Never Say Pie

by Carol Culver

  I gave up trying to be invisible. Instead I marched up the walk to Marty and Nina’s house and knocked on the front door, holding my pie in the other hand. I had an excuse for being there.

  Nothing. Not a sound. I rang the bell. I waited. Then I walked around the back of the house. The lawn was beautiful and the hibiscus along the fence were in full bloom. They obviously had a gardener. If I were married to a vet I’d have one too. I’d have a shed in back for garden tools and seedlings like they did. I sighed. Some day.

  I crossed a brick patio lined with flower boxes and went to the back entrance. I knocked, then waited and finally I tried the door. It wasn’t locked. That’s the kind of town this was. People didn’t lock their doors. Except me. I was supposed to padlock mine. I hadn’t done it. If someone broke in again tonight I had only myself to blame. I wouldn’t even call Sam. I’d just button my lip and accept my punishment.

  I walked into a gourmet kitchen and called “Hello.” My voice echoed in the empty house. I always wondered if people who had copper pots hanging over the granite-topped kitchen island and every appliance known to man ever used them. This kitchen was spotless. I was surprised there was not a drop of sticky caramel candy substance. I looked in the pantry. No big bags of sugar either. I tried to picture Nina hovering over this spotless stove stirring the gooey melted butter and sugar with one hand, the other hand holding her candy thermometer. I opened all the drawers. No thermometer. No hot pads. No apron. Maybe she rented a commercial kitchen to make her candy and avoided penalties from the county officials like the rest of us got.

  I set my pie down on the stone countertop and walked into the living room. I admit I was curious to see if everything was as first class as the kitchen. It was. From the pine-plank flooring to the antique French fireplace. The furniture was what I call Swedish modern. All white and spare, but very elegant. That’s what you can have when you don’t have children. French doors led to a garden with carefully trimmed shrubs and vine-covered trellises. I perched on a Louis Something chair and gazed at the charming garden. You’d think French furniture wouldn’t fit into this house, but it looked perfect. I was jealous, I admit it. How did an ordinary girl and a nerdy guy end up with the lifestyle I wanted?

  Then I told myself to leave and come back another time when Nina was home. I needed answers to some questions. More than that, Nina needed help before she did something worse than socking her husband in the eye.

  I stood and turned to go just as I heard footsteps on the front porch. That’s what I got for day-dreaming. I ran out of the room as I heard the key turn in the lock. I wanted to shout, “The back door’s open,” but I didn’t. I zipped through the kitchen and out the back door as I heard them talking loudly. They were on my trail.

  “Someone’s here,” Nina said. “I can tell.”

  “You’re crazy,” Marty answered.

  “I’m serious,” she said. “Look, a pie.”

  Damn, I’d left the pie there in the kitchen. Instead of running out and around the house and back to the street, I raced to the corrugated metal garden shed and closed the door firmly behind me. Now they were outside the house. They were looking for me.

  “That was her car on the street,” Marty said.

  Now how did he know that?

  “Go out in front and see if she tries to escape,” he ordered.

  Escape? I didn’t have to escape. Sure I’d entered their house uninvited, but I didn’t break in. I walked in. I just hoped they’d go looking for me, then I’d slip out the back way and sneak away. I was breathing so hard I was afraid they’d hear me. I covered my mouth with my hand. Why didn’t Marty go inside the house and look for me there, check the upstairs and the closets. Then I could get out of the shed and go home. I should never have hidden here, it just made me look guilty which I wasn’t. One of them was guilty.

  I stood there for a long time waiting for a sign they were both gone. I sat down on a low rough bench and looked around. A shaft of sunlight came through a small window. On the back shelf there were several large white candy boxes stacked on top of each other. I stood on the bench and reached for a box. It came from an out-of-state Confiserie and the label said, “Sadie’s Chocolate Covered Salt Caramels. Ethantown, Vermont” I sat down again with a thud. Nina bought her caramels? That was a shock. She had nothing to do all day, and yet she bought the candy she sold instead of slaving over a hot stove. No wonder it was so good. Even Heath thought so. Was that what she was hiding? If I had to, I would assure her that her secret was safe with me as long as she let me out of the shed. Although I wondered who else knew.

