by Rae Earl
FATAL EMBARRASSMENT caused by parents is also international.
TUESDAY 21ST JULY
9.23 p.m.
Spent all day with Jürgen and HE spent ALL DAY telling me how cool my parents were. Apparently my mother is “kinda hot” (???) and my stepdad is “funny”.
I said, “YES, JÜRGEN, BUT he is not my REAL dad – SO LET’S FIND HIM.”
Jürgen says we should go into the town tomorrow and look for Carlos. I agreed but we are not doing this until I have put on some fake tan. My actual dad is going to meet his REAL daughter when she looks REALLY brown.
11.12 p.m.
I can hear my mum and Rob coming back from the bar. Mum is STILL singing. PLEASE tell me she didn’t do karaoke in front of everybody.
WEDNESDAY 22ND JULY
9.23 a.m.
Apparently Mum was the star of the show last night. Perhaps if I put on loads of fake tan I can actually change my identity and pretend she is not my mother.
10.12 a.m.
Apparently I have to exfoliate before I put fake tan on. They always say stuff like that. I will just have a good wash – that will do.
10.43 a.m.
This stuff stinks. I smell like a melon AND I have to be naked for 20 minutes.
11.26 a.m.
It’s drying a bit weird. Like more brown in some parts than others.
12.15 p.m.
OMG – I actually look stripy.
1.01 p.m.
I AM OFFICIALLY A TIGER. Craptacular. My real dad has a daughter that looks like she should be in a safari park.
1.05 p.m.
Jürgen just knocked – told him to come back later.
2.12 p.m.
Just HAD to let Jürgen in. He doesn’t like being late. Apparently that’s very Austrian. He says no dad would turn his daughter away for looking like a big cat. He obviously hasn’t met my real dad who hasn’t bothered with me since I was born and turned me away because I was born a baby.
He’s just gone back to his room to get his hat. Will write more after we’ve looked round town.
4.25 p.m.
OMG.
Walked round the town for ages. Saw lots of Italian men playing with their kids. ALL of them could have been my dad. Felt totally depressed and was about to go home when we saw it – a tiny barber’s shop called … “CARLO’S”. OMG. OMG. OMG. BUT IT WAS CLOSED!
The good news is, they open again tomorrow at 10 a.m. AND Jürgen can speak Italian. Not going to tell Mum about it OBVIOUSLY – but SO excited. What if it IS him?! What shall I say? I hope Jürgen’s Italian is good enough to say, “Dad – why did you abandon me as a baby? Is it because my brother is actually a total Satan and you couldn’t stand it any more?”
7.12 p.m.
Jürgen says he might need to refer to his phrase book as the only Italian he knows he learnt in his dad’s ski shop and it’s about padded jackets, snowboards or sex.
He is actually really mature. Much better than British boys.
7.43 p.m.
No, Mum, I do not want to come with you to watch you make a fool of yourself on karaoke. I am going to watch Pirates of the Caribbean in Italian and think about Dad.
8.12 p.m.
Can’t understand what the hell Johnny Depp is saying so just texted Goose about Dad and Jürgen. Told him Jürgen was helping me and that he was LUSH.
8.45 p.m.
Just got this back from Goose:
Hats – don’t get your hopes up. Gxx
Pissy or what? No mention of Jürgen and totally NEGATIVE. Must be on his boy period!
Anyway I can’t worry about Goose – he’ll always be around. My dad hasn’t been.
9.13 p.m.
Feel sick with nerves.
10.01 p.m.
Still feel sick.
THURSDAY 23RD JULY
1.23 a.m.
Now I can’t sleep AND I may VOM at any time.
4.32 a.m.
Have listened to music now for nearly 3 hours. I am so bored of Adele. Yes, you should give up, stop rolling in the deep and GET OUT OF MY ACTUAL LIFE.
7.36 a.m.
Told Mum I didn’t fancy breakfast. She asked if I was anorexic. I MISS 1 MEAL and she thinks I have an eating disorder. Everyone knows you have to miss at least 3 weeks of food AND faint in 2 PE lessons before the school nurse will let you even see the counsellor.
8.21 a.m.
Feel like vomming but hungry at the same time. This is what pregnancy must be like.
8.59 a.m.
Jürgen will be here in 1 minute. Here we go. My heart is really bumping.
12.53 p.m.
Goose was right. AND I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING – “we knew that was going to happen.” Yes WHATEVER. BUT you have to keep trying. If you didn’t know your real dad YOU WOULD. And yes I am upset so just … JUST JUST JUST…
4.56 p.m.
How many times do I have to write things down before everything becomes better?
Basically we got to Carlo’s and went inside. It was packed with men but I saw this middle-aged guy who really, really honestly did slightly look like me.
