Not Mine to Give

by Laura Landon

  Duncan turned on her as if she’d spoken blasphemy. “Nay! My father’s honor is at stake. I must have it to save his honor. I must have it.”

  The desperate look in his eyes sliced through her and her heart twisted in her breast, then broke. “I cannot give it to you.” Katherine’s harsh whisper stammered through the violent sobs that shook her body. “I gave my word. I swore to God. I cannot break my vow. Not even for you.”

  Katherine looked at him through her tears. The expression on his face mirrored her pain. It reflected her torture. It answered the question her heart dreaded to hear. The answer rang as clear and loud as the hollow pealing of a death knell. His next question sealed their fate.

  “Have you na come to care for me at all, Kate?”

  Katherine swallowed. “Was that your intent these past months? To barter your affection in exchange for the crown?” She raised her head until she could see his face clearly. “I gave you all I could, Duncan. I am sorry if it was not enough.”

  Katherine concentrated on her husband’s face as the muscles in his cheeks tightened and his lips thinned. The frantic look in his eyes frightened her and she turned away from him. The loud slam of the door as he left the room thundered with the same finality as the door he closed on her heart.

  An important part of her died.

  …

  She found the secret passageway. Katherine knelt before the altar in the chapel and repeated the same prayer she’d prayed for months, but God had not seen fit to give her an answer.

  She’d begged and bargained and bartered for a miracle that would allow her to return the crown and not lose her Scot, but now it was too late.

  In the end, she had no choice but to accept God’s will. Now her prayer was that if God would not provide for her to return the crown and keep her Scot, then He would give her the courage to do what she had promised Father Kincaid that night all those months ago. That somehow she would be selfless enough to give the crown to her father even though she knew how desperate Duncan was to have it. Even though she knew without the crown, Duncan would never want her.

  She fingered the warm beads in her hands, then added a final prayer that Duncan wouldn’t think of her with only hatred in his heart.

  Her plan was simple. She only had to reach Ian and ask for sanctuary. Then, Duncan could not touch her. He would not be able to get the crown.

  Her heart skipped a beat. She clenched her hand to her stomach and held it there. God’s demands were too great. She did not have the courage. She closed her eyes and began her prayer again.

  Katherine heard the soft footsteps behind her and knew Regan had arrived. Kate had asked that she meet her.

  “Mary said you wanted to see me. Did you think it would be safer if we met where God could protect you?”

  Katherine turned to face the woman who loved Duncan almost as much as she. “I was not concerned with my safety. I asked to meet here because I need a favor from you and I didn’t want anyone to overhear.”

  “You would like a favor of me? That’s funny, English. I think I would be the last person you would ask for help.”

  Katherine took a deep breath. She just had to say the words and it would be over. “I know you don’t care for me, Regan, which is—”

  The shrill laughter that came from Regan’s mouth sounded like blasphemy in the small, sacred sanctuary. “Do na care for you? Oh, English. My feelings have far passed na caring for you.”

  Katherine fingered the smooth marble beads in her hands. “Then you should find my favor quite agreeable. I would like you to help me leave Duncan.”

  “For how long?”

  Katherine concentrated on the one word she needed to say. The one word that would make what she was doing more real. “Forever.”

  There was a slight pause before Regan said more. “And go where?”

  Katherine could hear the disbelief in her voice. “That’s not important. If you help me leave, I promise I’ll never come back. You will have Duncan to yourself.”

  Even in the shadowed candlelight of the small chapel, Katherine could see Regan’s eyes open wide. “How can you promise you’ll never come back? The laird will na let you leave him. You are his wife.”

  “When I leave, Duncan will not care if I come back to him or not.”

  Regan didn’t hesitate long before she asked her next question. “What would I have to do?”

  A small, painful breath caught in Katherine’s throat and she touched her hand to her breast and swallowed past it. “Tomorrow morning after the laird leaves the keep to practice with his men, I want you to bring a horse to the spot outside the castle walls where the rocks end and the stream curves around the hill. Do you know where that is?”

  “Aye.”

  “Tie the horse to a tree by the stream and leave it. I will find it when I get there.”

  “How will you get out of the castle without Duncan seeing you?”

  “That is my problem.”

  “Where will you go?”

  Katherine leaned her hand against the railing where she’d knelt and gripped the wood for support. “Someplace where Duncan can never find me.”

  “Why?”

  Katherine clutched the beads to her heart. Why? “Because…” Katherine’s voice broke and she cleared it, but still could not talk. How could she tell this stranger she couldn’t stay here, knowing how she’d disappointed him. How could she tell her it was easier for her to live alone for the rest of her life than to live with Duncan’s hatred for even one day.

  “Do you na love him, English?”

  Regan asked the question as if it were impossible to imagine not loving Duncan. “I wish I did not. This would be easier if I did not.”

  “And does he love you?”

  Katherine closed her eyes and blinked back the wetness in her eyes. “No. He doesn’t love me. It will not take long for him to forget me and take you back into his bed, Regan.”

  Katherine waited for Regan to give her answer. It came quickly.

