Red Tape

by Michele Lynn Seigfried

  I couldn’t control myself. I found this hysterical. “Do Mitchell,” I said.

  “I’m gonna blow out a tire, there’s a pothole in the road. I’m gonna blow out a tire, a tire, a tire. There’s a pothole, a pothole, a pothole,” she sang.

  “Giuseppe?”

  “The renters are loud, the renters are loud…the renters, the renters, the renters are loud.”

  “Triggers?”

  “You got the red tape, you got the red tape, I need my dunes, and you got the red tape.”

  “We can call the album, Sunshine Rapping.”

  We were laughing so hard, I almost missed Mr. Cutie walking by. He waved.

  “Hello, ladies!”

  “Hi, Officer Williams,” I said.

  I snapped out of my momentary dream world and turned to Bonnie. “Speaking of Mr. Triggers, can you believe he wasn’t at the last meeting? What’s that all about? I think he’s up to something.”

  “Yeah, that’s strange. He hasn’t missed any council meetings since he started coming to them. Maybe he woke up and got himself a life.”

  I went into my office to get some work done. My mind was filled with questions of what could have happened with the safety paper. I was about to make the phone call to Tex when I heard Bonnie.

  “Oh no! You son-of-a-bitch!”

  “What? What’s wrong?”

  “This freaking computer! I typed that whole set of meeting minutes. Three freaking hours of my listening to these crazy people talking and the damn thing didn’t save.”

  I looked at my own computer screen and saw an error message: Your network connections have been lost.

  “I’ll call our computer IT company and see what’s up,” I said to Bonnie. I picked up the phone to dial the help desk.

  “Phones are out too,” I told Bonnie.

  I reached into my purse and pulled out my cell phone. I wasn’t sure if the two problems were interrelated, but I opted to call the computer company first. The man on the other end of the phone said that from his end, it appeared the server was disconnected. He asked me to go see if it was turned on. I went down the elevator to the basement to see what was going on in the server room. All the lights were on and everything looked normal to me, which wasn’t saying much. I didn’t know a thing about computer servers. I went back upstairs and reported my findings. They told me they would send out a tech to look at it right away.

  “See, I told you Triggers was up to something,” I said jokingly to Bonnie. “Didn’t you tell me he was a retired computer tech? He probably spent the last couple of weeks learning how to get into our computers just to mess up your meeting minutes.”

  “No, I told you he was in a biotech field,” Bonnie explained.

  “Oh, my bad.”

  “Bye, ladies!” I heard Officer Williams say.

  “Bye, Mike,” I called out.

  “Oh, are you on a first name basis with him suddenly?” Bonnie asked me mockingly.

  “Oh lord, don’t start with me. Sometimes I call him by his first name; depends on my mood.”

  “I know what your mood is.”

  “What?”

  “Hot and horny. When was the last time you did it, anyway?”

  “None of your business, that’s when.”

  “Hmm, let me guess…the baby is around seven months old and you were pregnant for nine months…”

  “Knock it off, Bonnie.”

  “I’m just saying…you’re stressed out and a little game of hide the sausage would do you wonders.”

  “Eww, did you seriously say that? I should fire you.”

  “You love me; you’d never fire me.”

  True. I’d never fire her. She was a dedicated and loyal employee. She was meticulous with her work. It was hard to find good help, so I overlooked most of her inappropriate comments. Plus, she put a smile on my face.

  “Since you can’t type meeting minutes now, why don’t you head down to Rodney’s office and find out if anyone reported the phones not working?” I asked.

  She threw down her pen and hustled out of the office. I called over to the police station from my cell phone. The non-emergency number wasn’t working. Bonnie came back and reported that Verizon was sending out a tech to look at the phones. I told Bonnie I was heading over to the police department to talk to Tex.

  I took my cell phone with me and walked across the parking lot. I approached the dispatch window and asked if Detective Texidoro was in. The dispatcher said he was, then he buzzed me through. I headed back to the detective area to find Tex in his office.

