"We take precautions," she said, but a corner of her brain knew what he said was true. "If there's even a hint of something contagious, we're wrapped up like mummies before we see a patient."
"So no nurse or doctor has ever gotten sick."
"Of course we do. But it's not like we walk up to doors, not knowing who's on the other side. It's not like we deliberately put ourselves in dangerous situations every day."
"We don't, either, Tess. A lot of police work is boring and dull. Paperwork. Phone calls. Interviews. You hear about the guys who get hurt or killed because it's in the paper. And it's devastating when it's someone you love. But people get hurt or killed at their jobs every day. You just don't hear about them because they're not in the public eye."
Tessa felt herself weakening, so she slid out of Quinn's bed and picked up her clothes. She couldn't afford to weaken. She couldn't afford to want. Except in the most superficial way.
"I understand what you're trying to say, but you're talking to a woman who saw her police officer fiance die. I get it that fluke accidents happen, no matter what you do for a living. But I don't think I could live with that constant fear. The worry. The wondering if this is the night you don't come home."
He jumped out of bed and pulled on his jeans, leaving his chest bare. That wasn't helping her resolve. So she looked over to her own apartment, the curtain blowing gently in the breeze. Quinn had been her fantasy man. The one she'd dreamt about. Yearned for.
Maybe fantasies were better if they were unfulfilled. Better if they stayed perfect fantasies, instead of letting reality intrude.
Quinn caught her hands. "Give us a chance, Tessa. Don't shut me out because of what I do for a living. What we have doesn't come along very often. Please don't throw it away."
"I want to continue to see you, Quinn. I love...I love spending time with you. I'm just not sure I can commit to anything more than that."
"You want to continue having sex with me." His voice was flat. Impossible to read.
"Of course I do. I've never felt so free with a guy. Never felt as if I could truly be myself in bed with anyone. I didn't want to be aggressive because I was afraid I'd scare them off. I don't feel that way with you."
"I'm glad, Tessa. But that just proves what I'm saying. I've never felt this way about anyone. How often do you think this kind of connection happens? What we have is pretty damn rare."
She stepped toward the door but he moved in front of her. Blocked her way. "Was Brian one of the men you couldn't be yourself around?"
She felt heat rising in her face. "We were kids when we first had sex. We were both tentative."
"How about after you reconnected? The day he died, the day you had sex before you went to work. Were you 'yourself' in bed with him that day?"
No. She'd never been herself in bed with Brian. "That's none of your damn business!" She shoved him aside and practically ran for the door.
Before she got there, she heard Quinn say, "I'll take that as a no."
Her eyes swimming with tears, she yanked the door open and fled into the hall.
***
Quinn listened to Tessa's footsteps fading as she ran down the stairs, then he sunk onto his bed. Fuck. He'd screwed that up, big time. Instead of being understanding, he'd challenged her. Pushed too hard. Made her run away.
But he was right, damn it. Yeah, he had a dangerous job, but so did she. So did a lot of other people. If Tessa narrowed her dating choices to men with safe jobs, she'd eliminate a lot of men. And end up with a bunch of boring guys.
No. That wasn't true. Being Tessa, gorgeous and smart, funny and sexy, she could find a great guy whenever she wanted. But the thought of her with another man made him grind his teeth. Couldn't she see that what they had was special? Something that didn't come along very often?
She wasn't thinking straight. Yeah, she'd had a tough loss. A guy she loved, a guy she'd known for years, had been killed. And she'd been working in the ER when he was brought in. That would do a number on anyone's head.
The problem was, he had no idea how to convince her to take a chance. To take the risk, focusing on what they could have rather than what they could lose.
He wanted to sit on their porch when they were old and gray, holding hands while they watched their grandchildren play. He wanted forever with Tessa, no matter how long 'forever' lasted.
Now he had to figure out a way to convince her she wanted the same thing. Where the hell should he start?
