by Rae Earl
SATURDAY 14TH MARCH
7.12 p.m.
Dimple, Weirdo Jen and me just met at Bertie’s for the third monthly meeting of the Not Fair Protest Group. I hadn’t been there since the social death biscotti incident but it didn’t matter because McFittie has left! GONE! Good – he came between me and my best friend and I cannot allow that to happen. Apparently he has gone back to Cornwall to surf. IT’S MARCH! I hope he freezes his stupid quiff off that I used to love so much.
Anyway, the things to make fair were the following:
1. More people to realize that Hindus had the swastika first and not Hitler. (Is it a bit tragic that we are trying to sort out a God thing?)
2. Police to IMMEDIATELY destroy any food that they find, as a) it’s a security risk, and b) it’s an embarrassment risk.
3. Mrs Matfield to make a list of everything that “school is not about”. We agree that this is a HUGE job and will be impossible to do. Hopefully that might make her realize how craptacular it is that she uses it as an excuse for EVERYTHING.
The problem with all of these is that we don’t quite know how to actually fix them. Jen suggested we set up a website called theswastikaisnotjustnazi.com but that will cost a fortune. And as for Numbers 2 and 3 how do you make the police or Mrs Matfield do anything?! We spent FOR EVER trying to work it out and we are going to sleep on it and see if we come up with anything. Jen is eating some cheese before she goes to bed as sometimes it gives her answers in dreams.
We’ve also decided we need to make the NFPG more flexible – we need to tackle injustice as it happens. So we may not have a monthly meeting any more. Anyway, by the time we had worked out that we couldn’t make things fair we had run out of time for our make-up masterclass so Jen and Dimple are coming here tomorrow.
SUNDAY 15TH MARCH
4.14 p.m.
We all slept on it and we have agreed that we just have to accept that there are some things we cannot fix. Jen said her cheese just gave her a nightmare – she was naked in the Westfield shopping centre and Mrs Matfield was chasing her with a massive sausage. That sounded rude to me but I didn’t say anything.
THEN we had a MARVTASTIC make-up session. Jen gave me and Dimple smoky eyes!!! No one does eyes like Jen – she made me look like this bedroom’s next top model. Jen got bored though and wanted to go experimental so she put the “Toffee Waffle” lipstick she got free with a magazine all over her face. It looked well weird. Trouble was, it wouldn’t come off. Not even with Clearasil and half a bottle of No. 7 Microdermabrasion stuff.
Jen wasn’t bothered though. She said it reflects other tribal cultures but I think in Derby it just makes you look like an actual doughnut.
MONDAY 16TH MARCH
4.13 p.m.
Mrs Matfield used ALL her portable Nivea wipes on Jen’s face today and it was STILL toffee waffle. Jen got another lunchtime detention for wasting cow-face Matfield’s “time and money”. Jen is now OFFICIALLY the coolest person in our year. MGK even spoke to her this afternoon and lent her a Vogue. Jen gave it straight to me. I am going to read it, spit all over it and then give it back to her. LOL!!!
4.32 p.m.
I mean give it back to MGK not Jen. I love Jen.
8.17 p.m.
God, I hope MGK doesn’t take Jen off me and Dimple.
TUESDAY 17TH MARCH
6.12 p.m.
Jen just told me and Dimple that she would never be part of the MGK clique as all they ever talk about is boys and shopping. We talk about all that – but other important stuff too.
8.34 p.m.
I would never say this to Jen and Dimple but a lot of the other “important” stuff is actual dullster von dullster. If I am being honest I would rather read about whoever’s had liposuction this week than earthquakes. That’s bad, isn’t it?
9.22 p.m.
Actually I am not that bad as we did do a sponsored silence and raised loads for somewhere once. We have never raised any money for anyone in Heat magazine.
WEDNESDAY 18TH MARCH
7.34 p.m.
UNBELIEVABLE. OFFICIALLY MY LIFE IS TRAGIC.
Came home tonight to see that Mum had washed my sheets but had put a Barney the Dinosaur duvet cover on my bed from when I was about 5. When I went mad she said, “Hattie, what’s the problem? No one is going to see it.” I said, “Mum, that is not the point. I am making the transition from girl to woman, and it’s important that my femininity is encouraged. Having a big purple Tyrannosaurus rex on my bed does not help my femininity – even if he is a friendly one!”
Mum says it HAS to stay as there are no other covers available and with no cover a duvet gets filthy.
THURSDAY 19TH MARCH
5.45 p.m.
Couldn’t get the thought out of my head today that if MGK knew I had a dinosaur duvet cover on my bed my life would not be worth living.
7.23 p.m.
My brother has just poked his head around the door and started singing the Barney “I love you, you love me” song. He is 17. Why can’t he MOVE OUT?!
8.46 p.m.
Oh dear, Mum. I have just accidentally on purpose spilt a glass of Ribena all over Barney. I will have to change it immediately. LOL!
8.54 p.m.
Mum says as Barney is the same colour as Ribena I can just keep the cover on. Why can’t Barney be pink like Barbie? Now I’ve got a soggy bed AND a T-REX.
FRIDAY 20TH MARCH
6.37 p.m.