  “Desk duty today?” I asked him.

  “Yeah, I’m trying to catch up with everything. What’s up?”

  “When the FBI raided the municipal building this year, did they leave behind a list of records that they took from my office?”

  “I have a copy of something; let me go get it. But before I do that—why are you asking?”

  “Remember I told you about that missing safety paper? We haven’t come across it yet and I wanted to make sure the Feds didn’t take it before I notified the New Jersey State Registrar of Vital Statistics.”

  Tex left the room and came back with some papers in his hand. He said, “I don’t see it listed here on the log of what they took, but I have a contact phone number if you want that.”

  “Please and thank you,” I said.

  He handed me the phone number and I turned to leave, but I remembered something.

  “By the way, did you get the fingerprint results yet?” I asked Tex.

  “Yes, they were inconclusive. The perp or perps probably wore gloves both during the robbery and while tampering with the HVAC system.”

  “Do you think it’s Mr. Triggers? The man always seems to be around when something goes haywire.”

  “We are investigating that.”

  I headed back to my office. I asked Bonnie if anything was working yet. She said, “No.”

  I picked up my cell phone and dialed the number Tex gave me. It was for Special Agent Salvatore Romeo. I got his voice mail, so I left him a message explaining why I was calling.

  I felt a little lost with no computer, no email, and no phone. It was like being back in the Dark Ages. I had become so accustomed to working with all the new technology, there wasn’t much for me to do. I started to review the agenda items for Friday’s deadline.

  It took several hours, but finally, the computer and phone companies arrived on site to fix our issues. By four thirty, they were still working on the problems, so I left for the day.

  Later that evening, I had put Mandy to bed and was enjoying a glass of white wine when my cell phone buzzed. It was a number I didn’t recognize.

  “Hello,” I answered.

  “Ms. Alton? This is Special Agent Salvatore Romeo. You had left me a message earlier. I’d like to meet with you confidentially. When do you think you’d be able to set up an appointment?”

  “I guess next week will be fine.”

  “I’ll contact you again with a firm date and time.”

  “Wait, before you hang up, I believe I should notify the state registrar about the safety paper. Do you have it?”

  “We do not have it and that is why I’d like to meet with you.”

  “Okay, thanks. Should I go forward and report the paper missing?”

  “Yes. We can bring the state registrar up to speed next week as well.”

  “Okay, thanks, bye,” I said. The phone disconnected. Gee, I thought, he didn’t even say goodbye. It sounded to me like he knew something about the safety paper. I wondered if that was what the raid was about. Perhaps the safety paper was stolen and not missing.

  I stayed awake half the night. It was like a hamster was in my head, running on his wheel, and I couldn’t fall asleep with my mind spinning.

  What reasons would someone want to steal safety paper? To create a fake ID? I wondered if any of our younger employees, those under twenty-one, would be taking the paper so that they could go out drinking.
Were there any illegal immigrants working for the town, who needed to fake their birth certificates? Since you have to be a US citizen to work for our town, that idea wasn’t plausible. Was anyone selling IDs for money?

  I noted a list of suspects in my head. Bonnie? I didn’t see what incentive Bonnie would have to take the paper. She certainly didn’t need money. Rodney? Maybe he needed money. He had missed a lot of work and with all his medical bills—that could be a possibility. Mr. Triggers? Besides the break-in, I didn’t see how he would have had access to our office, unless the office was broken into back before April. Unlikely, though. I think the locked fireproof cabinet where the paper was kept would have been damaged. The exterminators? Nope, the paper was missing before then.

  I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. I didn’t want to go around wrongly accusing anyone with my wild ideas. I wanted to wait to talk to the FBI to see what their take was.

  Chapter 10

  It was hump day and it was nice to be halfway through the week already. I walked in to work to find Rodney having a conversation with the mayor. They were saying something about the phones lines being slashed and computer hacked into. Keeping my big mouth shut would have probably been a good idea, but something came over me and I couldn’t control myself.

