by Rae Earl
4.34 p.m.
Thanked Mum for saving me. She just half-smiled. I think this afternoon brought back some terrible stuff for her. Oprah would definitely recommend counselling.
Mum has just saved me from social death. I am going to make her a cup of tea without her even asking. If the dress isn’t here by next Friday I will start to panic.
8.32 p.m.
VOM!!!
Jen thinks her tongue may have gone septic – as there is (I MAY BE SICK) a yellow crust round the edges of the stud. She is going to have to tell her mum. She has been trying to hide it from her parents as her mum thinks piercings are the worst kind of modern tribal enslavement and have no place in a body that is truly free. Sometimes I think Jen’s mother is so clever her brain may actually explode.
SUNDAY 5TH JULY
4.23 p.m.
Googled exploding brains . Found out that some people spontaneously combust. This means one minute you are sitting there watching EastEnders, the next you are on fire and there is NOTHING you can do to stop it. And it mainly affects women.
MONDAY 6TH JULY
4.17 p.m.
No dress.
Felt a bit hot today. Got a bit worried then just took my cardie off and I felt fine.
6.23 p.m.
Hot again. Please, God, don’t let me spontaneously combust. Not before I’ve found my real dad.
9.12 p.m.
Jen said there is more chance of being abducted by aliens than spontaneously combusting. I think she was trying to make me feel better, but now I’m worried about aliens.
TUESDAY 7TH JULY
7.32 a.m.
No dress.
Apparently there is this massive place in America full of captured spaceships but it’s TOP SECRET. WE NEED TO KNOW so we can avoid being taken by aliens.
ARE THE PEOPLE RUNNING THIS WORLD TOTALLY MENTAL?!!
7.54 a.m.
I’m emailing the American president – he looks kind on TV and the first thing he did when he was elected was buy his daughters a dog. ARE YOU TAKING NOTE, MUM? YOU say you are too busy for a pet. The president runs half the world and he has got time.
You can email the White House and tell them what you think.
From: Hattie Moore
Date: July 7, 07:03:42 PM GMT
To:
Subject: I know Buzz Lightyear and Wall-E are nice BUT
Dear Mr President,
I am part of an organization called the Not Fair Protest Group. We try to make things fair for all – which I know you totally agree with. I am asking you to please, PLEASE make everything you know about aliens public. We need to know what we are dealing with so if a massive jelly thing with black eyes comes to experiment on us we can tackle him.
Thanks,
Hattie Moore
BTW – please tell the First Lady that she dresses really well for someone middle-aged. MUCH better than my mum.
WEDNESDAY 8TH JULY
6.24 a.m.
No dress.
OMG – perhaps my dad got abducted by aliens? You can’t write from Mars!!!
That’s tragic – it’s 2 million per cent more likely that he can’t be arsed. This is Hattie Moore talking out of her Uranus – LOL LOL LOL!!!
6.26 a.m.
That joke was UBER craptacular.
10.43 a.m.
Jen’s tongue is in a super bad state. And she says she feels really hot. I’m worried that it might be a sign that she’s about to spontaneously combust but she says there’s nothing to worry about as it’s much more likely to be a flesh-eating superbug.
11.25 a.m.
Jen has just been to the school welfare officer. She showed her her tongue – she’s been sent straight home and told to go to the doctor IMMEDIATELY.
She must be totally ill. Normally all you get off the welfare assistant is 2 paracetamol and a lecture on how to use a hanky properly.
4.10 p.m.
Jen had to tell her mum. She went MENTAL.
Why do mums overreact to EVERYTHING on Earth? A piercing does not mean you are having actual sex or anything.
THURSDAY 9TH JULY
7.12 p.m.
STILL NO DRESS (from tomorrow I will officially totally be in a panic).
Jen’s mum went down to the piercing shop to complain about them piercing a 13-year-old girl. “Big Mick” said it was difficult to tell the ages of people these days and many of them had fake IDs. He said she was lucky that Jen couldn’t afford the big butterfly she wanted tattooed on her shoulder.
Jen’s mum is now threatening to check her body every day for tattoos. Jen says when she does have one she is going to have it tattooed on her heel because no one will ever look there.
9.54 p.m.
Jen just texted – her mum heard her talk about the heel tattoo. She is now checking her every day for “permanent ink body vandalism” – and verrucas.
FRIDAY 10TH JULY
5.23 p.m.
OFFICIAL TOTAL DRESS PANIC!
Everybody is now talking about the end of year prom ALL THE TIME. I am NOT for the following reasons:
I’ve got nothing to wear as my dress is currently in Beijing.
I’ve not got a boyfriend.
MGK will look gorgeous.
Even when she doesn’t bully me with words, MGK can bully me with stares and craptacular laughing.
Unless I have major surgery my breasts will not grow 4 sizes in 4 days.
