Dear Professor

by Blaire Drake

  I pushed myself to standing as soon as I heard him take a step to the side. I looked at him just in time to see him zipping his pants back up and tucking his shirt in. His tie hung a little lopsided, and I raised my eyes from his neck.

  Our gazes collided with heart-thumping ferocity. The slow, sexy curve of his lips to one side did nothing to calm the quick two-step beat my heart had just taken up, but I didn’t dare to look away. Even if I had, I didn’t think I could have. His eyes were the net, and I was nothing but a tiny fish tangled up in him.

  “Seven o’clock tonight. My house. I’ll be waiting.”

  “What for?” I questioned as he walked toward the door without moving his eyes from mine.

  He unlocked the door, and the smirk he shot me was dirty. I sighed and grabbed my purse from the chair. Then I walked toward him. I reached for the handle at the same time that he grabbed my chin.

  His mouth touched mine, searing my lips with its fierceness.

  Another reminder.

  He pulled away as briskly as he had kissed me, but that still didn’t stop me from touching my thumb to my lower lip.

  “Remember,” he murmured, opening the door. “Seven. Don’t be late.”

  Dear Professor, what the hell? Xoxo, Darcy.

  I was confused—mostly because of myself. I wanted to hate him so badly, but my body and my mind were disjointed from one another. I hated him one moment, but then, the second our eyes met or he touched me, I forgot that fact.

  It was easy to forget. Too easy. Too easy to get swept up in his magnetism. Even when he was being an asshole, he had this crazy charisma about him.

  The nerves were consuming me. It was the way he’d looked at me this afternoon when he’d told me what time to be at his house. There’d been an evil glint in his eye that had told me that he was up to something… Something bad.

  I turned into his driveway, not knowing what I’d find.

  I wanted to go home, say fuck it, forget all the information I’d learned. I was stupid though. Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid. My mood had gone from crazy high to all-time low since I’d walked out of his office, and I had the most horrible feeling that it wasn’t about to get any better.

  A car I didn’t recognize was parked next to his SUV. It only heightened my nerves as I pulled up and got out of my car. What kind of trap was I walking into? Was I—

  Oh no.

  The third-party clause.

  I swallowed hard, my hand poised to knock at the door. He wouldn’t have, would he? It was supposed to be agreed before, mutually decided upon… But then I’d broken the agreement, so there was nothing to stop him.

  Shit.

  Shit, shit, shit.

  I forced myself to knock on the door. If I was right, there was no use running from this. I had the power of the veto, after all. I could say no and it wouldn’t happen. There was no point standing outside his door in the cold and dark when I could face the situation head on.

  The hallway light flicked on, illuminating the porch, and I fought the urge to run though I so desperately wanted to. Jordan’s shadow was visible through the windows in the door, and the lock turned from the inside.

  Expectation glimmered back at me from his eyes.

  “Evening,” he said.

  “Whose car is that?”

  “A friend’s.” He smirked.

  I shoved my way past him so I was standing in the middle of the room. “Cut the crap, Jordan.”

  If his smirk could have grown, it would have. He cupped the back of my neck and guided me into the front room, where a—by all accounts, very handsome—guy was sitting on the sofa. His dark hair was longer than Jordan’s, and his eyes a lighter blue.

  If he showed up at Dalton House for a show, I’d be the first in line.

  But this wasn’t Dalton House, and this wasn’t for a show.

  “Darcy, this is Liam. Liam, this is Darcy.” Jordan introduced us, now massaging my neck.

  “Nice to meet you.” Liam smiled. It was a pretty hot smile.

  “You too.” I tried to smile back, but it didn’t come. “Jordan, I think you need to explain to me what’s going on.”

  “I’m going to use the bathroom.” Liam’s lips tugged up, and he walked out of the room, leaving us alone.

  I turned and knocked Jordan’s hand away. “Tell me what’s going on. Now.”

  His bright eyes blazed back at me. Revenge glimmered in them, peppered with the shadows of determination. He took a step toward me and took my chin in his hand. He tilted my head back, his touch burning me.

