Coherent

by Livia Jamerlan

  “What?” Gus asked.

  My mouth dropped open. The blow to my head must have me hearing things.

  “I wasn’t under the influence of anything. I was taken!” My tone was harsh, my fists balled at my sides. Appalled, I crossed my arms over my chest, breathing deep to calm my anger.

  “Braelynn.” Peyton held my hand.

  “No.” I shook my head, closing my eyes from the pain. “I was taken. I was walking home, someone hit me over the head and I woke up here, but I didn’t take anything. Dr. Pearson, you have me confused with someone else. I didn’t take anything. I don’t do drugs!” I shouted back. I looked at their faces, unable to decide if they believed I was telling the truth.

  “Gus?” I asked softly. He would believe me.

  “Baby girl, you know I believe you.”

  He tried to sound convincing, but I couldn’t convince myself. It had been a week, and now there were drugs in my system. Yes, my attacker could have drugged me, but I wasn’t an addict. “Ms. Wolf, when Mr. Haas brought you in he stated you had asked for help. As a precaution, we had our gynecologist run a rape kit.” He closed the file and held it up to his chest. “There is no evidence of rape, no DNA we could trace.”

  “Shut up. Shut the hell up!” I yelled as the heart rate machine beeped non-stop. I pulled away from Peyton and tugged on the wires, shutting the machine off and stopping the incessant noise. “I know what the fuck happened, I know what happened to me. Someone took me and drugged me. I’m not a junkie. Don’t tell me otherwise. Peyton said I was gone for a week, is that true?”

  Gus wouldn’t meet my eyes. Kennedy slid slowly towards me, trying not to scare the wild animal I had become.

  “Brae…”

  “A week? I was gone a fucking week and no one looked for me!”

  “Sweetie, you were texting us, telling us that you were studying for the bar. We didn’t know.” She reached for me, placing her hand on my shoulder.

  “Texting you? I don’t even know how I got here. Do you see my phone with me? Where is my phone?”

  “It wasn’t until Peyton told us that you quit your job at Goldstein that we started to worry,” Gus finally said.

  Quit?

  My world had been destroyed. Everything I had worked for gone in a flash.

  I couldn’t believe what these people were telling me. I wasn’t a druggie, and I didn’t text them. Fuck, I wouldn’t quit my dream job, the one I had busted my ass all through law school to get.

  Hyperventilating, I felt my head throb and I gasped for air. I couldn’t breathe. My lungs weren’t working. I brought my hands to my hair, tugging on it. This couldn’t be true. This had to be a part of this sick and twisted nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from.

  I kicked off the covers to move, but Kennedy stopped me.

  “She needs a sedative,” Kennedy said, trying to pull my hands away from my scalp, but I wasn’t releasing my grip. I yanked on my hair. One pain covered the other.

  “No!” I sobbed. “No more drugs. Please, no.” Dr. Pearson returned with a syringe in his hand. “No! Please, I’m not a junkie. Please don’t do this. Peyton, please don’t let him do this to me. Please!”

  Peyton held me to the bed. I tried to jerk him off of me, but Kennedy held my arm for the doctor and Peyton continued to hold my shoulders in place. Even Gus helped as he held my kicking legs as I fought against them all.

  “No, please … you’re supposed to love me…”

  Limp and unable to fight against their strength, I lay back on the bed, motionless. Kennedy connected the monitor back on the wall and the loud beeping slowed as the drug took effect. Gus released my legs, tears pouring from his face.

  Why? Why were they doing this to me? Why were the people I love most, betraying me one at a time?

  “Ms. Wolf.” Dr. Person tossed the syringe in the hazardous waste container and returned to my bedside. I was conscious, my body refusing to move, but the tears continued to pour. “I know this is a lot of information for you to take in at once, so I’ll return later to answer any questions you have.”

  He dropped the file in the box at the foot of my bed and strolled out. Kennedy ran over to the box and pulled my file out. “Fuck, this is bad.”

  “What is?” Gus asked.

