by Dianne Drake
He laughed. “Giving a child a big Christmas? I think it’s absolutely the best thing we can do for him. Tyler needs something to look forward to in his life. I don’t think he’s ever really had that.”
“You, too,” she added. “You need something to look forward to.”
“And what about you? What do you need, Fallon?”
“Nothing. I never had good Christmases when I was growing up, and I don’t need them now.”
“I’m not talking about Christmas, specifically. What do you need in life, Fallon? There was a time I thought I knew, but maybe I was wrong. I mean, we talked about having a large family. You wanted a big house for all those children we were going to have. You didn’t want to quit work because you were totally devoted to the idea that a woman is capable of doing everything she wants. But now I don’t know if that’s what you need in your life, and I want to know. It bothers me that I don’t. Or that I might have been wrong all along.”
She bristled. “This isn’t about me. I invited you to live here because it was supposed to be about Tyler. Only Tyler. And I don’t want you to make this about something it’s not.”
He held up his hand to stop her. “Whoa, there. You really do have a way about turning a nice, innocent conversation into something adversarial, don’t you?”
“It wasn’t innocent, James. When you made it about me, it was anything but innocent. You know you were trying to manipulate me, trying to take advantage of the moment to pry into something that’s none of your business any more.”
“What if that’s what I was doing? I’m not admitting it, but for the sake of the argument, what if I did try to make it about you? Is that really so bad?”
“It is when I laid down the ground rules about you staying here.”
“Fallon! For God’s sake. We’ve made love. I’ve seen that little heart-shaped birthmark on your back. Doesn’t that give me some rights?”
“No,” she snapped. “That was then. This is…this is another time, another life. And you know my terms, James. If you can’t live with them, I won’t kick you out, but I’ll take a room at the lodge until you and Tyler can make better arrangements.”
“But aren’t you the one who keeps stepping over the line? Be honest with yourself, Fallon. Aren’t you the one who keeps getting involved?”
“With Tyler. I’m getting involved with Tyler.”
“But getting involved with Tyler is getting involved with me.”
That much was true. And she’d have to try harder to stop it. “I think I can separate the two of you.”
“I don’t believe that! Sometimes when I see the way you look at him, there’s such longing. And I remember that look, Fallon. Used to see it when we talked about our future. Talked about the children we wanted to have and the life we wanted to build for them.”
“You’re wrong, but go ahead and believe whatever you want. I really don’t care!”
James ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “OK, that little heart on your back aside, we had something good going on between us. I messed up after your accident, but I thought we could put that behind us and move on from there. Hoped we could, anyway.”
“We can. I’m not angry that you had to choose Tyler over me. That’s what you should have done…what you should always do. But, James, that was so long ago, and I’ve been through so much. I can’t be that Fallon any more. She’s gone. She’s not coming back.”
“She’s not that far away, Fallon,” he said gently. “I see her all the time, when she’s not trying to be so…guarded.”
Unfortunately, that was the problem. She couldn’t hide from James. Couldn’t hide anything. “Not guarded, James. Just not the same. And that’s what you’ve got to understand. So back to your original question… What do I want? I want the best Christmas ever for Tyler. I want him to be with someone who cares enough to help him build some hopes.”
“The way you do?” he asked gently.
“The way you do,” she replied.
“Like a real family,” James said. “A real family for Christmas.”
“For Tyler,” she reminded him “Like a real family for Tyler, for Christmas.” To think of it in any other way hurt too much.
“Then tell me what happens when Tyler starts loving the mother in this little Christmas family, and she eventually walks away from him?”
“Are you talking about you, or Tyler?” she asked, pushing herself off the couch. “Because if we want to help Tyler, we’ve got to get over this. You’ve got to get over it.” She had to get over it.
“As in getting over you? Is that what you mean?”
“Something like that.”
He shook his head. “You know what, Fallon? Your friends have given you a lot of slack because of the accident. They’ve done everything you wanted them to do because they loved you, even if what you wanted essentially pushed them away, maybe even hurt them. I don’t know why you keep pushing people away, and I don’t want to argue about it. But I’m not giving you that same slack. You can’t tell me to get over you and expect that I’ll just do it because you want me to. It doesn’t work that way. Not when I love you. And I do love you. So, no, I’m not getting over you. Like I’ve said, already, and I’ll keep saying, I’ll respect the distance you want…the boundaries you’ve built up around yourself. But you can’t tell me how I have to feel about you. You don’t have that right.” He stood, too. “Look, I’m going for a walk, to clear my head. I’ll be back in half an hour.” Then he threw on his jacket and walked out the front door. More like strode out the front door, with every harsh footstep she heard on the hardwood floor a testament to exactly what he was feeling.
In a small way she was flattered. In an even bigger way she was scared. Not because he’d told her off. But because he’d been right. About everything. Except him being right about everything still didn’t make things right in her life. Because nothing there was right, and she still didn’t believe it could be right ever again. Not without James…and Tyler. Not without James Allen Galbraith, Junior. But that’s the way it was, whether or not James Allen Galbraith, Senior, liked it or not.