He grabbed his phone from the pocket of his jeans and stared at it for a minute. Then, his hand shaking, he pushed the button to make a call.
***
Sprawled on her couch, Tessa scrubbed her hands over her face, wiping away the tears that had leaked out of her eyes. When she walked in the door, she wanted to throw herself onto her bed and sob out her pain. But Quinn was just across the way, and she knew now that he could hear her from his bedroom.
See her, too.
She shifted on the couch. His confession, knowing that he'd watched as she'd touched and stroked herself to orgasm, had been arousing rather than upsetting. And what they'd done after his confession had been so intimate. So profoundly personal. Something she'd never shared with a man before.
Something she'd never even considered sharing before Quinn.
Brian would have been embarrassed if she suggested it. Uncomfortable with the idea.
Because Brian was a different man than Quinn. Sex with Brian had been satisfying. Good sex.
'Were you yourself in bed with Brian that afternoon?'
Quinn had been right. The answer was no.
She'd loved Brian. She'd known him for a long time. They'd been best friends in high school.
What she had with Quinn was different. More intense. More physical.
Tears flowed down her face again. More intimate.
More complete.
God, why had she allowed herself to fall in love with Quinn? She knew better. She'd known he was a cop from the very beginning. But she'd been too attracted to him to resist. The sex they shared – no, she wasn't going to lie to herself – the lovemaking they shared – was breathtaking. Out of control.
Unlike anything she'd ever experienced.
She'd been with enough guys to know the difference. None of them, including Brian, had made her feel the way she did with Quinn.
And the thought of masturbating in front of any of her partners, even Brian, made her cringe.
Why couldn't she have fallen in love with an actuary? A salesman? Some guy who worked at a desk?
Who could be hit by a car on his way home from work.
She shoved Quinn's words out of her head. Yes, bad things happened to people. As a nurse, she knew that better than most. But the chances of being hit by a car as you walked home from work were a lot less than getting hurt as a police officer.
She couldn't stop seeing Quinn. That would tear her apart. But she could be more careful around him. Hold herself back. Make sure she didn't fall any more deeply in love with him.
A small voice inside her head whispered that holding back was the last thing she wanted to do. She was just afraid. Afraid to let herself love Quinn the way she wanted to do.
That made her a coward.
Tessa pushed herself off the couch and headed for her bedroom. She couldn't stop herself from glancing out the window at Quinn's apartment, half-expecting him to be in his bedroom, where she'd left him.
Instead, his apartment was dark. Not a light on anywhere. Over the past couple of months, she'd learned what his place looked like when he was home. Unless he was sleeping, there was always a faint glow of light from the living room or kitchen.
He wasn't home.
Where had he gone? Was he getting a beer with a friend? One of his siblings?
Her stomach twisted. She'd seen the way women looked at Quinn when they were out together. Assessing. Interested. Covetous. Tessa had just rejected him. There were a lot of women who'd be thrilled to console him. More t
han happy to be the shoulder he cried on.
Tessa was stuck in limbo. She couldn't give him what he wanted. But she couldn't bear to let him go, either.
Chapter 20
Quinn twirled the bottle of beer and looked at the woman sitting on the other side of the kitchen table. "So what the hell am I supposed to do?"
Rose Donovan patted her son's hand. "Give her a little time, Quinn. Being a cop's wife is challenging. She's right about the worry each time you leave for work. Wondering if it's the last time she'll see you."
Quinn's gut clenched at the picture his mother painted. "Is that what you did every time Dad left for his shift?"
"Of course it was. I adored your father. But for all that worrying, it wasn't the job that killed him. It was a distracted driver. An accident, the kind that can happen to anyone. Maybe if she understands that, she'll agree to marry you."
"I haven't asked her to marry me, Mom. I just told her I loved her."
His mother gave him a knowing look. "If I know you, the proposal won't be far behind."