  “You like being watched so much,” he rasped, “then you can be watched.”

  “What?”

  “Liam has offered his…services…to you tonight. You want me to watch you get fucked, Darcy, then I will.”

  Oh my God. “You’re a crazy bastard,” I whispered.

  Jordan’s lips twisted evilly, and he leaned in. His lips brushed my earlobe. “And, if you’re lucky, this crazy bastard might just let you suck his cock while you get fucked.”

  Heat bolted through me at his words. I couldn’t deny that his proposal was hot, but that didn’t solve anything, did it? It just gave him more power over me. There was only one option—I had to take things into my own hands.

  I looked to the door as Liam walked back in. I met Jordan’s eyes for a second before I stalked past him, right up to Liam.

  Then I grabbed his shirt, moved onto my toes, and kissed him. He was still with shock for a split second before he grasped my waist and pulled me against his body.

  And I felt…nothing.

  No warmth. No desire. No lust.

  It was just like I was fucking for work.

  Liam deepened the kiss, but all I could feel was screaming inside my head. Each one blared, Wrong, wrong, wrong! Nothing about this felt right—not the way his fingers dug into my sides or his tongue teased mine or his erection pushed against my thigh.

  He isn’t Jordan.

  The strength of that thought startled me, and I gasped. I pulled back from Liam and touched my fingers to my lips.

  “Is everything okay?” Liam asked.

  No. No, it wasn’t. Nothing was okay. It shouldn’t have mattered that it wasn’t Jordan. I was used to not feeling, no sensations. It should have been easy for me to go through the motions of having sex with this stranger.

  But I couldn’t.

  Because he wasn’t Jordan, and I didn’t want a stranger. I wanted Jordan.

  Lord help me… I only wanted my history professor. Despite everything. Touching anyone else just felt so wrong.

  “Darcy?” Jordan asked behind me.

  “No,” I whispered, stepping back and looking between the two men. “I won’t do this. I just… I can’t.”

  Jordan’s eyes narrowed, but Liam looked unaffected. The man would probably have someone else to screw within the hour. It sure as hell wasn’t going to be me.

  I pressed my hand to my mouth and darted past Liam, into the downstairs bathroom. There, I slammed the door and pressed my back against it. Emotion bubbled inside me, churning my stomach and tightening my throat.

  My eyes burned as tears threatened. Everything came crashing down on me at once with the force of a waterfall freefalling in the moment it tips over the edge. Griffin’s anniversary, my situation, my split-second recognition of my desire for the one man I couldn’t realistically have… It was an overwhelming wave.

  I squeezed my eyes shut as I slid down the door. My back ached with the movement, but it wasn’t quite as painful as the ache I felt inside. It was a mishmash of longing and desire and frustration and helplessness.

  God. I needed to leave. I needed to just…go. Somewhere. Anywhere but there, where he was on the other side of this door.

  I blinked my emotion back and stood. Yes. Leaving. That was the best thing I could do. I would deal with everything else in a few days when I was feeling so…so…raw.

  I pulled the door open and stopped. Jordan was standing right in f
ront of me, and although I wasn’t looking at him, I could feel his eyes searching my face.

  “Excuse me,” I whispered, stepping to the side.

  He stepped with me. “Darcy,” he said in a low voice, much softer than before. “He left.”

  “Just like I’m trying to do.” I stepped back the other way.

  Again, he stepped with me. He reached a hand out to my face and cupped my cheek. I closed my eyes. His palm was rough, just like his fingertips were as they ghosted across my skin and teased my hairline.

  “Talk to me.”

  “I don’t want to talk.” My voice cracked halfway through. “I want to go home, Jordan. Please let me go.”

  “No.” He cupped my other cheek so his hands were framing my face and tilted it back. His eyes found mine easily, and he took a deep breath. “Talk to me, Darcy. Something’s wrong.”

  “What gave it away?”

  “Your locking yourself in my bathroom, for a start.”

