"Hey, Dr. Dietrich," Abby said.
Dietrich nodded at her, glanced once more at Tessa and followed Hunter down the hall.
Once they were in the elevator and the doors closed, Tessa slumped against the wall. "Thank God you came when you did, Abs. No way would I have been able to deal with those two tonight."
"You don't care for Asshole Hunter and Creepy Dietrich?"
"Hunter is irredeemable and he can kiss my ass. James is okay. He's just a little weird. He stood up for me with Kyle Nolan a few nights ago, so he can't be all bad."
"If you like guys who stare at you and don't say a word."
"I think he's just shy." The door opened and they made their way down the corridor painted the same awful beige as the patient floors. "Speaking of creepy, how about Nolan?"
"Yeah, he's a jerk. Thinks he's all that." Abby nudged Tessa and grinned. "Aren't you glad I came and got you? It's so much fun to trash our co-workers."
"Haven't needed your help for that tonight," Tessa confessed. She grabbed a tray and slid a donut and a cup for coffee onto it. "I've been clenching my teeth the whole shift."
By the time they'd paid and found an empty, secluded table, Tessa hoped Abby had forgotten all about her bad mood. But as Abby slid into the chair across from her, the gleam in her friend's eyes told her Abby hadn't forgotten a thing.
"Okay, spill," she said, digging into her salad. She pointed a fork at Tessa's donut. "And what's that all about, Ms. disgustingly healthy eater?"
"Nothing. It looked good." She pushed it away and wrapped her hands around her coffee. "So what's up with you, Abs? How's Jason?"
"Nuh uh." Abby shook her head and swallowed a mouthful of salad. "This is about you tonight. Fess up, Tess. What's going on?"
Tessa moved the plate holding the donut around on her tray. She didn't want to tell Abby how stupid she'd been. Abby knew what had happened with Brian. She knew about Tessa's determination not to get involved with a cop. She'd understand.
"He told me he loved me," Tessa blurted out, holding onto the coffee like a life line.
"What?" Abby's fork clattered to the tray. "The cop? He loves you? Holy crap, Tess. You've only been going out two or three months, right?"
"Exactly." Tessa took a too-big drink of the hot liquid and coughed. "Way too soon for him to say that to me."
"Not necessarily." Abby bounced her fork off the edge of the salad bowl as she studied her friend. "For some people, that's how it happens. One look, and boom. It's done. Happily-ever-after-time."
"Yeah, in movies, maybe. Or books. Not so much in real life." The coffee was hot and bitter as she swallowed a mouthful.
"One of my friends was like that," Abby said softly. "Met the guy and that was it. Never looked at anyone else. They fought it, of course." A smile curled her mouth. "Danced around each other for months. But all their friends knew what was going on. We all had bets on when they'd get engaged."
"So what happened to them?" Tessa's heart was pounding, and she set her coffee down a little too hard. Her hand stung where a few drops splashed onto it.
Jeez. It wasn't as if these friends of Abby's were foreshadowing her and Quinn. She sucked at the sting between her thumb and index finger. It wasn't as if she was waiting for a sign from the heavens.
"Happily married, still sickeningly in love, expecting their second kid." Abby smirked at her. "So don't say 'never'."
"Okay, I won't." Tessa leaned closer to her friend, her heart pounding again. This time, from fear. "But I can't forget what happened to Brian, Abs. What if the same thing happened to Quinn? I don't think I'd survive."
Abby cocked her head. "That would be beyond horrible. Devastating." She reached for Tessa's hand. "There are no words."
She leaned over the table and tightened her grip on her friend. "But did you hear yourself? 'You wouldn't survive'? I think you love him, too. You're just too scared to admit it."
"I can't love him," Tessa whispered. "I can't."
"Then you shouldn't have gone out with him the first time."
"I...I..." Tessa closed her eyes. "I couldn't stop myself, even though I knew I shouldn't do it," she admitted. "I thought I could control things. I thought I'd be able to stop seeing him if my feelings got out of hand. But I couldn't."