  “Your gray mare will be tied to a tree by the stream, English, waiting for you.”

  Katherine nodded, then walked from the chapel with her shoulders back and her head high — and her heart in pieces.

  She’d always known it would come to this. She just didn’t think it would hurt so much.

  It did.

  …

  Katherine lifted the torch higher and made her way down the long tunnel that would take her outside the walls of Lochmore Castle and far away from Duncan. With each step she struggled to ignore the tunnel walls that closed in on her, suffocating the air from her chest.

  This passageway was narrower than the tunnel she’d taken to escape from Kilgern and it seemed longer too, but Katherine knew she was almost to the end. She tried to forget how much her heart ached and walked faster to escape. But she couldn’t walk fast enough to get away from the hurt and the emptiness. It was an aching she felt even when Duncan had been in the same room with her.

  Last night she’d waited for him, hoping he would come to her. He had not. His absence showed her what their life would be like if she didn’t give him the crown.

  Katherine continued through the secret passageway, stopping only long enough to catch her breath. She had no doubt that when she made her way to the exit, her horse would be tied to the tree just as Regan had promised. If Duncan noticed she was not in her seat beside him for midday meal, it would probably be with relief that he wouldn’t have to look at her until evening.

  A familiar stabbing of pain clenched around her heart and she concentrated on opening the locked door just ahead. Bright sunlight blinded her and she shielded her eyes when she pushed on the door. She looked around for the horse Regan had promised would be there and found it tied to the tree just a few yards ahead.

  Katherine mounted the familiar gray mare and took one last look at the impressive fortress she’d shared with Duncan for a short time. The place she had called home. She pulled on the reins and rode in the opposi
te direction. She did not have much time to get the crown and ask Ian for sanctuary before Duncan realized she had left him.

  …

  Duncan lowered one knee to the ground and braced his elbow on the other knee while his chest fought for air. He focused on the two warriors still lying in the dirt ahead of him, then looked to the right to see who was next. There was no one left who would challenge him.

  “Give it up, lad,” Angus said from behind him. “Your men can na take much more of your punishment. Even if you fight every warrior in Scotland, it will na make you feel better. You can na change what she must do.”

  Duncan swiped the back of his hand across his face then let his shoulders sag. “She knows how important the crown is to me and she does na care enough to give it over.”

  “How she feels for you has nothing to do with the crown and well you know it. She took a vow. You told me yourself she swore to God. You would have her risk her soul?”

  Duncan brushed the dust from his clothes, grabbed his shirt from the peg where he’d hung it to keep it clean, and took long, determined steps toward the outdoor vat of water where he could bathe. “Nay,” he said, stepping into the icy water and scrubbing the dirt and sweat from his body. “I can na ask her to risk her soul. But I can na believe our priest would demand she make such a vow. He knew my father’s honor would be lost if he gave up the crown.”

  “Mayhap you should search hard to make sure your father’s honor has been lost.”

  “Do you think Father could have given the priest the order to return the crown to England?”

  Angus paced in front of the wooden barrier. He looked as if he were pondering the idea, considering it as a possibility. “I do na know. Your father loved peace above all else. He may have weighed the options and decided the risks were too great to keep the crown.”

  “My father loved Scotland above all else, and sacrificed everything to protect his people from the English. I can na believe he would have given the crown to Father Kincaid with instructions to give it to Kate to return it to her father.”

  “Nay. I do na think Father Kincaid was to give the crown to your Kate. I think he was to give the crown to her sister, Lady MacIntyre. Your Kate took the crown in her place and Father Kincaid did na know the difference.”

  Duncan rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes and shook his head. Could he dare believe his father would have made the decision to give the crown back, knowing that loyal Scots had died to take it?

  “Kate thinks my father was na protecting the crown from England, but from Bolton. She thinks he believed it would be safer in England’s hands than in Bolton’s.”

  Angus handed Duncan a large woolen cloth with which to dry, then held his clothes for him. “We’ll never know. I think you’ll have to decide on your own what’s more important to you. I pray you make the right decision.”

  Duncan slipped his shirt over his head and breathed a painful sigh. “Dear God, Angus. I wish I’d been here to help Father. I wish I had na been so far away that I could na keep him safe.”

  “We all wish that, lad. I most of all. I had been at your father’s side since I was na more than your age, and never had I allowed anything to happen to him. It was his decision that I go with you when you went to fight the English because he could na abide the thought of anything happening to you. If I had been here…”

  “If you had been here, friend, you would be lying in the ground near your laird. I am glad you were with me.”

  Duncan stumbled over the emotion in his voice and finished dressing, then walked back across the courtyard.

  “Have you noticed the lass Regan standing by the stable?” Angus asked as they neared the kitchens. “She’s been waiting in the same spot all morning and her eyes have na strayed far from where you are. From the way she’s biting at the nails on her fingers I would guess there’s something important on her mind. She’s been waiting for the right time to speak with you.”

  A frown covered Duncan’s face as he watched Regan pace back and forth then stop to chew her nails and begin her pacing again. Such obvious agitation was uncharacteristic for Regan.

