by Rae Earl
12.11 p.m.
Also, my stepdad puts Reggae Reggae Sauce on everything – including toast – so what does he know?!
I have decided I am going to keep on writing this probably for the rest of my life. It’s good practice for when I have my own column in Vogue and it’s nice to have something to BLAB to about the things that REALLY matter.
8.46 p.m.
Went round Gran’s. She’s not heard from her dentist but she says he has a holiday cottage in the Peak District and he can’t get reception there. She said she hoped her text had got stuck in the satellite for ever.
How does my gran know where her dentist goes at weekends?
9.47 p.m.
OMG – is my gran snogging her dentist?! Her dentures wobble when she talks (probably because she put them out of shape when she wrote her address on them!). They couldn’t handle a full-on tongue!
9.56 p.m.
Just googled snogging with dentures – you can get special glue that keeps them in.
Why did I look that up?! I need to concentrate on MY love life not my gran’s. At least I have some things going for me. I have my own teeth for a start.
MONDAY 5TH JANUARY
6.10 p.m.
Getting uniform ready to go back to school. I am the only 13-year-old in the history of time not to have any matching underwear at all. Some of my pants actually have days of the week written on them.
6.39 p.m.
Mum says my bras and knickers are fine and functional. Of course she does.
She thinks I am still 4 and never listens to a word I say. EVERYONE in this house thinks I am 4.
8.28 p.m.
Gran rang – her dentist loved the joke and to date has sent 6 more back. She also managed to get in next week with him as an “emergency”. She says it pays to stick out from the crowd. I said, “Gran: a) I don’t need to know about your teeth situation, and b) rude jokes on text are just always crap.” Gran then accused me of being a prude. I’m not a prude. I have flirted in ways so subtle that she would never even know! Like with Ant Spicer. 6 months we waited at the same bus stop and not once did he realize I was giving him my psychic-connection-love-eye-stare that Weirdo Jen taught me.
8.32 p.m.
Actually that may be the problem. Am I too subtle? Do I need to hit boys with a MASSIVE love ATTACK?
TUESDAY 6TH JANUARY
5.48 p.m.
COOLEST first day back at school today EVER-EVER-EVER. First Dr Richards demonstrated the difference between a noun and a verb by the use of SNOG! SNOG is a noun. TO SNOG makes it a doing word – it’s a verb. It’s the first time I’ve actually understood it. Then Dibbo Hannah accidentally called Dr Richards “DAD”. DURGGHHH times 2 million!
Goose next door grabbed me on the way to school and walked with me. He actually invited me to a car boot sale. I said, “Goose, why would I want to get up at stupid o’clock on a Sunday to go and look at my gran’s ornaments in the pouring rain?” Goose reckons that you can make a fortune buying tat and then selling it on eBay. One woman he’d heard about bought a plant, and the bowl it was in was worth £30,000.
I don’t know why Goose doesn’t get the message that I’m older now and our interests are different. I am too mature to be playing Sesame Street in his garden. Yes, he did let me always be Cookie Monster, but so? Don’t get me wrong – I love Goose – but only in a chronic way.
7.50 p.m.
Sorry that should have read “platonic way”. That means when you love someone but you don’t actually want to snog them.
8.12 p.m.
According to loads of people on the advice thread on Digital Spy, platonic relationships do not actually exist and if a man likes you then he fancies you – unless he is gay!
8.34 p.m.
Just texted Goose. He is not gay. So that proves MoleinaHole and BunkBed do not have a clue what they are actually talking about and should be banned from the Internet for ever.
WEDNESDAY 7TH JANUARY
1.15 p.m.
In Geography this morning, me and Dimple made the best code ever to rate how gorgeous a boy is:
“He studies at the University of (Sick Noise)” – means we would actually be ill if we had to kiss him.
“He was born in Muntershire” – he is very ugly.
“He is Toky-OK” – he is just all right.
