Firecracker

by Firecracker (retail) (epub)

  “So what do you do for a living, Arden?”

  “Well, right now I’m working as a waitress at a pub.”

  Mom blinked. If she said one goddamn word that was insulting to Arden, he’d lose his shit. Protectiveness surged through him.

  “It’s not what I want to do forever, but I was in kind of a bad financial situation when I moved back, so I needed to find a job right away. Turns out, I enjoy it. And I’ve just started doing a little catering.”

  “Catering,” Mom repeated, nodding, her face expressionless.

  Tyler’s gut tightened.

  “Yes.” Excitement lit up Arden’s eyes. “I love entertaining and cooking and baking. Basically I like feeding people.” She laughed. “I never thought of making a career out of it, but I’m thinking of giving it a shot.”

  She told Mom about her ideas for using local vendors, her enthusiasm contagious. Pride expanded in his chest as she talked.

  “Well, that sounds really promising,” Mom said with a smile.

  Arden lifted a shoulder, smiling. “We’ll see, I guess. But it’s nice to have a sense of direction. After my husband died, everything felt a little…aimless.”

  “I’m sorry for your loss,” Mom said quietly. “So tragic to lose your husband at such a young age.”

  Arden nodded. “Thank you. It was really difficult.”

  Tyler wished he could tell his mom the whole story so she’d know how amazing Arden was, but that was her story to tell, if or when she wanted.

  “Well,” he said. “We should get going.” He and Arden stood, and Mom rose too.

  “Come again, please.” Mom touched Arden’s arm. “Maybe for Sunday dinner one weekend when Ty’s not working.”

  She liked Arden.

  Fuck yeah.

  This wasn’t why he’d brought Arden here with him. Or maybe it was. Maybe he hadn’t even realized that he’d wanted his mom to meet Arden. That he’d wanted her to like her. And now he knew she did…

  “That would be so nice, thank you,” Arden said, though he sensed her hesitance. “Hopefully we can work that out.”

  Noncommittal.

  Enough of this. He was losing patience. He’d tried to back off a little, so she’d have time to accept what was happening between them. He wasn’t some kind of woo-woo guy, but it almost felt like this was meant to be…from the time they were teenagers and he’d crushed on her…no other woman he’d dated or had a relationship with had ever been right. It had all been leading to this. To this woman. To right now.

  He drove through the dark streets to their home, trying to figure out how he was going to do this. Where. What to say.

  “You’re so quiet.” Arden reached over and curled his fingers around one of his hands.

  He glanced at her and smiled. “Is that unusual?”

  “No.” She rubbed her thumb over his hand. “You’re not a loudmouth.”

  He barked out a laugh. “Gee, thanks.”

  “It’s one of the things I like about you. You talk when you have something to say, not just to fill the void or hear yourself talk.”

  Oh, he had something to say all right. He was practically vibrating with it.

  His insides twisted up. How was she going to take this? She had to feel something too. The way things had been going between them…easy and comfortable, yet still lots of smoking hot sparks. Nights he was off, they spent together, either in her bed or his. They were in and out of each other’s apartments all the time, even though her bathroom was now fully functional. He brought her her favorite organic wine, and she made him muffins.

  He parked behind the house, and they entered through the rear door, then climbed the stairs. As usual he let her go in front of him, partly out of chivalry, partly because he enjoyed watching her ass in her snug jeans.

  “You have to work in the morning?” she murmured at the top of the stairs.

  If he worked, they usually went to her place so he could sneak out early and she could get more sleep. “Nope.”

  “Your place or mine?”

  “Mine,” he said gruffly.

  “Okay.”

  He led her into his apartment, rubbing his hands together. Christ, his palms were sweating. “Let’s make out,” he blurted, the first thing that came to mind.

  She flicked on a lamp and smiled at him over her shoulder. “Thought you’d never ask.”

  He grinned, his nerves easing slightly. She was fucking perfect.

