by Rae Earl
4.50 p.m.
Feel bad about the last bit. Dimple is my best friend. It’s good she doesn’t have to marry an ugly.
5.09 p.m.
The Citizens’ Advice Bureau can’t give me an appointment for 4 WEEKS!
4 WEEKS!!!
The woman there was really nice but she said it was due to “unprecedented demand” and the fact that “everyone is going bankrupt or getting divorced”.
WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH EVERYONE?!
I’m seeing the CAB on 13th February. On the last day that I am 13. All those 13s. It must mean something.
6.13 p.m
Jen says that 13 can actually be lucky for some people. She wasn’t sure who though.
She also says that if you go bankrupt you don’t have to pay ANY of your credit cards back and can basically shop like Paris Hilton. It all makes more sense now.
6.43 p.m.
Dimple says if you go bankrupt you can’t buy a house though. Who cares if you’ve got a decent Gucci bag!
FRIDAY 16TH JANUARY
8.35 p.m.
Like an idiot I blabbed to Gran about the Not Fair Protest Group. This was a big mistake as she thinks it’s a great idea and is going to draw up a list of unfair things that affect her. What does she expect me to do about them?!
I told Gran about talking to Mum, AND she says what she ALWAYS says: “Hattie, be gentle with your mum – she’s had it hard. When your dad left you were only a baby. She had to start all again.” I said, “I KNOW that, but that was nearly 14 years ago, Gran, and I’ve got over it so why shouldn’t she?” Then Gran said, “But have you really got over it, Hattie?” with one of her laser looks.
So I went for it. I said, “Gran, OF COURSE I HAVEN’T. I wonder where he is and why he hasn’t sent me a birthday card. It’s SO hard. Dimple’s dad adores her and even Weirdo Jen and her Weirdo dad bond over her frill-necked lizard. But I HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE OVER IT mostly because no one wants to listen. I want to know who he is and where he is!”
Gran looked at me for about 10 minutes and said, “Hattie, I know it’s hard, duck (as soon as Gran uses DUCK you know it’s bad). But sometimes you just have to accept that other people know best and they are protecting you FOR A REASON. Now subject closed – can you help me with my puzzle?”
THEN she had an angina attack and had to have a spray of her mad medicine.
I WILL GET TO THE TRUTH. I WON’T BE STOPPED BY SUDOKU.
I couldn’t ask Gran any more then though. She was gasping for breath! It would have been evil to carry on.
10.23 p.m.
OMG – do you think my gran might have been pretending to have an angina attack just to shut me up?! No, Hattie – that IS you being a cow.
SATURDAY 17TH JANUARY
6.09 p.m.
Tried to speak to Mum today – but she didn’t have time. When I said, “You NEVER have time for me – it’s not fair,” she said, “Life isn’t fair, Hattie.”
I TOTALLY know that, Mum – l am the only 13-year-old I know without any decent lingerie AND without a dad. Even people at school who don’t know their dads at least have decent knickers!
Then Goose from next door suggested I put toothpaste on my zit farm. I went MENTAL: “Yes, thanks, Goose – perhaps you would like to play dot-to-dot with them too. You are not meant to point them out.” Goose looked really upset and said he was just trying to help. I said, “You can help, Goose – by not mentioning them.”
I also asked Goose how he deals with not having a dad. It’s different for boys but it’s still worth asking. Goose said he did think about his real dad occasionally but he’s decided, “The man must have bad taste as I am actually an OK kind of guy and well worth knowing.” I said, “Goose, do you REALLY think that?” and Goose went, “Yeah – seriously.”
9.56 p.m.
REASONS WHY MY DAD MAY HAVE LEFT:
Something I did wrong. Perhaps I was one of these total nightmare babies that cried all the time and did chemical warfare poos.
Something my brother did wrong. He has always been evil. He put his hamster – Hammy – in my stepdad’s model plane to see if he “enjoyed air travel”. He didn’t. He died.
Something my gran did wrong. She is a mental.