“He holidays in Torreme-CUTE-tos” – he is cute (that one may be a bit obvious).
“He’s from the Hotswolds” – we may die if we NEVER get to snog him.
We also talked about the Dr Phil book. We agree with him when he says you have to love yourself before you can date. Dimple thinks she might love herself a bit but I don’t think I love myself at all. We were going to go through the reasons for me not loving myself but Mrs Cripps went mad that we weren’t concentrating on her stupid coastal erosion diagram. EXCUSE ME, MRS CRIPPS? WHAT’S MORE IMPORTANT? MY SELF-ESTEEM, OR YOUR PICTURE OF A CLIFF DISAPPEARING?!
9.36 p.m.
Weirdo Jen just texted me the best joke ever.
How many men does it take to change the toilet roll? No one knows – it’s never happened!
LOL!
10.03 p.m.
Weirdo Jen just texted to say she got that text from Gran. What else is she sending out and to who? I must tell Mum. She needs to be stopped.
THURSDAY 8TH JANUARY
8.02 p.m.
Today will go down in history. SERIOUSLY.
This is one of the most important days EVER. Today, 3 girls sick of life being so unfair, decided to make things better for all WOMEN. Because today was the day we HAD ENOUGH.
It all started when Dimple wanted a Kit Kat on the way home. Because of the STUPID, STUPID SIGN that Mr Patel has on his door that says:
NO MORE THAN 4 UNACCOMPANIED SCHOOLCHILDREN IN THE SHOP AT THE SAME TIME.
we ALL had to wait out in the pouring rain because 4 boys from St Gilbert’s were in there already, perving over Nuts magazine. We got soaked through, we were freezing cold, and WHY? Because we are young. AND HOW CAN WE HELP THAT?!
There are just so many things that just SUCK. Not being allowed in shops. Being banned from wearing mascara, lipstick AND eyeshadow in school because “school isn’t about looking good” (?). And Dimple said, “Why do we just sit down and take it?” And I said, “That’s such a good point, Dimps – we are empowered women of the 21st century – we CAN make a change.” Then Weirdo Jen said her mum had actually been in a society at university called “Women RULE”, where they all decided they didn’t have to wear bras, and that “group action” was the only way to get things done.
Anyway, we went to Bertie’s Coffee Shop and worked it all out. We are the “NOT FAIR PROTEST GROUP”. We are the trio of justice. WE ask the questions. We are going to write down what isn’t fair in our lives and then we are going to SORT IT OUT. We pledge to do this without slagging people off OR doing down our fellow women. From now on I, Hattie Moore, will record how just 3 normal girls made all the difference. We will do it together and we will do it in fine GORGEOUS style. First meeting is going to happen next Thursday. CANNOT WAIT.
And THEN just to prove that some days turn out to be packed AND stuffed FULL OF YUM after days of TOTAL dullster, I can now officially confirm to you – please tell Heat magazine IMMEDIATELY – that I am IN LOVE! TOTAL MASSIVE HUGE AWESOME LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!
It’s been going on for a while, and I think that, like Dr Phil says, I have been in denial. But today I just couldn’t fight it ANY LONGER. I LOVE THE BOY THAT WORKS AT BERTIE’S. HE FROTHS THE LATTES AND HE MAKES ME HOT, BABY! He is McFittie from Fitshire in the Hotswolds. HE is the chocolate sprinkle on my cappuccino. He is the CROWN KING OF FIT BUMS. I must snog him or die.
There is a MASSIVE problem though. Every time I see him I am in uniform. It’s impossible to look good in brown. No wonder other schools call us the “Walking Turds”. But I can’t let the fact that I look like a giant poo stop me from FULL-ON LOVE.
9.55 p.m.
11.12 p.m.
Actually, are we a bit geeky forming a protest group?
11.35 p.m.
No – it’s the sort of thing celebrities do all the time and EVERYONE in the world EVER fancies them.