  “Her concussion is pretty fucking bad, but luckily her brain isn’t too swollen.”

  Peyton sat on the bed. Tugging me closer to him, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, laying my head against his chest. He kissed the top of my head. “I gave my statement to the police. Kennedy called Loren and she should be here soon. I’m right here, doll. No one will hurt you again.”

  Again.

  But no one was able to stop the first time.

  Though I hated that he’d held me down against my pleading cry, his soothing words were enough to calm me. My eyelids heavy, as the sedative flowed through my system. His heartbeat was soft, soothing, but I began to crave the numbness. Though I was relaxed, I wanted the darkness— needed it. It would make the agony vanish from my body.

  “Kennedy,” I whispered. I didn’t move my head, just kept my eyes closed. “My head really hurts. Can you make the pain go away? Please, Kenn.” It wasn’t the pain in my head that I wanted gone. I wanted to not feel anything.

  “Sure, I’ll go see if I can get you something stronger for the pain.”

  I counted the seconds that she was gone and tried to keep my eyes closed until she returned. Even though my eyes were closed I could feel Gus and Peyton eyes on me, imagining their eyes staring at me, as I lay there helpless. When she returned, I pulled away from Peyton. Kennedy injected the morphine into my IV and everything went numb. Just how I wanted it. It didn’t matter that an asshole doctor said I overdosed on heroin and ecstasy or that I was gone for a week. Hell, not even the fact I quit my job bothered me at that moment. None of it mattered because I was numb to the world. Pain, love, happiness, fear … it was all gone.

  “If you feel any discomfort, press this.” She handed me a gray PCA pump with a black button on the top.

  “Is that a good thing, considering what the doctors said?” Gus asked.

  “Dr. Pearson said he couldn’t give her a prescription for when she goes home because of the opiates in her system. They see it as an addiction, but we know Braelynn isn’t a junkie, and this one I’m monitoring.”

  I pressed the button again.

  I needed to drown them all out.

  I needed the black hole to take over once again.

  Braelynn

  Peyton had moved at some point to call the officer assigned to my case but returned immediately to his position next to me. Kennedy had to do rounds as she was still on the clock, and Gus came and left throughout the day, but I didn’t move. My eyes focused on the water that dripped from the faucet.

  Drip…

  Drip…

  Drip…

  I closed my heavy eyelids, letting the detachment from the world consume my body.

  “How is she?” I heard my sister’s voice, but I didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t want to see the disappointment on her face.

  “She’s okay. A little shaken up, but she’s all right,” I heard Gus’s voice respond.

  I listened to the steps approaching me. “Baby girl?” She rested her hand on my leg.

  I pressed the button again before I opened my eyes. I needed a bit more numbing before I looked into my sister’s eyes. I couldn’t take on any additional pain and I knew she must have been devastated. The sheer panic she must have gone through when she found out I was here. Or when she discovered I was gone.

  I peeled my eyes open and looked at her. Her crystal blue eyes were full of tears; she had our father’s eyes, but his eyes never had the chance to comfort me. Losing my parents at a young age, Loren served many roles in my life: mother, father, sister, guardian, and savior. I owed her my freedom, my career. I strove to make her proud of me. But there I was, looking at her, feeling the guilt weigh on my body; the guilt t
hat I had let her down and that I’d thrown everything she’d worked for out the window.

  “Hi,” I said softly.

  “Are you okay?” Her hands rubbed my head.

  “Yeah, in a little bit of pain,” I lied. I felt nothing. Only the emotional feelings that I couldn’t control. I squeezed the button again, but the world didn’t go dark. I guess there was a limit as to how many times you can get a dose of morphine. I was stuck, my emotions were at an all time high, unable to block it all out, block the pitying eyes that were on me. I needed another dose to block them all out.

  I wanted the darkness. The emptiness. The world to disappear around me.

  I closed my eyes, silently praying for it to all go away. I felt Peyton’s hand on my shoulder and my heart winced at his sudden touch.