"She has to decide to give me a chance before I can ask her to marry me." He closed his eyes. He didn't even want to think about the possibility of Tessa leaving, but it hovered over his head like a dark cloud. She'd pulled away the day before, left to sleep in her own bed. He'd spent the night in the living room, lights off, wishing he could take back the words that had driven her away. "I'm not sure I want to bet on her giving me that chance."
"Tessa loves you. It was obvious both times I saw you together. Just give her time to figure that out for herself."
"Even if she figures it out, that doesn't mean she's going to stick around. I saw it in her eyes. She's ready to run. How do I stop her from leaving?"
"You don't, Quinn." His mother gave him a sad smile. "If she's determined to go, you can't stop her. I know it will break your heart. But if she's not strong enough to accept what you're offering, she's not strong enough to make a marriage work. If she's so focused on her fear that she doesn't realize everything in life is a risk, it wasn't meant to be. You're a strong man. You need a strong woman."
"Tessa's the strongest woman I know."
"Then you have to trust that she'll come around. That she'll realize what you could have together is worth the risk."
Quinn stared at the empty bottle for a long moment, then stood up and tossed it in the recycling bin. "Thanks for listening, Mom."
"You don't like what I said." His mother wasn't asking a question.
"You and Dad had a good marriage. I figured you'd know the secrets. I thought you could tell me what to do." Quinn's voice was low, and he hated the way he sounded. Desperate. Needy. Lost.
"Baby, I had all the answers when you were five years old. Not anymore. The questions are a lot tougher now.
"I can only tell you what not to do," Rose said. "Don't pressure her. Don't back away, either. Show her what you two have together."
"I thought I already had."
"Quinn, you've only known Tessa for, what? Two months? Three? You don't need to rush into anything. Take a little time to get comfortable with each other. To get to know each other."
"That's the whole point, Mom. We're already comfortable with each other. And I know her better than I've ever known another woman."
"Then you need to let her get to know herself. Let her find the strength you know she has."
For about the hundredth time, he wished he could take the words back. All of them, including his confession. Even though what happened after he'd told her he'd watched her was the hottest thing he'd ever seen or done. He'd give all of it back if he could snatch those words out of the air before they reached her ears.
"I've got to go, Mom. I have to get to work."
Rose stood up. "What are you going to do, Quinn?"
"I have no idea. It's not up to me."
"What would you do tonight if you hadn't told her you loved her?"
He shrugged. "I'd pick her up from work. We'd get something to eat, unwind. Talk."
"Then do that tonight."
"Planning on it." He couldn't stay away from Tessa, even if he wanted to. Did that make him pathetic? No. It just made him stupidly in love with her.
Damn it. He better get his head on straight. Being distracted on the job was the quickest way to get hurt or killed. And there was no way he'd make Tessa go through that again.
As he drove to the precinct, he tried to push all thoughts of her to the back of his mind. He wouldn't figure this out while he was on the job, so he might as well stop thinking about her.
But that was easier said than done.
Four hours later, as they walked down the steps of a suspect's apartment building, Connor shoved him against the railing. "What the hell is wrong with you, man? Get your head out of your ass. You're going to get one of us hurt. Or worse. That douche bag up there was twitching to pull on us. And you just stood there and watched him! Jesus, Quinn."
Quinn closed his eyes. His brother was right. His head wasn't in the game today. All he could think about was Tessa and the way she'd walked out his door the night before. And that was dangerous.
"Sorry, Con. You're right. You should have asked someone else to come here with you."
"I asked you because I trust you to have my back." Connor's eyes were narrowed to slits. "So what's going on? Why have you checked out?"
"Stuff. Personal stuff that has nothing to do with the job. Okay? It won't happen again."
"Hell, no, it won't. Next time I'll ask Burrows to come with me. Or Kucharski. Someone who's not mooning over a woman."
"It's not..." Quinn closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "You're right. It's Tessa. And I'm sorry, okay? I'm an ass.”
Connor didn't say anything until they were in the car and heading toward the station. "You want to talk about it?"
