SAHM I Am
Page 18
4) Religion: I’m an upstanding Christian! Though I am thinking about joining a rural commune led by this great guy who says God told him to stock up on kids’ fruit punch and arsenic because of the coming global nuclear war…
5) Career Aspirations: I don’t plan to ever perform on stage. My skills are more in management. I plan to open up Branson-style theaters all across the Middle East. Don’t the possibilities just take your breath away?
Well, I hope that helps you feel a bit more comfortable about me marrying your mother. Don’t worry, girls. I’m planning to take good care of Jeanine.
Your loving father-to-be,
Morris Hash
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
Jordan and Becky
Subject:
Re: Your list of questions
* * *
Dear Becky,
You know, I’ve never really liked sarcasm. Such a nasty form of humor, don’t you think? And to think, we’re going to have to put up with him for a long time. Sarcastic people never seem to die young.
Dulcie
* * *
From:
J. Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
The Wedding
* * *
Darling,
I know you’re still a little apprehensive about Morris, but I really can’t wait around for you to warm to him. There’s so much to do, and we only have until May. So, be a sweetheart, and at least pretend like you’re supportive, okay?
By the way, I was wondering if you would let McKenzie be our flower girl. I know she’ll only just have turned four, but she’s SO mature for her age. And I found the sweetest, ruffliest dress for her to wear. I’m thinking rosebuds in her hair, little elbow-length gloves, sparkly pink shoes. We’ll make her look like a princess! Would that be okay? Just let me know…
Love,
Jeanine
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:
FLOWER GIRL!!!!
* * *
Hey, everybody! My mother-in-law is getting remarried and she just asked if McKenzie could be the FLOWER GIRL!! How cool is that? I always wanted to be a flower girl. And Mom says she’ll dress McKenzie up as beautiful as a fairy princess. My little girl—in a wedding! Oh, I’m so excited! We’re going to have to take lots of pictures and get the video. I wonder if I can talk Tom into agreeing to get her ears pierced. Wouldn’t little, itty-bitty rhinestone earrings just be TOO SWEET? I can’t wait!
The MOTHER of the Flower Girl,
Dulcie
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
J. Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: The Wedding
* * *
Dear Mom,
Of course McKenzie can be your flower girl. You’re right—she is SO mature for her age. Oh, she’ll be thrilled! Thank you for asking her.
And, you know what, after thinking about it, I really think this whole wedding thing is a great idea. You’ve been lonely all these years, and Morris did seem very nice when we met him over Thanksgiving. I’m sure you’ll both be very happy.
Congratulations,
Dulcie
* * *
From:
J. Huckleberry
To:
Morris Hash
Subject:
FWD: RE: The Wedding
* * *
See, my darling, didn’t I tell you that would do the trick? Now all we have to do is wait for Becky’s response about being my matron of honor. Mothers just know how these things work.
All my love,
Jeanine
* * *
From:
VIM
To:
Rosalyn Ebberly
Subject:
Re: Cosmetic enhancements
* * *
Rosalyn Ebberly wrote:
Sugar sister-mine,
I just got a few minutes before I leave for work, but I wanted to send you a quick reply. You sure you’re content with your appearance? At Christmas, I noticed you looked all wore out, like you’d been rode hard and put up wet. There were big circles under your eyes, and you were snapping like a mud turtle at the kids. Looks like you’ve gained some weight, too—unless there is some news you haven’t told us yet…. But even Mama and Daddy noticed. “Ronnie,” Daddy said to me, “is it just me, or does Rosalyn look like death warmed over?”
I know you’re at home all day, so there’s no one to look pretty for, but you really shouldn’t let yourself go like that. Else before you know it, you’ll be as fat as a tick. You might feel like a sadsack, but, goodness sake, have some self-respect—you’re worth it! I was thinking the other day about how nice it would be to stay home with my children—now that I have three of them. But I sure would hate to look like a housewife, bless your heart, even if I was one.
Treat yourself kindly. After all, you’re the only sister I have. And there ya go.
Love,
Ronnie
* * *
From:
Rosalyn Ebberly
To:
SAHM I Am
Subject:
[SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God
* * *
Sanctified Sisters,
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 instructs us, “Or do you not know that your body is as temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.”
Our topic this week is Fitness. Why this is such a struggle for all of you, I’ll never understand. I never have any trouble at all getting up in the morning to run a few miles and then lift weights. I even made my own weights out of PVC pipe, pantyhose and shotgun pellets. The instructions are attached. I actually bench-press two hundred pounds—which is more than Chad can. And as a result, my figure is lithe and toned and I never need to be ashamed of my appearance.
Most of you resist exercise as if it were some form of torture. But, my friends, this is not true! Exercise is a gift from God, for our enjoyment! I want you all to print out the following statement and post it somewhere in your house where you will see it:
THE BURN IS A BLESSING!
So let’s talk about exercise! What are you doing? What should you be doing? What will you commit to over the next year? Or do you really want to be stuck wearing those jogging pants simply because they’re the only things you own that actually fit?
Come on, girls! Let’s sweat!
Fitly yours,
Rosalyn Ebberly
SAHM I Am Loop Moderator
“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27 (NASB)
* * *
From:
The Millards
To:
SAHM I Am
Subject:
Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God
* * *
I bench-press laundry—several loads a day, up and down stairs, too! Doesn’t that count?