FRIDAY 9TH JANUARY
4.34 p.m.
Got home tonight to talk to Mum about Gran, and the conversation went like this…
Me: Mum, can we have a talk?
Mum: Hats, I haven’t got time for this right now.
Me: But, Mum, we need to talk!
Mum: Why?
Me: Because Gran is sending out porn!
Which isn’t what I wanted to say at all but she just makes me SO mad … and what’s the point anyway? She never listens. Mum just said that Gran would never do that as she is so LAST CENTURY. (Gran’s still furious with Mum for getting pregnant when she wasn’t married.)
Sometimes I think Mum doesn’t realize what a true mental Gran is.
SATURDAY 10TH JANUARY
6.07 p.m.
I’m sorry but I have totally given up on Dr Phil. I think it’s actually written for people who are a bit older than me, as it asks what you have learned from previous relationships. I have had no previous relationships. I actually may be the most tragic person on the planet except for….
OMG, I can’t actually think of anyone more tragic.
7.15 p.m.
Yes, I can – Danielle Lance at school. She went with her ACTUAL MUM to see The Sound of Music AND she wears socks with mini zebras on them.
I am officially still tragic though. I have never snogged a man or felt man-bum.
SUNDAY 11TH JANUARY
7.02 a.m.
Just got woken up by my stepdad. He’s up at a stupid time to take Goose next door to a car boot sale. He says the first one after Christmas is full of gifts everyone’s trying to get rid of and did I want to come? No – not unless someone got a brand-new pair of big breasts for Christmas that they don’t want.
11.01 a.m.
Actually, I think Dr Phil may have made me feel slightly depressed. I am probably the only nearly-14-year-old in the history of the world that hasn’t had a relationship. Miss Gorgeous Knickers at school had her first boyfriend at 9! And she regularly has to wear polo necks to cover her love bites. I can wear low-cut tops as I have no bites and, in fact, no breasts.
2.34 p.m.
Stepdad just came home with a lampshade in the shape of an elephant.
I was so right not to go.
11.09 p.m.
Just done my weekly tit test in front of the mirror. When I jump up and down they STILL don’t move.
Goodnight, breasts. Please grow a bit overnight so I can bounce to school.
MONDAY 12TH JANUARY
7.23 a.m.
Good morning, breasts. You are still tiny and I hate you.
5.29 p.m.
NON-TRAGIC MARVELLOUSNESS! Netboreball was cancelled because it was raining! Me, Dimple and Weirdo Jen spent indoor Core PE talking about what we want from LOVE. Dimple says she wants a good friend who’s romantic. We thought Dimple got her husband chosen for her, but apparently her parents will only “suggest” people if she reaches 30 and still isn’t married. Weirdo Jen wants something intense and “consuming”. Between you and me, I think she’s waiting for a vampire! LOL! I’ll just settle for a rich guy who owns a farm but doesn’t mind me travelling to London every week for a job in fashion. He can look after the animals on his own – it won’t be a big place. In fact, just some chickens will do. I think that’s all Stella McCartney has. And her dad is loaded.
7.35 p.m.
Keep thinking about my wedding now. Who will walk me up the aisle? Rob will want to but what if Mr REAL Biological Dad turns up?!
8.43 p.m.
By the way, Weirdo Jen likes being called Weirdo Jen. I’m not being a cow or anything. She says it adds to her “mystical aura of otherworldness”!
TUESDAY 13TH JANUARY
7.45 p.m.
After school just the best thing ever – McFittie from Fitshire in the Hotswolds was serving in Bertie’s. AND LISTEN TO THIS – HE DID NOT ASK DIMPLE IF SHE WANTED A BISCOTTI BUT HE ASKED ME!!!
Even Dimple had to agree that it was special treatment, because we watched all the people that went after us and he didn’t ask them if they wanted biscotti either. IT’S THE BISCUIT OF LOVE! THEN he seemed to come over and wipe our table first. Perhaps I am reading too much into it, but there seemed to be definite interest!