Abby squeezed her hand once and let her go. "You two are going to be one of those sickening couples, just like Eileen and Phil. Go for it, girl. Take what you want and don't worry about ifs and maybes. It's not like cops are getting killed left and right in Chicago."
"I know that. But I can still see Brian on that gurney in the emergency room. Still see the trail of blood down the hall." She still felt the pain and loss and grief of losing him. And the ever-present guilt. But she shoved that thought away.
"What can I say, Tess? Lots of bad stuff can happen out there. There are no magic wands to ward off trouble, or invisible shields to protect us. It's life. It's messy. No matter what we do, there's a lot of things we can't control."
Tessa's head pounded and her mouth tasted sour from the bad coffee. "Thanks for listening to me, Abs. And thanks for the advice."
"You're not going to take it, are you?"
"I don't know. I have to think about this."
"It's not a hard decision. He loves you. You love him. Go for it."
Tessa wished it was that simple. "What if I commit to him and realize later that I can't deal with his job?" she asked softly. "What if we get married, have kids, and it doesn't work? What then?"
"Jesus H. Christ, Tess!" Abby rolled her eyes. "What are you, the voice of gloom and doom today? What's the matter with you? There aren't any guarantees, and nothing is ever perfect. You deal with the crap when it happens. Don't worry about all the bad things that could happen. Focus on the good stuff."
Tessa pushed herself away from the table. "That's easy for you to say. You're not the one whose cop fiance died. You don't know what that was like."
Abby stood up and grabbed her own tray. "You didn't love Brian as much as you love Quinn. That's the problem, isn't it? Brian is dead and you're happy and you can't forgive yourself for that. Especially since Quinn is a cop, too."
Her friend's words were sharp arrows to her heart, finding their target with unerring accuracy. "You don't know what you're talking about, Abby." Tessa turned her back, hurried to the moving belt and dropped off her tray. Then, two tears rolling down her cheeks, she walked out of the cafeteria.
Chapter 21
Quinn had been waiting outside the hospital door for fifteen minutes, and he was beginning to worry. What if Tessa had gone out another door in order to avoid him? He'd always met her here. But St. Christopher was a huge hospital with a lot of entrances. Maybe she didn't want to face him.
No. Not Tessa. She'd said she wanted to continue seeing him. She wasn't a coward. If she'd changed her mind, if she was going to break it off with him, she'd tell him to his face. She wouldn't sneak out another door to avoid him.
He turned his phone over and over in his hand, wondering if he should call her. No. He'd sound too needy. Too desperate. He didn't want Tessa to think of him that way.
Even if he was. Desperate. And, yeah, needy. He needed to know they were okay. Needed to know Tessa wasn't going to run away from him.
The revolving door turned, and she walked into the cool night air. The breeze from the lake lifted loose strands that had fallen out of her pony tail, and when she stopped to look around, she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.
She smiled a little when she spotted his car and headed toward him. Okay. Good. She wasn't running in the opposite direction. It was a good start.
"Hey," she said as she swung into the passenger seat. She moved his computer out of the way and closed her door, then struggled to get her seat belt fastened. It looked as though her hands were shaking.
"Hey, Tessa," he said quietly, watching her struggle with the buckle. He finally reached over and snapped it together for her. His fingers brushed hers and he felt her t
ense. Then she relaxed. "You okay?"
She sighed. "What do you think, Quinn? I'm a little nervous. I can't just pretend you didn't tell me...tell me you loved me. What am I supposed to do with that?"
He shifted to face her. "I guess I spoke too soon," he said after a long moment. "But I'm not going to apologize. It's how I feel. Doesn't mean I'm going to demand anything from you. Hell, we've only known each other for a few months. We can just go on the way we have been."
She twisted her hands together in her lap and avoided his gaze. "You knew I didn't want to get involved with a cop. You knew I wanted to keep this light and fun. Why the hell did you fall in love with me?"