Something my mum did wrong. This is TOTALLY likely. But what?
10.47 p.m.
I bet they were just going to pretend that Rob was my dad but they couldn’t because Rob is from Guyana and actually black.
SUNDAY 18TH JANUARY
5.34 p.m.
Gran has given me her Not Fair List – honestly I am frightened:
1. People at her pensioners’ club who have asthma or breathing problems don’t have time to say “bingo” before the caller has read out the next number. Gran’s friend Denise missed out on the £1,000 jackpot last week because of her wheezing. Please can the caller slow down.
2. Just because Gran is of mature years does not mean that she has “given up”. Therefore when she goes into Topshop she would like to be treated like a normal woman and not asked if she is shopping for her granddaughter. She particularly likes the jewellery.
3. Dating websites should not have an upper age limit.
(VOM VOM VOM!!!)
After thinking about Number 3 I’m worried my gran may be after a toyboy. She may in fact be a COUGAR! I’ve never seen her with any men though. I thought she was happy with Inspector Barnaby from Midsomer Murders, but perhaps she is on the prowl for young meat? Like Madonna!
7.32 p.m.
I am officially stressed. I have to finish a project on the dairy industry (press the snooze button), sort out my gran’s life, keep Mum off my back (yes, I will clean under my bed, Mum), AND get McFittie to actually like me.
I think finding my dad may have to wait for a bit. I’ll look less tragic if I have a boyfriend when I meet him anyway.
MONDAY 19TH JANUARY
5.09 p.m.
Nightmare day. It was double Art. Scary Mrs Matfield – the only woman in the world who is capable of making Art NOT a laugh – decided we had to recreate old classic paintings, using … STRING AND WOOL! She says it’s about “experiments in textures”. We say it’s about her having even more reasons to shout at us when the impossible goes wrong. I am currently trying to make the Mona Lisa – this ancient munter woman. I’m using red wool that won’t do as it’s told, even when I use half a ton of glue. Apparently the Mona Lisa is meant to look enigmatic (had to google this – means “mysterious”). Mine doesn’t. She looks like Grandad after his stroke.
Why can’t I make McFittie from string? He is a masterpiece and should be framed for me to look at ALL DAY!
7.48 p.m.
Dimple just rang. She is going to see Mr Patel tomorrow in the evening, when it’s quiet during EastEnders – to find out why he hates teenagers.
TUESDAY 20TH JANUARY
9.34 p.m.
Dimple went to see Mr Patel, who said that he HAD to put the sign on the door as he was losing hundreds of chocolate bars a week and several magazines. He said that most children and pensioners were natural thieves, and that they needed to be watched at all times.
So Dimps said, “Why don’t you discriminate against pensioners too?” Mr Patel said that old people were “easier to watch”.
I think he means because they all need hip replacements they don’t move as fast. He DID then agree with Dimple that it was only fair that he put a sign up saying:
ONLY 4 PENSIONERS WILL BE ALLOWED INTO THIS SHOP AT ANY ONE TIME.
He’s putting it up tomorrow, so we are counting that as our first Not Fair Protest Group victory.
WEDNESDAY 21ST JANUARY
7.13 p.m.
OMG!!!
Gran has heard that Mr Patel is only allowing 4 old people in his shop at a time. I didn’t tell her that it was our doing! She has mobilized a protest group and they are starting a blockade of his shop. Plus they are going to take it in turns to press the button on the pedestrian crossing outside his shop so it�
��s constantly in use. They are doing it on Saturday.
What have I started?
McFittie – why aren’t you in my life yet?
THURSDAY 22ND JANUARY
5.17 p.m.
My Mona Lisa string picture is a disaster. The red wool has left a mark all over the paper – the woman looks like she has been stabbed. Mrs Matfield said it was typically shoddy slapdash work and Leonardo da Vinci would be turning in his grave. All his paintings would have been crap too if he had had Matfield for a teacher. She is basically Hitler with a stupid big wooden orange necklace.
