by Rae Earl
And TOTAL DIBBO me! I hadn’t even worked out a reason why I was asking her, so I said:
Me: Oh – someone rang here asking for him. Must have been a wrong number.
Mum: What time was that?
OMG – MASSIVE pause – hadn’t even worked out what the HELL to say!
Me: Earlier.
Mum: When earlier?
Me: Oh – I think it was around 2.
Mum: Must have been a wrong number, Hattie.
BUT then she MASSIVELY stared at me and I heard her go into the lounge and say to Rob, “Hattie just asked me about…” THEN she must have whispered because I couldn’t hear anything.
NOW I 100% KNOW THAT SOMETHING IS GOING ON.
SUNDAY 29TH MARCH
9.34 a.m.
Told Goose about yesterday. He says when the trail goes cold you have to keep on high alert for any clues. Goose says we need James Bond. He can stop deadly viruses and nuclear bombs and solve MASSIVE threats to the world in a matter of hours – finding my dad would basically be a tea break for him. Goose ALWAYS makes me laugh.
10.23 a.m.
My brother just burst in and wanted to know why his T-shirt smells of Impulse – LOL!
I am so bored. School holidays ARE boring. Might try meditating and getting in touch with my inner woman.
12.43 p.m.
Can’t find my inner woman. Think she may actually be dead.
5.47 p.m.
Just had a wardrobe overhaul. You should do it every 6 months.
My wardrobe contained the following:
2 pairs of jeans
2 Primark tops
1 actually gorgeous Topshop shirt (thanks, Gran)
7 tops from Tesco’s
NO high heels
1 pair of sequin pumps
a hoodie with YES! written on it in massive pink letters (VOM!!!)
a Shrek sweatshirt
No one could rock a Shrek sweatshirt.
I would like to overhaul my wardrobe but I can’t as I have no money.
6.33 p.m.
Just asked Mum for some money for a wardrobe overhaul. She said she needed to tax the car this month (BORING!) and that my wardrobe could wait.
My wardrobe always has to wait. It is the most patient wardrobe IN HISTORY.
MONDAY 30TH MARCH
3.12 p.m.
Asked my mum where my real dad was and could he help with any money. Apparently there is more chance of “Simon Cowell paying for new clothes”. Why can’t HE be my dad? He’s MAHOOSIVELY rich.
TUESDAY 31ST MARCH
9.45 p.m.
I am very confused about men. I don’t seem to actually fancy many of them. I haven’t been actually in love since McFittie and at 14 I should be IN LOVE. I don’t fancy girls AT ALL either. I have checked this weekly by looking at my brother’s FHM magazine. I am 100% non-lesbic. Jen is coming round tomorrow – she has had a boyfriend. I’ll ask her how she actually got a man.
WEDNESDAY 1ST APRIL
9.24 p.m.
Jen told me today that if you want to find your true love, ask a fox after midnight but before 2 a.m. The myth is they all get powers of speech and can tell you who you should go for.
It sounds MENTAL but it HAS to be worth a try. I NEED to find someone.
THURSDAY 2ND APRIL
12.32 a.m.
Nicked some of my stepdad’s wafer-thin turkey sandwich filling as bait, BUT no fox. Just Goose’s STUPID cat Colin, who ate it instead and then tried to attack me.
Will try again tomorrow.
FRIDAY 3RD APRIL
1.10 a.m.
Mum just went MENTAL and asked me what I was doing in the garden at “past midnight”. I just said, “Err – looking for something.” She then FORCED me to come in.
9.45 a.m.
Just rang Weirdo Jen to see if she had any fox-catching tips. She then told me that it was an April Fool’s joke and she had forgotten to tell me.
Not happy. At all.
SATURDAY 4TH APRIL
12.45 p.m.
Can’t believe I fell for a talking fox.
5.23 p.m.
I’m not the only doughnut. Dibbo Hannah totally believed MGK when she told her Victoria Beckham was designing our new school uniform. LOL!