Three hours of tossing and turning, and she was barely asleep when the first crash startled her awake. The second one sent her over the edge of the bed and scurrying to pull on her bathrobe. The third crash propelled her out her bedroom door and straight to the top of the stairs, where she looked down and saw James, dressed in boxer shorts and a T-shirt running for the kitchen. He didn’t look like he’d had much sleep either.
Fallon padded down the stairs, wondering if her bare feet would be safe, considering what she expected to find in the wake of Tyler’s tirade, and fell into step behind James who, she had to admit, looked downright sexy first thing in the morning. Sexy and, right this moment, ready to explode.
“Tyler,” he called on his way through the kitchen door. “What are you doing?”
Fallon, who was so close behind him she could practically smell his aftershave, bumped right into the back of him when he stopped dead in his tracks. She braved a peek around James, expecting the worst, only to see Tyler standing there amid a clutter of pots and pans all over the floor, along with spilled silverware and practically every utensil she’d had in the drawer. But on the counter were three bowls, filled to the top with breakfast cereal and overflowing with milk, which was dripping down into the open, and empty, utensil drawer. Along with the cereal were three slices of bread smeared from crust to crust with strawberry jam…jam that was likewise slathered across a good portion of the counter top. And there were three poured glasses of orange juice, with a fair measure of juice trickling down the front of the cabinet.
It was a spectacular mess to behold, and Tyler was standing in the middle of that mess, grinning from ear to ear—his first real grin. He’d fixed them breakfast.
“It looks delicious,” she said quite brightly as she stepped away from James and pulled a kitchen stool over to the breakfast counter. As delicious as any breakfast coul
d look at three in the morning, given the disheveled condition of her kitchen.
James chuckled. “Looks like the best breakfast I’ve ever had at this time of the day.” He followed Fallon’s cue and pulled up a kitchen stool for himself then one for Tyler. And the three of them sat down together and ate breakfast in the middle of a mess that was going to require about an hour’s worth of cleaning and showers for everybody. “So, why’d you do such a nice thing for us?” James asked, choosing careful words as he picked up the piece of bread that nearly collapsed under the weight of the jam on it.
“Wanted to,” Tyler replied.
“And I, for one, am glad to have another cook in the house,” Fallon chimed in. Where she was sitting, a little stream of juice once flowing in one direction had redirected itself and was fast closing in on her. Rather than cleaning it, she scooted over, which brushed her right into James. Either he didn’t notice or he was the best impostor in the world, because he simply plopped his piece of jammed-up bread into his mouth and didn’t so much as flinch over the fact that Fallon was nearly draped over his lap.
“Can we go find a Christmas tree after breakfast?” Tyler asked shyly.
James and Fallon looked at each other then smiled. “Can we take a little nap first?” Fallon asked. “Get rested up so we can have lots of energy to find the biggest one?”
Naturally, Tyler looked disappointed. He’d had a plan, but now it was being put off. In his mind, having it put off was the same as not having it happen at all, and Fallon couldn’t stand that. “As soon as it’s light. There’s a Christmas-tree farm about twenty miles from here, and we can go pick out the perfect one as soon as we can see everything they have. OK, Tyler? They won’t let us pick out a tree if it’s not light out, so it’ll be up to you to come tell us when it’s light. Can you do that?” The child needed to know that what he wanted mattered.
Tyler shrugged. But James didn’t let him get away with being noncommittal.
“It’s up to you, Tyler. OK, or not?”
“OK,” he said tentatively.
“Well then,” Fallon said, standing, ready to go back upstairs and leave the mess to James, who already sensed it would be his job to clean it up, “I’m going to go back to bed, and dream about Christmas trees. And I’m leaving the scrubbing of the kitchen up to you two.” With that, she walked over to Tyler and gave him a kiss on the forehead.
“Him, too,” Tyler said. “He needs a kiss, too.”
“Yes, I do,” James prodded. “I need a kiss, too.”
“Right here,” Tyler said, pointing to the spot on his forehead she’d kissed him.
James mimicked that. “Right here, and remember, it’s about Tyler.”
She sighed heavily, narrowed her eyes in protest as she approached James. Then aimed for his forehead, but got intercepted when he tilted his head back enough that her kiss caught him on the lips. And lingered a while. Long enough that she relaxed into the kiss, and James relaxed into the kiss, and they both totally forgot about Tyler for a moment. Then…
“Can I go move the furniture to make room for the tree?”
Both James and Fallon turned their heads toward the little boy at the same time, and answered in unison, “No!” Ten seconds later, Fallon was on her way back to her bedroom, her face flushed, her breaths short, her pulse racing. She needed a door. A big, heavy door to shut and lock. One for her heart, too. And a good place to throw away the key.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“IT’S a huge decision,” Fallon said, smiling. They’d been looking at trees for almost an hour, after being the first ones lined up to get into the Christmas-tree farm. Now, after searching row after row of greenery that all looked pretty much the same to her, give or take a few scrawny exceptions, Tyler was still in decision mode, taking his job seriously. In fact, he was very methodical in the way he went about scrutinizing the various trees and tying scraps of fabric on the ones he was keeping under consideration. James was busy marking their location on a map provided by the owners of the tree farm.