Quinn couldn't help the laugh that escaped. "Not exactly the response a guy's looking for when he tells a woman he loves her." He smoothed his hand over her hair, tangled his fingers in her pony tail. "You're an amazing woman, Tessa. Smart, funny, loving, honest. And beautiful. I love your smart mouth. How straightforward you are. Your kindness. The way you know when something's bothering me, and the way you try to help me fix it. And the chemistry between us is like nothing I've ever experienced. So, yeah, I fell in love with you."
She sighed, and her lower lip quivered. "I said I wanted to continue seeing you, but...but maybe I need to take a little break. Get some things straight in my head."
"What kinds of things?" He wasn't going to smooth the way for her to dump him. He was going to fight for Tessa. For what they could have together.
"If I can do this. If I can continue dating you, sleeping with you, knowing how you feel."
"That shouldn't change anything."
"Are you serious?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "It changes everything. It's not light and fun anymore. It's serious. You'll have expectations. I'll be worried I'm giving you the wrong signals."
He wanted to reach over the console and pull her into his arms, but it wasn't the time. "Tessa, I never knew you had this melodramatic streak. Why should anything change? You must have realized I was falling for you. The only thing different is that I've said it out loud."
"And now it's there between us." She shoved her hand through her hair, pulling more curly strands free of the ponytail. "It was easier to ignore when it was unsaid."
He studied her for a long moment, then took a chance. "Are we talking about me? Or you?"
She slid her eyes away, but not before he'd seen the shock in their amber depths. And the fear. So she felt the same way about him. And it terrified her.
"Forget I said that, Tessa. Let's go get a burger at Oscars and talk about something else. Okay?"
She swallowed once, then again, and nodded. "Okay. Let's do that."
***
Tessa had made a mistake. She shouldn't have agreed to come to Oscars. It was the place they'd gone the first time, the night they'd met. The night she'd come home to find someone had broken into her apartment.
Tonight, sitting in a booth at the same bar, all she could think about was the desire that had burned between them. The way his legs brushed hers. The arousal that throbbed inside her. The overwhelming yearning she'd felt for him.
It had been a warning, and she'd ignored it. She'd never felt such a strong connection to anyone, and it should have warned her that she was in trouble. Instead, she'd let herself indulge in a relationship with him, and it had only gotten worse. She'd fallen hard for Quinn, and now she didn't know what to do about it.
He loved her. It was both terrifying and exhilarating. Quinn Donovan loved her.
She shoved her plate away from her and grabbed the check. Her hands shook as she tossed a couple of bills on the table. "I need to go home, Quinn. Okay? By myself. I have to...I have to think. I need to get my head straight."
"Whatever you need, Tessa."
"God, Quinn. Do you have to be so nice? So understanding? Why don't you yell at me for jerking you around? Then, at least, I wouldn't feel so guilty."
"Maybe that's my secret strategy. Overwhelm you with my niceness," he said. He smiled as he slid out of the booth, but it didn't reach his eyes.
Quinn was a decent, caring, good man. And she was jerking him around.
"Will you at least let me walk you to your door? Check your apartment for you? Whoever broke into your place is still out there, and I'll feel better if I know you're safe."
"Get angry at me, Quinn," she shouted at him as they walked out of the bar. "Don't be so nice."
"Fine, Tessa. You want angry? You care about me, too. In fact, I think you love me. So why are you willing to throw it all away? Why won't you fight for us? No one's promised forever. No one's promised even one more day. Being afraid I'm going to get hurt is a really stupid reason for pushing me away."
"But it's my reason."
"What's really fueling that, Tessa?" He stopped and swung her around to face him. "Is it because you feel guilty that you're happy and Brian's dead? That your sex life wasn't spectacular and you resented that? What's really going on?"
"You don't know anything about me and Brian. So don't make any assumptions." But inside she was cringing. Quinn had managed to rip the scab off all her old insecurities and fears about Brian. They'd been children when they started dating. When they'd reconnected, they'd been more best friends than lovers. They'd had a fight before he went to work that afternoon. About sex.