  “Hey,” Peyton whispered in my ear. “Officer Walsh is here to talk to you.”

  I turned from the hard pillow so I had a better look at his face. I nodded and wiped away the tears that were on the cusp of falling. I sat, but it took longer than expected.

  “Officer, this is Braelynn,” Peyton said, introducing us. I reached my hand to his. Officer Walsh reminded me of Poochie: strong muscular build, olive Latin skin, and a buzz cut.

  “Pleasure to meet you, Ms. Wolf. Do you want to do this in private,” he asked, looking at the eyes that were now all glued on him. I glanced around the room. Only Loren and Peyton stood at the head of the bed. Kennedy and Gus had left the room as I’d attempted to sit.

  “No, this is fine.”

  He nodded before withdrawing a small red notepad. “I need you to answer a few questions for me. Ms. Wolf, what was the last thing you remember?”

  “Uh…” White clouds, darkness, a bright light, pain.

  “What was the last thing you were doing before you woke up here?” he asked when I couldn’t answer.

  “I was walking home from work and my phone rang.”

  “What day was that?”

  “Uh...” I looked at Peyton for reassurance. “Monday?”

  “This past Monday?” he questioned.

  “Yes, I guess.”

  “And what happened after that?” He wrote in his notebook.

  “I remember a sharp pain on the back of my head and then looking at the street light.”

  “When did you quit your job?” He continued to write on his notepad.

  “I didn’t.” This seemed pointless. Why was I being interrogated? I was the one who was found on my steps. I was the one who was hit over the head.

  “Did you reach out to anyone?”

  “No!”

  “And the next thing you knew you woke up here, right?” I nodded, rolling my eyes. “You said that you were taken, but you don’t remember anything about that either, correct?”

  “No.” The shame I felt brought new tears to my eyes. I bowed my head as his words finally struck a cord.

  “Where are you going with this?” my sister asked. She was concerned, her motherly instincts kicking it. Or maybe it was the fact I was squeezing her hand tightly, silently begging her to protect me like she had done all our lives, especially when we were kids. It wasn’t easy losing both of our parents in a car accident at such a young age. But Loren had done everything in her power to give me everything I needed.

  And right now I needed her strength.

  “When I spoke with Mr. Haas earlier, he provided me with everything he knew on Ms. Wolf. Her credit card was used multiple times in the past week. Her driver’s license was scanned at a couple different night spots known for the after-hours drug scene, and she was also checked into a hotel in Chelsea.”

  “What? Are you fucking kidding me? What are you people not understanding? I wasn’t anywhere. I have no clue where the fuck I was.” Sweet lord, please take me away from hell.

  “I have nothing else to go on. There is no DNA on the rape kit, your blood work states you were overdosing when you came here, and the open vein in your arm confirms that you were shooting up.”

  I looked at my arm—a circular open wound, visible for everyone to see. I brought my chin to my chest as he continued.

  “From an outsider looking in it seems that you were out having a good time, had too much and are now changing your story. Playing the victim card.”

  “My sister would never—”

  “I’ll try to obtain the receipts and maybe ask for the security camera feeds, see if we have Ms. Wolf on tape. But with the information I have, my hands are tied. I have no suspects.”

  My head rose as Peyton moved from my side and rushed over to Officer Walsh, handing him his card. “Thank you. If you find anything else, please let me know.” His tone had changed. The pain I’d heard in his voice was gone.

  When he turned to face me, I saw something I had never seen before. My heart ached. His bright golden eyes were dark almost black, like they had never seen the light of day.

  He doesn’t believe me.

  His expression broke my heart, shattering the last piece of hope I had left. The light that had shone through his irises seconds before was gone, replaced with pity.

  Doubt.

  Hesitation.

  The man standing before me wasn’t the one I had fallen in love with. The one who had taught me how to love, instead he was a stranger.

  “You don’t believe me…”

  Shaking my head, I closed my eyes, licking the tears off my lips. After everything that had happened between us, I had finally let him in. He owned my heart. He was the reason I fought against the darkness. And now I was nothing. It was as if my heart was a dry leaf on a fall day, placed in his hand as it crumbled to pieces.

