The Exes' Revenge

by Jo Jakeman

  I stepped out to greet her so she wouldn’t come any closer to the house.

  For so long, she had been the woman who infuriated me more than anyone else, the one who I was compared to, the first love. She had been my Rebecca: the outgoing, vivacious, mystery ex who I could never live up to. The perfect hostess and cook, the generous lover and friend. You could learn a thing or two from her, Imogen. The only difference being this one wasn’t dead. She was a living specter in my life. And now she was stepping on my geraniums.

  The first year after Alistair was born, she had come for Christmas dinner. Phillip didn’t tell me he’d invited her until the morning. Ruby had been generous with gifts for Alistair, and was “only trying to be helpful” by buying me cream for my stretch marks. She was effusive over my burned offerings and my mediocre puddings, like she was praising a difficult child. She was all smiles and overflowing compliments, jam-packed with all the superlatives to describe my awesome, amazing, and—“quite frankly”—astounding parenting skills and my striking, stunning, and stylish house, and, oh, that dress, where did I get it? Yet nothing about it was genuine. The more she praised my attempt at making my own Christmas pudding—“I prefer them on the dry side, as it happens”—the more I wanted to ram it down her throat.

  Ruby’s heavy-lidded bovine eyes were too big for her face and were half closed as if she was just coming out of a particularly pleasant dream, one where she made coats out of puppies no doubt. She had dark eyes and skin and could have had ancestry anywhere from Italy to India.

  Nothing touched Ruby. She was oblivious to the way other people looked at her. No joke could ever be at her expense because she wouldn’t feel the barb. She floated along on a cloud of incense, looking at the joy and beauty of the world. She would stop her car in the middle of the road to look at a particularly beautiful sunset and be entirely unaware of the honking of the car behind her as the traffic built up. She was a vet, a vegetarian, her food was organic, and she gave a third of her income away to charity each month.

  I disliked her intensely.

  Two of her three dogs jumped and wagged at her knees. One was a standard medium-sized, rough-haired mutt with intelligent eyes. The smaller one was a dirty white color and had a back end that was indistinguishable from the front. The larger of the two immediately went to the small circular lawn, crouched, and relieved itself.

  “There’s no one at The Barn,” she said. “Which is strange because Pip knew I was coming and his car is in the drive.”

  “Really?” I said, trying not to give anything away.

  I used to hate her calling him Pip. She only did it to remind me they had pet names for each other.

  “I was starting to need the bathroom and I knew you never went anywhere at the weekend, so here I am and what luck to find Naomi here too!”

  Naomi’s face dropped. “Was that this weekend?”

  “Was what this weekend?” I asked through a tightened smile.

  Ruby’s third dog—an old black-and-white border collie with seen-it-all-before eyes and a wag kept for special occasions—unfolded from the car with some stiffness and walked past me into the house.

  “Don’t mind the dogs,” Ruby said. “Soft as candy floss and twice as sweet, they are.”

  “Naomi? What’s Ruby talking about?” I asked.

  Ruby answered for her.

  “Dinner, darling. Of course, I should have been here last night, but the weather! I tried calling, but there was no answer, which was odd because you were expecting me.” She chided Naomi gently with a wagging finger.

  Ruby batted her hair out of her eyes, put her hands on my shoulder, and looked me up and down. Seemingly satisfied, she folded me into her arms.

  “So good to see you. So good. It has absolutely been too long, darling.” Turning to face Naomi, she said, “Naomi, my sweet. What have you done to your head? Don’t tell me—fallen over when you were drinking again? What did I tell you after last time?”

  She put her open palm on Naomi’s cheek and smiled. “Come here!”

  Naomi was pulled into an embrace that she didn’t return. She extracted herself and we stood side by side, like bouncers at an exclusive nightclub.

  “Did you get storms here too? Bertie’s wipers gave up the ghost long ago, so there was no way I could drive last night. Okay if I use your lav? I’m bursting.”

  I wanted to say no, to send her on her way, but I was struck dumb as she walked past me and into the house, leaving Naomi and me to look on in horror.

  CHAPTER 15

  18 years, 6 months, and 11 days before the funeral

  Ruby kicked off her sandals and hung her scarf over the sofa. The house was in darkness, but she could feel that Pip was home. It was a small cottage. Homey. From the front door you could see straight through the lounge and kitchen and into the downstairs bathroom. The only bathroom. The stairs ran up the space between the table that they never ate at and the corner with the sofa and the television. It was cozy, characterful, and big enough for her, Pip, and the dog. They would need to move to somewhere bigger when they had a family.

  “Pip?” she called.

  Ruby dropped her clutch onto the ottoman and went through to the kitchen. The party had been fun even though she hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol all night. She was on a health kick that no one knew about. When people asked why she wasn’t drinking, she told them that she was the designated driver.

  What they didn’t know was that she had joined the fancy new gym in the converted mills by the park and was on the treadmill by six a.m. four mornings a week. The doctor said it wouldn’t hurt to lose a bit of weight and look after herself a bit better. There was no reason why she couldn’t conceive. These things would take time. All the best things did.