7.16 p.m.
I LOVE DIMPLE RATHOD!!!
Dimple has just been on a mission to find out about McFittie.
THE FACTS:
He is 16.
He is called Finan McCready.
He’s originally from Edinburgh.
He used to live down south and was into surfing.
HE IS SINGLE – YES YES YES YES YES!!!
He is a Libra which is OFFICIALLY THE BEST SIGN FOR AN AQUARIUS LIKE ME ever.
He is working at Bertie’s because he wants to be a scuba diver.
Prediction: this will make Mum immediately not like him because he is not going to college! BRILLIANT!
Dimple says actually he seems really lovely and that he is very friendly. Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me go out with him. Perhaps Weirdo Jen can do one of her spells. Or can I COSMIC ORDER LOVE?
FRIDAY 23RD JANUARY
4.59 p.m.
My brother has heard I fancy McFittie and is now threatening to take some of my baby photos to show him the ones where I was a crazed podge-monster trying to eat an actual fork.
I’m going to see him tomorrow before my brother can do any damage.
7.02 p.m.
Just found McFittie on Facebook. He has 506 friends BUT IS SINGLE. YAY YAY and YAY!!!
7.05 p.m.
McFittie is a member of the Facebook group “I give my chips to the disabled seagull”, so he is also very caring.
SATURDAY 24TH JANUARY
9.28 p.m.
OFFICIAL DEATH FROM EMBARRASSMENT.
MY GRAN ACTUALLY ORGANIZED A PROTEST AT MR PATEL’S SHOP.
I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES.
She and 5 friends from bingo had big notices and everything saying and
Mr Patel came outside and offered them a free giant packet of Celebrations each as a “gesture of goodwill”, but Gran shouted she could not be bought with out-of-date chocolate. Then the police turned up and threatened to arrest them for breach of the peace or something. Gran started shouting at the policeman saying that Derby was “full of drug dealers” and “shouldn’t they be after them – not 6 women over the age of 60?”. I didn’t see what happened after this as I pretended not to know her when she shouted to me to help her. I know this is bad but I can’t be associated with mental old people when I am in pursuit of my love.
Am I terrible for putting men before my gran? I’m sure she would understand. She did nick Grandad off her own sister.
Got to Bertie’s and McFittie wasn’t there. Rang Weirdo Jen, who said this was my karma for ignoring my gran. She said karma basically meant if you do bad things then bad things happen to you. This is complete rubbish because Miss Gorgeous Knickers at school is evil and she practically has her own Facebook fan page run by the boys who want to snog her.
Where are you, McFittie?
SUNDAY 25TH JANUARY
4.09 p.m.
My mum is officially crusty. This morning she said she was too tired to have a shower and just used half a can of Sure and a squirt of Romance by Ralph Lauren to be on the “safe side”. Miss Gorgeous Knickers’ mum won’t even answer the door without a full face of make-up. Mum could at least put some lippy on. I hope crustiness isn’t genetic – I’ve already got my mum’s no tits – that’s enough, thank you.
4.35 p.m.
Perhaps my dad left because my mum didn’t wash? Maybe he’s a clean freak and couldn’t put up with her being the Queen of Grot?
Must stop thinking about him. Need to FOCUS on LOVE.
5.12 p.m.
It is actually disgusting that my mum expects me to have a tidy bedroom yet I have seen her dust the coffee table by blowing on it.
MONDAY 26TH JANUARY
11.19 p.m.
Was just having a MASSIVE chat with Weirdo Jen on Skype about McFittie when Mum flew in and threatened to take my laptop off me. She thinks I never get time away from my friends and I’m not getting enough “down-time rest”. WHY DOES SHE WANT ME TO BE LONELY? I NEED TO KEEP UP WITH EVERYONE! If she wants me to get more rest she can tell Goose next door to stop singing everything at the top of his voice.
TUESDAY 27TH JANUARY
4.02 p.m.