  He slid a hand over her ass and squeezed, then grabbed her and pulled her down onto the couch onto his lap. He lifted her legs across his, cupped her face with one hand and kissed her. Her mouth opened to him soft and warm, her taste as always was like a drug, shooting through his veins and making him high. His dick thickened and he shifted their bodies around, fitting her to him. His hand slid down, fingertips trailing over her throat, then he found her breast. That lush softness made him crazy. He hardened, heat pouring through him.

  “Mmm.” She slid her mouth along his stubbled jaw. “Such a good kisser.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  She smiled, rubbing his chest. “Watching you play baseball made me hot.”

  “Seriously?” He kissed the corner of her mouth.

  “Totally. You were all muscular and sweaty out there, hitting home runs and sliding into first base.” She breathed in, as if inhaling him. “Almost as sexy as fighting fires.”

  “You’ve never seen me fight a fire.” His voice came out strangled as she slid her hand to his groin and pressed.

  “No. But I’ve seen you in your uniform. That’s hot too.”

  “Arden. Christ, Arden…I have to tell you…” Was this how he’d planned it? He couldn’t even remember. His mind was shot, she had him all hot and bothered. “I have to tell you…I love you.”

  She went very still against him. He moved in for another kiss, but she turned her head. “Tyler…”

  “Don’t say anything. I know it’s soon. I’ve been trying to take things slow, because I know you weren’t ready for another relationship so soon—”

  “Not ever!” She pushed back and he tried to focus on her. She stared at him wide-eyed. “I don’t want a relationship ever!”

  He tried to keep his face neutral, but knew he’d failed when she squeezed her face up and said, “Oh shit. Shit.”

  He sucked in a breath.

  “I’m handling this really badly,” she muttered. “I’m sorry.”

  “Look, you don’t have to say it back.” Fuck he sounded desperate. Desperate and pathetic. This was not how he wanted to come across. “I know you feel something, Arden. I know it.” He lifted her hand and pressed it to his chest. His heart. Which was crashing against his sternum. “We’ve got something great here, baby. Just admit that. Just go with it. I want us to…I just want you to know how I feel. I love you.”

  “Oh God. Oh my God.”

  Yeah, that didn’t really sound good.

  Arden closed her eyes, her face looking like someone was pulling out her fingernails. “You can’t. You can’t love me.”

  His heart dropped like a stone. “Talk to me, Arden. What’s going on?”

  “Shit, Tyler. I told you before…” She pushed away from him, scrambling off his lap and back into the corner of his sectional like a cornered animal. “I’m trying to get my life together. Figure out who I am. What I want to do.”

  “So do it. What’s stopping you?”

  “You!” She pressed her lips together and gazed at him. “You,” she said more quietly. “You’re stopping me. I can’t lose myself again.”

  He felt like someone had just plunged a jagged blade into his chest and twisted it. He stared at her. “That’s fucking bullshit. I love you. I want to look after you. I want to walk you home and make sure Liam is treating you right and help you set up your business and—”

  “Don’t you see that I need to do that for myself?” She twisted her fingers together. “I don’t need a hero. I need to be my own hero. I’ve said that to
you, and you keep not listening. You’re always trying to jump in and fix things for people. You know what happened to me. You know how important it is to me to stand on my own two feet and get my life together.”

  “Is that really what you think? That I’m the one who’s stopping you from doing that?” He lifted his chin, his jaw set. “You think you’re the only one trying to figure things out? You’re not. We all are. You’re just not being honest.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Arden glared at Tyler, actual spots flashing in front of her eyes. Her breath had all left her body and her chest strained. For a moment she couldn’t even speak.

  She tried to swallow, tried to breathe. Her hands curled into fists. “That’s not true,” she whispered. “I am honest. I’m not lying.”

  “Arden…” His face contracted and he reached out a hand.

  She couldn’t let him touch her. Her chest now burned like a hot knife was slicing through it. But she didn’t want him to know that. She didn’t want him to know how much his words hurt her.