She'd told Quinn they'd had sex before they both left for work, and they had. But only after she'd begged Brian. Asked him why he never wanted to sleep with her anymore.
He hadn't answered her. He'd just sighed and begun taking off his clothes. Like sex with her was a duty he had to perform.
The guilt had eaten her up after he died. She should have broken things off with him long before that day. She should have let him go so he could find someone who could love him for who he was, not the child he used to be.
Seeing him lying on the gurney in the emergency room, dead, had frozen everything inside her. Brian would never have a chance to find someone to love him the way he deserved to be loved.
And it was her fault.
What if the same thing happened with Quinn? What if they didn't work out, and he died before she could make it right? She couldn't live with such a crushing load of guilt.
She began walking faster, and Quinn trotted along beside her. She was crying, and she knew he'd seen her tears. When they got to her building, she raced up the stairs, Quinn right behind her.
Her hand shook as she tried to insert the key in the lock, and Quinn took it from her and unlocked the door himself. He flipped on the lights, searched every room, then put the key in her hand. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, Tess." He kissed her once, then let her go when the kiss began to deepen. "Sleep well."
Tessa listened to him walk down the stairs, tempted to call him back. Tempted to tell him the truth about her and Brian. But by the time she forced her feet to move, he was out the door. She hurried to her window and watched him on the sidewalk below her building. He looked up, held her gaze for a moment, then looked away.
He was doing exactly what she'd asked him to do – giving her space. And she hated it. She wanted to feel him curled into her in bed, wanted to hold onto him while she slept.
She needed to get her act together and figure out what she wanted. What she was willing to risk. Because if she got involved with Quinn, she would have to be all in. She couldn't float along like she had with Brian. Quinn wouldn't let her get away with that.
And that scared her more than anything.
***
The next evening, Quinn pulled his car into the parking lot of his apartment after his shift. He glanced toward Tessa's apartment building, then looked away.
It had been her day off, and she'd texted him that she was going to Glen Ellyn. She'd be home late, she'd said. She'd talk to him the next day.
He'd wanted to ask who it was, what they were going to do, why she'd be gone late. But he'd stopped himself. Space. She needed space, and he would give it to her.
He'd missed her like hell the night before. No
t just the sex, although he'd been tormented all night by memories of the last time they'd been together. He missed sleeping with her, waking up with her in his arms. He missed rolling over and knowing she was close. Missed the way she'd spoon into him during the night.
He got out of his car and slammed the door harder than necessary. He'd never been good at waiting. And now, when it was so important, he wasn't sure how long he'd be able to honor her need for some distance.
His apartment was dark and felt unlived in, even though he'd slept here last night. It had been one of the very few times since he'd met Tessa that they'd been apart. He'd spent far more time at her place than at his.
He stepped into his dark bedroom and put his gun and badge on the dresser. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the light on in Tessa's bedroom, but he didn't allow himself to look. He wasn't going to violate her privacy again.
That light was a symbol of everything that was wrong, so he headed back into the kitchen and got a beer. He turned on the television and surfed through the channels, but nothing caught his attention.
He turned it off and tossed the remote onto the coffee table, then grabbed a book he'd picked up a couple of weeks earlier but hadn't started. He'd been too caught up in Tessa to do anything as mundane as reading.
He'd only gotten a few pages into the story when he heard voices, and he froze. It sounded as if they were coming from Tessa's place.
One of the voices was deep. Did Tessa have a man in her apartment?
For a moment, betrayal clutched his chest and clawed at his throat. Had she brought a man back to her apartment?
No. Tessa wouldn't do that. She wouldn't cheat on him. He knew that down to his marrow. Maybe it was the friend she'd gone to visit. An old colleague? A friend from school?
An old boyfriend?
Before he could stop himself, he was on his feet and heading into his bedroom. He had to see for himself. He'd just take one quick look. Make sure she was okay.
Watch Me (The Donovan Family Book 2) Page 19