  I held the empty box on my lap and looked around. There were garden tools on shelves. A rake and shovels in the corner. Hanging on the wall was an axe and the saw-tooth spatula all the vendors were using. I reached for it. The blade was so sharp I cut my finger again this time. Would I ever learn? Was this the one that killed Heath? If so which one of them did it and why? Suddenly the small shed went dark as if someone had turned out the light. Instead, someone had blocked the small window with a board. I heard banging as if someone was hammering it shut. I jumped up, went to the door and tried to push it open. It didn’t budge.

  “Help,” I yelled. “Let me out.” I didn’t care if they heard me. I was willing to confess I’d trespassed on their property. They’d seen my car. They’d seen the pie. They knew I’d been there. I had nothing more to hide.

  From outside the shed I heard a maniacal laughter. It sounded like one of Martha’s chickens cackling. “See anything you like?” Marty said. “Take your time. Look around. You’ve got all day. Lots of days before anyone comes looking for you.”

  “That’s not true,” I muttered. “Someone knows where I am.” But how did they know where I was? I pressed my hand over my mouth. Don’t tell him someone knew where I was, I told myself. He’d just take me somewhere else. It’s better he thinks he’s got me cornered. But no one did know I was there. How long before they figured it out? I was getting that closed-in, claustrophobic feeling that I knew so well. I was gasping for breath even though I’d only been in there for minutes. I had to get out of there

  “Please let me out,” I said sounding pathetic. “I didn’t do anything. I don’t know anything.”

  “Yeah, right. You didn’t listen to the phone messages, did you?”

  “That’s right,” I said, suddenly relieved. “I wasn’t allowed to.”

  “Then where’s the phone?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I know,” Nina said. “Sam has it, doesn’t he? And when he hears the messages he’ll come looking for me.”

  “Not you. You didn’t do anything.” Or did she?

  “All I did was sell somebody else’s caramels and say I made them. Everyone does it. And they’re making a big freaking deal out of it.”

  “You’re wrong, Nina. Nobody is,” I assured her.

  “Nina, shut up,” Marty said.

  “No, you shut up. This was your idea. Now look what you’ve done.”

  “I didn’t have an affair with the asshole, you did,” Marty said.

  I almost fell over. What was going on here? I didn’t want to hear this bickering. How had we switched from illegal caramels to infidelity to murder? If one of them killed him, which one was it?

  “Who’s the asshole?” I shouted. Now this was getting ridiculous. Why couldn’t they let me out so we could have this conversation without screaming?

  “Good question,” Marty said. “They’re all assholes, every guy she ever slept with.”

  “That includes you,” Nina said.

  “Look, I don’t know who or what you’re talking about. Just let me out and I won’t say a word. I can’t because I don’t know anything.”

  “Don’t know anything? You told your cop boyfriend about the cell phone. He knows I called that phony food critic and what I said.”

  “No, he doesn’t,” I insisted, my forehead pressed against the blocked door. What did you say? I wanted to as
k. “If he knew it was you or Nina he would have arrested you. He’d be here now, but he isn’t. He doesn’t know anything either. If you let me go I swear I won’t tell him. I have nothing to tell him.”

  “Yeah, I know you won’t, because you’re not getting out of there. Except on a stretcher.”

  I swallowed hard. I didn’t like the sound of that. I took a deep breath. The time for reasoning with them was over. I picked up the hammer and pounded on the metal door. I made a small dent but I’d never pound my way out that way.

  “Let’s get out of here,” Nina said.

  “Thank you,” I yelled. Then I realized she’d said, Let’s get out of here, instead of Let’s get her out of there. “Wait, I can help you.”

  “Help me how?” she said. Her voice was loud and strong. Maybe she didn’t need my help after all. She’d hit Marty. She could testify against Marty and then get a divorce. What else could I offer her?