Jürgen was brilliant – he just went right over and said, “Carlo?” and this guy just burst into tears. I thought, OMG, he has been waiting for this moment. He knows!!! BUT then he said something that sounded like “Papa morto” – and pointed to a photo of this really old man above one of the big dryer things.
Basically Carlo died a couple of years ago at age 91. He’s not my dad.
I really can’t see my mum doing it with a massively old man. Rob is younger than her and everyone knows you shouldn’t have sex when you are over 60 as it could kill you.
Anyway we made a man cry and I didn’t find my dad. Craptacular-est day of all days.
Jürgen kept saying sorry and stroking my hair.
That was the only thing that wasn’t craptacular.
7.23 p.m.
Mum just asked me if I had been crying. I told her I had got Factor 30 in my eyes and to just go to karaoke and leave me alone.
So she did. Thanks, Mum – thanks for your support.
8.12 p.m.
Just thought: why is someone whose dad died 2 years ago still crying?
What AM I MISSING OUT ON?
FRIDAY 24TH JULY
9.14 a.m.
Mum just came in and said, “Hattie, stop MOPING!!! Get out, have some fun and get some sunshine!”
Whatever, Mum – I actually LOVE my bed right now and I am staying here.
10.01 a.m.
Jürgen just knocked. I’ve told him to come back at 1.
1.01 p.m.
Jürgen must be camping outside my door because he turns up at 1 o’clock TO THE SECOND. Must be as bored and lonely as me.
7.43 p.m.
Spent all afternoon with Jürgen. He wanted to google more Carlos but it’s like looking for a Prada bag in Primark. TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE and pointless.
Jürgen keeps stroking my hair. It’s nice.
9.34 p.m.
Texted Jen. She texted back and said that baboons stroke hair and groom each other to show sexual interest.
Dear Jen – I am not a baboon and I do not have a big red arse.
SATURDAY 25TH JULY
9.34 a.m.
Me and Mum just had a hugemongous row. She was furious when I told her about the barber.
She screamed, “GET CARLO OUT OF YOUR HEAD. YOUR DAD IS NOT CALLED CARLO and doesn’t LIVE HERE!!! We’ve come here because I have always wanted to visit Italy. YOU NEED TO FORGET ABOUT YOUR DAD and concentrate ON THE NOW!!!”
So I shouted, “BUT, MUM, here are the facts – while you are pretending to be Madonna every night I actually NEED A REAL FAMILY.”
And THEN Mum said, “I have NEVER done a Madonna song at karaoke” – like that is IMPORTANT!!!
She stormed out like she ALWAYS does. I’m not even upset any more – just angry and pissy and OVER IT.
Jürgen will be here soon. To stroke my hair. Like a monkey.
> 6.23 p.m.
I think Jürgen might fancy me. I can’t imagine snogging someone from another country. Except for Taylor Lautner and he’s American so not technically foreign.
10.03 p.m.
According to Jürgen, who heard it from his parents, Mum didn’t sing anything at karaoke tonight.
Why do I always end up feeling guilty about hurting her even when I have a really good point?
SUNDAY 26TH JULY
9.11 a.m.
Jürgen’s mum just asked Mum at breakfast why she didn’t sing last night. Mum said she didn’t feel like it, and looked at me.
Jürgen has invited me to a water park this afternoon. I usually hate swimming because of my lack of tits BUT I like slides, and Jürgen, so I am going to put my breasts out of my mind.
Like I have to put everything important to me out of my mind.
7.24 p.m.
OMG – DAY OF TOTAL HOTNESS!
I can’t believe what’s happened. Jürgen and me were having a real laugh at the water park. Then as we were both soaking wet wearing just our swimming costumes he said something in German and STARTED TO KISS ME.
We had this amazing wet snog that went on for ever. And Jürgen was putting his wet hands all over my wet back and it was like something out of a film. TOTALLY EROTIC!!!
He says we shouldn’t tell anyone yet but that we should go to the water park again tomorrow. LOL – oh yes, we should.
10.34 p.m.
Just been to karaoke. Actually quite enjoyed it – mainly because Jürgen kept winking at me.
11.13 p.m.
Keep smelling my arms. The smell of chlorine is such a turn-on to me now.
MONDAY 27TH JULY
8.34 p.m.
Jürgen and me got told off at the water park today for getting too “heavy” with each other in a public place. Jürgen said we must have been very, VERY heavy, as the Italians basically invented sex. What has happened to me? I’m like a Hotness Goddess. Texted Dimple – she was really happy for me but asked me to be careful.
I’m not going to have sex or anything, Dimple!!!
TUESDAY 28TH JULY
4.12 p.m.
Jürgen and I have been dry snogging all day today. It’s not as good.
Jürgen also told me that lots of Austrian girls lose their virginity early on. I told him I am not Austrian.
WEDNESDAY 29TH JULY
7.01 a.m.
I think Dr Phil would say I am snogging away my inner pain over my dad. Dr Phil, you are probably right but I am still going to the water park for UBER wet hotness.