Wish she was. She would NEVER put anyone in turd brown.
6.12 p.m.
I just laughed at an MGK joke. OMG, I hope I am not maturing into a total cow.
SUNDAY 5TH APRIL
10.32 a.m.
My brother has gone for an interview at Lord of the Burgers – please, PLEASE let him get the job. It will mean he’ll be in the house less AND it’s a craptacular job!
5.24 p.m.
Decided to try to find my inner woman in the garden as my gran reckons that fresh air can help everything. Goose came out of his house to ask me why I had been in the garden over the last few nights at midnight. I said, “Were you perving?!” and he said, “Err NO, Hattie, you doughnut. I actually thought you were a mass-murderer or a stalker.” Goose has been a bit mental ever since he watched Jeepers Creepers at age 11. This is Derby – there are no murderers!
7.34 p.m.
Just googled Murders in Derby . Wish I hadn’t! There have been loads of mentals killing people! And loads of the crimes are unsolved – including one from 1907 when a man was killed with a pitchfork through his head!
11.34 p.m.
Can’t sleep. Would a pitchfork through your brain hurt? An unsolved crime means a murderer is actually walking round Derby RIGHT NOW.
11.45 p.m.
Mum just came in to ask why I wasn’t asleep. Told her about the pitchfork murderer and she reminded me that if the murder happened in 1907 the person who did it was dead anyway. Then she said the only crime being committed in this house was my crime of being a “total doughnut”.
Thanks, Mum, for your sensitivity.
MONDAY 6TH APRIL
7.12 p.m.
Weirdo Jen says we all have spirit angels and we need to thank them for everything in our lives. You have to be grateful – then more good things will happen to you. Here goes:
My zit farm has decreased in size.
My socks are super warm.
I am thankful for my duvet cover which no longer features Barney the Dinosaur.
Dinner tonight was edible.
The pitchfork murderer is dead.
Surely that is enough?
9.30 p.m.
My brother got the job at Lord of the Burgers! Jen is right!!! I will be grateful every day!!!
TUESDAY 7TH APRIL
6.24 p.m.
I was chilling in the garden this afternoon when Goose decided he was going to do some work on his BMX at the same time. Goose said he was making the most of the sunshine. There was no sunshine at all. The boy is a mental. His mum told me he ate a whole tube of toothpaste at age 3 because he thought it was liquid sweeties! This explains A LOT.
I have got loads on Goose and he must NEVER forget it.
I AM GRATEFUL FOR … carrots – as they do not ming as much as broccoli.
WEDNESDAY 8TH APRIL
11.34 a.m.
Just realized that actually Goose could destroy my entire life as he knows the following:
That I used to be scared of toilets because I thought they could suck you in when you flushed them (MY BROTHER’S FAULT).
That I used to think my toys came to life when I was asleep and that if I was nasty to them they would gang up and kill me. (MY BROTHER’S FAULT AGAIN – HE TOLD ME TOY STORY WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.)
That I used to think horses laid eggs. (Not my brother’s fault – I just assumed – LOL!)
7.32 p.m.
I AM GRATEFUL FOR … breast implants. I don’t have them but it’s good to know they exist.
THURSDAY 9TH APRIL
6.54 p.m.
My brother has started working at Lord of the Burgers.
Mum has called him a traitor but after he told her what he gets an hour she said she wished she c
ould join him.The best thing is that his costume is designed to look like a wizard. LOL!!!
I AM GRATEFUL FOR … craptacular uniforms that torture my brother.
FRIDAY 10TH APRIL
7.42 p.m.
Just asked my brother if he could magic up some dinner for me and save me from the dark forces of meat. He turned into a mental and tried to tear my decent Topshop shirt. Mum had to get involved and obviously took his side. She said this is a difficult time for him so I should stop winding him up.