  She opened the fridge to see how solace was dressed tonight. A mantle of cold meats or a robe of rich cheese? But with her resolve stronger than her greed, she closed it again. The remnants of today’s dinner lay in the dish on the stove. She scraped at the edges of the fish pie with a fork. Just cleaning up the ends, not worth counting those calories.

  The night air pushed its way into the kitchen through the open back door and the curtains swayed gracefully. The scent of warmed rosemary bushes and the lingering of a neighborhood barbecue reminded her that this was summer’s last fling. She took a glass of water and flipped the switch for the outdoor light before she stepped outside.

  Pip was on the low wall that separated the patio from the flat piece of ground that could be a lawn if they paid it some attention. He held a tumbler in one hand and a cigar in the other. He blew smoke rings into the air as she neared him, ever the kid playing at being a grown-up, trying to look cool.

  “There you are. Didn’t you hear me calling?”

  Pip didn’t answer. He was giving her the silent treatment, though Ruby didn’t believe she needed treating.

  Pip could be the most charming person you were ever likely to meet. His smile was the dawning of the sun. Ruby felt loved and important when it touched her, but when he turned away, the contrast was so marked she thought she might freeze in his shadow.

  Ruby had given Pip two hours to calm down before she drove home to face him. She had learned that no amount of talking could change Pip’s mood. He dug in his heels if you tried to push, but if you waited long enough, he would come around. It was a good job that Ruby was patient.

  Pip was still wearing his tie, though it was loose now around his unbuttoned collar. His jacket had been discarded somewhere between the party and the yard, but the rings of sweat still darkened his armpits and radiated toward his shirt pocket.

  “Missed you at the party, darling,” Ruby said in her singsong voice. She didn’t want to antagonize him.

  Pip took a swig from the tumbler and bared his teeth as if the liquid had stung his gums. Ruby let her head fall backward and she rotated the tension out of her shoulders.
She sat on the wall a few feet away from her husband. As in the presence of a wild animal, it would be unwise to get too close too soon.

  “I was worried about you. You didn’t say good-bye.”

  He sucked on his cigar. “Huh.”

  “Come on, Pip. I hate it when we fight. Especially when I don’t know what we’re fighting about.” She lowered her head and looked up at him through heavy eyelashes, but he didn’t acknowledge her attempts to win him over.

  “You were having a good enough time without me.”

  “Come on, Pip. That’s just—”

  “What? Stupid? I’m stupid now, am I?”

  “That’s not what I was going to say. You’re one of the cleverest people I know.” She edged closer to him.

  “Not as clever as your vet friends, though.”

  “Pip, they’re lovely people, if you’d take the time to get to know them. And they loved you.”

  He shrugged and emptied his drink.

  “I don’t want you working there anymore. You’re embarrassing yourself. Everyone says it’s not right how you put animals before people.”

  Ruby’s smile faded and her eyes hardened.

  “You don’t mean that,” Ruby said, still trying to keep her voice light. “I’ve worked hard for this. And think about the extra money. We can have nice holidays and—”

  “Now you’re saying that I don’t make enough money, is that it?”

  “No, I—”

  “Are you doing this to humiliate me?”

  Ruby undid the top button on her skirt. It wasn’t made for sitting down in, even if she had lost nine pounds. She pulled her long hair into a knot on the top of her head, held it there for a moment to let the cooler air kiss her neck, and then let it drop again.

  “This isn’t any old job. This is my career, Pip. I’ve wanted to be a vet my whole life, and thanks to you”—she looked at him as she said this so he would acknowledge her gratitude—“it’s thanks to you that it has become a reality. I never thought I could do a degree at my age.”

  “You should have warned me.”

  “About what?”

  “That he was gay.”

  She looked away to hide her annoyance. So that’s why he was in such a foul mood.

  “Do you mean Jason? Until he turned up with his boyfriend, I didn’t know, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have thought to mention it.”

  Pip snorted and upended his glass over his open mouth even though there was nothing left but a drip.

  “Pip, you’re not really this angry about him, are you?”

  “He touched me.”

  “Inappropriately?”

  “He rubbed my arm.”

  “How? In a sexual way?”

  “I don’t know. In a fucking gay way, that’s how.”

  Ruby knotted her fingers together and pursed her lips for a moment before she allowed herself to speak. Pip was important to her, but so was her job, and she wouldn’t let him ruin it for her.

  “Let’s talk about this tomorrow. Now I’m going to bed. Coming?”

  Ruby walked into the kitchen and poured the last of her water into the dog’s bowl.

  “Is Rufus out there?” she shouted into the darkness. “He didn’t come to see me when I came back.”

  “The front door was open.”

  “It was what?” She stepped outside and looked at Pip with her hands clenched in front of her mouth.

  “You forgot to shut the door. He must’ve legged it,” said Pip.

  “No, I didn’t. He wouldn’t.” Ruby’s eyes were wide with fear.

  “You were the last one out of the house.”

  Ruby looked at the floor, trying to remember. Sweet lord, Phillip was right. She had run back into the house to use the loo. But she was certain she’d felt the latch catch behind her as she dashed to the car. Hadn’t she?

  “Pip, help me. Quick!” She ran into the house and looked for her car keys.