(LAST DAY OF SCHOOL THIS TERM.)
Mrs Matfield said we should use the school holidays to catch up on any work that we had missed in the term and do some revision for our exams. Dear Mrs Matfield – NOT A HOPE IN HELL, BABY!!!
ANYWAY, THE BIG BREAKING NEWS: there is a rumour going round school that if you attach a vacuum cleaner to a funnel and put the suction on your breasts it actually pulls them out and encourages them to grow. It’s got to be worth a try, SURELY? I, Hattie Moore, would like to proclaim that the school holidays are officially OPERATION BOOB GROWTH AND IS CARLO MY ACTUAL DAD?!
SATURDAY 21ST MARCH
10.56 a.m.
Just got the Hoover out. Mum is thrilled that I found the Dyson and says could I clean out the fridge too. Sorry, Mum – cleaning out the salad drawer will not make ANYTHING grow.
11.12 a.m.
We are the only family in the history of the world that does not have a funnel. I will have to go round Gran’s. I haven’t been to see her in ages but she’ll understand.
4.56 p.m.
Gran was not very happy at all that I had not been to see her. She started saying, “I won’t be around for ever, Hattie.” I wish she wouldn’t say that – it makes me want to cry and never stop. I didn’t say that though. I just asked her if she had a funnel and of course she does! Gran has everything as she doesn’t throw anything away. Her house should be on Cash in the Attic.
Anyway, I’m doing it tomorrow. Get ready for a BREAST EXPLOSION.
SUNDAY 22ND MARCH
9.34 a.m.
LOL! I just accidentally vacuumed up an entire toilet roll!!! It shot up the nozzle sheet by sheet!
10.19 a.m.
I have just Dysoned each breast for 3 minutes. They’ve just gone all red. Perhaps it’s like the redness you get before a spot grows. PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE. Perhaps they need rest. I’ll leave them overnight.
10.43 a.m.
They don’t look like they’ve grown.
10.53 a.m.
Still NO change.
11.12 a.m.
Decided I can’t treat my breasts like my mum treats me – watching every move they make and nagging them. Things cannot grow when they are being watched. I am going to forget about them till tomorrow.
7.13 p.m.
Just had to clean my room so Mum doesn’t get suspicious.
7.33 p.m.
Cleaning my room has made my mum suspicious anyway. I can’t win.
11.38 p.m.
HAVE TO LOOK. Breasts just a bit red. Not bigger.
MO
NDAY 23RD MARCH
7.23 a.m.
Just measured my breasts.
NO bigger. Just red.
I’ll do it again later.
11.24 a.m.
Just did it again. I haven’t got a lock on my door so I moved a chair against it. If my brother came in I would die from embarrassment and he would take the pee out of me till my actual death.
My breasts are just red again.
12.53 p.m.
Perhaps I should forget even trying to vacuum them and just do what Gran said she used to do – bunched-up toilet roll in each bra cup. She reckons it looks completely natural and men absolutely can’t tell the difference unless you get caught in the rain or go swimming.
1.01 p.m.
Just remembered I Dysoned the spare toilet roll up yesterday! Going to have to go downstairs and get something else.
1.10 p.m.
Plenty kitchen paper towel may be able to wipe up loads with one sheet but it makes RUBBISH breasts. I look like I have textured tits!
1.19 p.m.
Flash Wipes are also craptacular for looking like boobs – they make your bra soggy and you smell lemon fresh in a bad way.
I’m going back to the Dyson.
6.36 p.m.
Perhaps I am doing it at the wrong time of day. Might try doing it later at night when my boobs are calmer and more relaxed. Trouble is I need an amazing excuse for vacuuming after 9 p.m.
9.54 p.m.
Just smashed an old Elmo from Sesame Street glass on my bedroom floor! It’s everywhere in the carpet. Mum came to investigate and even she said I definitely need the Dyson. She offered to help but I put her off by saying, “I made the mess – so I’ll clean it up.” This gives breast growth solo space AND makes me sound MASSIVELY mature. I, Hattie Moore, am an actual mum-managing genius with ever bigger boobs.
10.23 p.m.
Late-night breast-vacuming completed! I quickly cleaned the broken glass too. Sorry, Elmo – but you died to make my breasts bigger.
11.57 p.m.
I am getting REALLY mad now. There is no movement in my breasts AT ALL. I wasn’t going to tell anyone what I was doing but tomorrow I will go and see Dimple. She’s from a medical family. She understands breasts.
TUESDAY 24TH MARCH
8.12 a.m.
Just cut my foot on a massive piece of glass (Elmo’s eye!). And my breasts are NO BIGGER. So I now have small boobs and deformed feet!
4.36 p.m.
After I made Dimple swear on her life that she wouldn’t breathe a word to A SOUL ON EARTH, I told her about the breast growth machine. She said it was utterly craptacular and she couldn’t believe I fell for that. OK, OFFICIALLY I AM A DOUGHNUT but I am desperate. My breasts are holding me back!
Dimple reckons the only way to increase breast growth is to a) have implants (I AM TOO YOUNG – I HAVE CHECKED), or b) do some exercise that encourages “definition of the muscle tone” (?).
