by Amy Woods
She got the sense he was being careful with her, as though he didn’t want to hurt her. But not being with him again, after they’d shared each other that way, hurt even more.
He led her through the door he’d left propped open and she followed as he brought the crate and bag into the dining room that attached to the Singhs’ kitchen. He pulled a few child gates out of a linen closet and set them up. “So we can watch them while we go in the kitchen,” he said.
June nodded.
Ethan glanced at a clock on the wall. “We’ve got about three hours until we have to be at Friends with Fur. Anything you’d like to do until it’s time to go?”
June’s cheeks went warm at the same time Ethan’s turned a slightly darker shade and she knew he’d heard it, too. Of course there were things she’d like to do in that time, all involving clothes on the floor and lots and lots of bare skin.
He cleared his throat and looked away, disappointment clouding his features.
Her heart sank and she changed the subject before the sharp pain could do any more damage.
“I brought baking stuff, and I was thinking we could make some canine treats for the adoption fair if that sounds good to you.”
He managed a soft, sad smile, but it was a smile nonetheless, and she would have to take it. “That sounds like a great idea.”
He took her hand and led her into the kitchen. He asked what he could do to help and she gave him the task of measuring out the dry ingredients while she whisked together eggs and water in a small bowl.
“This isn’t my recipe,” she said, leaning against the granite countertop to admire the Singhs’ chef-worthy kitchen. “I found it online. But I did make a few modifications that I think will make these biscuits even better.”
Ethan glanced over his shoulder. “I’m sure they’ll be excellent,” he said, his voice sounding distracted. He stirred flour and baking powder together in silence for a bit. Finally, he turned to face her, dropping the wooden spoon to his side.
“Listen, June. I...”
She put the bowl down and held up both palms. “You really don’t need to say anything.”
“I would like to, though. I feel like we need to talk and we’re both dancing around an elephant in the room, hoping it will go away. But, June, it won’t. We have to discuss some things.”
“Actually, you’re completely wrong. That’s the beauty of our little arrangement. You said friends only, nothing serious. So we absolutely don’t have to talk about it, now do we?”
She noticed, too late, that her voice had gone up an octave, making it all too clear that she was agitated, that she cared far too much. Of course, the way they’d set things up, caring at all was too much.
He closed his eyes and then put down the spoon, crossing his arms over that toned chest she’d loved resting her head against. “I know that’s what we said, but I don’t think either of us can deny that our boundaries really don’t apply anymore.”
She tilted her head. “Of course they still do, Ethan.” Without them, there was too much freedom. Anything could happen between them if there weren’t any limits, and she just wasn’t ready for that. Was she?
His brows lowered over stormy eyes. “How can you act like nothing happened between us, June? How can you stand here baking dog cookies like nothing’s changed at all?”
“I don’t know, Ethan. You tell me. It’s probably the same way you can take me out to dinner and then leave for the night without even kissing me goodbye.”
He brushed a hand over his face. “You’re right. I know I’ve been doing it, too.” He looked up and met her gaze, his eyes burning with the same things she felt but was too afraid to speak out loud. “But don’t you think it’s time to cut the crap?”
She was quiet for a moment, knowing that anything that came out of her mouth had the potential to define their relationship in permanent ways.
She stood at a precipice, looking down into a pit, the bottom of which she couldn’t see and held both danger and possibility. Here was her chance. Here was a guy who was willing, pushing even, to define what was going on between them, and maybe even to acknowledge that they both wanted more.
An amazing, kindhearted, hardworking, absolutely gorgeous human being obviously cared for her. Wasn’t that what she’d always wanted? Wasn’t that her dream? Hell, wasn’t that every woman’s dream?
So why would she even consider cutting their conversation short and throwing it all away, which was exactly what she knew would happen if she refused to engage in that discussion with him?
There was too much at stake. Their hearts were both still too tender from being broken by careless people. Not to mention the fact that, even if she wanted him to stay with her, or better, to go with him, she knew she couldn’t have that. Could she?
“I think the crap, as you called it, is the only thing saving both of us from making a huge mistake.”
The look he gave her then—that look that said all the things she couldn’t articulate—nearly undid all of her resolve. It would have, except that she’d succeeded in her goal of getting stronger, of resisting the temptation to give her whole heart to someone again. As much as it hurt, she wasn’t going to open her heart and tell him how she really felt. She sure as hell wasn’t going to admit to him, or even to herself, that she was falling for him so fast she couldn’t keep the walls from caving in on her.
“June,” he said softly, unwinding the strings around her heart as he stepped toward her, “I’m not so sure anymore that it would be a mistake.”
She closed her eyes so she wouldn’t melt into his.
“So, how can you be so sure?” he asked.