“And I’m going to be late for work if he doesn’t hurry up,” James said, as he plotted the tenth tree.
“You’ve still got an hour before you have to go, and according to Tyler’s calculation that’s at least a dozen more trees.” She grinned. “But isn’t this fun?” Actually, it was. She’d never seen so many Christmas trees, didn’t know that places like this existed. Her tree was stored in a small box in her attic. Fresh trees, with the luscious pine scent, were practically a novel concept for her, and she was in love with the idea of having a fresh tree in her home.
“And this farm has a good five hundred more acres of trees which, by my calculations, will take us about three more days to look at.” He grinned back. “Think they’ll let us camp here tonight?”
Fallon laughed. “If you think this is taking a long time, wait until we go to the Christmas store in town and he gets to pick out the ornaments. I predict at least two days there, and I’m pretty sure they won’t allow camping.”
James moaned then plotted yet another tree Tyler had tied a piece of white cloth on. “Seriously, we’ve got to bring an end to this if I’m going to have to chop it down then get it tied to the car and hauled back to your house.”
“And remove all the markers on all the trees Tyler tagged.”
James moaned once more. “Why do I have the feeling this is getting out of control?”
“That’s what raising a child is about,” she said. “Everything getting out of control. However, you’re supposed to look like you’re in control even when you’re not, and when you’re not you’re supposed to act like you are so the child won’t find out. Because if he does figure it out, he’ll take control of you and the situation. So it’s all about perceptions. If the child perceives you to be in control, even if you aren’t, you’re fine.”
“And that flawed logic is exactly the reason I wanted to have ten or twelve children with you. You’re such a good advocate.”
Even though he’d meant nothing by those words, they did sting, and reflexively Fallon stepped away from James. She didn’t mean to be so sensitive, didn’t want to spend the rest of her life overreacting to perfectly innocent words, but she couldn’t escape her reaction. It simply happened.
“Damn,” he muttered. “I didn’t mean to say that.”
“It’s fine,” she said, stepping even farther away from him. One slow step at a time, with only her footprints in the snow to remind her how close she and James had been standing to each other. “Look, I have another suggestion. They’ll dig the tree out for us and deliver it. We can put it in the house, keep it alive then plant it somewhere later. A tree Tyler will be able to keep as a reminder of his first Christmas with you.”
“I’m sorry, Fallon. I really didn’t mean to—”
She thrust out her hand to stop him. “I said I’m fine. Let’s just leave it at that. OK?”
“But we’d talked about having children, Fallon. I remember telling you what a great mother you’d make. It was that day—”
“I remember the day,” she snapped. Remembered it vividly. On a hike in the mountains, they’d run into a dozen little boy scouts. Cute, vivacious, having the time of their lives looking for a good campsite to spend the night. She and James had fallen in with the boys, hiked a couple of miles with them and she hadn’t been sure she was going to be able to pull James away when it came time to part, he’d been having so much fun. That’s the first time she’d thought she might wants lots and lots of children with him. They hadn’t been engaged to be married, and most people would have said they were too new in their relationship to be thinking about children. But she was thinking about it anyway. And again, later, when James had mentioned wanting their very own little scout troop. He’d proposed a dozen children, which hadn’t been serious. But she’d watched him in his element, seen his true heart with those children. So they’d talked a little that night. Tossed out funny names like Mortimer, Aloysius and Shadrach. Then settled
on James, Junior.
Perfect thoughts for perfect days. And now those thoughts were all sad. “We talked about a lot of things, but that was a long time ago. And we were different people then.”
“No,” he said gently, “we weren’t different people. You may think we were, or you were, but those same two people are standing right here, being awkward with each other for no reason. And I’d built some hopes and dreams around us. Counted on us being together. The only difference between me then and now is that back then I had something I wanted so badly I ached for it, and I thought I was going to get it. I still ache for it Fallon, but the change in me is that I don’t know if I will get it. You tell me I won’t, but I’m not ready to believe it yet.”
“Believe it, James.” She glanced out at Tyler, who seemed to have settled on the tree. At least, the jumping up and down and excitement he was showing over a particularly bushy one seemed to indicate he had. Long needles, a beautiful bluish-green, and with some artful trimming just about the right size, it seemed to be a perfect tree. “Counting on too much can get you hurt,” she said.
“Or it can lead to everything you’ve ever wanted. I’m not ready to give up.”
“I’m sorry it’s turned out the way it has.” Sorry for James, sorry for herself.
“It hasn’t turned out any way yet, Fallon.”
He stepped up to her, and ran his thumb down her cheek, a gentle stroke she remembered and loved. “Don’t,” she whispered. “We shouldn’t have yesterday, and we can’t…not again.”
“Don’t what?” he asked, tracing his thumb along the contour of her jaw then moving his touch ever so slightly underneath. “Don’t do this?” He tilted her head up and kissed her on the lips. Tiny butterfly kisses that caused her to shiver. “Is that what you don’t want me to do because you always enjoyed that, didn’t you?”
Fallon willed herself to speak, willed herself to break free of his spell, but she couldn’t.