  “Where to?” Pip called.

  “I need to drive around, see if I can spot him. He’ll be so scared. Pip, please—help me.”

  Ruby went back into the yard, her eyes beseeching Pip to help her.

  “There’s no need,” he said.

  “Please, Pip. I need another pair of eyes.”

  “I know exactly where he is. I saw him when I was walking back from the party.”

  “Where? Where was he? Why didn’t you get him?”

  “Because,” he said, “my wife, the animal lover, left the door open and let him run straight out into the path of an oncoming car. Well done. You’ve killed your own dog. He’s dead.”

  Ruby felt the blood drain from her face. Her hand was trembling. Pip put his hands in his pockets and she thought she saw him suppress a smile. The night was suddenly colder and the air brittle. Ruby heard a buzzing in her ears and had to swallow hard to clear them.

  “What did you say?” Her voice was barely audible to her own ears, yet Pip heard her.

  “Hit by a car. He’s dead.”

  She shook her head so the words couldn’t take root.

  “I need to get to him!”

  Pip said nothing.

  “Where is he, Pip?”

  “Told you, he’s dead. Your expensive degree can’t help you now, can it?” He stood up and looked her squarely in the eye.

  “It’s about time you realized that your husband is more important than a stupid animal.”

  “Please, you know what he means to me. I have to see him.”

  Pip walked past her on his way into the house. She grabbed his arm. He looked at her hand with narrow eyes and a twitching jaw. She let go and asked softly, “Will you show me where he is, Pip, please?”

  “I’m going to bed. Why don’t you get Jason to help?”

  Ruby ran from the house. The pain was physical and she kept stopping to double up with gripes in her stomach and her heart. She lurched from streetlight to streetlight, pausing to steady herself on walls and hedges. Late-night revelers slipped off curbsides and laughed into the night as she rushed by.

  “Have you seen a dog? A dog? Have you seen him? He’s a red setter. About this big. His name’s Rufus.”

  There was still the smallest germ of hope in her heart. Another dog, perhaps? One that looked like Rufus? Pip might have been wrong. Might have been lying. Yes, that was it. Lying to hurt her. She retraced the route that Pip would have taken from the party, but she couldn’t see a body. Her hopes lifted. Perhaps he had got up, walked away. He could be looking for her somewhere.

  “Rufus!” she called. “Rufus, where are you?”

  There were tears on her face. She spun about, looking everywhere.

  An accident? Or a punishment for refusing to put Pip first?

  Ruby wiped her face. Whatever the truth was, Pip was on his last warning. He wasn’t the only one who knew how to hurt people.

  CHAPTER 16

  10 days before the funeral

  Naomi, Ruby, and I sat in the living room facing each other. Ruby looked from Naomi to me and back to Naomi, and then smiled. We were waiting for someone to say something of significance, but all I could do was smile and scratch a pretend itch on my shoulder. My smile was to hide my nerves, awkwardness, and the truth. Ruby’s might have been genuine. Or medicated.

  “How long did the journey take you?” I asked out of politeness.

  “Wouldn’t have a clue, darling. I don’t believe in clocks,” she said. “The one in Bertie broke years ago. It’s better for your mind to be free of the constraints of hours and minutes, don’t you find? In the morning, we set the alarm because of all the things we have to do instead of waking when our body tells us to. We’d be so much more productive on a full night’s sleep. All this watching the clock and ‘I’m going to be late’ or ‘too early’ . . . Imagine how much ca
lmer we’d be if we all left the house when we were ready.”

  “Imagine,” I said, though I couldn’t think of anything worse.

  I picked up my mobile phone from the arm of the chair and waved it in Ruby’s direction.

  “It’s a shame you didn’t phone. Could have saved yourself a journey.”

  “I don’t have a phone—not a mobile one anyway. I had to get a landline when they turned our phone box into a defibrillator, but I don’t see the need to be contactable at all hours of the day.”

  She smiled, but it still felt like an insult, and I placed my mobile back on the chair arm. The image of Alistair on a swing flashed across the screen and I turned it facedown.

  “A pity Naomi didn’t remember you were due for dinner,” I said with a pointed look at Naomi. “She could have met you at The Barn.”

  I kept rubbing at the back of my neck as if I could feel someone’s eyes on me. I didn’t know how to ask Ruby to leave without arousing suspicion, but couldn’t tell her the truth without sounding crazy.

  “Where is Pip anyway?” she asked.

  Naomi and I shared a look. Passed it between us like a silent game of pass-the-parcel waiting for the music to stop.

  “I’m not sure,” I said. “Work, I suppose. Naomi? Phillip’s at work, isn’t he?”

  “What?” she said. “Phil? Sure, if that’s what we’re going with.”

  I pretended to find it funny. Funny Naomi, making it sound like we were hiding something!

  “Naomi loses track of Phillip’s shifts, don’t you, Naomi? But I’m pretty sure that he’s on days this weekend. Why don’t we get him to call you when he’s free? Perhaps you should drive home while there’s a break in the weather. I’d hate for you to be stranded.”

  “Has something happened?” Ruby asked. She was alert. Gone was her hazy look.