OMG – I think my tragic life may actually be about to end.
8.59 p.m.
I just want to say I love Dimple. We have so much in common – like the fact we are both named after film stars. Only she’s named after a gorgeous Bollywood actress. I’m apparently named after a fat woman that used to play nurses. Still it’s all TOTAL glamour.
Actually my auntie is a nurse and one time she had to shave an old tramp’s arse, so scrap the glamour thing. I’ll just tell future men in my life I’m named after … hats or something. The point is, I WILL make McFittie mine.
WEDNESDAY 14TH JANUARY
9.57 p.m.
Dimple and me have just spent 2 hours on the phone going over fully what happened yesterday. She says that McFittie MUST like me. Thinking back, I’ve got a feeling she might be right. I just can’t quite believe that someone that gorgeous actually likes me!
Come on, Hattie – you are not completely Ugly City. Gran says I am even classic supermodel material in my uber skinnyness. It’s just I also have this voice telling me I am a hideous munter monster.
I think this voice might sound like Miss Gorgeous Knickers.
10.15 p.m.
I know why I have low self-confidence. It’s a totally well-known actual fact (google it!) that girls who do not know their fathers think they are ugly and pick rubbish men. I may pick a craptacular boy and it won’t even be my fault! It will TOTALLY be my mum’s.
10.32 p.m.
Just been on drphil.com and he says one of the worst things you can do when you split up with your partner is “sabotage your child’s relationship with the other parent”. MUM – ARE YOU LISTENING?!
10.54 p.m.
I need to start looking for my REAL dad. The fish thing HAS to have been forgotten by now. Actual people murderers eventually get forgiven!
I need help though – I don’t really know where to start.
11.36 p.m.
Just remembered that Citizens’ Advice place that Gran went to when one of her neighbours started keeping a goat on his balcony. I’ll try them tomorrow. They must have people in all the time who have mislaid a parent.
THURSDAY 15TH JANUARY
4.03 p.m.
We had our first official meeting of the Not Fair Protest Group at lunch today. The injustices were as follows:
Mum HAS to realize just how UNFAIR she was the other night when she told me off because of Gran. She HAS to start actually listening to what I say. She also has to STOP giving the excuse that she hasn’t got time to listen because she has 70 ham and salad rolls to make up for the shop tomorrow and she has to nip to the cash and carry to get 3 boxes of Doritos.
Mr Patel has to STOP discriminating against people under 18 and allow unlimited young people in his shop at any time.
It’s a complete injustice that ALL cosmetics are banned at school. Limited make-up SHOULD be allowed if it’s an expression of someone’s religious faith or because of the music they like. Jen says she is emo Goth and that is technically a belief, so she should be able to express it.
Many people are having their days (and nights!)unfairly RUINED by old people who can’t use their mobiles properly. ALL over-40s to be given compulsory mobile phone lessons. In fact, there should be a mobile phone licence for the over-40s with an exam they have to pass.
I am tackling my mum
, Jen is making an appointment to see the head Mrs Cob, and Dimple is talking to Mr Patel. That’s not racist – it’s not because she is Indian or anything. It’s because her PMT makes her into a chocolate mental and she is Mr Patel’s best customer.
I wanted to add it’s not fair that McFittie and me aren’t snogging yet, but it seemed a bit selfish. The Not Fair Protest Group should be about helping our fellow women and solving injustice – not about me getting full-on love action. It’s just McFittie is SO LUSH – black hair, green eyes and big chunky-monkey, hairy, FIT, BUFF arms. Dimple reckons he looks like an orang-utan, but I’m just relieved we don’t fancy the same people. Dimple is UBER gorgeous. In fact I’m a bit annoyed her parents aren’t arranging her marriage because it means she’s shopping in the snog supermarket at the same time as me. “Love IS a battlefield” – so one of my mum’s CDs says.