Jocelyn
* * *
From:
P. Lorimer
To:
SAHM I Am
Subject:
Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God
* * *
Here’s something I’ve never understood about fitness. Why are we women supposed to keep ourselves in perfect shape, but no one cares if our husbands have an office belly and eat fast food for lunch every day? Need we be reminded who has to go through pregnancy? Which gender naturally carries extra fat on their hips? Or who has certain baby-feeding apparati that weigh a half a pound each? But we females are expected to somehow overcome all those strikes against us to produce the ideal of feminine perfection. Does anyone else find this double standard troublesome?
Miffed,
Phyllis
* * *
From:
Rosalyn Ebberly
To:
SAHM I Am
Subject:
Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 17: Our Bodies – The Temple of God
* * *
Oh, my dear, dear Phyllis! I am not suggesting we discuss how to make ourselves over into some idealized feminine fantasy! No, no, NO! You have no idea how greatly it dismays me to think that’s what you thought I meant. Reread my message—you obviously didn’t read it carefully enough the first time. I was quite clear on my intent.
However, I know that the subject of fitness often brings up women’s deepest fears and insecurities about themselves. This must be what is happening to you. I wish I had something to encourage you with, but I’ve never struggled with my own self-image—having been blessed with so many positive physical attributes. I can honestly say I would never want to change a single thing about myself. I LOVE ME! :)
God calls us to be content with who we are. We are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” I’m sure you are at least a passably attractive woman. Praise God for that! Others aren’t so blessed! As long as you strive to improve wherever you can, you never need to be ashamed of your imperfections.
TTFN,
Rosalyn
“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27 (NASB)
* * *
From:
P. Lorimer
To:
“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:
Rosalyn
* * *
I’m going to send her a mirror for her birthday. Eventually, it may become the only friend she has.
Phyllis
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
Thomas Huckleberry
Subject:
Help me!
* * *
Tom,
Your mom just called. You know how she said Morris asked his younger brother, Leonard, to be best man for the wedding, and that Becky is going to be matron of honor? Well, then Morris felt bad for leaving you out, so he wants you to be a groomsman. (He’s going to call you at the hotel tonight, so act surprised.) So then your mom needed another bridesmaid for you, and she asked me! I said yes, of course. But then she e-mailed me a picture of the dress. Honey, I CAN’T WEAR THAT DRESS! I’ve attached the picture. Can you see me in that thing? It’s so tight, every little bulge is going to show, and those sequins down the front are going to make me look like some beached fuchsia porpoise. Yikes! What am I going to do? They’re going to take pictures of us together. Pictures that will hang on their wall for all their friends and relatives to see. I’m going to be preserved like that for the rest of time! Please talk to her. Tell her you don’t like the dress. Tell her anything! I can’t do it because it would seem selfish for me to complain about my outfit when it’s her wedding. And I’m embarrassed to say anything to Becky because she’s so gorgeously skinny.
If you love me, save me from that bridesmaid’s nightmare!
Dulcie
* * *
From:
Thomas Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
The dress
* * *
Honey,
The dress doesn’t look so bad to me. I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself. I think you’re perfect, just the way you are. And that hot pink will look better on you than on my sister, with her red hair and all. I don’t know what Mom was thinking. Even I know you don’t put pink on a redhead, and I’m just “a guy.” Just a warning, though—if Mom follows her usual pattern, things could get a lot crazier before she and Morris finally tie the knot. I know she loves Morris to death, but the idea of getting married again has got to be giving her the willies. Remember how over-the-top she got before our wedding, and the Camelot-themed engagement party she threw for Becky and Jordan? So be surprised at nothing. However, I bet she’ll be just fine by the reception. All she has to do is get through those vows.
But as far as you go—I wish sometimes I could stand you in front of the mirror and give you my eyes so you could see yourself the way I see you. It’s so frustrating to watch you beat up on yourself all the time. What do I need to do to convince you that you have a great body?
Love,
Tom
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
Thomas Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: The dress
* * *
Get me the one wearing that dress and put my head on it.
Dulcie
P.S. But thank you for the sweet e-mail, anyway. And for the heads-up on your mom—you’re right, we all better run for cover.
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:
Dress emergency!
* * *
Ladies,
My husband thinks I look great—which is a good thing. Especially for him, because he’d be in big trouble if he didn’t. But here’s the deal: the end of May, yours truly is going to have to pour her plush little body into a dress shaped like a drinking straw and hobble down the aisle at her mother-in-law’s wedding. I have approximately FOUR months to transform myself into said drinking-straw shape. Any good ideas? I was thinking of simply giving up food entirely, but my husband is very much not in favor of me starving myself, for some reason.
Dulcie
* * *
From:
Brenna L.
To:
“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:
Re: Dress emergency!
* * *
I’ve actually never been a bridesmaid before, but one of my friends who was in my wedding had the same problem. It took her forever to fess up that she hated the dresses I’d picked, and by that time it was too late to change them. But if she’d told me earlier, I probably would have. You should just tell your mother-in-law you don’t like the dress.
Brenna
* * *
From:
P. Lorimer
To:
“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:
Re: Dress emergency!
* * *
Dulcie dear,
Brenna’s right. You shouldn’t do anything drastic to your body just because of a bridesmaid dress. Tell your MIL you don’t like it, or have it altered to look nicer on you. Those sort of dresses only look good on a clothes-hanger anyway, and how many of us look like that?