I think I like making lists. It seems to make things easier to cope with.
6.12 p.m.
Tried to call the post office. They close at 5.30 on a Friday. Probably because all their staff are getting ready to go to parties wearing dresses they’ve nicked from the mail.
7.23 p.m.
My brother just came in and said, “Poor Cinderella has nothing to wear to the ball. Sorry – not Cinderella – her ugly sister.” QUESTION – WHY IS NATHAN SUCH A TOTAL PIG DORKFEST?!
8.35 p.m.
Total prom FAIL. Total postal FAIL. Total lack of dad fail. Total LIFE FAIL.
SATURDAY 11TH JULY
9.23 p.m.
OMG.
My mum knows I have no money and has offered to get me something for the prom. She seems to think she understands what would suit me better than I do. Plus if she’s paying for it, she says she’s choosing it. AM I ACTUALLY 7?! Rob said I should let her as it’s her attempt to “connect” with me, and I need to trust her.
I know she saved me from Gran “thinks she’s Chanel” HELL but…
Reasons why I think this is the worst idea EVER:
1. Mum had a perm when she was a teenager – yes it was the ’80s, but that’s no excuse.
2. Mum thinks that you don’t need make-up and that men appreciate the natural look (MENTAL).
3. Mum thinks that Kate Moss looks scruffy. Kate Moss is a goddess. She has no breasts either and it has never stopped her.
4. Mum only buys BBC Good Food magazine and never even looks at a fashion magazine. I CANNOT WEAR A NICE QUICHE.
I think I am going to have to say no.
10.46 p.m.
Actually Mum knows better than anyone that if you look stupid at a prom it will be talked about for years and years. AND all the celebrities have stylists that pick their clothes for them.
Plus I can always not go if it’s really bad. I’ll just say I’ve got a stomach bug or something.
SUNDAY 12TH JULY
8.32 a.m.
Just a week before I meet my dad.
Mum is going shopping tomorrow. Perhaps I can wear my prom outfit to meet him.
I have given her a list of total NOs:
anything brown
frills
animal print (yes I did love my zebra print coat but I was 5 then)
anything pink
I said, “Please, Mum, I am also too old for Dora the Explorer.” Mum snapped, “Yes, obviously, Hattie!”
But is it obvious, Mum? You still ask me if I ha
ve cleaned my teeth every morning, and it’s obvious that I would – just in case a rampant SNOG machine wanted to kiss me right there and then!
MONDAY 13TH JULY
5.23 p.m.
Mum has come back from shopping. She is going to unveil it after tea. She says it comes from Miss Selfridge, which is actually a really positive sign.
7.34 p.m.
OMG!
Mum has actually bought me something … good!
It’s like a dress with a sheer top with a camisole underneath – it sounds rank but it’s quite daring. Plus with my Wonderbra I look like I have actual tits.
Going to the PROM, BABY!!! Hope it is JAMMED FULL OF BOY LOVE MANIACS WHO WANT TO FEAST ON MY LIPS.
TUESDAY 14TH JULY
8.23 a.m.
Wish Rob would GET OUT OF THE CRAPPING BATHROOM. I NEED TO START GETTING READY.
Actually shouldn’t moan. Bet Sicilian men take longer.
9.26 a.m.
Just borrowed Mum’s Chanel perfume and put it on my wrists.
10.12 a.m.
Also just put some on my neck.
10.34 a.m.
And the back of my knees. Weirdo Jen told me they were an erogenous zone.
12.01 p.m.
Right, I am going into GET READY MODE. Will write after the prom.
11.46 p.m.
PROM.
Can’t write.
WEDNESDAY 15TH JULY
5.22 p.m.
Being at school today was like being at the centre of massive smirk and whisper storm. TOTALLY CRAPTACULAR.
6.13 p.m.
My mum is officially evil. She may yet get her wish. I may never go out again and may die alone.
How could she have known? She must have asked. It’s the only way.
7.34 p.m.
Mum has been up – but I don’t want to talk to her. She says she thought she was genuinely buying me something nice and stylish (SHE SOUNDS OLDER THAN GRAN), and that how was she meant to know?
She knows. I can read her like a book.
8.13 p.m.
Dimple called my mob. She said it wasn’t that bad. I said that if it wasn’t that bad why did Miss Gorgeous Knickers nearly choke on her Diet Coke with laughter and why did everyone – including the teachers that were there – POINT AND LAUGH?!
9.23 p.m.
Teachers who laugh at pupils should be sacked immediately. They could easily scar me for life. I wouldn’t mind but NONE of them have a clue how to dress – Dr Richards came in once with WHITE SOCKS AND SANDALS.
And Mrs Bitchface Matfield once wore a catsuit. A catsuit when you are ancient is plain wrong – especially after two children!
THURSDAY 16TH JULY
4.01 p.m.
