, but there were a few others in there: a couple of pop CDs, some heavy metal and rock music - a strange collection, she thought - and then there was one box, over the back, looking almost gothic. She picked it out and looked at it and then put the disc in the CD player and pressed play. The music started up. It sounded depressing at first and Kate wondered what on earth Adam could see in it. But the more she listened, the more she seemed to understand it. It moved her in a way she hadn’t expected. It was like a soul crying out in pain. Another track started and it was more desperate than the first. Kate picked up the box. She had never heard of them before, but was now curious enough to listen to more.

  Things moved this man on a very deep level, she thought. His private life was a mystery to those around him and she began to wonder if he had vast depths that she had only just begun to scratch the surface of.

  A hand rested on top of her shoulder making her jump. It was Adam, standing behind her, looking fresh and clean and ravishingly good.

  “Will you please stop scaring the hell out of me,” she scolded.

  Adam took the CD case and put it back on the shelf.

  “It’s very powerful,” she offered.

  “It was Ali’s,” he said.

  “I’m sorry.” Kate looked at him, kicking herself for not thinking. His hair was still damp and crying out to be touched. She let her fingers spread out through the dark silky strands. He smelled so good. The tracks changed and suddenly it was a beautiful, sad, gentle song. Adam reached across and turned the music off.

  “We’d better get going.”

  He walked out to the front door and grabbed his keys. “Come on,” he called and Kate wandered out after him, acutely aware that she had done something wrong.

  Outside Adam was silent. They got into his car and drove to a smart Italian restaurant in town. Not a word was said. Kate tried to think of something to say to break the silence, but everything she thought of seemed so trivial.

  Before long even trivial seemed better than nothing at all, so she settled for, “It was a bit milder today, wasn’t it? There wasn’t even a frost when I woke up this morning.”

  “What? Oh. No.”

  “It’ll soon be Christmas now. What are you doing for Christmas this year?” No sooner were the words out of her mouth than Kate realised how stupid she had been. The man had just lost his mother, his only relative left in the world. What did she think he was going to be doing? “Oh, God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think. I’m such an idiot.” She put a tentative hand on his knee. “I’m really sorry, Adam. Honestly.”

  Adam pulled up in the car park behind the restaurant. His face was serious and his eyes were sad but he didn’t seem angry. “It’s all right, Kate. I do get down sometimes, but it’s not your fault. It’s nothing you’ve done. You’re the one who brings me back to life.”

  Kate leaned toward him and taking his face gently in her hands, she kissed him, trying to let him know just how much he meant to her.

  “Don’t leave me for being miserable, will you, Kate?” he asked. “Just give me a hard slap if I get too maudlin.”

  Kate smiled. “Okay. Come on; let’s get inside.”

  The rest of the evening went along on a much lighter note. All thoughts of dark times were pushed aside and the two of them laughed and talked together, tasting each other’s food and sharing their tales.

  ~

  At the end of the evening Adam asked for the bill. He had managed to get over the guilt that had encroached on him earlier that night and was looking forward to the rest of the evening with Kate.

  The waiter brought over the bill on a little silver tray. As he took Adam’s card to process the payment, he asked about their meals. “Was everything to your satisfaction, Sir?”

  “Yes, very good, thank you,” he said.

  “And the service?”

  “Superb,” Adam told him.

  “I’m very pleased to hear it.” He handed Adam his receipt and smiled at them both. “You and your lovely wife enjoy the rest of your evening,” he said and Adam was suddenly grave.

  His wife. The man had said ‘his wife’. But Kate wasn’t his wife, was she? And that silly slip was going to cost them so much.

  Adam retreated inside himself, desperate to be rid of the guilt he was carrying. He could think of nothing but wanting to be somewhere else, alone. He felt the blood drain from his skin. What the hell had he been thinking? He needed to get out of there without making a mess of things again. He had let it go too far. It was only ever meant to have been a thank you dinner. There would have been no harm in just that. He clenched his fists by his sides and manoeuvred them both outside to the car.

  The evening had turned cold and foggy while they’d been inside the restaurant. Night’s breath cloaked the lamps in the streets and muffled voices echoed all around. Adam didn’t say a word as they left. He could see Kate looking at him, wondering what was going on, which only made matters ten times worse. The last thing he’d wanted was to hurt her, but what could he do? What could he say? How could he explain it to anyone? The way his stomach clenched at the thought of letting go of Ali for good. The way sometimes he felt her beside him, whispering comfort when times were hard, the smell of her perfume somehow near him when he was lonely. No-one would believe that. They would think he was mad. Maybe he was.

  He drove Kate back home as she sat by his side, still as a statue in the uncomfortable silence.

  He pulled up outside her house and shot hope down in flames. “Well that was great, thanks, Kate. We must do this again sometime,” he said, barely pulling his gaze away from the road.