Mum, it’s not my fault he couldn’t manage Business Studies and now has to pretend he is Gandalf with extra fries.
I AM GRATEFUL FOR … having a brother who is suffering after years of torturing me.
SATURDAY 11TH APRIL
7.15 p.m.
My brother has quit Lord of the Burgers. My mum said she understood as it’s a dead-end job. UNBELIEVABLE!!!
If I did that she would LOSE IT BIG TIME. Even when I stopped Brownies after I failed my Entertainer badge she said I gave in too easily. I didn’t want to stay there after I hadn’t passed the easiest badge in history – even Doughnut Hannah got hers for doing a craptacular dance to the theme from Emmerdale!
9.34 p.m.
Why IS my mum so nice to my brother? What does HE know that I don’t?
10.13 p.m.
Prediction – it is something to do with my real dad. It MUST be. I’m going to ask my brother if he knows who Carlo is.
I’ll ask him tomorrow.
10.34 p.m.
I AM GRATEFUL FOR … nothing – as it doesn’t work.
SUNDAY 12TH APRIL
9.38 p.m.
Went round to see Gran today. I found her in the lounge looking slightly mental.
She said, “I am entering EVERY competition in ALL these magazines, Hattie. Doreen Dixon from bingo won an all-inclusive holiday to Mexico with Woman’s Realm and SHE still gets the £100 question wrong on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”
I said, “Gran, this is mental. You are 67. Why do you want to win a ‘Gluety Booty buttock exercise machine’?”
Gran gave me a massive death-stare and said, “I may be older, Hattie, but I still think about my bum. I’ve always been proud of my backside – in 1972 I was ‘Rear of the Year’ at Butlins in Skegness. Now help me with this wordsearch. We have to find 23 types of garden vegetable to win a fortnight at an Eco Green retreat in Swansea, cleaning out a river.”
Eco Green retreat?! My gran has told everyone at the pensioners’ club that global warming is a lie. She thinks it’s an excuse for “silly greeny” people to not work, not wash and live in trees.
She is making me go round tomorrow after school to help her.
10.13 p.m.
Just asked my brother if he remembered our dad. He was older when he left! Nathan got really narky and said, “No, Hattie. Now DO one!” Then when I asked him if he knew a Carlo he said, “Hattie, our dad must be a waste of space as he hasn’t bothered with us in YEARS. Get over it. He doesn’t care about either of us.”
So I said, “Perhaps Mum has banned him from keeping in touch and he currently has a cupboard full of birthday and Christmas presents waiting for us that he can’t send!” Then Nathan went MENTAL and shouted, “DREAM ON, Hattie – you just want an iPhone and you hope that he’ll buy it for you!” Then he stormed off.
That is SO NOT TRUE. I want to find my dad for emotional and personal growth reasons only.
11.35 p.m.
Dr Phil says he wants me to “get excited about my life”. It’s very hard, Dr Phil, when your life isn’t about parties and YUM boys but actually about doing a wordsearch for your gran and trying to find out who your dad is because no one else will tell you.
MONDAY 13TH APRIL
6.34 p.m.
Back to school. It was BORING and UNBELIEVABLE all at the same time. Mrs Matfield is trying to ban pencil cases as they can be used to hide “illegal items”. She wants us to carry stuff around in transparent sandwich bags. Me, Jen and Dimps already know Matfield is a mental but she has gone beyond that. From now on she is officially classified as the INTERNATIONAL PRESIDENT OF TOTAL EVIL COMPLETE LOON MATFIELD.
9.45 p.m.
Went to see Gran. She said she was off to a Boxercise class at the community centre. Apparently they have a two-tier Boxercise system: the young people run and punch, “mature” people are allowed to sit on the floor and punch the air. Gran likes it because she can pretend she is lamping people she doesn’t like.
She asked if I would like to go. Yes, I would – I might invite MGK to come too, and be my boxing partner. LOL!