  I sniffed. “I didn’t lock it. Just stood against it.”

  His expression was stoic, but his eyes gave him away. In them, I saw the one thing I’d never seen before.

  Concern.

  “We need to talk,” he said quietly.

  Yes. We do.

  I pushed him off me and walked around him, into the front room. Yes—talk. That was what we needed to do. I needed to get everything off my chest, leave, then get my life back to the way it had been three weeks ago.

  “I know.” I turned back to him and put my hands on my hips. “I know about everything.”

  “You’re gonna have to clue me in here, sweet thing.”

  “The other girls. The ones before me. I met with Christina Wilson yesterday, and she told me everything.”

  He stilled, shock flashing in his eyes. “How did she know who you were?”

  “Because she’s, like, obsessed with you. And the girl you slept with last year? Hannah or Anna or whatever her name was? She knows her too.” I lifted my chin. “She told me that, if I report you, she’d back me up.”

  “And are you going to? Report me?”

  “Not if you give me my letter.”

  He stared at me. He didn’t so much as twitch as he unwaveringly held my gaze. “Nice try. Now tell me what’s really bothering you.”

  “That is what’s bothering me! Give me my letter and we can call quits on this whole dumb situation.”

  “You’re the worst fucking liar I’ve ever met, Darcy Hamilton.”

  “Carly Banks!” I yelled her name, and both words tasted like venom. I inhaled sharply as soon as they were out and wrapped my arms around my stomach. “I saw you. In your office. Yesterday.”

  “How long were you there for?”

  “Long enough that I know what I saw.”

  “And what was that? What did you see?”

  “You kissing her!” I ran my fingers through my hair, one arm still hugging my waist. “That’s all I needed to see. You blackmailed me and pinned me down to a piece-of-shit monogamous agreement that meant you owned me, but the whole time, you’ve been going around, fucking another woman! Another teacher!”

  He came toward me, but I backed up until I was against the wall. He didn’t stop walking. He simply kept moving until he was against me and I had nowhere to go.

  “Perhaps, if you’d stayed another ten seconds, you’d have also seen me pushing Carly away. Perhaps, if you’d stayed, you’ve have seen me tell her that there’s nothing between us and that she should leave. Then you’d have seen me demand she leave.”

  I glared at him. “I don’t care. I don’t believe for a second that you’ve followed the rules you set out for me.”

  “That’s why you did the show, isn’t it? You were spiting me.”

  “Fucking right I was! You can do what you want, yet I’m restrained to the boundaries of a thirteen-year-old girl? Are you for real?”

  Jordan pushed back. “Have I had a sexual relationship with Carly? Yes. Have I been with her since we began our sexual relationship?” He paused. “Once. Have I been with her since? No.”

  “You—oh my God!” I fisted my hair. “When?”

  “After you asked me about Amanda.”

  “Fuck,” I whispered, covering my eyes. After we’d had sex.

  Why does it hurt so fucking much?

  “I hate you,” I said, dropping my hands and staring at him. “I hate you so much. All of this—all of this shit, and for what? Fuck it. Keep the goddamn letter. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want a single thing from you.”

  He swept his arm out and grabbed me. I lashed out at him, my heart clenching painfully, but he was much stronger than I was. He circled my body with his arms and held me against him. My face was buried in his chest, and his signature scent—like fresh coffee beans and cinnamon—wrapped itself around me. I breathed him in, letting his very essence fill me up.

  For a moment, I forgot that it hurt. Whatever it was.

  “Darcy,” he murmured into my hair. “Listen to me. Five minutes, and then, if you want to leave, you can. And you can take your letter with you.”

  “Are you serious?” My voice was nothing but the barest whisper. I turned my head to the side.

  “Absolutely. I just ask that you let me explain.”

  His heart pounded against my cheek. It was a quick beat, like it had been spiked by adrenaline. Or maybe just emotion. All I knew was that my heart was beating just as desperately.

  “Five minutes,” I agreed.