She gasped when his cell phone began to buzz in his pocket.
“Aren’t you going to get that?”
“No, it can wait. We’re having a conversation here.”
She turned away. “I think you should take the call.”
Even though she was no longer facing him, June could feel the heat from his eyes blazing into her back. She felt sick. She’d been rude and awful, and she wanted to kick herself for it.
He didn’t deserve this. Ethan was a great guy, willing to rehash their initial boundaries so that they could talk about their growing feelings and possibly go forward. And what was she doing?
Acting like a complete and total immature idiot.
She groaned and turned around, ready to apologize, but was met with Ethan’s broad back. He was stirring the ingredients again and the only indication that anything had changed was the forceful, angry way he beat at them with the spoon. And, of course, the thick, tense ball of terrible energy that had taken up all of the air in the room.
Her nerve endings were frayed so that June felt everything at double the normal intensity. Standing there, watching the moment slip by, with her heart hanging off a cliff, June wasn’t sure if she was relieved or furious when his phone started up again.
His head tilted backward against his upper spine and then he looked back down, hands clenched into fists at his sides as if he fought to gather his composure.
He picked up his phone, voice tight as he greeted the caller.
She didn’t know who was on the other end, but she was grateful for the chance the call gave her to pull herself together. Now that she’d elected to forego a conversation that could have changed her path, her entire life, all she could feel was a tight disappointment in the pit of her stomach, the absence of anything good.
She knew instantly that she’d made a severe mistake, and it would cost her if she didn’t fix it. The problem was, she didn’t know how.
Before Clayton, she’d been an open book, a romantic, a heart-on-her sleeve kind of girl, but he had crushed that out of her when he’d stolen her life savings and skipped town without so much as a text or a note. She’d spent the following months tr
ying to figure out what had happened, how her dreams had seemed so clear, right at the tips of her fingers, only to disappear overnight.
It wasn’t the only time her life had changed in such a short amount of time. The other night when she’d made love with Ethan, it had changed again, but this time she didn’t feel like curling up in a ball and quitting; this time, it had made her want to grow wings and soar.
But she couldn’t tell him, because if she did and he didn’t return her feelings, didn’t want the same new life with her, where would that leave her? She had nothing left anymore; if she let Ethan have her heart and he broke it, all that would remain would be a shell of a person, and June would rather not become someone she would grow to resent.
She stood, unable to get her limbs to move until Ethan finished his call.
When he turned around, all of her raw emotion was reflected in his eyes.
He fidgeted with the phone and then finally slipped it into his pocket. “I have some good news,” he said, and she could see that he was trying to offer her a smile.
She put her hands in her pockets, afraid that if she didn’t give them something to do, they might reach out for the man she’d begun to fall hard for. So. Hard.
“Yeah?” she asked, but the word came out more like a choking sound.
“Yeah, um...” He raked a hand through his hair “That was Harry, my brother.”
“I remember,” she said, folding her hands in front of her torso, hoping he would understand that she meant she remembered far more about that night than the names of his family members.
“Right.” His eyes were dark and narrow as he studied her. “Anyway, he says that Amani is on board and they want to take one of the puppies for Neena, after all.”
“Oh,” she said, not making any attempt to inject joy into her voice. She certainly didn’t feel any, and this new revelation only made that worse. But if it would make him happy, she would lie. Just this once, because she needed to see light return to his face. “That’s—” she swallowed over the pain rising in her throat “—that’s wonderful. I know they’ll be the perfect family for one of the puppies.”
But what about the perfect family I want?
“I thought so, too. They love and respect animals and they’ll take good care of a puppy.” His eyes were tired now and his shoulders sunk as if he felt defeated. “We should go,” he said, glancing at his watch. “Isaac will be expecting us soon.”
Had that much time passed? She checked the wall clock and got her answer. No, it had not. Ethan probably just wanted to get away from the suffocating room, away from her. She didn’t blame him—she wanted away from her, too.
* * *
Friends with Fur was bustling with activity when Ethan and June arrived less than an hour later. It was early—dog food and supply vendors and animal rescue organizations were still getting their booths and pens set up—but he couldn’t have stayed in that kitchen with June for a single minute longer.
Seeing her struggle to talk to him about whatever it was she was feeling, and not being able to communicate himself, had been the worst form of torture. The sadness in her eyes had made him want to run, to get away from her, because what could possibly be causing it, if not his presence in her life?
When she’d come into his clinic a couple of weeks ago, she’d been like a breath of fresh air, her passion for saving those puppies only a fraction of the kindness that defined June Leavy. From that instant on, he’d wanted nothing more than to get to know her better, to get lost in her sweetness so he could forget about Jessica and his broken heart.