6.34 p.m.
I feel bad writing this but I got a bit bored with wet snogging today. In fact I went on the mega-splash super slide 5 times while Jürgen watched. I think he might be slightly more into me than I am into him.
THURSDAY 30TH JULY
9.18 a.m.
Jürgen has told his parents that we are seeing each other. They are dead relaxed about it. I have told him that my parents would go mental so he has sworn his parents to secrecy.
10.34 p.m.
Jürgen’s parents got drunk tonight at karaoke and ended up telling Mum and Rob that we’d been kissing by the pool. Mum was furious.
They called her up to sing “Moves Like Jagger” by Maroon 5 but she refused just so she could sit at the table and tell me how disappointed she was that I couldn’t confide in her. LOL!
I said, “But, Mum, I didn’t think you were that interested in my life.” She went mental at this but I couldn’t hear what she was saying as Jürgen’s dad was doing his version of “Umbrella” by Rhianna.
FRIDAY 31ST JULY
9.42 p.m.
Mum has just given me a lecture about how my relationship with Jürgen is going nowhere and how I shouldn’t let it get serious.
In what can only be described as the best thing I have ever said, I told her I knew that it couldn’t go anywhere – but I was just enjoying the physical side.This is not strictly true as I am bored of wet snogging BUT I knew it would wind her up.
She said that once we were home we had to have a serious chat. Tell you what, Mum – you tell me about my dad and I will tell you about my hotness.
SATURDAY 1ST AUGUST
11.13 p.m.
Last day with Jürgen. We did some more snogging (my lips are actually chapped now), and then he did Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” at karaoke and dedicated it to me.
Mum was cross at him till Jürgen’s mum said, “Would you prefer it if Hattie sang it?” Mum didn’t say anything, but later on she mentioned to Rob that she didn’t want to keep in touch with the Webers as she thought they were “a bit continental”. And she quite fancied Cornwall next year.
SUNDAY 2ND AUGUST
5.23 p.m.
BACK HOME.
Well, I still haven’t met my dad. BUT right now, near Vienna, a boy is thinking of my hotness.
Jürgen was in tears when we said goodbye. He said, “Will I ever see you again?” I said yes – but I don’t know if it’s even possible, or if I even want it.
Surely if a relationship is going to work you can’t be bored of kissing them after less than a week?
7.12 p.m.
Goose has just been round. He was sorry about my dad but all he wanted to know about was Jürgen! When I said I didn’t think it was going anywhere, Goose said, “Yeah – he doesn’t sound right for you.”
And Goose is basing that on WHAT?!
MONDAY 3RD AUGUST
12.13 p.m.
Dimple and Jen came round. They both think Jürgen sounds gorgeous and I should probably think long term about him.
2.13 p.m.
I think there IS a way that we can keep our love alive. I have found out that a cheap airline actually flies to near where Jürgen lives – you can get a ticket from just 2p. It might be destiny that we are meant to be together.
2.43 p.m.
Just worked out if you include airport taxes, airline taxes, green taxes, the fee for luggage (I will need to take some clothes) and toilet taxes, a single fare comes to £328.47.
I think destiny is against us.
TUESDAY 4TH AUGUST
4.12 p.m.
Went to see Gran. Told her about Jürgen.
She said it was a classic holiday romance and I shouldn’t take it seriously. She reckons she had one with a waiter in Torremolinos in 1975. She nearly left Grandad for him.
When I asked why she didn’t, she said, “When I saw the amount of olive oil he put on his potatoes, Hattie, I knew it never could have worked.”
That has to be the most rubbish reason ever for not having a relationship.
6.01 p.m.
Actually I didn’t like the way Jürgen dipped bread in his hot chocolate.
6.43 p.m.
Or the way he ate oranges.
7.01 p.m.
The small things do affect a relationship. Jürgen and me are just going to be Facebook friends.
WEDNESDAY 5TH AUGUST
4.32 p.m.
Mum hasn’t said much to me since we’ve been back but today she asked if I still wanted to be a celebrity chef.
When I said yes, Mum said she’d decided that I am going to be helping her in the cafe. I know why she has made this decision:
It gives me less time to investigate my dad.
My wet snogfest has worried her.
When I said I shouldn’t even be working at my age she just shouted, “Hattie, do you want 20 extra pounds a week?”
Answer YES. So OFFICIALLY I am now being used for slave labour. And it starts TOMORROW.
THURSDAY 6TH AUGUST
5.13 p.m.
OMG, I have to wear a hairnet when I am preparing the sandwiches. When I complained that this was mental, Mum said, “Be thankful you haven’t got a moustache – or you would have to wear a moustache net too.”
7.05 p.m.
Was that Mum trying to tell me I have got a moustache?!
I do fear facial hair.
9.32 p.m.
FRIDAY 7TH AUGUST
4.43 p.m.