  Jordan’s chest heaved as he took a deep breath. He loosened his grip on me and stepped back. “You know that Amanda died. What you don’t know is how that changed me. Suddenly, I had no one to look after anymore. No one to put to bed when they’d passed out on the sofa with an empty vodka bottle. No one’s liquor bottles to dispose of in various places so the problem wasn’t exposed. I hadn’t just lost my wife. I’d lost my purpose.” He let me go completely and rubbed his hand across his chin. His eyes were tortured.

  “You’ve never spoken about it, have you?”

  He shook his head. “I had to leave Colorado. I traveled for a year, looking for a job. I got lucky here. I happened to be in New York when I got the offer. It was a…simple choice. I’d always loved the Chicago area.” He put his hands on his hips and paced slowly. “I closed off from everyone. I refused to allow anyone close enough to me to have any kind of a personal relationship. I got wrapped up in base desires. It was sex. Pure and simple. Then I found Dalton Cam Girls.” He stopped walking and looked at me. “It was fucking perfect. I didn’t have to have any kind of relationship with anyone.”

  “You became a hermit,” I said softly. “How did you meet Christina?”

  “She was one of the girls on the site. I didn’t know she was my student until the first day of the semester. It was easy to get obsessed with her. Then, like you, when she needed her letter, it was easy to blackmail her.” He met my eyes. “I didn’t care. Same with Rhiannon. Same with you. Didn’t give a single fuck about what I was doing to you.”

  The hardness of his voice sent a chill down my spine.

  “I was hard and cold. My students all hated me—those two especially. Just like you.” He smirked, but there was nothing in his eyes that reflected it. “It was easy. There was no desire there for anything more than sex.”

  “Carly?”

  “Same thing. Drunken staff meeting. A one-off.”

  “Except it happened twice.”

  “Yes. I didn’t mean for it to happen after we’d entered into our agreement. I’m a bastard, but not unreasonable.”

  “You don’t think demanding sex in exchange for a letter already earned is unreasonable?”

  His eyes narrowed. “That’s not the point we’re discussing.”

  “You’re right. Please carry on with your explanation as to how reasonable you are by blackmailing a student into sleeping with you and remaining faithful to that sexual partner.”

  “Don’t push me, Darcy.”

&nbs
p; “Don’t push me. You’re not the only one in possession of information that could fuck stuff up. Three student relationships plus one with a colleague?” I raised my eyebrows.

  “It was simple until you,” he growled. Anger radiated off him in waves. “Something about you… I wanted to break you. Snap you in two. I was fucking obsessed with you, Darcy. It was an all-consuming need to feel you. To touch you. To own you.” His fists clenched and unclenched a few times. “And then you brought her up. Amanda. You’d managed to do what no one else had. You don’t know it, but that day, you changed every single thing about this relationship. You made me feel again. You forced me to remember and relive the pain I’d ignored for so many years.”

  “I don’t understand how this pertains to my needing to listen to you.”

  He wiped his hand down his face and hit me with a paralyzing, strong glare. “You made me remember what it was like to care about someone, because I fucking cared about you. You buried yourself in my skin. You became more than just someone I had sex with. You became someone I wanted to spend time with just because I fucking could. Shit—you are that person.”

  “So, why would you do this tonight? Why would you try to make me have sex with another man right in front of you?”

  “Because I needed something!” Jordan’s voice cracked. “I needed some kind of power over you, because damn it, Darcy. You make me feel powerless. You make me weak.”

  His words were like a bullet to my heart—except they didn’t wound it. They wrapped around it and hugged it tight.

  “I don’t understand,” I whispered. “If that’s true, when why did you sleep with Professor Banks?”

  “I needed something that meant nothing. Between you and my damn memories, I was overwhelmed. I needed to step away from the shit and do something that didn’t mean a thing to me.”

  I exhaled quietly and looked down. “Did you regret it?”

  “Every fucking second. I hated myself for what I needed. I hated every second because she wasn’t you.”

  A lump formed in my throat, and I tried to swallow it down. “That’s why I couldn’t do it.”