He’d told June that the boundaries he’d set, the “rule” that things wouldn’t get too serious, were for both their benefits. But in reality, his doing so had been purely selfish. He saw that clearly now—now, when it was probably too late.
He’d tried to protect his own heart from getting broken again, but he truly had not realized that doing so might be the very thing that would cause her pain. It caused him pain, too. Keeping her at a distance had been a mistake. He realized that now. But if she wouldn’t talk to him, wouldn’t tell him what was wrong, how could he help her?
He hadn’t thought it possible that they would end up wanting more from each other, and now that he knew that to be the case, he had no idea what to do about it.
This had not been in his plan. Their short-term relationship was supposed to be casual, a stop on their respective routes to healing from past heartbreak; instead, falling for her and not being able to do anything about it for fear of hurting her was causing more harm than good.
And still, she was sweet to him, letting him hold her hand as they walked around the open training arena inside Isaac’s facility, June having insisted on carrying the crate with the puppies inside. They were getting bigger and would need their own separate crates soon.
For some unknown reason, even though he’d been campaigning to find them homes, the thought of giving them away so soon, especially to separate families, caused his throat to catch.
“Ethan!”
He turned to see Isaac Meyer, his wife, Avery, and Avery’s dog, Foggy, headed toward the two of them. Isaac shook his hand and he introduced his friends to June. He couldn’t help but smile as he watched June ask to pet Foggy, and Avery, who was always just a bit shy, seemed to take to her instantly.
That was his girl—warm, kind, drawing people to her like bees to honey.
“Are these the puppies you’ve been telling us about?” Avery asked, crouching down to peer into the crate.
June’s eyes brightened and her whole demeanor changed as she regaled her new friend with stories from the past couple of weeks. She’d gotten so attached to the little guys.
And suddenly it hit him—he’d been awful about the puppies. Nonstop, he had talked only about finding them homes, giving them away, thinking it was the right thing to do. And all the while, June had been falling in love with them.
That must have been why she had become so distant the past few days, and why her thoughts had gotten so far away each time he mentioned Neena wanting a pet or bringing them to the adoption expo.
By dragging her there that day, he had, against her will, set in motion events that would break her heart yet again. He hadn’t been careful with her feelings the way he so badly wanted to be, and he’d overlooked the fact that the puppies really did in fact belong to June. He didn’t have the right to make decisions about them without consulting her, and now he wanted to kick himself for neglecting to put her needs first.
“You know,” Isaac said, playing with one of the pups June had released from the crate, “this one could have all the makings of an outstanding service dog.”
“Really?” June asked, her voice faltering so subtly that he knew he was the only one who’d caught it. He knew her so well now, and it had become more and more difficult to imagine returning to Colorado to resume his former life without her.
He hadn’t realized until that moment how much he loved having her by his side.
How much he loved...her.
And yet, as he wanted to be closer and closer to her, the thing he’d been encouraging her to do—find homes for their little furry charges—was the very thing pushing her away.
“Yes, really,” Isaac continued. “He’s got a calm temperament, he’s alert and curious but not impulsive and he responds well to treats.” Isaac beamed at June, his face full of excitement.
Ethan knew his friend was passionate about training service dogs, especially for victims of combat PTSD, and his father often donated veterinary care to keep costs down for people who needed service animals. Ethan had done the same for the time he’d been running his dad’s clinic. He admired Isaac’s work, but right now, all he wanted to do was to get June out of there before her kind heart let someone take a puppy, even though she didn’t want to give them away.
“Isaac and Avery, would you guys mind watching the pups for a minute?”
They shared a glance and then nodded. “Of course, no problem,” the two said in unison.
June set down the puppy she’d been holding and watched him carefully.
“June, would you join me for just a minute? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
Her eyes narrowed but she did as he asked, taking his hand and following him to the only spot in the arena that wasn’t covered in furry bodies or free dog toys and treats. He pulled her to a stop and grabbed both of her hands.
Confusion was etched into her features. “Ethan, what’s wrong? Isaac was in the middle of telling me about training the male puppy to be a service dog and I...”
“How do you feel about that, June?” he interrupted. “Tell me the truth.”
Her face fell and moisture sprung into her eyes. She quickly wiped away the first tear before it had a chance to fall. “It’s just about the last thing I want, Ethan.”
He pulled her against his chest, his heart breaking as she cried softly.
“God, June. Why didn’t you just tell me that you didn’t want to give them away?”
“I don’t know,” she said, her voice cracking in a way that made him think she wasn’t telling the whole truth. “I guess it’s just that you were pushing me so hard to do it, and you’re the expert when it comes to dogs.” She sniffed and pried her chest away from his. “I guess I felt that if you didn’t think I’d be a good dog owner, then you were probably right.”
