First Time For Everything

by Aimee Carson

  When he pushed open the door, it hit the wall with a resounding thud. Battling the sick feeling, he strode directly to the sink and clutched the basin, the smooth marble cool under his clammy hands. Heat radiated from his body, the effects of the nausea taking hold.

  If he’d eaten earlier, he would have vomited.

  Willing his body to hold on, he lifted the stopper on the basin and filled the sink, fighting the adrenaline racking his body as he stared into the swirling water. But it was no use. No matter how hard he tried, all he could see was his father’s lifeless face...morphing into the familiar features of Jax.

  He splashed cold water on his cheeks, the chilling bite just what he needed to regain control. Drying off with one of the towels provided, he inhaled deeply, forcing a return of logic as he prepared to return to the party. Back to Jax.

  And a more firmly laid-out plan to get the woman to see reason.

  He found her studying a portrait of a woman sitting on an exam table, sheet covering her lap, starring at the stirrups at the end as if she were about to walk the plank.

  The frown on her face was thoughtful. “I don’t think I’d want this one hanging on my wall,” she said easily, oblivious to the turmoil that had wreaked havoc on his system. “But I was hoping you’d bid on the one of the women in the waiting ro—”

  “I don’t care about the painting, Jax,” he said, cutting her off even as he forced himself to remain calm.

  Or at least appear calm.

  Jax stared at him warily. “What is your problem?”

  “Right now,” he said, his tone forced as he struggled to keep his voice down, “your stubborn insistence on delaying the wedding is my problem. Not to mention the thought of the mother of my baby spending every day in a less-than-safe side of town.”

  She slowly turned to face him, as if preparing to do battle, and tipped her head in skeptical disbelief. A full five seconds passed before she spoke.

  “A list of rules won’t save you, Blake. The world is full of danger.”

  He swallowed back the scoff, despising the platitude. And the most hated platitude of all?

  It was an accident, Blake. Your father’s death is not your fault.

  “Some neighborhoods are worse than others, and you know it,” he said. Just another one of those pesky life details that Jax liked to ignore. “We’re a family now and we need to make it official.”

  She inhaled slowly, clearly struggling to maintain her temper. “Our baby has plenty of family. A mother, a father and a lovely grandmother that will make him or her awful birthday cakes. Not to mention the fact that Nikki will make a wonderful aunt,” she said firmly, and then she turned on her heel and headed to the next painting.

  And suddenly, a horrific possibility occurred to him. She might not say yes. She might not ever say yes. He’d be forced to continue watching her from the sidelines. Jax, with her devil-may-care, to-hell-with-the-risks attitude toward life. Engaging in careless actions that not only led to a probationary status at work, an arrest and legal charges to beat, but also had the potential of getting her killed.

  But he was doubly screwed, because now her actions wouldn’t just affect Jax—they put their baby at risk as well....

  Fear drove Blake to follow her with a determined stride. “Jax,” he said as he drew closer. “Why do you refuse to make it legal between us?”

  “Look, Suit.” She pivoted on her heel to face him. “I’ve always dreamed of having a family,” she said, and her admission launched Blake’s frustration to unseen levels. “But—”

  “So marry me,” he implored.

  Her eyes flashed, the fire impressive, and she waited a moment before speaking. “As far as I’m concerned,” she said, her voice deceptively low, “I already have an official family.” She tilted that stubborn chin of hers, and Blake knew trouble wasn’t far behind. “I decided long ago that I do not need a man to define the entity. Your mother and sister and our baby are all the family I need,” she said and then continued on her path to the next painting.

  Stunned, he stared at her retreating back, his previous thought echoing in his head.

  She’d never say yes.

  Several seconds passed before he had the ability to function enough to catch up with her.

  His fear had now reached towering proportions, engulfing his ability to fake composure. “Would you stop walking away from me?” he said as he took her arm, bringing her up short. “And why do you always have to be so damn irrational?”

  She turned to face him, the color draining from her cheeks, and an ominous sensation settled low in his spine. Because he was sure their discussion was about to take a turn for the worse.

  TWELVE

  Irrational.

  The word echoed in Jax’s head. Irrational. Or, as her last boyfriend had so tactlessly phrased it, unstable.

  The word slashed deeper with each reverberation in her brain, draining every drop of blood from her face. Leaving her soul bleeding. Instinctively Jax placed a less-than-steady hand on her abdomen, searching for strength from the scars that represented the hard-fought war she’d waged in the past and won.

  The horrendous demons she’d faced and slayed.

  The larger scars were palpable beneath her silk dress, her baby ensconced protectively somewhere beneath.

  Warrior, Jax. You are a warrior.

  But right now she didn’t feel like one. She’d done her best to keep her disappointment with his unromantic proposal from showing. The one that was all about logic and nothing to do with love. She’d been willing to cut him a little slack, given the baby news was so recent and raw. But, unfortunately, his proposal was rapidly approaching more of a dictate.

  And now she was beginning to wonder if his behavior had mostly to do with his worries about her history....