  “I’ll swear it wasn’t your fault,” I yelled. “I’ll swear that you made the caramels in your kitchen so you can keep selling at the market. I’ll say I saw the pots and pans and your recipe and the traces of sugar and butter and sea salt. I’ll swear you couldn’t help it if your husband killed Heath.” Here I was taking a chance. I wasn’t sure which one of them killed him. Or why.

  “Instead of letting you die the easy way, I’m coming in there and use the knife on your throat too,” Marty said.

  “So you killed Heath,” I gasped. I felt like I’d had a shot of adrenaline along with a jolt of pride. I’d figured it out and I’d gotten a confession out of him. Sort of a confession. Wait until Sam heard this. But would he hear? Would it hold up? “But why?” I blurted before I realized I didn’t want to know. Yes, it was my chance to unravel this whole mess. If they’d tell me. But after I found out what would happen to me? Would they really use the same weapon on me they’d used on him?

  “He was harassing my wife,” he said.

  “He was not,” Nina said. “I don’t need you to defend me.”

  “I won’t tell anyone, I promise,” I said. “Whoever did it.”

  “We know you won’t because you won’t be talking much longer,” Marty said his voice right outside the shed.

  What did that mean?

  I pressed my ear to the door. Then I heard a car. It was nearby. Who was it? Where were they going? If it was Marty and Nina, it didn’t matter as long as they left. I’d hack my way out or someone would come and get me. They were outside talking, but I couldn’t make out the words. It was dark in there with the window boarded up, but I heard a noise from under the plywood floor. Maybe it was rats. I wouldn’t mind, considering the alternative. I got down on my knees and felt around. Nothing. Except I smelled exhaust fumes. Gas. From the car I heard. I stood up so fast I bumped into a shelf and almost fell over. They’d found a way to gas me. Somewhere on the floor they’d inserted a hose with carbon monoxide and it was filling the shed.

  I groped around, feeling my way along the wall until I ran into a long-handled axe with my fingers. It was so heavy I could barely hold it let along swing it at the door. At my first try I dropped it on my foot. I yelped in pain. I tried again, then I missed the door. I grunted with the effort of just holding the heavy axe. This time I actually hit the door. It made a dent. At this rate I’d die before I made a hole in the door.

  When I stopped to try to catch a breath I heard voices. A new voice. Someone had come to rescue me. I tried to shout, but my voice came out as a whisper.

  “Sign here,” the new voice said. “What’s that noise?”

  “It’s nothing. Thanks.”

  “What’s the hose for?”

  “We’ve got rats,” Marty said. “We’re fumigating.”

  “Those are some rats.”

  “No,” I wheezed. “It’s me. Help.”

  I picked up the axe again. I was dizzy. Weak. Sick. Everything went black. I fell forward. Someone pushed me just like the night I fell in the pool. The same invisible person. I couldn’t breathe. I was drowning all over again.

  The next thing I heard was loud pounding and a huge crash. I was lying on the floor of the shed but there was light shining on me. It was so bright it hurt my eyes. My head was pounding. I squinted. A big blurry form filled the room.

  “There she is,” Sam shouted. “Get her some air.”

  I wanted to tell Sam what I’d heard, but it was all mixed up. He put a mask over my face and I couldn’t talk anyway. I felt light-headed and giddy. He picked me up just like he’d done that night at my house and carried me out to the ambulance. By the time we got to the hospital in nearby Hollybrook, my brain was working better. I wanted to rip off that mask and tell Sam not to let Nina and Marty get away. But they wouldn’t let me talk. Instead I got rolled into the ER by some med techs and they did a bunch of tests on me.

  It seemed like hours later before I was in a bed in a room with some tubes attached to my arm. I picked up the phone on the bedside table and tried to call someone. Anyone. Sam walked in.

  “About time somebody came to see me,” I fumed. “How long have I been here?” I asked.

  “A couple of hours.” He sat on the edge of my bed. He loomed large and he looked tired. “How do you feel?”

  “Pretty weak. And my head hurts.”

  He put his hand on my head. “That’s normal.”