  Duncan placed the knife he wore at his side back into its sheath and walked to where she stood. Since the day he’d removed her from the keep, Regan had gone away to lick her wounds like a dangerous animal. Something important had brought her back into the open. He knew from past experience it would be best if he didn’t wait much longer to discover what it was.

  “Are you waiting to speak to me, Regan?”

  The look in her eyes when she turned to face him was different than the confident stare he was used to seeing. A slight frown covered her forehead and her pursed lips bespoke a hesitancy that was uncommon in her.

  “Aye. I need to speak with you.”

  Regan kicked her foot into the dirt and moved the dust that swirled around her slipper. She took a step toward the keep and Duncan walked with her. “Do you remember when we were young, Duncan? You used to race through the glade with Malcolm and Gregor and Balfour beside you, pretending you were the Scots and Brenna and Elissa and I were the English. You would take our strongholds and slay us with your long wooden swords, and announce that you had taken all our land and our riches for Scotland.”

  A warm smile curved his lips upward as he remembered how carefree life was when they were young. “I remember that Elissa was the only good Englishman of the three of you. She was the only one who knew how to die like a proper warrior so we noble Scots could do justice to our exuberant celebration after we’d stormed your castles and slain you.”

  “I know. You were so ferocious and brave. I knew then that I loved you and wanted to marry you.”

  Duncan stopped in the middle of the courtyard and turned Regan to face him. “Regan, cease.” His voice was a soft whisper. “Do na talk about this again. I am na free and well you know it.”

  Regan brought her middle finger to her mouth and bit down on her nail. Her fingers trembled and Duncan felt the first slight twinge of unease. “You have na chewed your nails since we were small and our fathers caught us stealing meat pies from the kitchen. Your father said he could always tell when your conscience bothered you because you bit at your nails.”

  Regan laughed and took her finger out of her mouth and clenched her fists at her side. “Mayhaps I do have a conscience after all, and it has come out again to torment me.”

  Duncan’s heart beat a little faster and he readied himself for the unknown. “What have you done, Regan?”

  “I have been thinking of your wife.” Regan fisted her hands in the folds of her skirt and twisted the material.

  “What about my wife?”

  “Do you remember the night she did na return after she’d gone to the chapel? You found her locked in the small room behind the altar in the dark.”

  Duncan remembered how terrified Kate had been and how she had clung to him when he’d carried her out.

  “Your words and the look in your eyes told me you thought I had closed her in that room, but it was na me, Duncan. It was Morgana.”

  “I owe you an apology. I did think it was you.”

  “You do na owe me anything. Even though I did na lock your English wife in the dark, I watched while Morgana hit her on the head and dragged her body behind the altar and into the small room.”

  “And you left her there?”

  “Aye. I left her there. I knew Morgana had na hit her hard enough to kill her, and that you would find her when you went to the chapel for your midnight prayers. I did na see anything wrong in letting her sit in the dark for a while. Until I saw the fear in her eyes when you found her.”

  Duncan looked into Regan’s eyes and he could see the regret harbored there. “I did na know your English wife was so afraid of small places. I did na know or I would have let her out. It’s important that you believe that I would have.”

  Duncan nodded. “I did na think so at the time, Regan, but perhaps you would have.” He looked at the worry lines still
on Regan’s face and knew this was not all she needed to tell him. “Is there more?”

  “I need to ask you a question and I need your answer to be the truth.”

  “It will be. I have never lied to you, have I?”

  “Nay. You have never lied to me, even when I prayed you would. Even when I prayed you would say you loved me, knowing the words would not have been the truth.”

  Duncan clasped his hands behind his back and stood tall. “I could na say them.”

  “Did you freely take the English as your bride?”

  “Aye. I took her freely.”

  “Why? Because she possessed the crown and was betrothed to Bolton?”

  “Nay, Regan. I took her even though she was betrothed to Bolton. I wanted her for my bride even though she was English.”

  The color drained from Regan’s face and Duncan felt another pang of concern rush to every part of his body. “Is this what you wanted to know?”

  “Nay, Duncan.” Regan stepped close to him and looked into his eyes. “Do na lie to me now, laird. If your wife were to leave you, how long would it take for you to forget her?”

  Duncan’s breath caught in his throat. Kate leave him? He could not imagine losing her. She was too important to him.

  “How long, Duncan?”

  Duncan took a deep breath. “A thousand lifetimes and more. I could never forget my English wife. I have made a place for her here.” Duncan held his hand to the spot where his heart pounded even louder than before.

  The color drained from Regan’s cheeks and the tiny flicker of hope in her eyes faded. “She’s my wife, Regan. I will never want another.”

  “She does na think you care for her. She’s certain if she leaves, it will na take you long to take someone else to your bed.”

  “How do you know this?”

  “She told me. She told me all this when she asked for my help so she could leave you.”

  “Leave me?”

  Regan nodded. “She’s gone someplace where you can never find her.”

  The air left Duncan’s chest. “Where has she gone?”

  “I do na know.”