Can you see me?

by Regina Bartley

  “I’m sorry for crying,” I said, as I wiped my face.

  “It’s okay,” he replied.

  Those deep lines around his eyes grew as he smiled at me.

  “Would you like to walk with me?” I asked him after gaining some sort of composure. I’m sure I looked like a complete train wreck.

  “Sure.”

  He stood up next to me and for the first time, I was seeing just how tall he was, nearly as tall as Jude. I had to look up at him. Of course, I stood barely over five feet.

  He stuck out his arm for me allowing me to loop my arm through his, the same way that Jude always did. It must’ve been some kind of gentlemanly thing they taught southern boys. It was sweet.

  I took his arm and the two of us walked out of the waiting room.

  “Are you still getting married today?” He asked me as we walked slow and steady through the hall.

  I peeked up at him and smiled. “Yes.”

  “Is he a kind boy? Does he treat you good?”

  “He’s the best,” I sniffled. The tears were building back up in my eyes. “Kind of reminds me of you,” I told him.

  “You look like your mother,” he told me, and my throat tightened. He must’ve thought that I was his daughter, but that was okay. I’d only just met him, but I knew the severity of his Alzheimer’s. I would be whoever he needed me to be.

  The most beautiful sound came through the hall. I recognized it immediately. It was Jude.

  We took a few steps forward following the sound and stopped in front of his mother’s room. Jude sat there next to her and continued to sing the most beautiful words I’d ever heard. He sang about an angel as he held his mother’s hand. The sweet melody was filled with anguish and hurt, but it was amazingly beautiful. He had the voice of a thousand angels and he was singing to his momma. Bless his heart.

  “That’s my son and my wife,” his dad said out of the blue.

  The tears rushed down my cheeks. He remembered. “Yes, it is,” I confirmed. “You should be with them.” I walked him into the room and left him standing there next to his son.

  Jude continued to sing as I backed out of the room leaving them there together. His family was falling apart. All I could offer him was my heart. I’d give him half of mine, since his was broken into a billion pieces.

  There wasn’t a dry eye within hearing distance. Every nurse on the floor was crying as Jude’s beautiful voice carried through the halls.

  I walked quickly, shuffling my feet, trying to find the nearest place to escape.

  The bathroom.

  I locked the door, and rested my head against it as I cried.

  Seventeen

  Jude

  Pa sat down in the armed chair next to me, as I finished my song to Momma. It was a sweet lullaby about angels watching over as you slept. It was the one thing I hoped for, that she wasn’t in any pain. I hoped that angels were keeping her at peace.

  I could tell by the grounded look in Pa’s eyes that he was with us. He squinted and deep wrinkles gathered on his forehead as he stared at Momma lying lifeless in the bed. I wished that she were awake too, so that I could have one sturdy moment with both of them. I needed a chance, even if it were only a second, to feel like the child again. To not have to worry about taking care of anyone. I needed to be able to just be their son again.

  Her eyes were closed and I held her tiny hand in mine, willing her with all my might to just open her eyes. I thought that singing her favorite song would spark something inside her and that she’d suddenly wake up. She used to love having me sing to her. On Sunday mornings she’d have me sit out on the front porch and sing to her for hours while she sat on the porch swing drinking her coffee. Sometimes she even asked me to play my guitar and sing for her while she cooked in the kitchen. Those were memories I’d never forget.

  As I sat there looking at her, I prayed so hard that she’d open her eyes one more time. I knew that she wouldn’t be able to see me. Her sight had been gone for years. But I needed a few more moments with her awake and alert, just a few more moments where I could talk to her and know, somewhere inside her, she could hear me.

  She looked so helpless lying there, so weak and frail. She was just a shell, like a breakable little bird egg. The ones you handled with complete care. I could hardly bare to see her like that.