  Kate looked at him and Adam could not bring himself to look back. He felt as low as it was possible to feel. All Kate could do was unbuckle her seatbelt and step out of the car. But she said nothing. Not a ‘thanks’, not a ‘see you’, not even a ‘what do you mean, you bastard?’ which was what he deserved. She just got out. At the door she turned and Adam made an effort to look her way, but he knew it wasn’t convincing, and the look she returned was agony.

  ~

  Kate walked back into the house as the car squealed away up the road.

  Sophie walked into the living room and beamed. “Hello, you’re back early. Everything okay?” and as Kate looked up, Sophie witnessed her features crumple and a solitary tear reached slowly over the brink and let go.

  Chapter 8

  Later that week, Kate passed Adam in the corridor. He was talking with Mr Cobham about a patient. Furtively, she looked across and caught his eye, but no smile was lurking, hoping to be seen. The merest hint of a quirk of his lips made a fleeting attempt to cross his face but then it was gone.

  At the weekend, Kate drove over to her mum’s house. They had always tried to do a big shopping trip together before Christmas and it had become a bit of a tradition. She did have to carry all the bags that year, to ease her mother’s load, but h
er mum was walking quite well by then, only having to stop more often than usual as her ankle ached if she was on it too long.

  Back at the house, Kate’s mum put the kettle on to make a pot of tea. ”Any nice men on the horizon, Kate?” she asked.

  Kate was at a loss for what to say. She really should have expected this line of questioning and been better prepared for it, but she wasn’t. “I don’t know, Mum.”

  “What sort of an answer is that? There either are or there aren’t,” she said.

  “There is someone, but…”

  Her mum was instantly attentive. “But what?”

  “I don’t know. It may be nothing. We had a thing, or at least I thought we had a thing. But I did something wrong because suddenly it was all over and… I don’t know.”

  “Can’t you talk to him?” her mother asked.

  “Not easily. He works at the hospital and you know what the hospital grapevine is like. I don’t want it spreading.”

  “But you liked him?” Her mum began to pour the drinks.

  “Yes. I liked him a lot.”

  “If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen,” her mum said. “Chin up.” She took a sip of her tea and winced. “Pass me the sugar, love.”

  Kate reached for something else to talk about and the rest of the time passed more easily.

  She arrived home and found Sophie cuddled up on the settee with Richard.

  “How’s it going?” Rich asked.

  “My life is a sonnet of contentment,” Kate said. She put her bags down on the living room floor and slumped down into a chair.

  “We’ve got a bit of news,” Sophie told her.

  Kate perked up. She could only think of one thing more exciting than getting married and by the look on her face it was an anxious type of good. “You’re not…?”

  Sophie quickly fell into step. “Oh, God, no! No, no, no! No, Rich’s granny died.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry, Rich,” Kate said, confused by the mixed messages they were sending.

  “No, it’s okay. I didn’t really know her,” he added quickly. “A bit of an old witch by all accounts, but it turns out she was loaded and the long and short of it is she had a flat in the centre of town. We’ve got to clear it out and tart it up a bit, but it’s ours if we want it. It’s a good start anyway, isn’t it?” He turned to face Sophie and happiness radiated from the pair of them.

  Kate was weary. She tried to take it in. Letting the details percolate through her mind until the penny finally dropped. “You’re moving out?”

  “That’s okay, isn’t it? I’m paid up until the end of January and I’ll help you find a replacement, but…”

  “You want to go.”

  Sophie squirmed. “Yes.” She bit her lip. “It won’t be for a few weeks.”

  What could she say? Kate didn’t want her friend to go but then again she could see that it was good for the two of them, and it was inevitable really, with the pair of them getting married, so she nodded. “Oh, go on then.”

  Sophie rushed over and hugged her. “Who knows, it might not be long before you don’t need this place anymore either.”

  Kate laughed. “I rather doubt that. Anyway, I’m nowhere near as brave as you like that.”

  “It’s not brave, falling in love,” Sophie told her.

  Kate looked at her. “Oh yes it is,” and Sophie’s face filled with sympathy.

  “I’ll ask around at work in the morning,” Sophie offered.

  “Okay. And congrats you two, but I’m afraid I’m all in. Night both.”

  Kate went up to her room. Having spoken to her mum, she decided that she should try again to get through to Adam. She should never have put on that stupid CD. If she hadn’t, he might have been able to get past the whole ‘wife’ thing that happened later on. She kicked herself. She wasn’t to know, it was true, but she couldn’t find it in her heart to blame him. She picked up her phone and with trembling fingers, she dialled. It rang. Three times it rang and then it stopped. Nothing. She checked the number and dialled again. The same. It was no use, he wasn’t answering and so with a heavy heart and nagging guilt, she made her way to bed.