  Jax sucked in a breath as she fought for control. “You know,” she said, struggling to keep the tremor from her voice, “just because we are having a baby together, it doesn’t mean we have to get married.” Her lips set, she pulled her arm from his grip. “’Cuz God knows we wouldn’t want you to be stuck with an irrational wife.”

  But her attempt at sarcasm fell far short of the mark.

  “Jax,” he said, the return of his levelheaded look and matter-of-fact tone grating on her sensitive nerves. “You’re being unreasonable.”

  His ability to sound so rational made her want to scream, and it was a struggle to keep her voice low. “I’m being unreasonable?” she said. “You’re the one who is trying to dictate when I’ll get married. Where I’ll work.”

  And she knew what was driving him now.

  Fear.

  All along she’d thought he’d accepted her past. The history behind her scars. But it simply took a baby to cut through the facade.

  With each passing second, her anger at his attitude climbed higher. But the anger warred with the pain for control of her heart. Her dreams of a happy family crumbling again, right before her eyes. Just when she’d thought she’d found a place to belong.

  How many times must she be forced to learn the same lesson?

  She briefly squeezed her eyes shut before going on. “And you know what?” she said, a tremor in her voice finally slipping through. “In all the times I fantasized about getting married and having a family of my own, I never once hoped it would be with a man who considered me unstable.”

  Articulating the words out loud hurt, and pain washed through her, clogging her throat.

  “I did not say you were unstable,” he said, a frown replacing the calm demeanor. “You’re putting words in my mouth.”

  Emotion drove her to take a step closer. “Don’t lawyer-speak me,” she said, her anger kicking up another notch. “You called me irrational.” She planted a fist on her hip. “It isn’t much of a leap from one to the
other.”

  “What’s wrong with wanting to marry the mother of my baby?”

  She stared up at Blake, torn between telling him she’d marry him—because the thought of living without him was awful—and telling him no. Because living with a man who doubted her stability would be torture. She’d had those doubts about herself in the past. She couldn’t go down that path again.

  Especially not while being escorted along by her husband.

  Digging her fingernails into her palm, she sucked in a shaky breath. Marry me, Jax. I love you, Jax. Were those ideas such a foreign concept?

  “Listen, Suit,” she said, struggling to keep the fury from her voice, “if you find it difficult dealing with a woman who is so irrational...” She swallowed against the massive lump in her throat, the agony in her chest twisting tighter. “You shouldn’t want to marry me.”

  A scowl overtook his face. “This conversation would be a lot easier if you would stop comparing me to the people from your past,” he said. “I am not the one who skipped out when I learned the truth about your scars.”

  “No,” she fired back. “You’re the man who’s claiming I’m being unreasonable because I’m not letting you call the shots. Because I’m not going along with your stupid rational plans.”

  “Jax,” he said, his expression unyielding, “I’m the reason my mother lost her husband. I’m the reason Nikki lost her father.” A muscle in his jaw bunched, and she could tell he was teetering on the edge of losing control. “I screwed up and got my father killed. And I screwed up and got you pregnant.”

  She was part of his screwup....

  The awful moment expanded, filling every available space in her heart, stealing the rest of the blood from her face.

  He stepped closer, his expression dark. “And I am not going to mess things up for my kid,” he said. “I have to make this right.”

  She blinked back the stinging bite of tears. “Nice, Blake,” she said, the tone so heavy it was a wonder she managed to form the words. Her heart so low she knew she’d never recover. “What a way to make me feel wanted.”

  Knowing that a total loss of mental functioning was near, she turned and headed for the front door. And away from Blake.

  But he clutched her elbow, as if to escort her, his expression one of pure frustration. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “I think you meant every word,” she said, her heart thudding hard beneath her ribs.

  “So here’s a plan for you, Blake,” Jax said, pulling her arm from his hand. “You need to deal with your guilt so you can work out your problems with Nikki. Which would include you easing up and letting her make her own mistakes, so she can quit feeling the need to push back. And as far as I’m concerned—”

  She sucked in a fortifying breath, because the moment of decision was at hand. And she’d never survive living with a man who doubted her judgment.

  “I’ll be happy to share custody of the baby, of course,” she went on, holding her chin high even as her heart was breaking. “But your mom and Nikki and this baby are all the family I need,” she said. “I won’t marry you.”

  The last of Blake’s patience evaporated, and he shoved a hand through his hair. “Jax, you are pregnant with my—”

  “I don’t need your approval,” she said, jabbing his chest with her finger. “I don’t need you to protect me from myself. And I sure as hell don’t need a husband who thinks I’m an unstable mistake.” She stared up at him, wondering how a broken heart could still function enough to thunder so violently in her chest. “Obviously your list of rules was right.” Her voice cracked, but her words were firm. “I’m the wrong woman for you.”

  And with that, she turned on her heel and exited the building.