Anyway we have decided to go to Bikram Yoga at the community centre as Dimple thinks it will be good for my breasts and good for her mind. You do it in a really hot room so you sweat LOADS.
8.37 p.m.
I think Dimple may be more mature than me.
9.12 p.m.
Just took the Dyson downstairs. Never want to see it again.
9.45 p.m.
I want to be more like Dimple. I think I need to think about others more. I’ve decided to make a book about school rumours so other people don’t end up hoovering their breasts for no reason.
WEDNESDAY 25TH MARCH
3.12 p.m.
Dimple and me are a bit worried about Weirdo Jen. She isn’t answering texts and she hasn’t been on Facebook for 2 days. It’s like she’s died. We are going to her house tomorrow to check on her.
10.23 p.m.
I’ve been working on this all day and I think I’ve included everything!
Not Fair Protest Group’s
Craptacular List of School Rumours
• Vacuuming your breasts will not make them grow.
• Putting toothpaste on spots just makes your face minty.
• You cannot repair split ends with Flora – your hair just looks totally greasy.
• Chocolate does not cause zits – so you can have 1,000 Kit Kats if you want. (YAY!)
• Going to bed with your iPod on does NOT make you a better singer in your sleep. (MGK spread this when she was trying to get on The x-Factor.)
• You CAN get pregnant on a boat. (MGK says you can’t – DOUGHNUT!!!)
When we get back to school I think I might put this on the noticeboard. It will be the most interesting thing on there – LOL!
THURSDAY 26TH MARCH
9.35 p.m.
Dimple and me went round Jen’s house.
She’s been busy writing a book!!! It’s a zombie romance called Really Dead Love. We said, “Jen, how the hell can a zombie kiss? Their lips would fall off!”
Jen says her zombies are special members of the undead who NEED to be in love or they start to disintegrate – they are basically kissing maniacs. Her main character – called Jennifer (it’s based on her) – meets a boy and he begs to be snogged or he will lose his arm. Then all these other zombie boys turn up in Derby, desperate to be kissed, and they are all TOTALLY gorgeous.
Wish it was true. I WISH IT WAS TRUE. I am in a love drought. I need a boy shower of hotness.
10.01 p.m.
Sometimes I sound like such a mahoosive dork.
Bikram Yoga tomorrow. We did invite Jen but she says she is at an important stage where her main character has to choose between snogging a zombie and a werewolf.
10.17 p.m.
I think Jen’s book is actually just Twilight but with zombies.
11.23 p.m.
Just been on YouTube to look at zombies. Feel sick.
FRIDAY 27TH MARCH
2.14 p.m.
AND THIS IS WHY THE NOT FAIR PROTEST GROUP MUST CARRY ON!!!
Dimple and me went to the Bikram Yoga class. WE ARE OFFICIALLY TOO YOUNG TO TAKE PART. We aren’t allowed to do the pole-dancing class either.
Don’t they realize that we need to work on our bodies now?!
Dimple thinks we should just do it at home anyway, so she is coming round tomorrow to mine while Mum and Rob are at work and my brother is at YET ANOTHER job interview. We would do it round Dimple’s house but middle-age hormones have turned her mum into a complete mental now. She cries at cat food adverts and won’t eat anything but cheese on toast and Chupa Chups.
SATURDAY 28TH MARCH
8.12 a.m.
I haven’t got any decent exercise clothes so I borrowed my brother’s Jimi Hendrix T-shirt. He will go mad if he finds out! MARVELLOUS!!!
5.12 p.m.
Dimple came round about 2. She brought her mum’s ancient yoga DVDs. I tried to make the living room MASSIVELY hot so we put the gas fire on and boiled the kettle in the living room to get it steamy. We were really getting into it when Mum decided to come home early (WHICH SHE NEVER DOES) and went LOON about her Julien Macdonald wallpaper being affected by heat! ERR, MUM – what’s more important? Your lounge decor, or my ACTUAL breast definition?
6.34 p.m.
And she embarrassed me in front of Dimple.
6.47 p.m.
And her wallpaper is craptacular anyway. Gran said she had the same thing in the 1970s and it didn’t cost £27 a roll.
Right. I am going to ask her about Carlo. TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT.
8.37 p.m.
OMG!!!
Just cornered Mum in the kitchen. She is always in a better mood after dinner – and we’d had Thai chicken curry then a Tesco’s Finest tiramisu. It’s the ULTIMATE in MumMoodFood. So I went for it.
Me: Mum, have you ever known someone called Carlo?
Mum: Why do you ask? (Still calm but TOTALLY panicking – I could tell.)
Me: Just wondering… (All COMPLETELY casual.)
Mum: Has someone been talking to you, Hattie?
Me:
No.
Mum: Gran is getting old, you know. Sometimes she gets confused.
OMG – Gran may be a mental but she NEVER gets confused! Plus she does at least 2 crosswords a day and never misses Countdown. She gets at least 3 conundrums a week!
Me: Seriously, Mum, Gran has said NOTHING. (This is not a lie!)
Mum: No – I don’t think I’ve ever known a Carlo, Hattie. Why do you ask anyway?