  Her hand was still warm, and the machine that beeped next to us told me that her heart was still beating. The slow and steady repetition was achingly the only sound holding me together. I didn’t know how much longer that machine would continue to beep, but the end was inevitable. So I needed every tiny beep that machine was going to give me, every single one.

  “Is she going to be okay?” Pa’s voice broke my trance. I looked over at him as he sat there without a single bit of understanding. He was confused. He had no idea what was happening. All he could see was his wife unconscious on that hospital bed.

  I shook my head no. What else could I say? How was I supposed to tell him that his wife was about to leave this world? I couldn’t, especially knowing that he’d likely not remember it tomorrow.

  A movement near the door caught my eye, and I glanced up to see Paislee standing there. She looked so small as she stood there unmoving. Her eyes were puffy and red and her arms were closed tightly around her chest. In the moment, I caught the despaired look in her eyes, but she had no idea how much I needed her there. I didn’t want her to think she didn’t belong, because I could barely breathe if she weren’t there with me. Even just as a silhouette standing nearby. She was my rock, the only anchor that was keeping me firmly on the ground.

  I mouthed the words –I love you, to her, and without hesitation she said them back.

  I felt Momma’s hand move in mine, and I jumped up quickly. Was she waking? Her head rolled towards me just slightly, and I could see a slight movement behind her eyelids.

  My heart skipped a beat. She was going to wake up, and I was going to get to tell her I love her one more time. My prayers were being answered.

  Pa stood up and went around to the other side of the hospital bed taking her free hand. I was beyond grateful that in that moment he would get a chance to say goodbye, because even if he didn’t remember it tomorrow, he would get closure today. That had to count for something. Right? Maybe it was false hopes, or me clinging to my desperate need to see her awake. I couldn’t be sure. But in the moment it didn’t matter.

  I saw her eyelids flutter once more before they opened.

  “Momma,” I spoke to her, hoping she’d know that I was standing next to her. “I’m here.” My voice shook with nerves.

  Her eyes connected with mine, and I couldn’t believe it. It was like she could see me.

  Wait…

  Could she see me?

  “Momma,” I said, moving in a little closer to her. “Can you see me?”

  Her eyes filled with tears as she shook her head yes. It was like some kind of miracle. It had been years since she could see anything at all, and the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was me.

  Me.

  My heart skipped a beat in my chest. Talk about sending a grown ass man to his knees. I buried my head in the crook of her arm and cried. I couldn’t hold back anymore.

  I only wanted her to know that I was there. I never expected her to see me. She was blind. How was it even possible?

  I lifted my head up slowly and wiped my face on the sleeve of my fancy shirt. She was looking over at Pa, and Pa was crying too. Both of us were puddles of mush. She was the center of our world, the glue that held this family together. We were going to be lost with out her. God, to even think about it crushed my soul.

  Leaning in close, I kissed her cheek. “I love you.” I said quickly before fate had a chance to swoop in and take it all away. She said it back. She told me she loved me, and in the middle of the heartbreak and chaos, I found a little peace.

  Peeking around the back of my Pa, I motioned for Paislee to come over. I wanted her to meet my Mo
mma before her time on earth was gone.

  She hesitated but I nodded my head letting her know that it was okay.

  “She should be with family,” Paislee whispered to me as she tiptoed over and stood next to me.

  “You are family.” I told her. I wiped a stray tear away from her cheek. It was bold of me to say, seeing as the two of us had barely dated, but I couldn’t help the way I felt about her. Time was a precious thing, and I wouldn’t waste a second of it. Not when it came to her.

  I moved Paislee up closer to the head of the bed, and positioned myself behind her. My hand snaked around her waste and held her tightly. “Momma,” I said getting her attention. When her eyes roamed in our direction I said, “This is Paislee.”

  I’d never forget that moment in my entire lifetime. I’d never forget the way my Momma’s eyes lit up when she seen my girl. She actually saw her. Even as she lay on her deathbed, she was the most loving and caring woman in the world. I think she wanted what every mother wanted, to know that I was happy.