  She’d tried so hard not to feel sorry for herself, not to dwell on the negatives, not to let her past drag her down. She’d told herself over and over again that life was good and precious, and she was strong enough to get through it all and one day she’d figure out where she was going. Lately she’d started to feel like she was getting there.

  So for him to say that to her…that she wasn’t being honest…that hurt. “You’re the one who’s full of shit.” She tossed her hair back, straightened her legs and slid off the couch. “I’m sorry if you thought there was more between us than there is. I’m sorry I gave you the wrong impression. But don’t make me feel like crap because…because…” She couldn’t say it. “Don’t blame me. I’ve blamed myself for enough stuff. But I’ve never lied to you.”

  “Arden.” His voice was low and rough, his face drawn into tight lines. “I never said you lied to me.”

  She shook her head, sliding her hands into her hair. “Fuck! I knew we shouldn’t have done this.” She sucked in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

  She’d just told him not to blame her, and yet she was apologizing. On some level she recognized that this was fucked up. Whatever.

  “I didn’t want things to be messed up for all of us,” she choked out as she stumbled toward the door. “For Jamie and Mila. I-I’ll figure out something…” Her voice was going shaky and thin as tears threatened. She had to hold it together.

  “Arden.”

  She stopped and leaned her head against the wall next to the door, her hand on the doorknob.

  “You need to be honest with yourself.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut. What the hell did that mean? “Sure.” What the hell was she supposed to say now? Goodbye? There was going to be no avoiding each other, living right across the hall from each other. Thanks for the memories. And the great sex. She finally settled on, “Good night, Tyler.”

  She wrenched open the door, shut it, and staggered across to her own place. Inside, it was blessedly dark and quiet. He wouldn’t follow her, would he?

  She turned the deadbolt lock on the door—something she hadn’t done since she’d first moved in.

  Probably not needed. Why would he follow her? She’d just crushed him. He’d told her he loved her, and she’d rejected him. What could be worse than that?

  She closed her eyes again as pain washed down through her in a river of heat.

  He didn’t really love her. He couldn’t. He’d be fine.

  Wait…another slice of pain burned through her. Or maybe that was shame. Was that what he meant about being honest with herself? Was she telling herself lies to make herself feel better about hurting him?

  Oh God, she was a terrible person. A terrible, awful person. She hadn’t been able to keep a marriage together, and now she couldn’t even have a fling without it becoming a complete goat fuck.

  Her face wet with tears, she made her way into the bedroom through the dark, a hand on the wall. She didn’t want light. She wanted her bed, covers pulled over her head, while she tried to figure out how she was going to put her life back together…again.

  She slept like crap, tossing and turning and having the same dream over and over. She couldn’t even remember what the dream was, but it had been disturbing. In the morning, she dragged herself out of bed and into the bathroom.

  God, she looked like crap too, mascara smeared around her eyes, which were red and swollen. Her nose was pink, her lips puffy. It all could’ve been from a night of wild sex, except that the slope of her eyebrows and the downward tilt of her lips radiated sadness.

  She washed her face, finishing with cold water, her heart like a stone in her chest, her stomach tight. She had to work at noon today, a nice early shift she’d usually be glad for because it meant she’d have an evening off to do something with Tyler or with her friends.

  How could she face any of them after what she’d done to Tyler? Jamie was going to be so pissed at her. Probably they all would be. And she totally deserved it.

  Once again, she was falling into that blame game. What she’d told Tyler was true…she had been honest with him. She’d told him she wasn’t ready for a relationship. She’d let him talk her into going on that date…and then everything had just kept going. He was the one who hadn’t been honest. He’d told her he didn’t want a relationship either, but clearly he did. And now everything was fucked up.

  So why did she feel so guilty?

  Because it wasn’t his fault. It was her fault for letting things progress to the point he wanted more than she could give.

  She wanted coffee, but couldn’t stomach eating anything before dressing for her shift at Shenanigans, trying to hide puffy eyes with dark eye shadow and loads of concealer. Bright blusher and some shiny lip gloss would help too.