  “Not for me.”

  “For someone who’s been gassed.”

  “Where are they?” I asked.

  “Marty and Nina? They’re in custody.”

  “How did you know Marty killed Heath?”

  “I got the report back from the lab. They cleaned up the tape from Heath’s phone messages so I heard Marty threaten Heath.”

  “So you guessed I’d be at their house.”

  “The delivery man called to say something was funny at their house. A hose from the exhaust on their car was attached to the shed. Then I saw your car on their street. I was … concerned.”

  Trust Sam not to be worried. Not on my account. Concerned, yes. Worried, no.

  “Did Nina or Marty confess?”

  “They each confessed the other one killed Heath,” Sam said. “And they each said it was not their intention to kill you too.”

  “Oh, they just wanted to scare me?” I asked.

  “Little did they know you don’t scare easily,” he said. “Or else you wouldn’t have gone there today, would you?” He frowned at me. He wasn’t happy I’d gone to their house, did he know I was guilty of breaking and entering too?

  “I admit, I was scared. But how else was I supposed to find out anything?” I said. “You wouldn’t do it because you had to have a search warrant. I didn’t have to have one. As long as I didn’t get caught.”

  “But you did.”

  “Am I in trouble?” I asked.

  “Big trouble.” He leaned forward. He was so close I could see that he hadn’t shaved. Too busy saving lives, like mine. “What were you looking for?” he asked.

  “I can’t remember,” I said, rubbing my head. “I’ve been gassed, you know. But I do know what I didn’t find. No evidence of anyone making home-made candy in their kitchen. But wait, there’s more.” If I could only remember what it was. “Now I know. I went there to help Nina. I was reading Grannie’s advice column letters. Don’t tell her I told you.”

  He nodded. “Go on.”

  “In the bag was an anonymous letter from someone who’d hit her husband. I assumed it was Nina. I thought she needed help, like, you know, anger management classes or something.”

  “So you came to help her,” he said dubiously. “Give her some advice, which she couldn’t get from the real advice lady.”

  “More or less,” I said modestly. “Then I found out that One, Nina had been cheating by buying her caramels when the rules of the Food Fair say you have to make or grow the products yourself. And Two, that she was shacking up with Heath to get him to overlook that fact and give her a good review which led to Three, her husband, Ma
rty, finding out and murdering Heath.” I closed my eyes for a minute. Then I asked, “Is that enough to convict him?”

  “Along with the phone messages and a confession.”

  “Then it was Marty who ransacked my apartment.”

  “He figured out who found the phone and he wanted it.”

  By the time we’d finished this wrap-up I was exhausted. I closed my eyes. I reached for Sam’s hand and I squeezed it. I wanted to sleep but there was something I had to say, something I wanted to tell him. “By the way, you may have been right. I might have fallen into the pool that night. Not sure …”

  “Get some rest,” he said. “I’m putting my deputy outside the door here to keep everyone out. No visitors. Oh, and I have something for you.” He reached into his pocket, pulled out a gold star and handed it to me.

  “What’s this?”

  “I’m deputizing you.”

  Tears filled my eyes. “I’m a deputy,” I murmured.

  He nodded.

  I closed my eyes clutching the gold star.

  When I woke up Grannie was sitting next to my bed. She was wearing a tailored silk blouse and a pair of trim slacks with low-heeled shoes and she was holding a pie in one hand.

  “How are you?” she asked putting her other hand on my forehead to check my temperature.

  “Better. How did you get in?

  “Next of kin has visiting privileges.”

  “You look spiffy.”

  “You like the outfit?”

  “Perfect for hospital visiting,” I said.

  “Sam told me where he found you. I thought I told you not to go into someone’s house if they’re not at home.”

  “You did tell me. Of course you did. But how do you get a good look at somebody’s kitchen unless they’re not at home? I had to find out if Nina really made those delicious caramels.”

  “Couldn’t you have asked Sam to check for you?”

  “How would he know if someone had been making caramels in their kitchen? Besides, he’s a stickler for the rules.”