Instead I said no – but asked Gran if I could just stay at hers while she was out. I said it would give me some peace and quiet to do some of her competitions. Gran said yes. So I spent the next 2 hours looking through her drawers for anything CARLO-related. I know it’s bad but it’s totally what any of the detectives she watches would do.
Anyway there was NOTHING, except for old bills and out-of-date coupons for washing powder and something called “Coffee-mate”.
WHERE IS THE TRUTH? WHEN WILL I KNOW THE TRUTH? WHERE IS MY DAD?!
TUESDAY 14TH APRIL
5.37 p.m.
Dimple, Jen and me had a FULL conversation at lunch about what we are going to wear for the Geography trip to the Peak District tomorrow. I am going for jeans with my Topshop shirt and my only pair of a bit glam shoes. Dimple has proper walking boots as her dad thinks an idle body makes an idle mind. She looks good in them though. Like she looks good in everything. She would be an uber cow if she wasn’t so lovely.
9.12 p.m.
Mum is MAKING me take my patterned wellies too just in case it’s muddy. She also wants me to take my YES! VOM hoodie as it will be cold. NO WAY. I would rather die of the freeze than die of terminal geekness.
WEDNESDAY 15TH APRIL
10.32 p.m.
I HAVE JUST HAD THE MOST BRILLIANT DAY OF SCHOOL FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:
1. Me, Dimps and Jen all sat together on the bus – which meant THE best game of truth or dare ever. Jen admitted that she had once had a crush on Jeremy Kyle! It only lasted for 2 days but it is OFFICIALLY the worst crush on a person ever in history.
2. THE PLACE WAS SO FAR OUT WE COULD NOT GET SIGNAL on our mobs!!! If we got lost we would basically be lost there for ever. Then Weirdo Jen said we might have to eat one another to survive. ALL of us decided that Miss Gorgeous Knickers dies first. LOL!
3. Miss Gorgeous Knickers came in her MASSIVE lap-dancer high heels and ended up twisting her leg on a cattle-grid. Mrs Cripps went mental and said they were not suitable footwear for hill walking and examining crop rotation and maybe she would like to borrow some of her flats. LOL! MGK had to wear a pair of right granny frumpsters! (Hate to say it, but Mum was right about the wellies. My shoes would never have been the same.)
4. MGK basically cried all the way home and said when she had fallen she had “pulled everything out” as she was “delicately balanced like a ballet dancer”. PLEASE let her have to wear a neck brace as it will give her 440 double chins.
5. We didn’t learn anything, but on the way home we were all having a MASSIVE singing session until MENTAL Hitler Matfield (Why did she come? She is Art!) told us to be quiet as we were disturbing Brian the driver. But Brian the driver said he was “quite enjoying it”, and it made a difference from the “crap people usually sing”. Matfield looked mentally mad but could not do a thing as Brian the driver is an actual adult and doesn’t have to do what she wants. LOL!!!
Basically it was MARVELLOUS!
11.12 p.m.
Just remembered one mental thing. We saw a pig and her piglets. Dimple says her mum is so middle-aged hormonal she can’t look at ANYTHING pregnant at the moment as it makes her cry for hours. Poor Mrs Pig looked so tired … AND the dad was NOWHERE to be seen.
TYPICAL.
THURSDAY 16TH APRIL
4.22 p.m.
Unbelievable!!! Gran has won a 40-inch flat screen TV from a compe
tition in the local paper. I asked her if she really needed it (HINT). She said she did think it was a bit big for her front room but she was going to give it a try.
5.56 p.m.
Gran just watched Big Cat Diary in HD. She said she has never seen anything so amazing in her entire life and you could see EVERYTHING when the lions brought down a buffalo. She says that watching her fave film Titanic in HD will be like a dream come true. It’ll be wonderful to be able to see right up Leonardo DiCaprio’s nose.
10.13 p.m.
Why has my gran got an HD TV when we have to hold the remote control in a funny place to make ours even work?