  Wrapping my arm around Paislee’s neck, I moved around so that I could stand next to her. I noticed that her forehead crinkled and the tears fell hard. Momma had stretched her weak arms out. She wanted a hug, and Paislee didn’t hesitate for a second to give her one. Momma whispered something to her as they held on to each other, and I was fighting so hard not to cry again. I couldn’t believe this was happening. She’d never go home again.

  Paislee wrapped her arms around my waist and we stood there watching my momma tell my Pa how much she loved him. They may not have gotten a hundred years together but they had a happy life. I had enough memories of my own that I’d be sure to tell Pa all about her in the moments when he’d forget. I’d see to it that he knew just how much she loved him, even in her last breaths.

  “I’m tired,” she said and my heart somehow knew that if she fell asleep, I’d never see her eyes again. Ironic that the last time she opened her eyes she could see, and soon, she’d never open them again. Maybe it was more cruel than ironic. Either way, I didn’t want her to go to sleep. The selfish part of me wanted to keep her alive as long as I possibly could.

  I kissed her cheek again and told her over and over how much I loved her, and that I was happy. I promised to take care of Pa, and made sure she knew that she didn’t have to fight another moment. Her breathing became more erratic as the minutes passed. She was fighting, and it was killing her. Literally. Rubbing her head gently I told her she could be at peace. She could rest. No matter how bad I wanted her too fight; I could no longer be selfish. Watching her take those pain-stricken breaths was too much.

  “You don’t have to fight anymore Momma. I love you. We’ll be okay.” I whispered. A single tear slid down my cheek and I swallowed back the constricting pains that lingered in my throat.

  She closed her eyes for the last time at around four fifteen a.m.

  She never woke back up again.

  At six o’ six a.m. she took her last breath.

  My Momma was gone.

  Eighteen

  Paislee

  I made the trip back home. Not home-home, but college-home. Jude was reluctant to let me leave. He didn’t say it in so many words, but I think he liked having me near him for his sanity.

  Josh was waiting in my dorm room when I arrived. His outstretched arms pulled me to him and he held me close. We’d been friends for a long time, and in those years I’d never experienced that kind of grief. I knew what heartbreak felt like. This was different. This was agony. It was a suffocating kind of feeling that latched on to your heart, and instead of breaking it, would squeeze so hard that you couldn’t breathe. Love made a heart grow in size, while pain shrunk it down until there was barely a trace of it there.

  “Lee,” Josh said as he rubbed my back gently. “I’m sorry.” His words were sincere. He didn’t have to say anything. Just being there, and fulfilling his best friend duties was enough for me. “I brought you some coffee.”

  Pulling away, I eyed the dresser where the large cup was steaming. “Thanks. Have you told everybody?” I asked, meaning Fox, and Obi, and the rest of his friends.

  “Garrett called everybody around lunch time.”

  “Okay.” I sipped my hot coffee and sat down on my bed stretching my legs out. I’d already texted Letty that morning, and I called my Mom to let her know. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing,” I could feel those dreadful tears building back up. “I feel sort of useless.”

  Josh took a seat at the foot of the bed, resting his hand on my leg. “You’re not useless. Did you ask Jude if he needed you to do anything?”

  “We haven’t said too much since it happened. He arranged for his Mom to be moved here so that he could bury her, but said he didn’t want to have a funeral. I guess he’s planning on a graveside service on Wednesday morning. I’ll no more later,” I explained.

  “Okay. Why don’t you get some rest, maybe take a little nap. I’ll tell Letty to bring you some food from the diner when she get’s off work.” He was so sweet, but I wasn’t the one he needed to worry about.

  “I can’t stay long. I promised Jude that I’d be back at the farm. He didn’t want me to leave, but I convinced him to let me come take a shower and get some clothes. He’s having a hard time.” I admitted. “It hard for me to watch him like that.”