  “Do you believe me, Peyton?” I locked my gaze with his, the aching pain in my heart radiating throughout my body. He stood by the side of the bed, his head hanging low. “Answer me!” My voice was so loud that a nurse stopped and peeked her head inside my room. I didn’t care, though. I needed my answer and I needed it now.

  “Lynn …” He moved to the foot of the bed before looking at me. “It’s not that I don’t believe you.”

  “Then what is it?” From the corner of my eye, I saw Loren back into the corner, bowing her head and trying to avoid the uncomfortable conversation between me and Peyton. “Well?”

  “It’s a lot of information to process at once, and what I do for a living is re-create both parts of the story. I need to build the case and debate the argument.”

  “Both parts of the story? Are you fucking kidding me? This is me we’re talking about. Us! You have to re-create both sides of the story. You found me. Did you not?” He didn’t answer. Instead, he inhaled and cracked his neck. “Do you think I magically showed up at my doorstep and decided that there on the cold cement was a good place to fucking overdose? Someone left me there, the same someone who took me.”

  He stood quietly, doubt in his eyes.

  “Get out!”

  “Lynn—”

  “Now, Peyton! Get out of my room, get out of here. Get out of my life. Stay the fuck away from me.” I pointed to the door. “You can play both sides of the story elsewhere, far away from me. I don’t need your pity. I don’t need you. This between us is over. So over. I know what happened. Someone took me! I don’t know who or how, but they did, and you don’t fucking believe me!”

  “I believe you.” He began to walk towards me.

  “Get out!” I pointed to the door, stopping him from coming any closer.

  “I looked for you! I went to your sister’s house looking for you. I found you on your steps. I’m processing the information that’s all.”

  “I don’t give a shit! We’re done, Peyton.” I began to sob. “Go process this shit elsewhere. I want you out. Get out of my life. Get away from me.” Loren rushed to my side when the heart rate monitor began to beep again.

  “Peyton, maybe it’s better to go and give her some time.” Loren rubbed her hands up and down my arms as she spoke to him.

  I pressed the nurse button, needing someone to remove h
im from my room. “Leave me alone,” I cried, locating the morphine button. There wasn’t enough time in this entire lifetime that would be enough for me to go back to him. He doubted me. After everything.

  “I won’t be far.” He looked at Loren, but I no longer cared where he was, as long as it wasn’t in front of me. Peyton was my knight; in my dreams he came in and saved the day.

  But not this time.

  Blinking through tears, I saw the doubt in his eyes again. Nonstop tears streamed down my face as I stared at the dull painting on the wall.

  He doubted me.

  I wanted to disappear. Be left alone. I kept my eyes closed even if I wasn’t sleeping. If only I could block out the noises as well.

  “Hey, Lo,” I heard Kennedy say. “How’s she doing?”

  “I don’t know, Kennedy. She kicked Peyton out and now she won’t eat. She’s been sleeping all day,” Loren responded.

  “I think it’s a lot for her to take at once. They should have given her that information slowly instead of dumping it all on her.” I felt Kennedy sit beside me and pull the PCA pump from my hand. I opened my eyes slowly to look at her.

  “I need to stop this, okay?” She spoke softly.

  “Why?” I started to panic. I needed it.

  “Braelynn, you have used it non-stop for the past few hours. I need to know how bad your pain is so we determine what medication to send you home with.” She pushed the cart away.

  “But—”

  “Braelynn, I already gave you too much as it is. I don’t want you to become dependent.”

  But what she didn’t understand was that I was already dependent. I required the drip that fell from the machine, flowed through the tube and into my vein. I didn’t want to feel any other way other than how I felt when I was on it. Frantic, I brought my hands to my face and sobbed. Peyton was gone. And the only thing I had to stop the pain I felt in my chest—a pain that was destroying me from within—was being dragged out of my room.