  Liam eyed her as she walked into the empty Shenanigans. “Jaysus. You look like you’ve got a bad case of the Irish flu.”

  Or maybe not.

  She fluffed her hair. “Gee, thanks.”

  “Rough night, love?” His forehead creased as he studied her face.

  “Wasn’t the best.” She sucked in a breath and squared her shoulders. “I’m afraid I have to give my notice.”

  “Notice of what?”

  “Of quitting. I have to quit. I don’t know how much notice you need, but it would be great if today could be my last day.”

  “What the fuck are you going on about?” Liam’s jaw jutted. “You can’t quit.”

  “Who’s quitting?” Sorcha appeared. “Just when we hired a bunch of new people, someone quits. Of course, we can never get ahead of things.”

  “I’m quitting,” Arden said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

  Sorcha’s mouth fell open wide enough to see her molars. “What? Why?”

  “I’m going to Florida.”

  Brother and sister now both gaped at her. “Florida?” Sorcha finally said.

  “Today?” Liam added.

  “No.” She tried for a breezy smile, showing her teeth. “Tomorrow.”

  “Ah.”

  “You can’t quit,” Sorcha said. “You’re the best waitress we’ve ever had. Besides me, obviously.”

  “Obviously.”

  “This seems a little rash,” Liam said. “Something is clearly arseways.”

  One corner of Arden’s mouth kicked up. “I love you, Liam.”

  “Then why the fuck are you quitting?” he yelled.

  “Don’t yell at me!”

  “I’m not yelling!”

  “You’re both yelling,” Sorcha shouted.

  Arden clamped her mouth shut, her bottom lip quivering. Dense silence filled the bar. “I have to go,” she finally said. “I messed up. I got involved with Tyler. I should have known better.”

  Waves of displeasure radiated off Sorcha, who gave her a slitty-eyed, thin-lipped look, arms crossed.

  Arden rested her forehead into her shaking hand.

  “A chara.” Liam cam
e around from behind the bar, slid his arm behind her shoulders, and led her to a table. He eased her down into a chair and pulled one up for himself. “Talk to me.”

  She laid her head down on her arms on the table and rolled her forehead back and forth. “I just told you what happened.”

  “You told me nothing. I already knew you and Tyler were involved. What’s the problem with that?”

  She had no clue what to say that, acutely aware of Sorcha’s simmering presence nearby. “Let’s just say we ended things. It’s super awkward living right across the hall from him. He’s my brother’s best friend. I knew that, I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him.”

  Liam rubbed her back. “I’m sorry.”

  “Thanks.”

  “So that’s why I have to quit. Because this is his hangout place. I can’t be here.”

  “Shit.”

  Arden’s head jerked up to look at Sorcha.

  “I should be happy,” Sorcha said. “You’re leaving. Tyler’s single again. Why am I not happy?”

  “Because you know you never had a chance with him, a leanbh.” Liam rubbed another circle on Arden’s back. “And you care about both him and Arden.”

  Sorcha huffed. “Maybe.”

  The door opened and their first customers of the day walked in.

  “Time to get to work.” Sorcha jerked her head. “If this is your last day, make it good.”

  Arden’s heart squeezed. Dammit, she was going to miss Sorcha and Liam as much as anyone.

  Not as much as she was going to miss Tyler.

  Arden leaned back into the lounge chair next to the pool at her parents’ retirement complex. The fronds of a nearby palm tree tossed in the gentle breeze. An elderly couple on the opposite side of the pool were holding hands and kissing and laughing. Gah.

  She tossed down the magazine she’d borrowed from Mom, unable to focus on anything. Closing her eyes, she let the hot sun warm her, trying to let the heat melt away her sadness. And pain. And guilt.

  Her parents had been surprised when she’d shown up there, happily surprised at first, before clueing in that Arden was not okay. She kept telling them she was, but clearly she wasn’t putting on a good enough act.