  “I couldn’t imagine.” Josh shook his head.

  “Maybe when it’s all over, you and the guys can take him out for a drink or something. Let him get his mind off things for a minute. I don’t know how he will handle all of this Josh. I’m a little scared that he’ll do something crazy or he’ll do the opposite and keep it all bottled up until he drives himself mad.” It was all new territory for me. I wanted to be there for him, but I also wanted to make sure that he was okay.

  Who am I kidding?

  It could take months or years to heal from something like the death of your mother.

  I needed sleep.

  “I’ll talk to Garrett about it, and we’ll figure something out. Don’t worry okay?” That was easier said than done. “Go get a shower, and I’ll drive you over to Jude’s. At least maybe you can get a little rest on the way.”

  That was Josh. Always looking out for me no matter what.

  I gathered some clean clothes, and padded off towards the bathroom.

  “Hey Josh,” I called out.

  “Yeah.”

  “Did you get your girl?” I asked him. My head propped up against the doorframe. “Gwen?”

  “Not yet,” A smile played on his lips.

  I loved his enthusiastic heart. “You will.”

  “Thanks Lee.”

  Closing the door to the bathroom, I stripped down. A nice hot shower was exactly what I needed after the morning I’d had. After I turned the water to an “almost burn your skin off” temperature, I stepped in. It was stupid of me to think that the hot water would somehow ease the pungent pain that flittered in my chest. I tilted my head back and let the water rain heavily over my head, covering my face. I was tired, both mentally and physically. It felt like my body had been drained, poured out into a puddle and left there for someone to pounce on.

  Poor Jude.

  If I was feeling this way, then how in the heck was he holding it together.

  I had to get back to him.

  Washing quickly, I finished. I dried off and slipped on something comfortable. We probably wouldn’t even leave the loft, so there was no point in worrying about what to wear. I tied my damp hair into a ponytail and grabbed my toothbrush.

  “I’m ready to go.” I said as I rushed out of the bathroom.

  “No need.” Josh replied.

  When I looked up, I saw Jude standing next to my bed. He hadn’t even changed his clothes. His white dress shirt was half unbuttoned and he stood there hunched over. He had a deeply pained looked in his eyes, a look that could only be described as utter heartbreak.

  “Jude.”

  He didn’t say anything back.

/>   “I’m going to get out of here. Call me if you need anything. Either of you,” he patted Jude’s shoulder before leaving the room.

  The room was a bit darker from the cloudiness outside the window. It was casting a gray shadow on Jude’s gloomy face.

  “I thought I was meeting you at your place?” I asked him. “I was just about to head that way.”

  He rubbed the palm of his hand over his scruffy chin. “It was a little too quiet there. You don’t mind that I came here right? We can go back to the barn in a little while.”

  “Of course I don’t mind. You want to take a shower?”

  The poor guy was still in his dress clothes.

  “Yeah. I think I will.” He answered. There was something lost in his eyes, a little something missing. He needed some time alone with his friends to blow off some steam. With just a couple of days until the burial, I was worried about how far he was going to slip away. “I’ll just be a minute.”

  I scooted into his arms for a brief second so that I could steal a kiss. His lips were warm against mine.

  He whispered, “I love you,” while his lips grazed mine.

  “I love you too.”

  After he slipped into the bathroom, I called Bear and asked him to bring over some clothes for Jude. Anything was fine so long as he didn’t have to wear those same clothes another day. He agreed. He also said he’d bring over something to eat and we could hang out. I wasn’t sure how Jude would feel about having company but Bear was family.

  I sat down on the bed to put some lotion on my legs, when the door to the room swung open.

  Letty.

  I dashed off the bed and barreled into her arms at full speed. It was one thing to be hugged by Josh, but Letty was my best girl friend, and I needed her. I hadn’t realized just how much until I saw her face. Her arms locked behind me and she squeezed me back with just as much force.