Mr Patel’s shop is closing. He’s moving back to Kashmir in India, where he and his family originally come from. He says there is less trouble there and people do as they are told. His shop is becoming a Polish deli, which Gran is thrilled about as she loves their sausages. Gran didn’t know much about Polish chocolate. I daren’t tell Dimple – she loves Mr Patel – and if she can’t get her hands on Dairy Milk at certain times of the month she could honestly kill.
WEDNESDAY 28TH JANUARY
6.36 p.m.
My mum always looks so tired and all she ever talks about is work. If she did more girlie stuff we could bond. Some girls at school go to spa days with their mums. The nearest I get to that is when my mum comes in to brush her teeth when I’m in the bath!
6.50 p.m.
I’ve been googling. Mum would really benefit from rediscovering her “inner woman”, so I am going to talk to her about burlesque classes. Dita Von Teese says that burlesque is a celebration of the female body, and I know Mum thinks her body was partly ruined after she gave birth. I think this could bring us together, if you know what I mean.
7.26 p.m.
Just mentioned burlesque to my mother. She said, “Don’t be ridiculous, Hattie – I haven’t got time to have a decent bath let alone dance around in a diamanté thong and high heels.”
I bet Dannii Minogue manages to have a bath, work, look after her kid and look good in a bikini. It can be done, Mum!
8.34 p.m.
Actually I don’t want my mum to be sexy when McFittie comes round. She could turn into a cougar like Gran.
THURSDAY 29TH JANUARY
7.12 p.m.
Went to Bertie’s straight after school. McFittie looked INCREDIBLE today – he even smelt TOTES amazing. Must be the sort of UBER expensive aftershave they keep behind the counter in Boots because everyone wants to nick it.
I even tried to start a conversation with him but I must remember NOT to order a latte because the frother machine noise makes that completely impossible. You can’t be sexy when you’re having to shout like Gran on one of her “deaf days”.
I gave up in the end and just had to watch him like I always do.
9.18 p.m.
Dimple and Weirdo Jen have just been round. Weirdo Jen thinks she can help me get McFittie with magic. She’s got loads of experience with spells and stuff and Mother Nature is her personal goddess or something.
She also reckoned if you light 2 matches, fuse them together and tap on 1 whilst chanting the alphabet, the matches will separate on the initial of the man who is destined for you. It’s in her Wiccan handbook.
We did it 12 times. It kept separating on the letter C or D so Dimps and me think Jen may be talking actual crap.
FRIDAY 30TH JANUARY
6.09 p.m.
Went to Bertie’s again to see McFittie and ordered a water. Was just about to say something and then – WHY DON’T PEOPLE FROM OFFICES ACTUALLY STAY IN THEIR OFFICES TO HAVE MEETINGS? – this load of people in suits came in and this big fat sales guy ended up ordering 12 cappuccinos, an Americano, 3 lattes, 1 hazelnut latte, 3 bits of carrot cake, 4 chocolate muffins and a piece of Victoria sponge. Poor McFittie was rushed off his feet. But he was a TOTAL miracle – he got it ALL right. And all the fa
t sweaty sales guy could say was “thank you”. If that had been me I would have seriously filled out a customer satisfaction card thing and ticked the massively smiley “very satisfied” face.
6.37 p.m.
I didn’t just remember the entire order, by the way. I nicked the bit of paper McFittie wrote it on. He’s got AMAZING handwriting. Bet he writes songs. And plays the guitar.
8.42 p.m.
Weirdo Jen has been reading a book on love techniques for me. It’s her mum’s book (VOM!). Apparently food can be “powerfully erotic”, and all men like to see a woman who “enjoys her food”. Jen thinks I should go to Bertie’s to try and eat something in a “seductive fashion” in front of McFittie. It’s all about being “slow and meaningful” with the right “intense eye flicks”. It could work. I need to rehearse though – I’ve never eaten sexily before. In fact I have never done anything sexily before. Unless I am naturally sexy and don’t know it.