  * * *

  For the second time in as many weeks, Blake found himself in a doctor’s office. Nikki was scheduled to have her cast removed, and, fortunately, the orthopedist’s office was nothing like Dr. Murphy’s. This time the pictures on the wall were of manly muscles and bones and detailed posters of different joints, the artwork consisting of athletes in beautifully photographed positions of execution. All in all, Blake was pleased with the much more male-friendly environment.

  Too bad the rest of his life had fallen apart.

  He couldn’t sleep, and his concentration at work had been shot to hell. For the first time in several years, Blake had taken a week off. Which would have been nice except for the constant agony of missing Jax.

  And his worry about her, the baby and their future...

  As they waited for the orthopedist to show, Nikki paced the room on her crutches, which had the unfortunate effect of making Blake more uptight than usual. And her topic of conservation was far from soothing, as well.

  “I still don’t understand why Jax took off so suddenly,” Nikki said, and Blake’s heart took a hard nosedive toward the floor. Crutches swinging, followed by the forward lurch of her fire-breathing embellished cast, Nikki went on, disappointment clearly etched on her face. “She looked so upset. And I thought everything would be fine after she’d secured the funding for the club.”

  It would have been, if he hadn’t lost his cool trying to get Jax to see reason. Or if she hadn’t been so stubborn, insisting on measuring his actions through the distorted lens of her past. A distorted view that had apparently continued.

  Because right after the benefit, she’d phoned and left him a message at his office, informing him that she didn’t want him handling her case. Every call he’d placed to her cell in turn had gone unanswered. Until, petrified she’d show up in court and try to represent herself, he’d called Sara and hired her to finish the legal proceedings.

  And he hated being kept out of the loop, with no control.

  He pushed aside his turbulent feelings and the crushing panic that lingered, choosing to concentrate on Nikki instead.

  “Jax didn’t leave because of anything you did, Nikki,” Blake said.

  “I know,” she said reasonably, as if there was no doubt in her mind. But his sister’s gray eyes were troubled and far too all-seeing for comfort. She came to a stop in front of him and handed him her crutches, as if preparing to sit down. “Y’all had an argument, didn’t you?”

  Gripping the handles of the crutches, Blake fought to control his pounding heart and keep the concern from his face. The last thing he wanted to do was discuss his problems with his sister, but she was savvy enough to know that Jax’s leaving was his fault. And every time she questioned him, putting her off got harder and harder to do. Until now she seemed determined to find out the truth.

  “What was the fight about?” she said.

  Blake lifted his gaze to his sister and the eyes that were identical to his, and to their father’s. Sooner or later he’d have to tell his family anyway.

  Waiting wasn’t going to make it any easier.

  Bracing for Nikki’s reaction, he set the crutches aside. “Jax is pregnant with my baby.”

  Her swift inhalation was sharp, and the delight on her face would have been amusing if Blake hadn’t felt so miserable. “You’re going to have a kid?” she said.

  The uncertainty of his future with Jax, his future with his baby, tightened into a massive ball that sat in his stomach like deadweight, making breathing difficult and losing his breakfast in an undignified way a very real possibility.

  The look on his face must have communicated his thoughts.

  After several seconds, Nikki’s gaze narrowed in suspicion. “What did you do to screw it up, Blake?”

  Blake plowed a hand through his hair and let out a weary sigh. “Why does everyone always assume everything is my fault?”

  “Because it usually is,” she said calmly, as if the matter had already been decided. “Did you ask her to marry you?”

  He winced at the memory. “Sort of.”


  Nikki let out a snort. “You don’t ‘sort of’ ask a woman to marry you. Now, tell me exactly what happened, and maybe I can help you fix this.”

  “I told her we had to get married.”

  Nikki’s light punch on his arm was almost hard enough to hurt. “You big doofus,” she said. “You told her?” Her face incredulous, Nikki let out a groan and sank into the seat beside him. “How unromantic can you get?”

  He scrunched up his face with regret. “I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. But when she said we didn’t have to get married, that you and Mom and the baby were all the family she needed, I—” He blew out a breath, trying to finish without making himself look like a jerk. But that didn’t seem possible. “I lost my cool.”

  He used to be the rational guy who never got flustered in court. So where had his usual composure gone? The man who was cool under pressure? But he knew the answer. He’d been blinded by the sheer terror

  of the vision of her dead, triggered by the memories of his father. Blake let out a self-derogatory grunt.

  So who was letting their past control them now?

  “So what exactly did you say?” Nikki said.

  “I told her to start thinking rationally—”

  “Holy guacamole, Blake,” Nikki squeaked out. “I can’t believe you told a hormonal lady in her first trimester to start thinking rationally. And this isn’t the eighteenth century. People don’t have to get married just because they’re having a baby together. And for heaven’s sake, she isn’t some witness you can instruct to stick to the facts. She’s a woman,” Nikki continued, making Blake feel lower than ever before. “A pregnant woman—with all the rights to temporary insanity that go along with the condition. Going all authoritative on her was the absolute wrong thing to do.” The look of regret on his face must have been profound, because her face grew sympathetic. “Do you love her?”