Everyone was STILL talking about me at school today. I know how Kate Middleton feels now.
5.14 p.m.
At least my real dad will never get to hear about this. It might put him off me for life.
6.23 p.m.
Dr Phil says sometimes writing things down can help the healing process.
Everything was going good till the man on the decks (who was ancient) started to play with his new £70,000 special effects machine. First there was smoke, which would have been the best snogging fog ever had I got that far with a man. Then there was this strobe thing that made us all look like we were dancing in slow motion, and then he put on this ultra-violet light that made everything white look VERY, VERY bright.
Including my VERY white padded bra.
Because mum had bought me a sheer top, EVERYONE could see EVERYTHING.
I ran out of the school hall, but by that stage it was too late and what’s worse the DJ refused to turn the light off as he said he was practising for when he got a residency in Ibiza and what was my problem anyway – girls like to show off their bras?
Yes – when there is something in them. Now the whole world knows I have NO TITS.
7.32 p.m.
Just said that to Mum. My brother overheard and said it’s been apparent to the world for many months that I am breastless.
8.23 p.m.
Goose has just been round. Apparently I am now a TOTAL LEGEND as the boys at school know me as the girl who flashed her bra – this apparently makes me cool.
Yeah, Mum – so your plan to keep me caged has gone horribly wrong. My underwear has become the star!!!
FRIDAY 17TH JULY
4.12 p.m.
BREAK UP!!!
MARVELLOUSNESS!!!
Rumour is that MGK’s boyfriend asked her if she could get a top like Hattie Moore’s as I looked “really sexy”. Dare I believe that I, Hattie Moore, am actually a sex symbol, and boys in their heads are doing rude things with me right now?!
That said, ALL clothes should be correctly labelled if they are likely to go see-through. I will bring it up with the NFPG!
5.37 p.m.
I hope no geekazoids are doing rude things with me.
SATURDAY 18TH JULY
5.23 p.m.
Done my packing – I’ve decided to take my see-through tit top, obviously. I have also taken some semi-smart clothes, as when I meet up with my dad I want to look sophisticated. I need him to know I am mature enough to cope with ALL the issues which are (I have googled all these):
abandonment
parental sabotage of a relationship with another parent
loss of self-esteem due to absence of a parent
infidelity (probably – my mum)
immature maternal figure
parent favouring eldest male child as he presents “no threat”
7.36 p.m.
Goose has just been round to wish me luck with my dad. He’s told me not to be disappointed if it doesn’t work out, as I was “actually great”. When I said, “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?” he just said, “TEXT ME.” Then he gave me one of his long looks.
Bet my REAL dad would love Goose. Everyone loves Goose.
NEXT TIME I WRITE THIS I WILL BE IN ITALIA, BABY!!!
OMG – will I have to call my dad “Papa” or something?!!
SUNDAY 19TH JULY
7.14 p.m.
NIGHTMARE FLIGHT.
I got sandwiched on the plane between these girls who were singing “Paparazzi” by Lady Gaga very loudly in weedy voices and two men having a conversation about an Air France crash – they kept saying this is the same model of plane and they’ve never found out what caused it to crash!
Ended up nearly puking with TOTAL FEAR, and even then Mum wouldn’t let me have a mini bottle of vodka to steady my nerves. French children are allowed wine when they are 3!
Now we are at the hotel, which is slightly Chav City – I have already seen about 7 fake Louis Vuitton bags. And there’s a teen club called “Chico Bambino” that Mum is FORCING me to join.
I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to meet my dad.
MONDAY 20TH JULY
8.23 a.m.
OMG, there’s karaoke tonight. PLEASE, PLEASE don’t let Rob do his version of “The Court of King Caractacus”.
Just off to Chico Bambino. If they make us do any craft activities with pasta shapes I may actually die.
2.42 p.m.
Chico Bambino may be the finest club ever invented.
There are only two members – me, and an Austrian boy called Jürgen Weber. He speaks English brilliantly and likes emo (Jen would go MENTAL for him). The club consists of a room with unlimited Internet access! TRIPLE YAY!!! Jürgen said he would love to help me find my dad as he enjoys a “superb relationship with his farter” (I know he means “father” but I am not correcting him – LOL!). Jürgen hates just sitting on a beach (like me!), hates karaoke (like me!) and would like to spend the rest of the week “assisting me” and looking at stuff on YouTube.
We both have to go to karaoke tonight though. Our parents are forcing us.
Misery caused by parents is international.
11.23 p.m.
Night of TOTAL SHAME. Rob’s “The Court of King Caractacus” got a standing
ovation. Even the waiters were doing the actions. Then Jürgen’s dad got up and did “Sex on Fire” by the Kings of Leon!!! And the worst thing was he got Jürgen’s mum up on stage and sang it to her – VILE!!!