  “Are you freaking kidding me? Something else was tampered with? Do either of you even care about our safety? This is the third incident since I’ve been back from leave. Fourth incident if you count the fire last March. What is it going to take for you people to do something, like put in a decent alarm system? It’s bad enough that the fire alarms go off every week! When is that going to be fixed? And maybe the public shouldn’t have access to areas like the phone room and computer room. How about putting up some cameras? Are you going to wait for someone to be held at gunpoint before you get moving? I know government is historically slow, but this is ridiculous. We shouldn’t have to work under these conditions.”

  I stomped back over to the clerk’s office and slammed the door behind me. Bonnie could tell I was furious.

  “What’s wrong?” Bonnie asked.

  “This place is pissing me off,” I said. “Someone messed with the computers and phones; they didn’t malfunction by accident.”

  “You’re kidding me.”

  “No, I’m not, and I just gave Rodney and the mayor a piece of my mind. Maybe if Mr. High-as-a-Kite came back down to Earth once in a while, we’d have some security measures in place. We are the ones that have to deal with all the problems—cleaning up after floods and robberies, not being able to get our work done. I don’t feel safe working here anymore.”

  “The police are right across the street.”

  “Yeah, and if someone came in here with a gun, they would blow our heads off before the police put down their donuts.”

  “Get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?”

  Maybe I was in a mood. Perhaps it was PMS, sleep deprivation, or the stress from work. Was it the anxiety over the upcoming FBI interview or a little bit of all of the above? I started to think I never should have left my job as a deputy clerk in another town. There was no drama there. No foul play. No crazy residents. If I were there, my boss would be handling everything and I’d just be doing my work, collecting a paycheck.

  “I’m sorry; I’m in a mood. Wasn’t your anniversary yesterday?”

  “Yup,” Bonnie said.

  “I am so sorry I forgot. Happy anniversary!”

  “Thank you!”

  “Did you do anything special?”

  “Well…let me start by saying, I got my dreams fulfilled.”

  “Oh really? How? Did Jayce buy you something nice?”

  “Not exactly. Let’s just say I got a gorgeous firefighter to show up at my door and rescue me in my bedroom.”

  “What are you talking about? You didn’t cheat on Jayce, did you?”

  “No. The kids were at a sleepover, so I decided to plan a romantic evening for Jayce. I went out and bought a very expensive red lace negligee with matching thong lace panties.”

  “Do I want to hear this story?” I said sarcastically.

  “Are you going to let me finish?” Bonnie asked, then she continued. “I placed rose petals all over the bed and lit red candles to set the mood.”

  “I can almost see where this is going.”

  “No, you can’t. Now stop interrupting. Where was I? Oh yeah, so Jayce took one look at me in that sexy nighty, and he threw me down on the bed, ripped off my panties, and started making mad passionate love to me. I’m not sure when it happened, but all the banging must have made one of the candles fall onto the floor. I noticed flames going up the curtains, and smoke. I screamed and ran into the bathroom to get water. I only had a cup, so I filled it up with water from the sink and threw it at the flames, then ran back a couple more times to get more water. Jayce ran into the bathroom to try to help and he slipped on the water that I had dripped onto the floor. His feet flew out from under him and he cracked his head on the tile floor. He was just lying there, bare naked, with his head bleeding.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I did what any dedicated wife would do. I admired his hot body for a beat, then remembered I should call 9-1-1.”

  “Oh, my god,” I said, trying to hold back my laughter. “Did they show up when you were naked?”

  “No, silly, I threw on a robe.”

  “What about Jayce?”

  “Oh, I threw a washcloth over his privates.”

  “Was he conscious?”

  “Sort of…well, not really. He was a little out of it. I think he had a concussion.”

  “Did the EMTs know what the two of you were in the middle of when the fire started?”