  Everything was changing. Her best friend was getting married, her housemate was leaving and Kate’s heart was breaking. She was being left behind.

  ~~~

  “I know how she feels,” Lena mumbled.

  The woman stopped and looked at her. “Is that how you feel, Lena? Left behind?”

  Lena did not reply, only shrugged a little and picked at a stray thread dangling from her dark grey top.

  “Shall I tell you what I see?” the woman asked. “I can see such a bright spark inside you. It’s just sitting there, waiting to burst into flame. You may not feel it. You might not know where it sits, but it’s alive in every injury you battle and every tear that you shed when you think nobody’s looking. These are the things that let us know we’re alive. You’re not left behind, Lena, not a bit, you’re only sleeping. Think of this place as a waiting room, somewhere to settle your troubles and come to terms with what happened while you prepare to move on. Life isn’t done with you yet. There is so much more to look forward to; so much to live for. Trust me. Given time you’ll see how everything fits together.”

  Lena’s head tilted and from under that dark mop of hair a frightened eye looked out and dared the woman to be lying. She let out a small breath. “So how did Kate get through it?”

  “Oh, she had much more to experience, too. So much love to give. But if someone had told her that back then, she would never have believed them.”

  ~~~

  On Monday work was busy. Kate managed to put some feelers out to see if anyone was in need of a place to live. A couple of people knew someone who might be looking to find a new housemate, but nothing more optimistic was forthcoming.

  Christmas was approaching and a get-together had been arranged for those who could make it. It was at The Railwayman, the closest pub to the hospital.

  It was heaving by the time Kate got there. Sophie had arranged to meet her, but as yet she had not arrived. Kate looked around. Every department seemed to be represented, from consultants down to the most junior nurse.

  Kate spotted Mr Cobham. “Hello Mr C. Who’s holding the fort tonight then?” she asked.

  Mr Cobham pointed to his pager on his belt. “I’ve left Carl in charge,” he said. “It was pretty quiet when I left, so he shouldn’t have much trouble. Have you spotted any orthopods yet?”

  Kate faltered for a second, wondering if Mr Cobham’s question had any particular significance for her. “Em, nurses, yes, not doctors.”

  “Here comes one. Adam!” he called. “Excuse me, Kate.”

  Suddenly Kate’s body lost all fluidity. She didn’t know where to look, so she stayed where she was, pretending to be studying a picture on the wall, but really listening as they talked together behind her. After a few minutes Kate summoned up the courage to turn around and there he was, only a few feet away, chatting quite easily with those around him. He had lost his jacket and tie, but he was still as smart as ever, even with his rolled up sleeves and theatre-cap hair. Kate longed to go to him, to slide her arm through his and see him smiling down at her, but it was obvious now that these were just pipe dreams and she would have to make do with so much less. She hovered at the edge of the circle for a few minutes, while he talked to some others in the group and then she walked away and looked for someone to distract her.

  Flis arrived and she walked over to Kate. They hadn’t seen each other outside work for several weeks and there was plenty that Flis had to talk about, even if Kate was finding it harder to know what to say.

  “Don’t look now, but Peter Florin is coming this way,” Flis hissed as her posture lengthened out and she started to smile.

  “Hello, ladies.” The famous stud of Theatre wandered across to see them. As if by magic, Flis melted into a puddle on the floor, smiling from ear to ear and giggling inanely. Kate raised an eyebrow and smiled. “P
ete, to what do we owe the pleasure?”

  Pete gave her a hug and kissed her on the cheek. “A little birdie tells me that you’re in need of a man about the house.”

  “I am?” Kate asked.

  “A housemate.” He put his arm around her neck and grinned at her.

  “Oh.”

  “And as it happens I’m coming to the end of my rental agreement in a month’s time and I might be on the lookout for somewhere else to bunk down. What do you say, Kate? You and me? We get along all right, don’t we?”

  Now it was Kate’s turn to be lost for words, but Flis suddenly seemed to find the power of speech. “Wow, that would work out just right, wouldn’t it, Kate?”

  “Timing wise, yes,” she said, “but I was actually looking for another girl to lodge with, preferably one who can cook.” No way was she intending to ‘bunk down’ with a guy.

  “I’m not a bad chef, even if I do say so myself,” he told her.

  “And he can help out with all those things that you need a bloke for, like spiders.”

  “I can get rid of my own spiders, thank you, Flis,” Kate told her.

  “What about getting things down off high shelves?”

  “Stepladders,” Kate said.

  “And protecting you if something goes wrong.”

  “I am also very house-trained,” Pete added. “I don’t leave dirty socks around the place, I put the seat down on the toilet and I’ll be at work longer hours than you.”

  “He sounds perfect,” Flis added. “And you haven’t got anyone else lined up yet, have you?”

  Kate was in a tight spot. Pete looked at her, grinning and daring her to turn him down.

  ”Let me get you a drink while you think about it,” he said. He looked at what Kate had in her hand. “What is that?” he asked, a look of distaste hovering in his eyes.

  “Bitter lemon,” Kate said.

  “Oh yes. The girl with peculiar tastes.” He smiled. “How could I forget?”