"Do I look like I sit around listening to Oprah and waiting for Dr. Phil's words of wisdom? No, I don't want to talk about it."
"She must be something if she's got you tied up in knots like this."
"What part of 'no, I don't want to talk about it' don't you understand? Drop it, Con."
"She dump your ass, bro?"
"No, she didn't dump me." Not in so many words, anyway. But the shock and fear on her face when he'd told her he loved her would burn in his memory for a damn long time.
"If you ever want to talk about it, let me know."
"Yeah, because you have such a sterling record with women," Quinn muttered.
"I know how to play the game," Connor said matter-of-factly. "You make it clear it's not serious, you both have some fun, and then you move on."
"Great life plan, Con." He glanced at his brother. His carefree, happily single twin would have no idea what to do if he found himself in love with a woman who didn't want to love him back.
Lucky Connor.
***
The hospital wall's dark beige color grated on Tessa more than usual tonight. Who painted walls that color in a hospital? They should be trying to cheer people up, not make them more depressed.
She noticed an aide hurrying into a patient's room with a bedpan, and scowled at the back of her head. It had taken Barbara way too long to help her patient.
Tessa closed her eyes and counted to ten, trying to calm down. Everyone was getting on her nerves tonight. All the other nurses, the aides, the technicians. Even the patients.
When she'd found herself ready to snap at a woman who'd had a knee replacement two days earlier, Tessa gritted her teeth, smiled at the patient and told her she'd just been buzzed. It was a lie. But better to lie to the woman, who was one of the nicest patients she had, than say something she'd regret.
It wasn't that the patients and her co-workers were more irritating tonight. It was Tessa's aching heart, along with a serious lack of sleep the night before, that was causing her agitation.
How could Quinn have fallen in love with her? She'd asked herself the question countless times. She'd told him she didn't get involved with
cops. She'd told him she needed to keep it light, keep it surface, not get too serious.
Can you blame him? You fell in love with him, too. The small voice had been nagging her since last night, and was probably the source of her sour mood.
Yes, she'd fallen in love with Quinn. But she was determined to get over him. Determined not to let herself fall any more deeply in love. She'd back off a little. They'd been together almost every night since that first time, even when he got caught on a case and came home really late.
The first night she'd been expecting him and he didn't show up, she hadn't for a moment thought he'd forgotten about her. Hadn't thought he'd blown her off. She'd assumed he'd call when he got a chance. She'd been startled awake when he called and told her about the horrible case he'd caught. Later that week, she'd given him a key to her apartment.
She'd acted like it wasn't a big deal. She didn't want to be scared awake when her phone rang, she'd told him. And he'd acted like it wasn't a big deal, either, as if women gave him keys to their places every other day.
But it was. A big deal. She'd never given anyone but Brian a key to her apartment. And he hadn't used it very many times.
She'd given Quinn a key within a week of meeting him. She should have known she was in trouble.
Even then, she'd been in too deep. She just had refused to acknowledge it.
"You look like your cat just died." Abby slid into the chair next to her, studying her face. "What's wrong?"
"I don't have a cat."
"We can fix that. Although I didn't know you wanted a cat."
Tessa pressed her palms against her eyes. "Very funny, Abby. And I don't want to talk about what's wrong, okay?"
"Not okay." She tugged on Tessa's hand. "You're overdue for your break. Let's go down to the cafeteria."
"Just what I need to feel better. Cafeteria coffee."
"I'll get you some soothing tea. Come on."
Tessa glanced at her watch and realized she should have taken her break a half hour ago. "Fine. All right." She told one of the other nurses she was leaving, then followed Abby to the elevator.
When the door binged and opened, Dr. Hunter and James Dietrich were standing in front of them. Both women stepped to the side. Hunter strode onto the floor as if they were invisible. James stared first at Abby, then focused on Tessa for a moment longer than was comfortable.
Watch Me (The Donovan Family Book 2) Page 18