  “I’m not sure, but who cares if they did? I mean, we’re married. People have to expect that we do the deed sometimes.”

  “What about the fire?”

  “Oh, I think I put it out before the firefighters got there, but it was still smoldering, so my dream guy came in and shot the curtains with a fire extinguisher. I was awful tempted to take off my robe and thank him.”

  “Oh lord, you are too much! Did Jayce go to the hospital?”

  “No, I think he was too embarrassed since he works there. He refused treatment. Told them he was a doctor and he knew he’d be fine.”

  “Do you have a lot of damage to the house?”

  “Not really. I have a contractor there today, fixing it up as good as new. I wanted to redecorate anyway.”

  “Bonnie, I have to tell you, that has got to be the funniest story I’ve heard in a long time. The EMTs were probably laughing at you two all weekend.”

  “I know, it was pretty darn funny!”

  I plopped down in the chair at my desk. I was much calmer than I was a little while before. Bonnie had a way of making me smile. I booted up my computer and saw that we were back up and running. I didn’t think to ask during my tirade if everything was fixed. I started to think about contacting the state registrar. The current registrar was a man named Charles Alfred. I didn’t know him personally, but I had heard him speak once at a seminar. It was nearly impossible to get in touch with him. He was dealing with over five hundred towns at any given time on the phone, so I opted for an email message. I knew he quickly responded to email.

  I told him that it had come to my attention that some of our safety paper was missing. I provided him with the sequential numbers of the sheets I presumed were gone. I informed him that the FBI was aware of the situation and would probably like to speak with him. I asked for further instruction.

  Within a nanosecond, I received a reply: You have reached the NJ Department of Health, Bureau of Vital Statistics and Registration. The Bureau will be closed from August Thirteenth through August 31st on furlough. We appreciate your email and we will reply on or about September 4th.

  I heard a knock on the edge of my open office door. It was the mayor. I suddenly felt warm around the collar, wondering if I was going to get reprimanded for
my little outburst.

  “You can come in,” I said.

  She came in and sat at the chair opposite my desk. “Chelsey, I know you are under a lot of stress. I assure you, in next year’s budget, we will look into additional safety precautions. We spent a lot of money on the new HVAC system and we don’t have money to spare to address the other issues. It’s not in the budget at the moment for security cameras, or to hire an employee to stand guard at metal detectors into the building. For the time being, the police are on alert and they will be patrolling this building more frequently. We are hoping the police catch the criminal or criminals and the problems will not reoccur. Meanwhile, if you can come up with any suggestions for safety that we may have overlooked, please let me know.”

  “Other towns have swipe cards to enter and exit the building and office areas. They record who has been in and out, and the time. Perhaps if we had those, we would be able to tell if any employees were involved,” I told her.

  “Okay, we can certainly look into that. Why don’t you research the costs and provide me with an estimate. Anything else?”

  “How about a panic button for our office?”

  “We may be able to do that now. I’ll ask the police chief to tell me how difficult that is.”

  “That would make me feel a little safer, but I sincerely hope you give careful consideration to getting a new alarm system now and not waiting for another year. You could purchase a system now as an emergency, then fund it in next year’s budget. If you are planning on paying for it next year anyway, then it shouldn’t matter if you install it immediately.”

  “Okay, Chelsey. I will ask Rodney to research that. Meanwhile, how did you make out with the safety paper?”

  I told her that I tried to contact someone at the State, but apparently, they have been placed on a furlough until Labor Day, so I would have to wait until September to talk to them. I purposely omitted the information about my upcoming meeting with the FBI. I worried that she would tell someone, who would tell someone else. I feared the news would get back to someone it shouldn’t.

  The mayor said, “I know our budget is tight this year, but at least we didn’t have to furlough our employees like the State did to make ends meet.” She stood up to leave my office, but turned back and looked at me one last time. “You look exhausted,” she said, “I think you should take a mental health day tomorrow. Go home, relax, get some sleep. We’ll see you on Friday.”